i won’t mistake you for problems with me I won’t let my moods ruin this, you’ll see

I am such a GIRL. I have my days and then I have my DAYS. I am constant in the sense that I am NEVER constant. My feelings are always so out of this world. I get mad and I want to break windows. I get sad and wanna kry many rivers (tee hee). I get so happy I want to perform musical numbers in inappropriate places.
I don’t think i’d be me without all those insane feelings and reactions to those feelings. I think my reactions are what gets me in trouble. I can be kinda extreme. I am working on that to MELLOW THE HELL OUT.
Some times jamming to this song does it for me:

I really like the Tristan Prettyman version.
I’m excited for zumba tomorrow. It is so fun and it doesn’t feel SO much like you’re exercising but it wears you out. I’m going with a friend from work. I barely exercised this week because I am coming down with a cold. I feel pure ickface and I hate it. I’m gonna go make some tea and try to catch up on my sims family. Judge away.

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The fabric’s wearing through And it’s wearing me out You’re wearing me down

I am not going to lose 60 pounds in a month. I am sorry to break it to some of the people who think that. It’s just not going to happen. I think I lost 15 pounds these past two weeks. If that. I have been walking a lot and keeping up on being hydrated. I have kept up with my vitamins but I haven’t been able to fit in that 90 grams of protein. It is difficult! I can only eat a very little and I try to cram as much of that powdered protein in the things I’m eating while keeping it appetizing. I still want shit to taste good, ya know? I’ve been feeling listless today. I hate being in the house all day. I thrive around people. Well, non annoying people.
A lot of things have set me off lately. Irrational anger. Irrational fear.
The irrational anger is sparked by past events I never confronted in the past…
Irrational fear is the fear of going back to work and having to talk to people from Detroit again. Maybe these feelings aren’t irrational…
I have great people in my life. No doubt about that. And these said people mean a lot to me. But sometimes they get annoyed with me because they don’t understand me. They misunderstand my tongue and it causes… confusion. I can’t get into it right now but I’ll leave it at that.
Random bits of flowless poetry:

Copied.
That’s called flattery.
Deceived
that’s called kindness

_________________________________________

Ah, my mind goes a million times a minute and I can’t articulate SHIT. It irks me.
I am literally too passionate for my own good. That is it. I get mad. I get sad. And people look at you for feeling this way like get a fucking grip. Well, you get a grip bitch and drown your feelings by popping more pills or screwing your ex that left you because you were too clingy. But I digress.

looks a lot worse than it seems but you know baby that’s just me

I can’t remember if I used that lyric before. It’s from of my favorite Tegan and Sara songs called Frozen.
It’s getting so close to surgery. I start the liquid fast on Wednesday which is no fun. I attempted to start the fast 6 days early but I will tell you FUCK that was said at the end of the day. Now don’t think that this means that I will not be able to do it for the 14 days I have to do it forrealsies. I was just like why torture myself now? I wanted to start early to lose more before surgery. I have my two last clearance appointments Wednesday and Thursday. Medical and surgical. I had blood drawn last week to so the check to see if there are any major concerns. I hope they check for blood coagulation. I am so deathly afraid of getting a blood clot. Being larger that is my main concern and the doctors too. I have never had one but I have become obsessed with the bruise on my arm from the withdrawl site. I have asked everyone and their mom if they thought it was a blood clot. I am so afraid I’ll get a blood clot and it’ll hit my brain or heart a la Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I am not being irrational because it could happen. I know there have been bigger people than me getting this surgery but this being my first major surgery I am just like, literally, shiiiit. I am a tiny bit of an emotional wreck lately. Fearful that these next two weeks will be my last or something and I haven’t done 90% of what I have wanted to do with my life. I think its normal for people to be nervous before surgery and I am trying to put on a brave face because I know I want this so bad. This will help me. It will assist me in ways that… will save me. Save who I am.
I am not the girl who bawls at a friggin amusement park. I am not. That’s what happened twice yesterday. I just feel so horrible being this girl that has to say “oh my god the pirate ship bar is going to fucking GUT me let me out.” Yeah. That was a pleasant experience. The asshole guy who was controlling the ride said “here we go again… arms up” as I walked away in the most condescending tone. I was MORTIFIED. I shouldn’t have tried the stupid fucking ride but I didn’t know the bar DID that. I thought it stopped. I just wanted to die. It was terrible. I know I have to hang out to that feeling and NEVER EVER forget that shit. NEVER. It will drive me through these next two weeks and the lifetime after. I can’t wait to go to Herhsey Park again with Jenn next year and ride every ride in that park. Hopefully, by then, I will have lost that sufficient amount of weight I have needed to lose to ride those rides.

That’s Jenn! Not to put her business out there but she had bariatric surgery and she looks really great. She has dropped so much weight. She is such a wonderful supportive person and she knows how it is. She’s been a great help to me and I am so glad to call her a friend. Truly.
Here’s everyone:

Dan, me, Jenn and Bran.
*full credit for pics go to Jenn. They are from her flickr licks are attached to the pictures.
Lemme tell ya that photo above we were SOAKED the tidal force was one of the rides I could ride. It wasn’t a bad day. I had a lot of fun. I love my friends to pieces its just those set backs of embarrassment sucked. Like I said; they’ll be reminders. They’ll keep me going. I am trying to stay positive despite my morbid thoughts.I am a nervous wreck sometimes but I am very excited. I am. This journey has been crazy. I’m over being so unhealthy and unhappy. I can’t wait for my life to just BLOOM. Maybe I’ll finally do an open mic night. Maybe i’ll be able to actually buy crap from Victoria Secret. Hear’s to hoping.
**edit**
I really hope I don’t come off as this entitled whiny bitch. i sense that in me. I promise I am not that way. I just am fat trying to fix it. I am so over having to exercise only in the pool because of joint paint. I’m tired of wearing ugly clothes. I am just annoyed with it.

are you ten years ago?

Shits about to get real man. About the surgery. I know it’s not too far away. I know I was only on the three month plan. I know this is what I want to do. I know this is the best decision for me. Extreme? Maybe. But the shit i’ve been through since age 12 man its been a struggle. Some people struggle with drugs, sex, money, gambling, anorexia, I struggle with being fat. Its a common known fact by the looks of this blog and me. Today I went for the appointment to meet with a psychologist and nurse practitioner to go over my health inside and out. I am pleased to announce that I am psychologically sound to get the surgery but he did recommend I seek out some counseling but he didn’t think it was necessary to get the surgery. I am going to do it any way because I’ve been thinking about it. I want to be able to get shit off my chest and make sure I’m doing this for all the right reasons like for me and not sick saddistic revenge for allt he kids that treated me like shit in middle/high school to be like FUCK YOU I’M SKINNY NOW EAT SHIT! Or is that so terrible? Those are the things I will research with my counselor 🙂 THat and the whole should I actually trust men? To be continued on that.
So yes, I am cleared for surgery mentally. All I have to do is pass the cardiology tests( stress test, echo, and ultra sound) and the pulmonary stuff (i really couldn’t tell you what I have to do haha) and finish the life skills and nutrition classes. That all wraps up July 22nd. The tests for cardio will be finished july 29th and pulmonary i’ve been holding off until I could breathe through my nose again. The surgery could seriously be in August. I’m not freaking out but i am taking into consideration that today was June 20th. That this really is happening. A lot of people are still giving me shit. Like why are you getting the surgery. Like have you seen me? Have you seen how unhappy I am with myself? How unhealthy I am? I don’t consider those people my friends. They are mere associates.
So that’s all that’s been in my head.
Another sad thing happened today that I’m sure any Jackass, CKY, Viva la bam, Delaware Valley(aka local celebrity) people know about: Ryan Dunn dying in that car accident. Some people are giving people shit about posting RIP Dunn on their facebook. Can’t people have respect and compassion for the death of a fellow human? Call me a bleeding heart but I happen to give a shit. I did not know that guy personally but I hope any person (besides someone like the devil) rests in peace in death. I actually just saw Ryan Dunn up close and personal with Bam at the thirty seconds to mars show in Camden so it sucks. Even if alcohol was involved because I know that I’ve fucked up on a level like that. Drinking and driving is hella bad but is easier to do than some people think, unfortunately. So I’m going to close with a REST IN PEACE RYAN DUNN AND his passenger/friend Zach.
like seriously watch this vid from http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Jackass-Star-Ryan-Dunn-Dies-in-Car-Accident-124184189.html
http://media.nbcphiladelphia.com/designvideo/embeddedPlayer.swf

View more videos at: http://nbcphiladelphia.com.

how can you watch that and not CARE? Not feel something?

I was walking with a ghost

Soo I haven’t BLOGGED blogged in forrrrevverrrr. Well amazing things have occurred and things I have meant to talk about have been two weeks past. The meeting of my epic two Bs from my B3K. Brandi and Britney! here are some photos:

The four of us together late night swimming!

Brit, Brandi, Me, Brandyyy b3k

There were tons more but its like… I would post em all here but I can always just add you on fb if you’re that awesome and you can see the rest. lol
They were amazing and meeting them in the flesh after talking blog to blog twitter to twitter text to text is amazing. You really can find amazing people you can connect with via internet and I am so thankful I know them and consider them my close friends.

This weekend, in the 104 degree heat, I saw paramore, tegan and sara, new found glory, and kadawatha. Amazing epic music! Venue sucked balls because it was seats(seats at a rock show? wtf!) and a bunch of lil tweens who had no idea they were in the presence of musical greatness. Me and my friend Morgan were being creeptastic getting there madd early hoping to see Hayley but we did see one of the guys of the band and said hi! It was soo hot I spent like a million dollars on drinks that would have cost prob ten instead if 50. Not pleased about the fair prices I paid but… I couldn’t be dehydrated! But back to the amazing music. Seeing NFG back in action was awesome. They were superb and the kids didn’t know who the hell they were but I did! I was jamming to katalyst. I loved it! Then Tegan and Sara was up there and I was one of the ten people that stood and sang ever effing lyric to all my fave songs. They knew I was a true fan and that is all that damn well matters!
Paramore was awesome Hayley has a set of pipes you won’t believe. Here are some flix crappy quality but it was my cell what can you do…

Honda Civic car


Hayley

Hayley

Tegan and Sara

God it was sooo amazing!

there were some more but others were crappier than the rest hahaha. I wanna see them again with my friend Amber! She’s an awesome concert buddy and she hasn’t seen them live. If only the tix to see them werent on a week day. The show starts at 6:30 and I get done work at six!
So that was the fantasticalness of my past two weeks. I was in the presence of musical greatness this weekend and I am thirsty for another show! I am never ever sated.HAHA.
Personal life? I have amazing friends- no boyfriends or love interests in the least. I am starting to think its more than okay. The drama that happened when coulda shoulda woulda was popping along was enough to last me a long time. I have found myself being way more mature than most and thank ful I am sooo thoughtful in the sense of every BIG picture. I am not a planner but I am a person that can foresee tragedy in most men. Like if I had dated this one guy that liked me years ago I could be talking to his stupid ass through the prison phone, or this other guy who is I am sure on drugs, and this other guy that has no problem cheating on his girl. I pride myself in having this radar on the bull shit. If it means that I’ll be alone for awhile thats cool. Why be hurt or left in some lame situation where I can’t follow my dreams? Dead end relationships that I don’t need to be in. I don’t want a guy that’s a fixer upper nor a man with absolutely no ambition. Okay your satisfying making a dollar over minimum wage? Peace out! I want the moon stars and I want a guy who wants the sun so we’d have the whole sky together. How fab would that be? Call me a picky bitch but thats finer than fine. I’d rather be picky then worry about a dude cheating on me or leaving me high and dry kay thanks. I have seen it all and I am very knowledgeable in dead end relationships.

I also need to stop being so friggin nice and maybe holding my tongue less and letting out my rage instead of letting the evil thoughts fester. Tallying up each bull shit thing you do and letting it tip over until my anger makes me do the craziest things. That and write you off. Maybe some people are worth writing off though and I am totally okay with making that happen. Why have people drag me down because they want to be dead weights? I am thankful for my circle I got and the people who are there for me and really listen to what I say. A person I know just asked me a week ago hows the job search going? Um I know I screamed from the roof tops two months ago I got a new fab job. Where were you? Up your own ass. I may be a great psychiatrist and maybe that should be my profession but it is allll about give and take. I know my toya must be tired of my outbursts sometimes but her and this blog? They are basicaly my only ears. I may make snide ass comments on my statuses or in person but they are skated over like my thoughts aren’t worth the time. So snip snip to those. I do not even give a damn. I’ll make it. Hell, I am doing it.

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness…

So it is so true.. I have a serious confidence problem. It’s not a secret and it sucks balls it’s me pretty much. I hate being overly sensitive too. Like little things embarass me immensely and I don’t know if people even realize how much hurt I feel when they do these little things. Like make fun of how I fidget in front of EVERYONE makes me feel like I am a handicapped person. I despise being put on the spot negatively. It makes me feel physically ill and I shut down. BLANK. I become my 17 year old depressed self. Rockford bound feeling. Its no bueno. I need to stop bringing that melodrama to work. I try not to be that way but its hard when i think everyone around me doesnt take me seriously as an adult. Sure, I am quirky in certain senses but I am not harming any one. Why make me look like a fool? Any tips to make my shell a little harder so I don’t shut down completely? I need to become braver and be less sensitive. I almost cried at work today for gods sakes over this dumb crap and I would’ve looked so silly. It’s my new job! I need to pull it together.

But any who I am having a girls night with my homies Brandi, Britney, and Brandy. Together we make B3K so it’s gonna be radder than rad. plus peep this:

that is my ticket to see paramore and tegan and sara. Can you say amazeballs because I totally can! So july kicks ass and I just need to control my inner demons. Tips would be helpful. Telling me to suck it up you whinny bitch is NOT helpful. JUST a fyi.

All around me new love and it makes me sad./If I imagine you, body next to another

I am just seriously enjoying some life man! I have had a rad summer so far full of friends, swimming, trips, and memories. Soon it’ll be filled with meeting friends for the first time, going to an epic concert, and EVEN more memories to last a life time. I even have a new job!I am not trying to brag by any means but I do my fair share of bitching in this blog and its nice to have some AWESOME things to talk about. I am still down about my friend’s mother that passed away. It’s affected me profoundly. Even though she wasn’t my age but she was young as hell. Way too young to go. This has taught me to live life to the fullest and just enjoy what is coming by. I have been doing my fair share of smiling lately and hoping hard core for the future.

Sure, I have been screwed over this summer. But I have been screwed over a million times before. That’s sucky to say how much I don’t trust men anymore but I don’t. I know first hand that most guys will cheat or lie and most girls just get on my nerves so I am so screwed if I ever want some romance in my life. I wonder if I am just waiting for some big gesture from some man. Fufill that movie fantasy. I know I speak of my lack of romance a lot and I apologize but it is a big part of who I am. Kinda like when people are in a relationship their significant other is their whole world. I just have me and no prospects in the future. I try not to get down about it. Keeping myself drama free. I have been saying my peace too. Making slight confrontations and that isn’t me. I am hardly a fighter but I will do what I have to. I..E. the many dramas at wawa. But I digress. I just want to be able to hold my head high as a woman and I still have my honor and all that mess. At least no one can label me a slut or anything crazy like that. Sounds lame that I cling to that status with my bare teeth but it makes me feel better to know that I have not lost my heart totally completely and fleetingly to some random ass dude thats just gonna end up breaking my heart any how. I think I really need a nice guy that likes me for how I look RIGHT now and then when I lose the weight loves me even more because I am healthy. But it’s gonna be forever and a day until that happens. I am sick of being single forrealsies. I don’t like being solo. I am ready for love and I am gonna be so good at it : ).

I am starting to love myself more too. Like, not to be all egotistical by any means, but taking more time to put some make up on in the morning regardless of who I think will see me. I like to enhance my *cough* kinda light brown eyes with a light swipe of eye shadow and water proof mascara. Nothing to dramatic at all just subtle prettiness. I think dressing up for work a bit helps. Feeling like you look nice helps the insides quite a bit! My co workers are all so lovely. I hope after training everything stays as awesome as it is right now. I hope I feel this happy there for a long time. I hope the rest of life catches up to me.

So this post is a medly of a mess. Bittersweet I guess. Just stuff that’s on my mind and whatever. Thanks for reading lovebugz.