Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole

I am an impatient woman. I want every NOW. It’s a stupid way to be and I know this. I think I bitch about my impatience every three posts or so. Maybe more frequently. I just can’t stand it sometimes. I look at my progress and I’m just like why isn’t things happening?! Things as in dudes that I actually like coming up and sweeping me off my feet. I keep getting stage fives. (CLINGERS for those who haven’t seen wedding crashes in a bajillion years.)
I am literally the crazy girl that looks at her visitors list on okcupid and i’m all like “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO MESSAGE ASSHOLES?!”
I am not everyones cup of tea. DUH. I know this. But super irrational- wanting- some- action Krystal is all GRR. Yeah I said it. Honesty peoples. HONESTY. I’m 25 now. I’d like some kinda steady SOMETHING. Jeez. Delaware is no joke a dating wasteland. I swear to it. Where I live it’s like six degrees of separation. I have been friend zoned because I am mutually friends with an ex like forty seven times over. I see the same people everywhere I go.If I make a fool out of myself in one place in front of one group of people I guarantee you i’ll see them at the next venue. It’s all very small town up here in Newark Delaware. I live in “college town.” Guarantee you if I go to this one place tomorrow I am going to see the guy I confessed my crazy crush on while I was drunk on Halloween.
BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. I can only hope that when he sees me again (it’s a when not an if) That he was too drunk to remember that catastrophe. All the nonsense I spewed (it was honest but so UBER embarrassing) is so BAD. I can only hope he really was too hammered to remember. PLEASE. I know i’m a fuck up because can I please get that one pass? NO! BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. It’s the answer to every bull shit that happens here. BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. My urge to GET OUT has been worse than ever. I went on vacation last week to New Orleans and Vegas… Before you get all super jelly and shit i’ll break it down this way.
New Orleans was an epic Bourbon Street SHIT SHOW(IN A GREAT WAY)
Vegas was just a bad shit show but at least I shared it with my best friend.

New Orleans: I went down with three other awesome girls to see the Eagles game with the Green Legion.. Eagles lost but we did not. We just had an amazing time on Bourbon Street. Oh sweet,sweet NOT IN DELAWARE debauchery. Still pretty sure half of Delaware and Philly were there anyway peeping me win TWO ass poppin/shaking contests at two bars. It was all class I tell you. I won’t tell all my secrets but I will say I had a great fucking time.

Vegas:Oh that utter shit show. We had issues with money because the hotel misguided us on the “hold” for money was going to work on Leslie’s credit card. I got paid directly on Friday the 9th so we made big plans to go HARD that day. See the Grand Canyon and go to the a legit Vegas club. Nah, we get assaulted and robbed instead Thursday night. Not getting too into detail because it just sucks but they got my purse with my id, debit card, cell phone, and two dollars (because I didn’t get paid til the morning.) They made out with Leslie’s cell phone. Worst vacation ever but at least we were together. Two girls alone in Vegas? Not safe. That’s my warning to ya’ll.

So. This was my first full week of work since my vacation. I have been going insane with thoughts of how I need to GET OUT. Get far away from Delaware. I don’t know where I want to end up. I want to end up in a place where I feel like I can fit in and still find someone new to meet every day. I fucking HATE monotony. I hate it. I have to stop bitching about it and be proactive. The real plan as of now it just save as much as I can. Figure out the rest later. Like the where. The where can be anywhere once I have my finances together. I cannot stay in Delaware anymore. I am convinced I won’t have a meaningful relationship here. My dreams are so big. My heart is too full and I can’t stand how people know my past so thoroughly that they judge me without getting to know the woman I am becoming. It isn’t just about looks. I HAVE changed drastically but I am still BIG. Let me lay it to you straight. The biggest size I wore was 30/32. Now I wear size 20 jeans from Forever 21. That’s junior plus size ya’ll. Regular plus at the avenue i’m a good 18. That’s like 12 sizes down in a year! My mentality is all over the place. I’m all yay i’m getting thinner look how awesome I look but i’m still not awesome looking enough for these menial college age dudes to wanna date me. Oh, they’ll fuck me. But date me? Like go out in public and hold my hand and shit? NOT UP IN HERE.
I have gone on some dates recently. Didn’t feel that THING. That spark. I wanna be animalistically attracted to someone.Some people give me different advice. Some say keep going feel them out more others say within five minutes you know if you wanna tango. I am at a loss of what I feel. I just feel like i should feel one way or another. If I don’t feel strong enough in the positive column I just don’t wanna waste their time. They don’t have to be Channing Tatum or shit like that. For fucks sake my ideal man is the most lumber jack looking fuck you’d ever meet. That and he’ll be ginger. Oh I have such a red head fetish. It’s stupid. Prince Harry, Ed Sheeran, Damian Lewis, or Kevin MOTHERFUCKING Mckidd. Yeah. That’s the shit I like. With hipsteresque style. That’s what I’m into but it’s not what I exclusively go for. I promise you that.It’s just something I’m attracted to.I am honestly open to a myriad of different men. I am kinda boy crazy. Not gonna fraud.
I AM one of those girls that wants a guy who wants to push me to go for my dreams, has his own aspirations,wants to go to concerts with me,understands my crazy, isn’t super crazy clingy in the first 10 minutes, DRIVES ME CRAZY in a good way, makes me feel passion, leaves me alone when I need it, and can kiss me to make my knees weak(physically or figuratively) when i’m sober. Am I even making sense here?

I read this super awesome piece today about a woman, who’s definitely my size, who’s a porn star. Not saying I wanna be a porn star but it’s empowering to see a woman who is GORGEOUS and PLUS SIZE owning the shit out of who she is. I love that. I am never going to be a size 6. I may get down to 14 and that will still be considered plus size. So I really need to get on her level and just own my shit and then the rest will come. I know this. I really, really, really do. I sometimes just get the mean reds when I am in a full house but I feel like i’m alone with these dark thoughts. It’s honestly just my mind going a million times a minute because I just know about all the possibility. I know what I am capable of. I’m capable of this:

top is May 2011 the bottom is like this September or some shit

I just need to be capable of keeping my sanity. I gotta get my shit together so I can seize the day even MORE.
I am an entitled cunt aren’t I? I really am. I’m sorry. I swear to you i’m a good person. I’ve just been bidding my time for so long! I have been fighting this weight loss battle most of my life and now that I have the enemy troops,mostly, at bay I WANNA PLAY. I missed out SO MUCH from 18 to 23. I still went out and had I good time but it was all a sham. I wasn’t really happy HAPPY. I hated the way I looked and I was so unhealthy. I am still no picture of health but at least I can go to zumba for an hour and still want to do more. I am trying here. I am trying so damn hard to get it together and be the woman i thought i’d be at 25. I can do it. I have good people in my corner and I love them for it.

i’m on the pursuit of happiness

Squats! Oh my lord I love and hate squats. I am so into asses. I love a good ass. I’m an ass woman! I want to have one of those fabulous muscle asses with awesome thighs. So I am doing a squat work out like every day now. With zumba they have various squat workouts they use so I’m trying to copy that. On my own, at home, I am trying to work it out that for at least 10 minutes solid I’m doing squats and then throughout the day I randomly start squatting. Some examples, waiting for food to heat up in the microwave or during commercials. It burns so good. I’m trying very hard to just keep pushing forward with my weightloss. I’m hoping on Monday I can get back to zumba because I missed it this week! My stomachs been pretty okay lately but today its just NOT. I think because I had some peanut butter before I took my prilosec.
I’ve also been uber emotional lately I don’t know why! Katie Dill ( a fabulous local singer around these parts) told me I was beautiful last night (after Amber told her I lost 93 pounds) I kinda got all teary and like cried! I just feel, sometimes, I got so long to go before I can truly FEEL beautiful. Like I know I’m pretty but to feel BEAUTIFUL as a whole… It’s hard sometimes. Especially when I’m just like I still got another 93 pounds and more to go. I am trying to stay positive and smiley it’s just weight, for me, is my struggle. Weight loss is an emotional battle and I have many scars.

Between two lungs it was released

I haven’t done a real blog in awhile because I’ve been pretty ickface lately. I was trying to go to the gym/Zumba at least 4 days a week then Friday I was hammered with the sinus infection . I was out of commission all weekend. I was also stricken with terrible abdominal pains. I really thought I had an ulcer. My dumbass was drinking orange juice because I thought that would help my cold but instead I irritated my stomach pouch. Now I’m back on prilosec to help this gastritis. I still feel icky and now I have to eat way slower than usual because my stomach is so sensitive. I haven’t had an attack of pain since Sunday night ( thank God because that was AWFUL!) . Along with that I’m on zithromycin to get rid of my sinus infection. I’m a hot mess!
But! The good news with going to the doctors is that I was weighed. I was weighed at 6 pounds lost! So to get real with you all i’m now 309. I started my journey, In March 2011, at 412. The one where I decided yeah, i’m getting the surgery. So, if i’m going by that, I have lost over 100 pounds. My doctors are going by my actual surgery weight. That weight on 8/31/2011 was 402 so as of now I have lost 93 pounds. 7 More pounds until I count that I’ve lost 100 pounds. I’m getting that tat when I lose 100! I can’t wait. I’m just trying to stay more positive and be more thankful for my lot in life. I have a second chance at it. While people around me are losing their family members i’m trying to remind myself each day that life is something to hold near and dear and to fight for it. I’m fighting like hell to make something out of myself.
After I get my finances in place and get my car I plan on looking for better career opportunities. I want to be happy where I spend 40 hours a week. I want to feel like i’m making some kind of difference. I’m thinking seriously about going to school to be an EMT through the fire department. I think once I lose more weight and get a car I’m be prepared for the course. It costs $800 so I have to squared away before I take it. Then, some days, all I want to do is something creative. Unfortunately creative does not pay the bills. I am gonna get my head together eventually.
Another thing i’m excited for is my trip to Tennessee. I finally get to meet, in person, some of my closest friends; Kelley and Leslie! I talk to those girls every day and I am finally getting my butt out there to see them. I am well overdue for a vacation and it’s really close! I leave March 13th and I come back on the 22nd. While i’m out there i’m going to see my other friends Dana and Nick. I’m excited to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. I’m their maid of honor : ). I’m stressing about the plane seat a little but i’m confident I’ll be able to fit especially if I keep losing the way i’m losing!

Don’t stop color on the walls

My weight loss is slowing down
I knew it would happen and it just sucks that its happening now. Not when I have fun filled trips planned for 2012. I wanna look hot by summer damn it! Roller coasters are haunting my dreams!
I have accomplished a lot but I need to make better food choices.Just because it takes longer to eat something doesn’t it make it good for you. I have to be more conscious about what I’m shoving in my mouth before shit goes down. I need to up my protein and watch my sodium intake. I think i’m consuming more salt that I should and that is what has been making me retain a lot of water lately. Curse you mall chicken! So, my plan is to replace a meal for a protein smoothie or shake that is low cal and full of real fruit. I am going to try and replace dinner with these smoothies because I haerd somewhere that you should eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. I have to stop buying food and bring my lunch. If i have more control in what I make i will be able to get my protein up and my carbs down. I will not let convenience win. I will wake up earlier and cook myself some eggs. I am realizing my errors now and I am going to nip that ish right in the butt. NO MORE white grians. No more pasta. It will have to be wheat/whole or egg noodles. They even make tofu noodles but they only sell them at Whole Foods and there isn’t one near me. 😦 Is there anyone who has high in lean protein/low cal ) recipes they can share? I’m really trying to stay on task. I have upped my excercise and I’m hoping to keep it up. I’m trying to stay positive and just keep burning those pounds!

it’s not a dream anymore, it’s worth fighting for

Small Update. I had training last night with my physical trainer and he mentioned that I looked like I lost since last Thursday. I was a little apprehensive about stepping on the scale since last visit but I said what hell. Let’s do it. So I got on the scale and I was pleasantly surprised to ssee that I lost another 4 pounds. I am now at 82 pounds lost with just 18 pounds to go until I reach 100 pounds down. I wish I could lose it by the end of the year just so i can say in 2011 I LOST one hundred pounds but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t. I am not in a contest. I am doing this for me. I’m not losing weight to impress anyone but myself (although I do love the support and accolades.) I like that I’m doing it to make myself feel better- that i’m not doing it to impress any men. I have been reconsidering my intial thought of the men that nknew me 82 pounds ago. Like if all of the sudden they magically want to date me after I lose a whole bunch of weight should I automactically write them off as shallow? I really am the same person but I will say I am a lot happier to be around and I feel more hopeful than ever before that things are going to really be okay. Should I take that into account? I guess it all depends on the guy. I can’t dictate who I fall for (lord. knows. that’s. true.) but I’m so lost on all this. I guess if the situation comes up I’ll play it by ear. just random thoughts keep popping up in my head. It’s a little personal and while I am very open and honest some things I just can’t share. Like matters of the heart and its fragile state. Well, okay, i’ll say it. My heart is very fragile and I just don’t know if any one is capable to be responsible for it. I wish someone would step up though, i’ll say that. I’m willing to try. I really am. Is any one else?

before && in progress

For the life of me I don’t know why this post looks like this. I had to use tinypic to upload these pixcutres and I guess I just did it wrong. I’m basically html slow so forgive me. but here are the
befores (July/August)
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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

and this was today:

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

so the pants aren’t doing me any favors because obvs. they’re too big. && yes i’m wearing moccasins because i’m comfy like that. I’m going to purchase spanx eventually (side boob is getting on my friggin nerves). I totally have a long way to go but as you can see i’m on the right track.
Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Now for my fave holiday: BLACK FRIDAY. Sucks I have to work 4pm to 11pm but i’m sure it’ll go quick.

another night another dream but always you. It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true.

I created one of those ticker things online for a sleeve forum for tracking my weight loss. I was in shock to find out since April/May I have lost 52 pounds. That’s the most weight I have lost in my entire life. I can’t believe it. I still have roughly 160 pounds to go but THAT is a huge accomplishment. I don’t feel so hot sometimes though. I’m not begging for compliments but when people say you look so good I’m like really? I just see how much I have to lose. I know this is a poor attitude, and I should celebrate my loss, but I just get mad. Like why did I let myself get so big that I have so far to go? On another note I don’t know why I still like people who don’t like me. its so high school. SO HIGH SCHOOL. Why do I want people who expressed over 6 years ago, when I was thinner mind you, that they didn’t want me. It’s foolish. I think i’m hanging out to this guy in my head because I don’t know many guys. I am gaining my confidence but my self esteem was so low its not a huge improvement. It’s just I have been SLAMMED before by guys I thought were good guys. Torn apart bit by bit. I know other women have been there done that but my sensitivity is such a curse. So is my good memory for bad shit. I ahve never had a boyfriend. Never been on a date.I have had drunken stupid hook ups (that did NOT include sex) but that’s it. I am an innocent 24 year old ; ). Things could be worse I know. I could have been saddled with one of those douchebags only for them to use me and abuse me. I guess everything happens for a reason. I guess I’m lucky in a way. I do wish I had more experience with guys just to really figure out how a guy works. I have had guy friends and I have seen my friends and THEIR boyfriends but I never experienced a relationship. I’m sure I can adapt though. I’m a fast learner : ). I think I need to get out of Delaware. The pickins are so slim here. I think we’re too close to the Jersey Shore ha ha.