that’s my plan that’s who i am. the go getter.

I’m addicted to my phone. I’m addicted to stupid facebook and other stupid social networking websites. Where I tweet passive aggressive things about what I’m feeling super freaking aggressive about.
I’m regressing as an adult. I am regressing as a human being. I realize these things and still I use them. I am blogging right now and I am going to post this link on my facebook page so people can read all about how I need to get over social networking but never will. I’m addicted to that stupid little indicator blinking to tell me someone texted me. It’s annoying. I am very tempted to leave my phone at home tomorrow. God forbid, right?
I am obviously lashing out about my addiction because of underlying reasons. I just am not in the mood at this very moment. I am feeling like a damn brat. It’s allowed once in awhile. I have perspective out the ass. No joke. I get it. I am a privileged bitch.
Tonight I’m having one of those episodes where everyone is pissing me off. Every situation. Those nights where you wanna rake at something… even your own skin. These nights are the worst. These nights are the ones where you look in the mirror and wanna freaking scream your head off. Where you just feel like it’s never going to be enough for anyone. Not even yourself. I told you. The worst kind of nights. So in order to save my sanity I am popping two mid nites and hoping to wake up like the positive girl that I know I am. Writing this til they kick in. I just get so angry. So irrationally angry at some of the cards I dealt myself because I don’t know how to fucking shuffle. I can’t play the game right. It really is all a game. I usually like playing but i’m not winning tonight so I’m pouting like a toddler without her damn tiara.

Advertisements

Brings up suspicions and alibies But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes

I will probably disappoint you. You know why? Because I don’t stand up for myself. I am a meek individual that cares far too much for things that don’t matter. If one doesn’t stand up for oneself what is the point of even being human? I thank god for music every day. If it wasn’t for Florence and the Machine and the Black Keys keeping me sane right now who knows what I would be doing? I constantly thank my far away friend Leslie. I love her to death. Her words are wisdom greater than any book I’ve ever read. Whether or not i’ll follow her advice? Like I said I will probably disappoint you. I disappoint myself in every day. I am a contradiction with no conviction. My inner most private thoughts are eating me alive. So I listen to Florence and the keys because they sing about it. All the artists I love sing about it. They get me without knowing me.

Well I didn’t tell anyone, but a bird flew by.
Saw what I’d done. He set up a nest outside,
and he sang about what I’d become.
He sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbours would hear,
So I invited him in, just to reason with him.
I promised I wouldn’t do it again.

But he sang louder and louder inside the house,
And no I couldn’t get him out.
So I trapped him under a cardboard box.
stood on it to make him stop.
I picked up the bird and above the din I said
“That’s the last song you’ll ever sing”.
Held him down, broke his neck,
Taught him a lesson he wouldn’t forget.

But in my dreams began to creep
that old familiar tweet tweet tweet

I opened my mouth to scream and shout,
I waved my arms and flapped about.
But I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout,
couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout.

I opened my mouth to scream and shout
waved my arms and flapped about
But I couldn’t scream I couldn’t shout,
The song was coming from my mouth.
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

I don’t even know why I identify with this song so much right now. Maybe because I need to snap my inner monologue’s neck and make it my outer monologue? Maybe I should stick with being my own monologue and maybe then I won’t have to struggle with the amount of shits and fucks I should give for anything other than myself and mine.
I need to get better. I need to BE better. I need to set a better example of what a strong woman should be. I need to be at peace with it all. With the fact some things can’t be helped and bad things are gonna happen. Some people are gonna hate me. They’re gonna hate me good. Real good. I can’t be everyone’s friend.
Manipulation is a part of every day life. Lies are a part of every day life… Black Keys got that covered:

Said the moon was ours, yeah
Said the moon was ours, the hell with the day
The sunlight is always gonna take love away
Brings up suspicions and alibies
But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I got a stone where my heart should be
I got a stone where my heart should be
And nothing I do will make you love me
Id leave this time, break all my ties
Be no more use for any disguise
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I wanna die without pain
I wanna die, oh, without pain
All this desception I just cant maintain
The sun, moon, the stars in the sky
Itd hurt me too bad if you said goodbye
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

Do I even want the truth when all I’m going to do is put the hands over my ears and go “LA LA LA?” What good am I? What good are we all if we keep pretending everything is okay when it’s not? Let’s go on the other hand on this; when are gonna stop acting like things are so bad when they’re not? Let’s get real people. My problems are insignificant as fuck. My internal struggle is no ones business but mine but I blog about it like it’s my job. I’m a self centered twenty something living in a world where there is a helluva lot more going on than whether or not i’m okay with me. Guess what? I realize it. I realize it hard. So hard that I am so involved in other things… Things that are just damaging me.

I cry alone

I’m a doer. I DO. I’m an adventurous woman… to an extent. I have faith that things are gonna happen but it sucks that some things come to those who wait. I AM NOT A WAITER… I DON’T WAIT ON SHIT. Does my impatience shock you? Try being me for a day and pick my brain for a moment then call me.
I can’t wait for anything. I have NOW personality and that shit’s the worst.
I must have SOME kind of patience because of many reasons that wish not to share on a public forum. I just get annoyed that I have to have more patience for certain things to happen because I want it to happen NOW. Sometimes ya gotta just listen to some Black Keys and get lost in his Dan’s mournful voice.

thickfreakness

I woke up full of hate today. Full of this anger that feels very misplaced. I’m impatient. I keep waiting for this magical turnaround when shit starts locking together.
What am I expecting when I have an unorganized mind? I can’t put into words what exactly i’m feeling right now. I am a scattered brained mess waiting for some kind of sign. Maybe my obscene amount of time I spend listening to The Black Keys have got me longing for something that isn’t there.

Little Dragon has made me hoping for Constant Surprises.

and most of all Alex Clare got me swooning in every way and I don’t have anyone to swoon with.

My passionate nature and my emotional soul… is meant to be shared with no one but myself?
Everything has stipulations. Can’t I just find someone totally brand new? I want no expectations and I have none except happiness. I expect to be happy. I know there are tons of shitty times in life but I am always looking for happiness and staying happy. I am no longer the girl who wants to slit her wrists but I am the girl who is fragile. Who can handle me with care when I look solid as a fucking ox? I resent my size. I resent my over grown heart. I feel like I am meant to be much smaller than I am. In height… in weight… I don’t feel like I’m very strong. I feel very weak. It’s moments like these I turn to my friends but I really should turn to myself. Find some kind of light with in me. I am just not sure where I’m going with this. What my next step will be. That’s the best part of life right?
I am certain I am nothing but uncertain.