An End has a start

Wanna hear some shit? I was assaulted and robbed in Vegas. The day before I got paid so it was the day before I actually got to do shit like go see the Grand Canyon and rock my leopard dress and go clubbing. Homeboy got shit but my camera (and awesome pictures), a cell phone with me singing all over it, and a bunch of quarters. Oh, and my debit and license. I cancelled the phone and card immediately before they used it. The cops never caught the bastards but I am trying my best to put it behind me. Just know Vegas is a shit show. It is a dangerous place for two women alone. I don’t want to go into all the details just know Vegas was not my fave vacation. I was happy that my best friend was there to share the shit show and she had my back. Her mom is pretty much the most amazing person ever and helped us out too. 

The way my vacation broke down was three days in New Orleans then four in Vegas. New Orleans was amazing even though I went there and saw the Eagles lose. I love my Eagles and it was epic to be around so many fans that traveled all the way to NOLA for the game. It was fucking epic to be a part of the Green Legion.  I can’t wait to do it again. Short blog. I have had other shit going on that I just don’t wish to share to the world wide web. My heads a mess but it’s getting better. Tonight I’m stressing about something that probably isn’t going to happen. So there’s that. Until later.. 

Day Ocho! OH!

A song describing my mood:

I am trying to put a positive spin to EVERYthing now. I want to have more positivity in my life so I can get back on track. I did resign up for weight watchers. Buy one month get the second month free? HOLLA! So, I did that and I am restarting tomorrow. So I need to get positivity back into my life and screw the outside that is trying to ruin me. I am my own person so I need to find my strength that is with in me to get back on track and become my own success story. I really, really, want to be a success story. I don’t want to die fat. My body is deterioating at this rate. I am 22 with knee aches, sleep apnea, major winded problems, and having to buy size 24/26. YIKESABEE. It is noooooot normal to be this weight. I am all for fuller women should be on the media but I am not saying get my big ass on the cover on magazines because being this weight will kill you. You will die in like years if you were with me. So I say fuck it. Like there was this whooole big controversy about Gabourey Sibibe being on the cover of Elle and how they only showed her face when the other girls featured were thinner and were shown their whole bodies. Well, knowing me and my size I would only want my head shot. I hate my body and for good reason. It is grotesquely mishapen due to mistreatment. I should not be showcased on Elle for women and girls to see just like stick figure anoerexic girls should not be shown on the cover of elle. I think fuller figured women should, but me and Gabby? No. Not unless she explains in there that I know I am big I think I am beautiful right now but in order to be healthy I have got to lost weight. Not to be 100 pounds but at a healthy weight. I am proud that they are starting to have different sizes on television and movies but I hope Gabourey knows that being that size will kill her shortly. I think she may be about my weight so I know she has got ot have aches. But if Elle was going to have Gabourey on the cover why the hell would they do that to her hair. Eek.

but… wow I just went off on a tangent. This post is supposed to be about a song matching my mood. Okay the Jack Johnson song is absolutely fun, up beat, and something you can just sing to. I feel its like a song saying screw you. Laugh at me. Laugh with me. Whatever I still going to do me and enjoy doing it. That’s how I feel. I am on my path again. I got such a long road ahead of me but with positive affirmations and keeping my vision alive I will definitely get there. I know it. Because I have to live my dream and write a book about this and how I am and show that I can be a success story. I also want to sing on stage soon. I want to get my shit together and write some real songs and get my ass out there. Another song matching my hopeful mood? This one:

I want to do all that she sings in this song except go to Mexico. I want to go to Hawaii or Puerto Rico. But New York and all that? Hell yes! I want to go to Vegas too! Maybe I’ll reach my own level of Vegas some day. I hope so.

I want to swim away but don’t know how Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let this happen. GAHHHH. These past two weeks I haven’t measured properly, I had four cocktails, fried food, and only went to the gym a total of five times. Plus I have missed meetings. Tomorrow I am going after missing last week. I am afraid to face the scale. I am afraid to see a jump in numbers due to my lackadaisical attitude these past two weeks. I don’t want to blame the snow… but I am attributing it to my “falling off the wagon.” Urgh, I am so mad at myself! If I destroyed everything in this past week and a half I am going to be devastated. I have worked very, very, hard for those 13 pounds. I need to lose more for my health and sanity. I mean hellooo have you not heard about the Kevin Smith fiasco on the plane? If not click here. You see, I am too fat to fly in an airplane seat. I really am. I struggled at 90 pounds lighter two years ago on southwest airlines. I fit and I could buckle but that shit was UNCOMFORTABLE. I never fly. I never go anywhere. Now, if I wanna go to Vegas, I realize I have to wait a year until I lose the weight because there is no fucking way I am going to pay for two tickets because I am so large. It makes me sad that I am inhibited in enjoying myself right now as I go through this process but I guess that’s why I am here in the first place. I am not trying to do a woe is me act. I really, really, really, am not. This is my blog. This is what I am feeling today. I feel fatter than usual. I feel less me. I feel unattractive. I feel unwanted. I am scared. It’s these ugly feelings that bring me to eat. I need to sleep… I have been working the third shift again… It’s fucking with my moods, my eating schedule, my workouts, and my sleep. My precious, sleep apneafilled sleep.
There is a lot missing with my life. Mainly, it’s the romance. I have never had it. Never. I am about to be twenty three and I don’t know what it’s like to be held in a way that portrays desire… Like true desire. None of this you’re here right now I am willing to bone you because you are here and no one else wants to at the moment. I could use some male support in a way of like yes, you’re beautiful even though you’re heavy and I am here for you as you better yourself for your health. But if a guy wants me now doesn’t that make him have low standards? Would I want a man who has low standards to want a girl who is 350 pounds? I blame my pessimism on many things on this subject; A.) the guys I am acquainted with a very shallow. B.) My lack of male friends. c.) The media. D.) My low self esteem in a whole. There are days when I feel like, facial wise, I am the prettiest bitch in the room, hands down.(Well, not in a cocky ass way but you feel meh.) Then other days, such as today, I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s disheartening. I need to stop thinking like this but… This is me. This is how I feel.

I am not eating right now or anything. At the moment I am just pissed off at my hair. I put a boxed relaxer in this piece because I have such super duper curly hair and I wanted it straight for the rest of winter but now the red color is all gone and it feels like straw. Sorry for all the negativity today.

On another note entirely, Valentine’s day was spent with my girls, Alyson, Brandy, Cheryl, and Robin. (ALPHABETICAL ORDER for fairness) Some photos:

there is even an unfortunate video..
you gotta click here to watch it because I am lazy. If that link doesn’t work check out Brandy’s blog
because she posted it on there.
I call my dancing the fat girl drunk jiggle… Ah those vodka cranberries…

Well, enough of my saddy, paddy, blog. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

i need to be redeemed for the ones ive sinned against

blach im at work soaking in the scent of wax and its made me think of my inappropriate crushes. whether it be on mr. asshole, married guy with kid, dude with girlfriend, mr shallow as a shower, and lets not forget mandels with socks guy. Dont worry, I didnt know the guy was married until after the fact. He never wears his ring! Its these inappropriate men I fall for that makes it so I am single. Plus the fact that men who act on their attraction to me are usually pussies with no balls to take initiatve unless i am so drunk i’d love on anyone. Balls only when incapacitated is no bueno. I wanna run. Like escape. Drive to vegas, get lost for a week, make out with a total stranger, and then stumble back with a smile etched on my face from adventure. REal life sucks.

don’t rain on my parade

So it is my last night/morning of work at this goshforsaken hotel/motel and I stumbled upon hilarity. For those of you who don’t know it’s about an asshole writing e-mails in response to ads that just sound RiDONKulous. One ad was like ‘ does anyone of the shingles or chicken pox so we can meet and expose them to my children?’ Needless to say he does an awesome asshole thing with this crazy broad. As I sit here, drunk on Diet Arizona Lemon Tea, I am watching all the people come in and out of this hotel. Now mind you guys it is 6:30 in the morning so the quality of people is very strange. They are mostly construction workers hacking many o’ lungs.  One big pet peeve: lung hackage. Some are friendly but most are douchers with nothing better to do than fuck with the girl behind the counter.  So,anyway, I’m waiting for seven a.m. so I can have breakfast with my square. Yes, it’s probably going to be an array of unhealthy things such as pancakes and butter but damn it you can’t just quit cold turkey and it is a celebration of my last day at this place. I’m gonna ween off the hard stuff like Wendy’s and Mickey D’s for breakfast, I swear. I have all you bloggers to keep up with my journey. I am telling you I am going to Vegas early next year and there is no FUCKING way I am spending extra money for an extra ticket to cover my fat ass. Ever seen the movie Why Did I Get Married? Yeah, they made the lady pay for an extra seat due to her weight. No. Nah uh. I WILL not be that heifer. That is sooo degrading. So let me enjoy my fatty fat last breakfast and then I’ll crack down with salads, small portions, and broiled chicken and all that mess.