I see it in your eyes now you’re givin up the gun”
Today was one of those days where I just needed to cry my ass off. I accomplished just that but I don’t feel very liberated. I feel like I am moving in slow motion and everyone is surpassing me.
I am so impatient and I am very good at screwing myself to oblivian. I wish I could hack off the bits I hate on myself. My belly, my extra chin, my flubber arms, and my inner thighs. I’d like to keep my boobs, I had one of those REALLY shitty weigh ins when it was all my fault. I wish self control was my middle name because Marie ain’t doing me shit.thanks. I don’t want to give up the gun. I want to keep shooting. Not blanks either. I need to get myself back to steadily losing an keep going. I don’t want to die a footless because I developed diabetes and couldn’t control my blood sugar and my circulation failed me. I am talking about myself here not any one else overweight. I must reiterate that fact as to make sure I am only offending myself not anyone else.
I am hard on myself because of what I have become. i look at pictures of myself in high school and I wish there was a time machine to shake me to realize I wasn’t fat that. I just have super skinny ass friends.
case in point:
I love Katie to bits but our bodies don’t compare. But that was me at 17 or 18 and I was about 250? I am 5’8 so I am tall too. It’s like why did I kick myself so hard to lust for food since I wasn’t getting any action when I was younger? Why couldn’t I just hang on until I was older. Keep that weight and lose it when I was ready instead of saying fuck it and eat everyone and their mommas too. Now… I have a hell of a road in front of me and I feel like maybe the surgery is what I WANT but do I want all that extra skin? It’s a serious decision. I am going to have skin but not that bad if I do it slow. I have to stop living in the past. I have to focus on my goals and just realize that this is my reality. Make do and change it. I just don’t think people realize I have a looong road to travel on. I wish I wasn’t me on days like this but I really do love my self just enough to want to fix myself. My friend Rachel is helping me. She wants it as bad as I do. I want a lot of things at the same time and I need to focus on one thing at a time. I can’t be jealous of everyone and their lovers because I am butt ass alone. I am alone because I am not okay with me and if I dated someone who liked me as I am right now I will always be second guessing his love for me. Why would I want that? I want love bad and I can’t wait. I hate the fact that inpatience is a huge thing I need to work on. I am a girl who has had crushes since I WAS 2 and writing love poems since I was 12. I sang in front of my entire 8th grade class for boy. But that’s my thing. I don’t do shit for myself. But really… I think I could give a lot in a relationship. I am an untapped love machine. LMAO!!!! Wow wayyy too literal. I so apologize. You’re laughing though, yes? Ah, once again I am all over the place making no sense. So let me go find the gun and get my wrists of steel. Golly, I love Vampire Weekend.
There are many different shades to any Certified Fat Chick. There is the one in the crowd that says yes I am a big bitch. Take my fat ass and kiss it and screw any skinny bitch who gets in my way. Usually, at the bar, this will be my soul sister and we’d drunkenly sing Bad Romance with a cup in our hand. There’s the CFC that works the defensive line like its her bitch. The one who looks at any other CFC and be like WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LOOKING AT? I have encountered such defensive behavior at the mall once. The girl was with her man and clung to him for fear a man would leave her for any other girl. This girl may also say such things in ear shot of other CFCs like, “I’m bigger than her right?” I am serious as a heart attack about that. True story happened at the mall. There’s a reason behind her defensive behavior. While being such a tragic bitch she is putting up her armor and clinging to her man just because she’s so happy she has one. The Fear has her captured so that’s why I didn’t chuck a flat iron at her. I know about the Fear. It’s a reason why if I do get a wee bit close to any guy… I find something so wrong with him. I tend to turn him into a wanna be serial killer and I write him off. I write him off HARD. I will never be the defensive CFC like that though because I have made the determination to never date a guy until I am a healthier weight. I hate the way I look so much I was looking at the pictures from last nights fiesta and I threw up in my mouth a little. I looked like a full back ready to spring.
I cut out the others not because I don’t adore them it’s just I didn’t ask permission to post their faces on my blog so it’s just me. Looking like a full back. Urgh. Gross. So I don’t think I’ll be able to full accept my biggness and love my big ass budha belly in any way shape of form and date a dude. I mean seriously I can’t get as close as I want to a dude with that thing in the way. Sorry about that diatribe I was on a roll with my listing of CFCs. There’s the one who makes light of their weight in social settings when in all actuality bringing it to light is why the CFC is hurting and being a comedienne. I know that I fall into this girl quite often. I say things like “Now you know my big ass can’t fit in that car” or “DUDE, you can’t handle all of this.” Then we laugh or someone shakes their head and its done. It’s a defense mechanism in its own way. I think I, and other girls like me, say this things because we don’t want people to think that we don’t realize we’re huge. Like the ones we believe are talking shit on us in person or in our minds to think they have one over on us- we’re aware of our large situation. It can be humorous or just sad. You may be thinking that my whole blog is falling into this category but in truth this is more of my domain. I am what I am and I have fessed up to it to a point so you can understand what I deal with on a day to day basis and to understand my demons. I have a lot of funny and mean demons. Sometimes I can be the awesome CFC. The one with such joie de vivre that I can just be. It’s hard to get there. Sometimes it involves alcohol or sometimes it’s just when I am at a show rocking out or with my favorite people. Now, don’t get on some kick that I am some crazed alchy that has to drink to have fun. This is NOT the case. I like to drink but I am not some crazed party broad. I like being drunk sometimes but I don’t NEED it all the time to feel normal. It helps in some cases and others it back fires and I can be the CFC who is a poor as me broad. They’re the WORST kind of CFCs. This Certified Fat Chick becomes the “no one wants me” CFC. Shit gets annoying and pathetic fast. It’s never attractive and it can lead to lost friendships and broken relationships. Each CFC has this girl inside her. Hell, even normal and skinny girls have this person inside them. It’s an ugly that we all want to avoid. I am trying to do better at seeing this girl way less. There are times where I can be sooo overtly honest about my weight. I can be all like “legit. I won’t find a guy thats normal that wants me this way. He’ll be flawed in some way that’s dangerous. He’ll cheat on me.” But is this a fact or is this my own insecurity eating at me? Well, I believe its the latter because I do know some BBW or ex BBWs who have a man and he loves them or loved them when they were big. So, I can’t spit on the faces of those beautiful exceptions. See how I am so programmed to believe they are exceptions? That I’ll die alone being my weight or with some second rate man who’ll leave me so quick or be a creepy sword collector or want me to sit on him. I have encountered the creepy skinny guys who like the feeling of being crushed and thats why they want a bigger girl. Gross, right?
What’s awesome right now is I have health insurance. I am going to get that lap band. I am going to start getting some weight off again on my own first with weight watchers… yet again so I can get a lower BMI so I won’t have to get the gastric. I really, really, really, don’t want the gastric. I don’t want that much of a major surgery. I am not knocking those who have at all. It’s just not what I want. I have done so much research and asked EVERYone who’s had either of those surgeries a lot of questions and I feel like this life changing procedure can save me from killing myself one pound at a time. I’ll have to give up some serious bar time- or actually save a lot of money by just having one drink and being buzzed- but it’s all good. My weight is more important. The w.w. thing? I actually have a partner to go with that’s just as big as I am. Some one who has to lose a substantial amount of weight so I think having a partner like that will help. Until next time ya’ll…
SO I made it through another week despite my sabotaging chef boyardee and TWO fat slices of pizza when I should have had just one. I am pretty damn happy I am close to my big 25 pound mark. Which is one of my major markers of course! Not a big update today. I have done some scouring for jobs to no avail but it has only been a day since my last post so I can’t except a miracle to occur overnight right? I am noticing my weight loss in my face and boobs area primarily which sucks. I want to keep the boobs themselves but the back fat and what not I can live without. I will keep on keeping on! Short post because I am just updating. Until Later!
thought this was boss even though I do both:
I made it to another five pound milestone in five days. I lost 2.2 pounds. Pretty epic especially with all that was going on with myself and family which I can’t really discuss here because this is far to public for me to display about people other than myself. If it directly involved me I would just say it but it doesn’t so I’ll just say everything is getting better and I will leave it at that.
Any who I tried doing cardioake today which is this fabulous work out I would describe it but I really can’t except just say it’s cardio and karaoke mixed and here it is:
how awesome is that? I couldn’t necessarily keep up but I did my damned best. Not only have I done that this week but Sunday I went to the gym for an hour and did major cardio of a whole hour and burned approximately 630 calories and yesterday I went jogging with my friend melissa. I could only really jog the first and last half of the mile but I did my best. I truly did. The hard part for me is controlling my breathing. Being so big it makes it difficult to be good at such things as breathing. It sounds flicktarded but it’s the damned truth. There’s not much else I can say really except my gripes about being poor and blah blah blah but I have applied for jobs all day so please cross your fingers I really DESPERATELY need some money if I am going to actually buy some groceries this week lol
eh it was a bad angle… the vid was on the window ledge i swear i dont have a double chin as pronounced as it is on that video lol.
so. YEAHHHHH! I am at a loss. I effed up pretty badly. While I was in Florida I consumed all of the delecacies checkers, bojangles, Krystal (because HELLLOOO IT HAS MY NAME!)and I had a sandwich at panera. The other places we don’t have in Delaware so I had to go all out. Well, I didn’t have to but I wanted to and I did it. I guess the walking I did really helped a lot. Plus, I had regular servings of rice and beans which is fiber goodness. I loved being down there with my family. My cousins are amazing. I love them so much. My aunts and uncles rock. I now have red hair and its smexi! I am feeling really good despite the amount of debt I am in, the job I am losing, and being back in Delaware. I am applying in Florida forreally reals. I am determined to get out! I just have to figure out a way to save some dinero and get a car . I need that and I am not making any money. Gah it sucks but it’s all gravy baby. Something will come along. I wrote a hatefulISH message on the facebook of my ex school :
I am starting to feel more than EVER that going to this school was a big waste of time, money, and energy. I have been out of school since November and I am in desperate need of a new job. I have applied everywhere from Florida to the Delaware Valley and I am at a loss at how many rejection letters I have received. I have no criminal background so it’s not like that is holding me back. The job placement assistance just gives you whats on the website, suggests career builder and other websites, and a looky loo at your resume. I am sad. I am disappointed.
BECAUSE I AM SPITTING MAD ABOUT THIS SHIT. 11,000 DOLLARS AND I HAVE NOT FOUND A JOB?!?!?! THE ASSISTANCE IS MEDIOCRE. JOB PLACEMENT MY ASS! .
My mad shit of the day. The guy wants to talk to me tomorrow but I am sorry I have to work. I have to make money where I can for now! I don’t have time to deal with false promises. What are they going to say thats any different from when I spoke to them before? Sigh. I am outski. I had a vlog all set on my cellular device but I can’t find the usb cord sadly. Alright boogerfaces love ya.
Enjoy your st patty’s day and be safe. I decided to be festive by having a flogging molly quote as my subject. In case ya’ll didn’t know I always put who the quote is by on the tags.
So, after my last blog, I became REALLY sick. This insane sinus infection full of coughs, fevers, and sniffles. It sucked BALLS. I am still congested and not feeling one hundred percent but let me tell you it was an intense week. During this same week Aunt Flow came to visit as well. Can you say FFFUUUCCCKKK? I sho can. FUCK. lol. It was awful. Mixed this illness and working overnight I didn’t get much done. At all. No gym. No writing down what I ate. NOTHING. I didn’t get weighed either I slept right through it. So somethings gotta give. I HAVE to find another job. I am searching in fervor. What I NEED to do is print out a bunch of resumes and go to doctors offices and just hand out my resume. This internet ish maybe what we do in this day and age but I am tired of rejection emails. I need to do what I studied for! I wanna go back to school and become an RN and take writing classes on the side but how am I going to pay for classes when I don’t make enough right now? I already got a loan last year for 11,000 through my mom and that is being deferred because of her disability but I can’t get lucky enough to do that for Del Tech( a technical college). I digress. I am trying to be less complainy and less whinny but I had to get that out quickly. I want to enjoy my life and surround myself with positivity.
I had last night and today. I went to my bff’s apartment and stayed over. We attempted to put a puzzle together, watched How I met your Mother and 30 Rock, and just plain enjoyed each others company.
I had missed her soo much. She even bought me an awesome fleece blanket with this image:
I know Johnny Depp looks like a furreak but that’s his charm. Plus he’s my el numero celeb crush. I also love Alice in Wonderland so it’s a win win. But like I said about positivity. I am not going to run away from problems or cut out my friends if they’re having a rough day but I am going to clip the people or things that bring me down.. WAY down. Not specifics or anything I am just going to become more aware of what’s going down and do what I have to do to center myself. I want to mature and do it right. I NEED to grow up and enjoy life because who knows when its our last day on this earth? I just hope that I find love before it happens. I am not searching for anyone, hoping he’ll find me, but I am open to love. WIDE open, ha ha. I know I mention my singleness a lot but it’s one of those SOMETHING missings in my life. I hang out with Amber, my bff, at her place and she lives with her boyfriend. So I am always the third wheel. I would love to have a partner in this to bring over so it’d be like a couples date thing as well as chilling with my bff. I want a male counterpart to escape all this femminine shit. Do you know what I mean? Like even a male friend to just shoot the shit with I wouldn’t mind. Well, we all know what would happen there; we’d be friends, I’d start to like him, and he wouldn’t like me in that way which would end our friendship due to uber weirdness. Yeah, I have had it happen a few times during my younger years. I feel as though I am WAY more mature in that aspect. I think I can handle a guy just being my friend and not being any of my friend’s boyfriends. A dude who is just a pal. Maybe a drinking buddy lol. Who knows?
Let’s get off that subject though.
Next time I blog I should have a weight update. It may be another pound or two gain because of this week but I promise not to freak out. I have to not quit either. Missing weeks at weight watchers is extremely detrimental to this. I need to go every week. I also need to stop working overnight because my sleep schedule is all jacked up and I am eating at odd times and not getting excercise in. Until later ❤