Lost in my own skin

We have dreams. We have em and rarely act of them. I… I know that I can be a big dreamer. Sometimes my body can be doing one thing but my mind is envisioning a whole different thing. The what ifs can eat at you so i just keep moving forward. I am trying to be good on my word. My promises. This is why I hardly make promises because I intend on keeping them. I am all for the maybe’s and the we’ll sees. People just love that about me. My flakiness. I’m just trying to stop being a liar. I don’t mean to be but things come up and I just ride with the tide a lot. It’s a messy thing. I think this may be why I like working two jobs. I like having my time already occupied so I don’t have to make too many commitments. This is essentially bull shit .I really wish I was rolling on fat stacks and having nothing but the time in the world to enjoy the world.
I am on this strange tangent because I am still working hard on goals. I say this hit every time I post something. I reached my lowest weight last week in about 7 years. 296. That’s 106 pounds lost in the last 8 months. It also marks the first time I have been under 300 pounds in forever and a day. I’d be perfectly happy just losing another 96 pounds. I’m 5’8 and 200 pounds doesn’t look bad on me. Know how I know this? I was 200 pounds when I was 16. I look at the pictures from then I just want to laugh. I worried about the number instead of how I looked. Dwelling in the fact that I was 200 pounds made me depressed and have zero confidence in myself. It’s pretty crazy to think in 7years I gained 200 pounds. I was 23 when I decided to have the surgery and I was weighing in at 412 pounds this time last year. Surgery date was August 31st of 2011 and on that date I weighed 402. Just in case you guys don’t remember me talking about all those numbers before. It gets confusing. I go by the 402 to mark my weight loss because that’s the official weight my doctor took pre op. What makes me feel good is people say I don’t look the weight I am right now. I just wanna scream hell yes I do. But I, again, blame my height for having decent proportions. That and the fact I work out a lot. I need to work out MORE and get more protein in. I do lack major in that department. i need to just start substituing one meal or maybe two for a protein shake or smoothie. I say this but do I do it?

I can’t really talk about all the exciting things tha are happening because it’s not official yet but when it is that is a whole different ball game. I’m just making moves. I’ll say that! I think the steps i’m making are really going in favor with my goals. I can certainly talk bout the fact that I leave next Wendnesday for Nashville and then in the wee hours of the night we are driving to Gulfy Shores, Alabama for the hang out festival. I can also talk about the trip to Italy i’m taking next year which I can’t wait for! So things are good right now with me. Just me. That’s all I ahve to worry about and I enjoy that. Even thoguh I am fantastic about caring about others and would love to care for someone else but if it’s not in the cards right now I’m not going to dwell on it and just enjoy the hell out of my freedom.

Don’t stop color on the walls

My weight loss is slowing down
I knew it would happen and it just sucks that its happening now. Not when I have fun filled trips planned for 2012. I wanna look hot by summer damn it! Roller coasters are haunting my dreams!
I have accomplished a lot but I need to make better food choices.Just because it takes longer to eat something doesn’t it make it good for you. I have to be more conscious about what I’m shoving in my mouth before shit goes down. I need to up my protein and watch my sodium intake. I think i’m consuming more salt that I should and that is what has been making me retain a lot of water lately. Curse you mall chicken! So, my plan is to replace a meal for a protein smoothie or shake that is low cal and full of real fruit. I am going to try and replace dinner with these smoothies because I haerd somewhere that you should eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. I have to stop buying food and bring my lunch. If i have more control in what I make i will be able to get my protein up and my carbs down. I will not let convenience win. I will wake up earlier and cook myself some eggs. I am realizing my errors now and I am going to nip that ish right in the butt. NO MORE white grians. No more pasta. It will have to be wheat/whole or egg noodles. They even make tofu noodles but they only sell them at Whole Foods and there isn’t one near me. 😦 Is there anyone who has high in lean protein/low cal ) recipes they can share? I’m really trying to stay on task. I have upped my excercise and I’m hoping to keep it up. I’m trying to stay positive and just keep burning those pounds!

for that daughter she’s a star tonight. Without warning she gave up the ghost inside

So. This may come off mad strong but I’m trying to really reach out here and make myself feel better.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING THINKING I WAS FAT WHEN I WAS 13? LIKE REALLY? REALLY?!
Exhibit A:

So I was 13 all gussied up for our 8th grade formal. I was all a twitter over stupid boys worried about making an impression.
Exhibit B:

I was obsessed with o-town. It was straight up ridiculous.
So at that early age I was already obsesssed with weight. I was on slim fast at the time of one of those photos. I wasn’t more than 170 pounds at 5’7. I let the words of others depress me and ruin my self confidence. It’s pure fuckdom. I let myself get to the point where I had to get bariatric surgery. Now I’m struggling to get under 200 pounds. I just wish I knew then what I know now and to just ENJOY being a child. I guarantee you if I wasn’t crazy dieting all the time, at such a young age, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
But I can’t dwell in the past. I have to use it as a motivator. I et sad sometimes. I do. I look back at my wasted youth and I wonder where am I going? Where will I be in a year? Will I ever be wanted? Considered truly attractive/desirable? Those questions are on my bad nights. I have to talk to my loves crying to wake me up so I don’t become so depressed. I’m trying to keep my head up.
I really need to get on a scale soon so I can put a number to what I’ve lost. I think if I see it numerically i won’t be so hard on myself. Or is that all back to the same vicious cycle?

And I will be there for you until the end And even though, when I take you out You’ve got me, you’ve got me standing in an awkward position

I am in the awkward, awkward, stages of weight loss. I don’t know my total weight loss yet. Last time I checked was the first week of October and it was 58 pounds. I am willing to bet its in the sixties now. The reason why the stage i’m in is awkward is I am losing weight in weird places. What i’m noticing is the weight loss is in my neck, chest, and wrists. Yes, wrists. I am able to measure this with my bracelets. The medical id bracelet I wear used to sit exactly on my wristnow there is a little wriggle room. On my left arm I wear a pandora bracelet with fake me out beads. If it weren’t for the beads I’d be able to take that bracelet off with out unclasping it. An impossible feat presurgery. I am also feeling the collar bones I forgot I had. You can’t see them jutting out but they are resurfacing.For funsies I poke myself to feel them. Not in this self harming way, I promise you. I am thrilled to be losing weight but its just so sucky how the belly isn’t following as fast as I wish. My tops look so wonky on my. I have to wear a cami underneath some tops because of the over exposure and my lack of a good bra . It’s all just very awkward. I just wantd to share with you this lovely awkward stage haha
I’m really curious to see the total loss right now but I really don’t want a scale. I don’t want to become obsessed over the number of pounds lost. It is totally important but I think just FEELING better is the more important part. I feel less yucky now that i’m 3 days into the ursoforte. I hope it saves my gallbladder because I really can’t deal with another surgery right now. Especially since Thursday is my second interview/demo at Sephora! It’s a great oppurtunity because apparently its really hard to get into Sephora. Thank God I’m nice as pie to everyone who works there.

i screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it’s left me blind

Ever since the surgery (and my time off) I have had a hard time going to bed at a reasonable time. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact I’m a bit of a night owl. I like to stay up late. It’s the most peaceful time in my crowded house.
Right now I am in such a mood. I am not able to define it. I go back to work on Monday. I don’t LOATHE/Hate my job. It’s really not that bad. It’s just emotionally draining. I work for medicaid customer service for the city of Detroit. The city is a bit… coarse when it comes to speaking to the customer service reps who are trying to help them. It’s customer service. Shit’s not easy. I like helping people and there are times I get these awesome people, but it is a rarity. St Louis and Nebraska was a helluva lot easier. I really like the company I work for. It seems like its a secure job. I am a very emotional person. Very sensitive. I care a lot. There are times when I break down after being cursed up and down because this wasn’t authorized. I feel for these people. I really do. I have gotten better at figuring out its not ME they’re angry at. That’s what I need to drill in my head.
I just don’t want to feel stuck. I work 8:30 to 5. I really want to look into online classes or night school so I can get more education under my belt. I didn’t go to a University or anything like a lot of people I went to high school with. I worked 2 jobs out of high school for about three years and then I started schooling for medical assisting. I did that in the evenings and I worked three part time jobs while doing it and one of those jobs was an overnight job at a hotel.
I’m trying to make sense of myself. I am going to be 24 on Monday. On paper, there isn’t much to me. I don’t own a car and my credits pretty much garbage. I live with my family and help them out by paying rent. This has been a huge year for me. I have started to actually lose weight by getting the gastric sleeve. I am getting healthier. Now that I am getting that further in control I want to start looking at other ways to better myself. I am not near goal weight by any means but I just wanna keep getting better. Being single and living at home I have a lot of opportunity to do this. Once I get off the disability paychecks from when I was out I am going to put away at least 300 dollars a check. I plan on working on my debts to get them bitches off my record. Once I have a good amount of money saved my madre said she’d co sign for me to get a car. I just want a kia nothing fancy by any means. Something I can make payments on to help my credit. That’s the plan anyway. I am not old but I am old enough to really get my shit together. I have a great set of parents that are a great support system. Now that I am not going to be spending money on junk food or alcohol I can definitely save. I am not one for plans but this is one I have to follow. I’ve grown up in different ways even though I don’t live on my own or anything like that. I’m really blessed to get this second chance of living.
Gosh, I’ll tell you my 14 year old self though I’d be married by now. I haven’t even had a real relationship. I think I thought that since my parents were married at 21/22. I am very glad I didn’t just marry some guy out of high school. Not knocking it if that’s your story but for me personally that would not have worked. I have grown so much in that past 6 months. I am hardly the same girl i was my senior year of high school. Everything happens for a reason. Now that I am working on getting my weight under control I am starting to appreciate that hey I might be attractive. I was even checked out today. Like literally, dude stared at my face and did a double take as I walked away. He wasn’t even doing that oh that’s a huge bitch look. He liked what he saw. It felt good and so weird. I am not used to that. I am still big but I think the fact that I am starting to feel better about myself it’s exuding a confidence that I didn’t show before. It’s so bizarre. A good bizarre. I can’t wait for more time to pass and I get even more confident that I may even go on a few dates or something. One step at a time though. That’s all one can ask for, huh?

reasons like seasons they constantly change and the seasons of last year like reasons have floated away

Let me be completely honest. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am at my week mark for my surgery and I am looking at blogs and sites where people got the same procedure as me. I was very upset to see that this one woman only went from a size 26 to a 22 in a year. I hope to be at like a 16 in a year! Granted, this woman was in her forties when she had her procedure and did not exercise. (She said it on her blog I didn’t assume.) I am 23 and I have already started exercising. I don’t plan on stopping. Granted dancing out to Gaga is not like formal ass exercise but it is definitely movement at one week post op. I think I am just petrified of failing. I feel like I have pressure to succeed and lose 200 pounds in like 6 months. I don’t want to be setting myself up for failure and I think I just need to stay positive. I refuse to fail. Being fat has been my downfall for so long. It has ruined my self esteem, love life, social life, and love for fashion. I know getting the gastric sleeve was the right choice. I do. I had a long discussion with my surgeon, plus he said if needed he can turn the sleeve into the bypass! Here is a good site that shows the comparision of the two surgeries, bypass and sleeve, side by side. Bypass only has a wee bit more of percentage of weight loss. I gotta keep my head up but sometimes I just freak out. Maybe being home and not being able to call any one does that. I sure as hell don’t want to talk to people from Detroit right now (my job) but I wish I was strong enough to go to the mall or something. I went to Borders the bookstore yesterday since it’s their last week. I bought 70 bucks worth of books and cds. I bought presents for my mom too so it wasn’t all for me and everything was dirt cheap.For example; I paid a 1.50 for Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness hardcover! It was great to get out of the house. Amazing, in fact. But I did over do it carrying so many heavy books I got winded for a bit there. Since I can’t drive right now my mom was there but she was in another section. I should have stayed close and asked her to help me, which I did… eventually. I don’t know. My thoughts are so spastic sometimes. I just don’t want to fail so I am going to refuse to fail. Simple as that I guess. I just have a lot of people saying i’m so brave for getting this surgery and that I’m an inspiration. I don’t feel like that at all. I feel… like a fat girl desperately trying to get healthy and happy.

surgery: the b sides. WARNING GROSS

I did it. I have been chopped and stapled together. I have been in the hospital for the past two days. Its been a hell of a few days. Let me first tell ya’ll about the day of surgery:
Wednesday; August 31st.
I wake up at 5 and quickly take a good shower. At 5:30 we head to the hospital so I can check in and begin prep. I am a complete nervous wreck. My uncle drops me and my mother off while he parks the car. I am pulled into the room to drop my c pap machine (for my sleep apnea) off as well as my purse. I get weighed and find out that I lost 12 pounds in the two weeks I was doing the liquids. Rad.
So the nurse questions asks me if I am an organ donor or have a will. At 23 I do not have a will and organ donor I am not but I wish I did that when I was sixteen. I begin to cry for fear that I will die and my organs will be of no use. My mom and uncle try to calm me down as does the nurse. They tried to assure me that I wasn’t going to die. And poked me in the stomach with lovinax(a blood thinner) at one point. I was put on a brave face even though I was convinced I was going to die.
After I was changed into a gown a man did an ekg on me very quickly. After all that was done I was brought up to the real prep center for the surgery. I said my good byes to my family and held it together. I was then brought into a room that had 4 beds on each side of the room with curtains. A sweet nurse named Kevin made me laugh and asked a slew of questions. Then a person who preps and scrubs the patients came in an did her business. I was somewhat calm listening to everyone answer the questions the nurses asked them. I attempted to fall asleep. It was around 7:15 then. I was awoken by the people who were to prep me for anesthesia. I told them I had to go to the bathroom which I proceeded to do. When i got back and saw all the people there my fears started to eat at me again. I allowed the nurse in training try to get a vein in my left hand. She failed. The nurse who was not in training put a line in my right arm where they usually drew blood from. I proceeded to sorta hyper ventilate. They were waiting for H&P which was history and something started with a p but the anesthesiologist said to hell with that and just give her the versid which is what they did. They called it the cocktail. It was awesome. From there time got fuzzy. I just remember being wheeled to the OR. I was scooted on to the table and strapped in. Everyone was really sweet and then they put the mask on my face and I was out.

When I awoke in the recovery room i had tons of people around me. Yelling at me. It wasn’t pleasant. They kept telling me to breathe and damn it was hard to breathe. I was in a lot of pain. They put an oxygen mask on me and kept saying breathe. They were sorta satisfied when they started to ask me what my pain level was on a scale of 1 through 10. I said that bitch was at an 8. So they pumped me with something- i assume morphine. They kept reminding me to breathe and breathe deeply but my stomach and side hurt so friggin’ bad. The old gentleman in the bed next to me kept calling out for his wife Dorothy. The people in front of me where all being worked on as well. Then they were wheeled out to go to their rooms. I was there for an hour so my pain level could be brought down. I was then wheeled up to my room. During the trip I had to close my eyes otherwise I was going to vomit. It was so nauseating. I was so groggy by the time I got to my room which was on the 7th floor. I was then assisted to the bathroom. I had to walk really slow because of the ache of my belly and what I found out later was the drain. After I did my business I was helped into a chair. My aunt and my mom then walked in. From there shit was real fuzzy. I remember my friend Jenn coming in and getting very happy to see her. The gas pains from the air they filled me with to better see me for the surgery was traveling up to my shoulders and it was so fucking painful. It really feels like a heart attack. I walked at some point I remember that. I remember not really wanting to pump myself with morphine. Don’t ask me why. The first day was really rough. I was groggy and I kept trying to walk to ease the gas pains. I kep awakening from naps because they had to do my vitals every 15 minutes. I remember my family coming in and my sisters getting on my nerves. I was sorta bitchy because of my discomfort and confusion coming off of all these meds. I walked some more to help with the pain.
I had to put on oxygen at night with my c pap machine because my o2 level was only at 90 and they needed it to be at least at 92. So they had to figure that jonski out. This was at like 12 am. I went to the bathroom and walked again. I walked a hell of a lot for my first day out of surgery. The next day was pretty bad. I was awoken early for vitals and to take a test in which I had to drink the most vile thing on the face of the planet. Mind you, I was only eating an ice chip every 20 minutes or something. I wasn’t allowed to drink. So I am placed on this hard ass table in which they erected and I turned out to be standing. The put the plate very close to my stomach and made me stand in the most awkward way and drink this nasty shit quickly so they could make sure I wasn’t leaking out of my stomach pouch. After that nauseating ordeal I was returned to my room. Oh, I forgot to mention my vomit burps huh? I would get these terrible gas pains and have to sit up quickly. I would have to burp loudly and spit up a little. They said this was normal and to walk. So walk I did. This episode happened while my mom was running to the house to take a shower. This time it was actual vomit. It was like bile and blood. They also said this was normal because my stomach was healing and that bile was that shit I drank. I threw up again after I had another walk. They had to give me anti nausea meds because it was so bad. That shit knocked me out good. I awoke to have Celeste beside me which was nice. I was so out of it. She brought me delicious smelling flowers and they were gorgeous. I walked a little more and then settled back into bed. Its all a bit of a blur until later when a slew of awesome showed up. My dad and sisters, my uncle, toya, tom, and darren, and also my friend amber. It was awesome to be surrounded by so much love in one day. I felt almost 100% but still sore. Around ten the nausea was hitting me again so my visitors dispersed. I felt so gross. The nurse doped me up again on that delicious anti nausea medicine that made me sleep til almost 4 am.
Today I had ultrasounds of my legs to check for blood clots, I forgot to mention I slept with these things of my calves to massage it so I wouldn’t get the clots. Even though I had these on my legs were cramping and hurt a ton. They still do. It takes a lot to get out of a chair or up the stairs. I am very stiff. SO the tests came back negative. I walked some more and was met up with Brandy who brought me a lovely peace pillow and candle. She is so sweet. We walked together some more. It was around 4 and I was still in the hospital when the Physician assistant came in to take out the painful drain. I had to lie in bed and oh my god it was the weirdest thing. It was a tube that was pretty IN my body. It was like they were taking an innards out of me. It was shocking and weird. After that the IV was taken out and I was discharged yay! So the next 48 hours I have to drink small sips of liquids and walk a lot to help with the gas. On Monday i’ll try pureed STUFF. I am feeling icky and gross again so I gotta go but thanks for all of your support and kind words and your love. I have a long road ahead of me!