Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve? It’s been there for days on end

If any readers of this blog are not friends with me on facebook or follow me on twitter I have an awesome announcement!

I went to the doctors yesterday for my two month follow up. The verdict? I dropped another 21.2 pounds! Adding to my total of the previous 37 pounds dropped makes it 58 pounds down! That is amazeballs to the maximillion. I am really losing weight even though I can’t totally see it yet. I still see a girl that needs to lose more weight to be healthy. Which is true. I’ll be honest with you guys. REAL honest. I am going to post the weight I STARTED at in MAY. The horrifying weight that sparked the whole surgery.
412. I am 5’8 and I USED to weigh 412. When I went for my pre op appointment on August 15 I weighed 402. On the day of surgery, 8/31, I was 390. Now, I weigh 343. Still a substantial weight but I am never going back to 400 pounds. The fact that the number was even possible to reach for me just shocked my soul. It was a wake up call. I was really depressed for like 3 days and then I actively pursued the surgery option. I probably could have died with in the next two years letting my weight climb like that. People know I am big but they probably had no idea that I used to weigh over four hundred pounds. Height can be awesome. My ultimate goal is 200 pounds to 190. I think i’d be comfortable at either of those weights. I know they say 180 is the top weight I should be at my height but I know I’d be fine at 200. I’d be a curvy girl. I’m big boned period I think going lower that 190 i may look weird. The fact that I no longer have to lose 200 pounds is amazing. AMAZING. I know I have tons of work ahead of me but I think its very possible to reach goal now. I see the light in the horizon. My self happiness is closer and closer every day! I don’t want people to get it twisted that I am not a happy girl. I am very happy. I get depressed every now and then for my perpetual singledom but I know that you gotta love yourself before you love anyone else. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier being surrounded by couples. My best friends are all in long term relationships. I’ll get there someday.
Another note:
This broad went shopping and I saved mad money. I used and shopped old navy. I bought this ADORABLE sweater coat thing and a couple of long sleeved shirts. I then went to fashion bug and bought a hoodie, a pair of pants (in 2x!!!) and two lace camis.
I used this coupon ( and they took it through my smart phone you didn’t need to print it) and saved 20 bucks off my 50 dollar order. If you can’t click that link search fashion bug on facebook and like their page the coupon is in their pictures.
I ended up buying 250 dollars worth of stuff from both places for 80 dollars. I was so proud. I really needed warmer clothes and better fitting items so it was essential. See, it’s easy to save if you need to shop!
Another another ANOTHER note
It’s the night of Halloweekened. Tons of people are going to the loop in Wilmington, which I agreed to go, but if you’re on the upper east coast you all know this weather is critical. How are the girls who wear super slutty costumes going to fare in this weather? I am a flapper as you saw in a few posts ago. so at least I can wear some tights and a sweater with that jonski. Most likely I’ll be wearing a hoodie too. I hate the cold. I wanna move to Florida so bad. I love my awesome trench coat that is super warm though:

Yeah, that was earlier this year(January). That’s my 400 pound face. I hope the coat still fits me because I really don’t feel like buying a new one unless they have a good deal again on Old Navy for black friday/cyber monday. Well, this post was mad longer than I thought it would be. Hope its a little more uplifting than my last couple of posts. Until later…

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looks a lot worse than it seems but you know baby that’s just me

I can’t remember if I used that lyric before. It’s from of my favorite Tegan and Sara songs called Frozen.
It’s getting so close to surgery. I start the liquid fast on Wednesday which is no fun. I attempted to start the fast 6 days early but I will tell you FUCK that was said at the end of the day. Now don’t think that this means that I will not be able to do it for the 14 days I have to do it forrealsies. I was just like why torture myself now? I wanted to start early to lose more before surgery. I have my two last clearance appointments Wednesday and Thursday. Medical and surgical. I had blood drawn last week to so the check to see if there are any major concerns. I hope they check for blood coagulation. I am so deathly afraid of getting a blood clot. Being larger that is my main concern and the doctors too. I have never had one but I have become obsessed with the bruise on my arm from the withdrawl site. I have asked everyone and their mom if they thought it was a blood clot. I am so afraid I’ll get a blood clot and it’ll hit my brain or heart a la Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I am not being irrational because it could happen. I know there have been bigger people than me getting this surgery but this being my first major surgery I am just like, literally, shiiiit. I am a tiny bit of an emotional wreck lately. Fearful that these next two weeks will be my last or something and I haven’t done 90% of what I have wanted to do with my life. I think its normal for people to be nervous before surgery and I am trying to put on a brave face because I know I want this so bad. This will help me. It will assist me in ways that… will save me. Save who I am.
I am not the girl who bawls at a friggin amusement park. I am not. That’s what happened twice yesterday. I just feel so horrible being this girl that has to say “oh my god the pirate ship bar is going to fucking GUT me let me out.” Yeah. That was a pleasant experience. The asshole guy who was controlling the ride said “here we go again… arms up” as I walked away in the most condescending tone. I was MORTIFIED. I shouldn’t have tried the stupid fucking ride but I didn’t know the bar DID that. I thought it stopped. I just wanted to die. It was terrible. I know I have to hang out to that feeling and NEVER EVER forget that shit. NEVER. It will drive me through these next two weeks and the lifetime after. I can’t wait to go to Herhsey Park again with Jenn next year and ride every ride in that park. Hopefully, by then, I will have lost that sufficient amount of weight I have needed to lose to ride those rides.

That’s Jenn! Not to put her business out there but she had bariatric surgery and she looks really great. She has dropped so much weight. She is such a wonderful supportive person and she knows how it is. She’s been a great help to me and I am so glad to call her a friend. Truly.
Here’s everyone:

Dan, me, Jenn and Bran.
*full credit for pics go to Jenn. They are from her flickr licks are attached to the pictures.
Lemme tell ya that photo above we were SOAKED the tidal force was one of the rides I could ride. It wasn’t a bad day. I had a lot of fun. I love my friends to pieces its just those set backs of embarrassment sucked. Like I said; they’ll be reminders. They’ll keep me going. I am trying to stay positive despite my morbid thoughts.I am a nervous wreck sometimes but I am very excited. I am. This journey has been crazy. I’m over being so unhealthy and unhappy. I can’t wait for my life to just BLOOM. Maybe I’ll finally do an open mic night. Maybe i’ll be able to actually buy crap from Victoria Secret. Hear’s to hoping.
**edit**
I really hope I don’t come off as this entitled whiny bitch. i sense that in me. I promise I am not that way. I just am fat trying to fix it. I am so over having to exercise only in the pool because of joint paint. I’m tired of wearing ugly clothes. I am just annoyed with it.

Another night another dream but always you

A small update from last post:

I went to the seminar for the bariatric surgery and I have made the decision to follow through with either the gastric sleeve or by pass. this is the sleeve: http://www.chrias.com/gastric-sleeve/ and this is the gastric bypass: http://www.chrias.com/gastric-bypass/. Both are pretty, in my opinion, hardcore. I have done my research for the past two years and the seminar really helped me answer some questions that I had. I am meeting with a surgeon on Thursday to get started in the process. I haven’t decided which one I really want yet. The sleeve is fairly new compared to the bypass and that makes me nervous. Plus, there isn’t as much data as there is from the bypass. The reason why I find the sleeve more attractive is the fact you don’t have to rewire your intestines like the bypass but the sleeve removes a part of your stomach. I am going to discuss with the surgeon to weigh my options. I am very excited to start this process because I think this is a great tool to help me lose the weight and keep it off if i’m diligent. With the bypass you’ll become physically ill if you eat sugar so cheating will be really hard but I know its possible for some people to gain it back because they’re not eating correctly. I really hope people stay supportive of my decision and don’t think I’m going the easy way out. It’s still a long process and I haven’t stopped my exercising with my trainer as a matter of fact I added another day for the training. My whole thing is to keep going so when the surgery is done I don’t have so much excess skin. I plan on exercising through out to keep that under control even though I am sure that some of the excess skin will be unavoidable. So there it is. I am sure it’ll be probably 6 months until I get this procedure done. I have to go through counseling and see cardiologists and endocrinologists to check me out. I think I have to see a pulmonologist as well but I have to any way because of my new c-pap machine. Let the planning begin!

are you worth your weight in gold cause you’re behind my eye lids when i’m all alone

I don’t know how many of my friends watch the show Ruby on style but I feel like she’s my soul sister. She has struggled with weight as well and still does. She’s been a larger weight than me but right now she’s about my size. This is a quote from the website that really describes Ruby and hits home for me too:

Ruby is an amazing woman trying to lose hundreds of pounds without surgery, miracle diets or shortcuts. Just one person—mind, body and soul—in the fight to save her life.

I watched an episode today and she described my plight in a way that was soo painful for me because it rang so true. So effing true.
I’m crying as I type this because she got all dolled up for this “date” with this really cute guy. She wasn’t sure if he liked her as more than friends or was the date just a friends thing.
Guess what he said?
You guessed it. He used the F word and not the fun one ya know what i’m saying? I wish I could find a link to her little confessional after he said he wanted this to lean more towards the friendly side. She said something along the lines of how she never wants to feel like she is getting closer to a guy because it always turns out he just wants to be friends because of the weight.
My plight, yes?
I feel like, at this point in my life, that i’ll be alone for probably at least a year. A year to get healthier so I feel good about myself. Maybe this is self depreciating but I have witnessed and so has Ruby. I think (and Ruby said this too) that people really have to be in our shoes to know what its like. TO feel the eyes. Now Ruby was once 800 pounds and I am not near that but I still connect with her level of uneasiness towards dating men. I hate the fact that I like guys and I’m always scared to death to say the words because I am always shut down. Always. And if something DOES happen its all bull shit no substance. ALL BULL SHIT NO SUBSTANCE. I hate that I am always harping on this but at 23 I feel like I am missing on the biggest part of life. Real love. Real honest to God love. I don’t want a guy that has a girl at home. I want a real honest to God good guy that has some balls to be with a bigger woman. Someone who looks past the weight. May be if a guy steps up I won’t feel like I don’t deserve the love because of what I look like. I know I start this paragraph that I’ll be alone for a year but lets get real I have been alone all my life. I want something of substance other than food to fill my loneliness.

day 20

20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Well, I guess I can open up to why my blog name is my blog name- even though it’s totally obvious. I have been overweight all of my life. Not, overweight, let me correct that, BIG all my life. There. That’s right. When I was a kid I was always bigger than everyone else holding my head taller than everyone else. My bones noticeably bigger than other delicate flowers of my day. My hair? A frizzy curly mess my family didn’t know what do to do with. I was just so BIG. It wasn’t weird in the beginning. As a kid,,, I kind of took in stride that I was a big kid you can’t hurt me. But I am a big softie and they ended up bruising me badly with their tongues even though I could kill them with my fists. This shaped me into the food addict that I am. I turn to food more than my best friend. Food and I are chums in a sense that I can always count on a bag of pizza cravers to turn my day around. I wanted it in excess too. I wanted to never stop eating what I was eating. Why stop something that makes me feel so damn happy? It’s not like it’s a drug. It’s just making me fat, so what who cares? But now, back at 367, I feel like my time will be up so shortly if I don’t lose this weight. I am not okay buying my shit f for so much money because I need to get the extended size. I am not cool not being able to buy pretty shoes and boots because my feet are so fat. I am NOT okay with that. I am a girl that loves clothes and fashion and I am not okay with settling for crap. So I am back at weight watchers. I am back to documenting my eating habits. I think I really want to go to the doctors and get a curb your appetite kind of pill because there is seriously so thing wrong with me to want to eat 80% of the time. I probably could use a good shrink but who has time for that? I am a mess of epic proportions but that is my confession. I have plenty of me. Plus I am a fat chick. This blog is about me and I hope it inspires other large woman to be honest with themselves and lose the weight for their HEALTH. because we’re kidding ourselves thinking it’s okay to be a weight that is 100 pounds over what you’re supposed to be. I really don’t want to die at the age of thirty. I really don’t want diabetes. I really don’t want to have a stroke. I would really like to get laid and not worry about my belly. (SEE CONFESSIONS!) But look, it’s about me. It’s about my personal happiness and I have been struggling with that ever since I moved to this god for shaken state. I don’t blame the state itself- not anymore. I like Delaware and what it offers. SAY IT WITH ME NOW: TAX FREE SHOPPING, but it’s the way people act. They see me and challenge me. They literally want to tear me down. Ever sine I was 12 years old and moved here people here are threatened by me. Then it was because I was the new kid with a fro. Yes. A fro because god help having curly hair and not owning a flat iron then going to a white people(yeah I said it) white people salon to get your hair done. They chop off your hair! So what does a curly headed broads hair do? IT GROWS OUT. I had a Latina/cracker f cloud framing my chubby face and of course they tore me a new asshole at school. I was just too different. Plus I had this Philly accent and was trying to be everyone’s friend. They don’t like friendly people with fros in 6 grade. Effed up? Absolutely. So that was my nightmare and I LIVED IT. Which brings me to my middle school years (Even though in Philly middle school started in 5th grade but eh I’m in Delaware at this point) I was this over eager girl star struck by a cute boy. I’d write poetry and want to sing for guys to prove my ardor. I was a tragic mess. I never really felt wanted. Always rejected by boys due to my weight. Even though then I wasn’t even large. Okay, I was bigger than my classmates, but due to bad styling and what not I looked bigger than I was. I’d kill to be 180 again. I was a curvy girl. if I had just not let the world get to me maybe I wouldn’t have this blog today. Maybe I’d be married with kids. I Who knows. I maybe an entirely different person. Which brings me to my theory: if I wasn’t fat would I be this nice? I don’t know. I’d like to think so since my mother and father are very loving people. But I think I overly care. Is my sensitivity due to my weight or because of me? Then it goes back to all this mess of where my over eating stemmed. I have always cared too much. I have cared so much I could cry over someone looking at me funny. Gosh, the fall lot I had with this boy, who I was close friends with, In 9th grade, tell m our mutual friend “Com on, (won’t mention her name here) if you were a guy would you go out with her?” LIKE DOUBLE BURN RIGHT? I think this really helped cause my depression to start spiraling out of control. That rejection from a supposed friend, to the next three years of my pure adoration for this boy who didn’t deserve my adoration and his constant flirtations and then rejections. It was a mess and brought me to tears more often than not. I ended up in a mental hospital due to my crazy cutting and suicidal tendencies. At just 17. I have struggled with my self doubt since 12 basically. Bringing on this ball of fatdom that makes me feel like damn. If I wasn’t fat I’d be happy. I still think that. I really do. I shouldn’t dwell on my weight bringing happiness because that is the thinking of a girl with an eating disorder. In all actuality I do have an eating disorder and I should get help. I am hoping weight watchers will continue to be the help I need. Let it be my AA meetings to food. I know they have over eaters anonymous but I am really scared to go. I don’t think I’d know what to say. I guess all that I have blogged, right? Gah Such a huge explanation sorry folks. I am feeling very eh right now. I THIN it’s because of my birthday this Sunday. I just feel like change needs to happen. I am an adult for crissakes. I need to get on this. I want to be healthy and normal. Not pushing the table out so I am comfortable in a booth. Because that? Sucks more thananthing. Then you feel like people are staring at you like oh god look at that fat chick she can’t fit in the booth and has to push the table out because of her belly. Yikesabee I have been dealing with that for about two years. It’s not healthy. My insides are probably all corroded into this fat mush of yellow gelatinous mush. My organs suffocating because of the fat. I have to keep thinking about these things as I head into this weekend. I don’t want to lose my mind. Please, my fellow large ladies and fat chicks alike, don’t think that I am trying to tear you down. I swear I feel your pain in ways that has made me your equal. I am just trying to voice these things as a personal reminder . I know I will always be big. My smallest, at my smallest weight, will be a size 14/16 and I am totally okay with that. I will be a big beautiful woman then. I am three hundred and sixty seven pounds. It’s not attractive and I am not kidding myself into thinking that. I am well on my way into getting it drilled in my head to finally put the food down. Well, pick the good foods up- I should say. I want to inspire my larger ladies to make it. Don’t settle into the food because it’s so easy. I am trying to turn away from their beguiling comforts. I quote Big Pun

” It’s hard work baby
I just lost a hundred pounds, I’m tryin to live
I ain’t goin nowhere I’m stayin alive baby..

” i am trying to live.

I will lose that first 100 pounds and then, in the next year, i’ll lose the n next 100 pounds. i will. i am not stopping this time. i said it before but i feel this kind of electricity that i really don’t think i am going to go up this time. i am going to stay losing. it make take a while but i ahve nowhere to go but down. i won’t beat myself up over a five pouid increase if it happens like my last teary vlog. i am just going to correct it and stay positive. Feel free to drop on in and give me some positive love in the comments if you want. I love good JUJU! If you read this entire post I applaud you and give you many besos.

Day Ocho! OH!

A song describing my mood:

I am trying to put a positive spin to EVERYthing now. I want to have more positivity in my life so I can get back on track. I did resign up for weight watchers. Buy one month get the second month free? HOLLA! So, I did that and I am restarting tomorrow. So I need to get positivity back into my life and screw the outside that is trying to ruin me. I am my own person so I need to find my strength that is with in me to get back on track and become my own success story. I really, really, want to be a success story. I don’t want to die fat. My body is deterioating at this rate. I am 22 with knee aches, sleep apnea, major winded problems, and having to buy size 24/26. YIKESABEE. It is noooooot normal to be this weight. I am all for fuller women should be on the media but I am not saying get my big ass on the cover on magazines because being this weight will kill you. You will die in like years if you were with me. So I say fuck it. Like there was this whooole big controversy about Gabourey Sibibe being on the cover of Elle and how they only showed her face when the other girls featured were thinner and were shown their whole bodies. Well, knowing me and my size I would only want my head shot. I hate my body and for good reason. It is grotesquely mishapen due to mistreatment. I should not be showcased on Elle for women and girls to see just like stick figure anoerexic girls should not be shown on the cover of elle. I think fuller figured women should, but me and Gabby? No. Not unless she explains in there that I know I am big I think I am beautiful right now but in order to be healthy I have got to lost weight. Not to be 100 pounds but at a healthy weight. I am proud that they are starting to have different sizes on television and movies but I hope Gabourey knows that being that size will kill her shortly. I think she may be about my weight so I know she has got ot have aches. But if Elle was going to have Gabourey on the cover why the hell would they do that to her hair. Eek.

but… wow I just went off on a tangent. This post is supposed to be about a song matching my mood. Okay the Jack Johnson song is absolutely fun, up beat, and something you can just sing to. I feel its like a song saying screw you. Laugh at me. Laugh with me. Whatever I still going to do me and enjoy doing it. That’s how I feel. I am on my path again. I got such a long road ahead of me but with positive affirmations and keeping my vision alive I will definitely get there. I know it. Because I have to live my dream and write a book about this and how I am and show that I can be a success story. I also want to sing on stage soon. I want to get my shit together and write some real songs and get my ass out there. Another song matching my hopeful mood? This one:

I want to do all that she sings in this song except go to Mexico. I want to go to Hawaii or Puerto Rico. But New York and all that? Hell yes! I want to go to Vegas too! Maybe I’ll reach my own level of Vegas some day. I hope so.