Cheer up it may never happen oh it may never happen we’ll see

My desk is a mess at work. A legit mess. I am staring at it right now
wanting to scream. it’s not that i’m this neat freak at all but my work
desk I try to have some pride in. It’s just I have so many papers for
all these different plants I work on and they’re all over the place
because I’M all over the place going to different plans for assistance.
I have cheat sheets every where for different plans so I know all the
scoop.
So I’m having down time i’m on my lunch decided to do a little post.
I was thinking about doing a all liquid diet soon. Protein diets and
things like that. I still haven’t purchased a scale but while i’m not
able to be as active as I like with this knee I wanted to keep my weight
loss progressing. Today i’m doing well food wise. I made two eggs with a
slice of turkey and a slice of low fat cheese. I have only eaten one egg
since 8:30 am and for lunch I have a 2 oz piece of salmon. I friggin’
love salmon. I buy it frozen from Wal-Mart for 3.97. They’re
individually packaged portions and it brings four of them and they’re
weild caught. I season them with a little bit of apple vinegar, red
pepper flakes, and honey. I sometimes also mix this McCormick fiery
pepper its pretty sweet INSTEAD spicy which is how I like it. I really
dig sweet and salty combinations. I bake it in the oven for 8-10 minutes
at 375 and its always juicy delicious. If there are any other good
salmon recipes please let me know. I love salmon because of the omega
three. I am still annoyed major with my knee(think Zenon from the Disney
channel when reading that.) I am going to call my pcp to make an
appointment. I need my yearly anyway and I’m excited to be nearly 60
pounds down from when she last saw me. She was one of my biggest
supporters so I am very excited to tell her how I’m doing. Tonight is
the goo goo dolls concert. Yay! I can’t wait to jam to slide and black
balloon. Let’s hope my mom has a good time too. She knows who they are
but this is her first “rockish” concert so she has no idea what to
expect. They’re a far cry from any type of rock that includes moshing
but she’s just unsure. I think it’ll be similar to the third eye blind
concert I went to a few years ago.
I was laughing so ahrd at myself earlier because I was talking to a
friend about how expensive Adle tickets were when she was touring and I
said; “I wish we could go back to before she was super famous and the
tickets would be a quarter of that.” I was like, in my head, HIPSTER
PROBLEMS. I cracked up all by myself and people were like what? What’s
funny about me is when I start laughing abotu something stupid I
instantly think its extra hilarious and start laughing even harder. I
realized what was missing with my blog as well; links! I don’t have
anyones links anymore. I need to definitely do that. Wanna be linked?
Comment I’ll link you I have no problem with that. I’l get on that as
soon as I can. I really want to become a more organized blogger. But
it’s me there is hardly anthing organized about me ; )

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if you could only see the beast you made of me

These past three weeks have been sicktastic. Really shiteous. I am tired of being sick and not being able to hear. I went to the doctors so I could get something done. It was my second PCP visit in the past three weeks. She looked in my ears and said “wow! they’re blood red.” I was like; “Is that good?” I figured my insides are blood red, ya know? She said “NO! That’s really bad. No wonder you can’t hear.” Ah, sweet validation. I have been “huhing?” and “I’m sorry, what did you say?” for the past 15 days and it has been so annoying. My job is working customer service through the phones. You can imagine how that’s been.
Work was pretty understanding about my illness and how I needed to go to the doctors. It really couldn’t wait. I have been calling the medical assistant at my doctor’s office trying to see if there is anything they could do. The zithromax didn’t do anything, the upper respiratory syrup did nothing, and the prednisone provided no relief. So they said you gotta come in for the doctor to see you. I left work at 12:45 for my 1:30 appointment. My doctor’s office is in Hockession so it’s a little bit out of the way for me but my doctor is pretty awesome. The shitty thing about being sick was the work I had missed. I missed two whole days in May and then a half day today. This time plus the time i’m missing for my tests and things to get cleared for surgery has been such a pain to make up. I am worried my job’s going to get mad at me. Legally, they can’t do anything since the time I am missing for my surgery stuff was preapproved with the supervisor but I hate missing time. I hate for them to think less of me. I am trying to do everything quickly because I want the surgery before my birthday in October. I want to be able to have “eating” down by then and I want this summer to be my last morbidly obese summer. I want to be way healthier next year. I have vacations and weekend getaways in mind. I want to be a better me by being happier with how I feel physically.
On another note I have been really working on my novel. I have been trying to write a little each day. I’m at the part where its hard for me to continue because I am, essentially, Delia so I am trying to think as me in the situations I am putting Delia in and it’s just not clicking together. I want to finish it though. I actually already have 10 pages of the second book the series started it’s just ending this one I am having trouble with. I want to be the next Jennifer Weiner or Sophie Kinsella with chick lit series.I really think it’s possible. The first book will be called What’s the Deal and the second Deal with it. Get it? I want to see my name on the cover of a book on a self at Border’s soooooo bad.

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness…

So it is so true.. I have a serious confidence problem. It’s not a secret and it sucks balls it’s me pretty much. I hate being overly sensitive too. Like little things embarass me immensely and I don’t know if people even realize how much hurt I feel when they do these little things. Like make fun of how I fidget in front of EVERYONE makes me feel like I am a handicapped person. I despise being put on the spot negatively. It makes me feel physically ill and I shut down. BLANK. I become my 17 year old depressed self. Rockford bound feeling. Its no bueno. I need to stop bringing that melodrama to work. I try not to be that way but its hard when i think everyone around me doesnt take me seriously as an adult. Sure, I am quirky in certain senses but I am not harming any one. Why make me look like a fool? Any tips to make my shell a little harder so I don’t shut down completely? I need to become braver and be less sensitive. I almost cried at work today for gods sakes over this dumb crap and I would’ve looked so silly. It’s my new job! I need to pull it together.

But any who I am having a girls night with my homies Brandi, Britney, and Brandy. Together we make B3K so it’s gonna be radder than rad. plus peep this:

that is my ticket to see paramore and tegan and sara. Can you say amazeballs because I totally can! So july kicks ass and I just need to control my inner demons. Tips would be helpful. Telling me to suck it up you whinny bitch is NOT helpful. JUST a fyi.

All around me new love and it makes me sad./If I imagine you, body next to another

I am just seriously enjoying some life man! I have had a rad summer so far full of friends, swimming, trips, and memories. Soon it’ll be filled with meeting friends for the first time, going to an epic concert, and EVEN more memories to last a life time. I even have a new job!I am not trying to brag by any means but I do my fair share of bitching in this blog and its nice to have some AWESOME things to talk about. I am still down about my friend’s mother that passed away. It’s affected me profoundly. Even though she wasn’t my age but she was young as hell. Way too young to go. This has taught me to live life to the fullest and just enjoy what is coming by. I have been doing my fair share of smiling lately and hoping hard core for the future.

Sure, I have been screwed over this summer. But I have been screwed over a million times before. That’s sucky to say how much I don’t trust men anymore but I don’t. I know first hand that most guys will cheat or lie and most girls just get on my nerves so I am so screwed if I ever want some romance in my life. I wonder if I am just waiting for some big gesture from some man. Fufill that movie fantasy. I know I speak of my lack of romance a lot and I apologize but it is a big part of who I am. Kinda like when people are in a relationship their significant other is their whole world. I just have me and no prospects in the future. I try not to get down about it. Keeping myself drama free. I have been saying my peace too. Making slight confrontations and that isn’t me. I am hardly a fighter but I will do what I have to. I..E. the many dramas at wawa. But I digress. I just want to be able to hold my head high as a woman and I still have my honor and all that mess. At least no one can label me a slut or anything crazy like that. Sounds lame that I cling to that status with my bare teeth but it makes me feel better to know that I have not lost my heart totally completely and fleetingly to some random ass dude thats just gonna end up breaking my heart any how. I think I really need a nice guy that likes me for how I look RIGHT now and then when I lose the weight loves me even more because I am healthy. But it’s gonna be forever and a day until that happens. I am sick of being single forrealsies. I don’t like being solo. I am ready for love and I am gonna be so good at it : ).

I am starting to love myself more too. Like, not to be all egotistical by any means, but taking more time to put some make up on in the morning regardless of who I think will see me. I like to enhance my *cough* kinda light brown eyes with a light swipe of eye shadow and water proof mascara. Nothing to dramatic at all just subtle prettiness. I think dressing up for work a bit helps. Feeling like you look nice helps the insides quite a bit! My co workers are all so lovely. I hope after training everything stays as awesome as it is right now. I hope I feel this happy there for a long time. I hope the rest of life catches up to me.

So this post is a medly of a mess. Bittersweet I guess. Just stuff that’s on my mind and whatever. Thanks for reading lovebugz.

That’s the road that’s the load that’s the role I’ve been down I’ve been down I’ve been down down

I have been a shitty blogger as of late. I had big news I just didn’t want to blog it yet in case of jinxage. I am, unfortunately, one of those people that believe in the ‘if it’s too good to be true it probably is’ aspect of life.

Well, I should fear no longer now since today was my first day in my brand spanking new job! APPLAUSE X2! LOL I am soo happy. It seems like a great company with great pay, benefits, and recognition for doing well. The people there are all super nice and welcoming. I am going to be a customer service associate for a healthcare company. They seem to be doing well too so I don’t think it’s a job I’ll be losing due to down sizing. I asked that question during the interview just in case.

Due to this new job I have put in my two weeks at the job that is the bane of my existance. GOOD BYE PATHMARK I WON’T MISS YOU ONE DAMN BIT! July first will be my last day there and I sooo can’t wait. Everyone’s pure unhappiness with the job there just leaks into your pores giving you a sense of dread as soon as you clock in. I hate it there. It’s the equivalent of getting your tooth pulled with no novacaine. I feel like such an adult now. Making real dollars with my own benefits. I am glowing with happiness- truly!

I’ll be able to take steps towards the realize/lap band now. I truly want to do that surgery. Oddly enough a fellow(brand new) co-worker just shared with me that she had the procedure done about 6 months ago and has lost a total of 60 pounds. Pretty sweet because I had only lost 25 pounds in five months. I like the fact that weight loss is gradual because I really don’t know if the excess skin removal would be covered after I lose all the weight and I will be damned if I am a good size and have to tuck in my tummy flap-feel me? I really feel like this procedure will be good for me. I am tired of being big. It’s not like I am getting this surgery as a way out either. I am doing this because I have tried losing weight au natural for years and I haven’t had the greatest success. I am tired of being heavy and feeling so unattractive and down on myself that I doubt every move I make. I realize this is not a quick fix but it will help my attitude immensely as well as improve my health.

My confidence is soo shot to hell I can’t even tell if someone is flirting with me. My wifey boo aka sister in crime has to point it out and I am all about saying pshaw he’s just being nice or hes joking. I always assume they’re joking to poke fun at the big girl or just trying to boost a big girls shriveled ego. It pains me to feel this way. I know it’s lame but to talk about my middle school years but in 8th grade I was madly enraptured with this boy and as a dare he hugged me. It made my year(I said pathetic) until someone informed me that “You know —– was dared to do that right?” I WASN’T EVEN HEAVY THEN JUST A CURVY 13 YEAR OLD! How society fucks you up! So I assumed there was something wrong with me from the beginning of the “dating” years. Letting people step all over me making me feel like shit so I consumed every thing in site bringing me to the creature I am today.

I wish some people would understand how not every big person is this tragic mess. I am not a tragic mess- I didn’t become fat because I am a slovenly and gluttenous. I have real psychological issues and I am dealing with the messy bits in between. I wish people were kinder to people of my size. It’s hard for me to stomach skinny or healthy women bitching about how disgusting fat people are because that is a generalization. I do not consider myself disgusting. I consider myself a major work in progress. You don’t know what goes through each persons mind or each persons background to just assume if a person is big they are selfish because they don’t want to put down the big macs on whoppers. Any whooo I guess this happy blog turned into a rant but I hadn’t blogged in forever. I’ll try and update tomorrow to keep the ball rolling. I miss blogging.

Been killing me for days and days it seems But the truth is the thing I fear I just don’t understand

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world”- my fortune cookie. What does the cookie know what I weigh?

This a happy post and a dramaish post. Not really dramaish but… another one of those brutally honest posts. If you’re my friend you’ll prob get pissed off so I am apologizing ahead of time. Okay? Kay.

Cool news; today I had taken a test for this job as a customer service rep for this company and I passed. It was a typing and customer service quiz and I did well and was asked for another interview tomorrow. I am super psyched because I make zero money at my current part time job so hopefully I’ll be able to get this job and take care of my monetary situation so I can get out of my parents house and be a grown up : )

I have been doubting myself with everything lately because I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been able to afford the measely twenty bucks for it. I have to pay it today though because I have been pretty depressed with my weight and looks situation. I don’t even want to get on a scale and see how much I have gained. I seriously don’t. I am not going to weight watchers either and that was a great support system but twelve dollars a week is quite a bit when I only make one hundred a week. A hundred a week. At twenty two its pretty miserable to see that amount. My sister was on unemployment and made almost twice that a week. But at least I have a job! : )

I have come to a major decision on my weight this week. I have decided as soon as I have health insurance I am getting the Realize band. The Realize band is the same as a lap band which is a small band they put around your stomach to strict your intake of food. It helps you feel satisfied faster and with smaller portions of food. I had gone to a consultation last year and I wanted to do it but I lost my insurance once I hit twenty two and that was last October.Another big thing was the fact I can’t drink very much alcohol but alcohol isn’t worth my true happiness and health is it? I strived to lose the weight all on my own but I have two hundred pounds to lose. 2 double 0. It’s disgusting! Yeah, I had lost twenty five pound but it took five months. My health will just keep getting worse and I want to feel better about my self sooner. My best friend Toya is a strong believer that I should love myself as I am but how can I love myself when this is the size I am not supposed to be? I feel so ugly being this size. An unwanted size that can’t fit anywhere comfortably. I have to pay extra for my clothes due to the extra material and I never feel cute in them. Ugh. Size 24/26 ? GROSS! I just feel sooo unattractive! It’s gotten to the point that even if a guy asked me out on a date or wanted to be my boyfriend I would say no. Well, thats a lie, I’d say yes and be a total paranoid freak the entire time. Thinking; there must be something wrong with him to want me. Oh, he’s just going to cheat on me and find someone smaller. It sucks to be so insecure but like my friend Leslie says; “if you don’t like it fix it.” I am trying to fix it. The best thing for me now is to get the Realize band and lose weight a bit faster. About loving myself now… I do have to live in this big body and it was helping when I was going to the gym. Like I felt more confident but not 100%… It’s just hard sometimes. Like I desire love and a relationship like every other girl but I am realistic to realize it’s not going to happen anytime soon. It sucks but it’s true. Its like I am soo ready for failure I nit pick at any guy that has ever taken a small bit of interest. I am just sooo not loving myself and I think thats a big issue. Plus I always think long term. I don’t dive into things I don’t just think willy nilly frivolous. I have never had frivolous high school relationships. I would put my whole heart into it. That’s just how I am. I don’t have a heart tattooed on my sleeve(wrist) for nothing.Plus guys at my age are verrry shallow. Even when I was wayy smaller dudes made fun of me soo hardcore they shaped me into this blubbering rejected mess. I trust no man and second guess myself with every dude. I am awkward around men I like and its sad. It’s really fucking sad.

Sometimes I am overly hard on myself but I’d rather be hard on myself than have someone else make fun of me and tear me down. I’m pretty low to floor as it is I don’t want anyone to bring me sub basement level. What hurts even worse is when I was 14-17 I wasn’t even that big. I just felt I was so big because all of my friends were so much smaller. Like 90-115 smaller. I weigh 180-220 during those years at the heigh 5’8 which wasn’t even that bad. I could’ve lost 40 pounds quickly but instead I dived into food and became so depressed instead of accepting my differences. I was a curvy girl and now I am a certified fat chick. COULDA WOULDA SHOULDA, HUH? Take note of my failures, young ones, I have a loooong road ahead of me now. Wish me luck.

Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left

Look, before you watch this video… It’s not about me crying out for help. It’s not about me begging for kind words. It is not about e-mailed optimism. Even though I love kind words and optimism. It’s just… A wake up call. I am always brutally honest when it comes to myself. This is just another part that honesty. I warn you it’s seeing me at my worst and it’s not flattering. But as I say at the end of the video this is for ME. For me to have on record before I go off the deep end again how it hurts to feel this way. Why I am doing this in the first place, why I am blogging and my ultimate goal. I don’t even want to post the picture of my weight gain. It’s 2.2 pounds and I am very ashamed of myself.

I pressed stop prematurely but I really didn’t have much else left to say. I haven’t watched it yet. I am going to save it for whenever I feel like eating an extra piece of something thats out of my points range. I think alcohol attributed an ounce or two so I should definitely limit my intake on that next time. I ask you all, after watching that, to just give a little prayer for me. I am not super religious or anything like that but I do believe in kind energy. I could use quite a bit of that as I struggle with my stupid job and this job hunt not to mention my lifestyle changes. So a kind thought or two would be lovely.