that bridge is on fire back to where i’ve been i’m froze by desire

I want to conquer.
I want to become a phoenix and come up from the ashes of my crazy and show them.
I want to be better.
I want to be the definition of better.
I want the world to see that my mind never stays idle for long and the thoughts are worthy.
I want to show everone i am worthy.
I want the realization to kick in for the ones who discarded me.
I want them to LONG.
I want to be more Zen.
I want to feel less anger.

I want to put more stock in karma.
I want my weirdness to be embraced.
I want my honesty to make people listen; not run.
I want people to take pause and think.
I want to be noticed for all the right reasons.
I want to be well traveled.
I want to raise questions.
I want to be held and not out of pity.
I want people to notice my heart, my soul and not be disgusted.
I want,sincerely, to not give a SHIT what people think about me.
I want to stop being contradictory.
I want things to be great for all that I care about.
I want the nonsense of the world to make sense to me.
I want to go back to school.
I want to be a force to be reckoned with.
I want to light up like a Christmas tree.
I want to be known for my smiles and not my tears.

I want to be more visceral.

I want to always take my chances.

I want respect.

I want the best for others

I want more memories.

I  want to never run out of love to give.

I want to leave the past behind, but still learn from it.

I want to be risky.

I want to be the half cocked smile on all your faces

I want to stop wallowing in doubt.

I want to stop wallowing PERIOD.

I want to make out with the sunrise and never look back

 

 

i’ve been found out so now i’ll never explore- see what i’ve done

Some times you just have to just mellow out to the xx. I know I have blogged about the song the island before but I just adore it. I especially love the male’s voice. I could listen to its slow easy style all day.
I have this enormous headache but i’m afraid to take medicine since I took a sudafed earlier for my congestion. I don’t want to overload my tiny stomach with all kinds of drugs all at once. I am very afraid of getting an ulcer. .I had coffee today (Again) and it was so good. I am risking it but it was a 16 oz and I only drank about 10 oz and it took me all friggin day to drink THAT. I just needed a tiny pick me up after this blah ass week. I am really trying to pay my debts (and there are a lot) so I can get a decent car in the future so I took every bit of OT I could this week.
Ah- the xx perfectly transitioned to the yeah yeah yeahs. Gotta love alphabetical order. I am just so tired. I have been staying up so late watching tv (I know, okay?!) but American Horror Story was so good last night! I never want the show to end on Wednesdays. I love good television and so far I’m liking way too many shows. I wish there was more hours in the day to indulge my television addiction. It’s not like I’m just sitting there watching it. A lot of the time I try and do the elliptical while watching. I really want to get my stomach down. I am losing a lot of weight in my chest and neck area but my tummy is taking its sweet ass time. I have been doing this thing called six inches which is raising your legs in the air using your stomach muscles essentially. I try and do 3 to 4 reps of 20 seconds. Its harder than it sounds I promise you. I want to go to Florida so bad early next year and I want to see my family looking good! I want my grandparents to see that I have gotten better. I also don’t want ANY issues flying in a plane or going to Disney. I’ve been so weird lately. I try and be social and go out. I was supposed to go to this bar crawl/loop thing last Saturday but it was sleeting and freezing and I thought no one was going to go out so I ended up going to my friend’s house for this costume party. It was fun and there was good people there but I still can’t help and feel weird. It’s not like i’m missing out on drinking, okay maybe I am, but I don’t have to drink to have a good time. I just get lost in my own mind a lot. I have definitely been more reserved these past couple of months and I hope people aren’t taking it the wrong way but I rather just go to the movies than go to the bars or clubs. Just for now. I hope to get out of this funk soon. I think I’m going to keep it REALLY low key this weekend and just go to Jenn’s daughter’s birthday party. I am also super excited to meet Amanda finally. I think thats the main thing I’ll do this weekend. That and go see the Rum Diary. I need a little Johnny Depp in my life. Plus, I love how he plays Hunter S Thompson. Super low key. I hope I get out of this funk and start wanting to party again. I need to mingle and meet new folks. Gah.

baby, I like your style. Let’s get it on.

Today I am going to venture in the world. It’s raining and I need to stretch my legs. I am not the kind of girl who loves to loaf at home. So I am going to step out to a store for a little bit and walk. I am going crazy in my house. I am going to bring my water bottle to stay hydrated and keep track of how much liquid I am drinking. It may sound like I am doing too much for a girl who just got out post op but I need this for my minds well being. I really do. I am not an introverted individual by nature and my cell phone is out of minutes til the 8th so I can’t call people which is the wackness. I am most excited about putting make up and clothes that aren’t pjs. They’re going to be loose fitting pants and a loose top but still not what i’ve been wearing recently.
I started pureed food yesterday! I had a wee bit (like a table spoon and a half i swear) of Dannon light n fit strawberry yogurt for lunch and about 2 oz of mashed potatoes for dinner with a half scoop of unflavored protein and light cheese on top melted. It took me 45 minutes to eat. I ate it with a very tiny spoon as recommended. This feeling of fullness is pretty overwhelming sometimes. I feel like; shouldn’t I be eating? Sometimes I sip too much water and I feel the urge to either vomit or a really gross burp/hiccup. It is so weird. I really feel like I am being reborn. It is so weird. I don’t think the weirdness will go away that fast.
On a totally irrelevant note:
I am really into The XX

Their breathy voices… its just so calming to me. I can’t pin who it reminds me of right this second but I feel like its basically music from Grey’s Anatomy’s early seasons lol. Funnily enough, the video I posted above is FROM a Grey’s episode. It’s cool rainy day music which its doing right now. So I am going to get dressed. Wish me luck.
p.s. I updated my latest obsession finally!