You’re all four seasons rolled into one

I am feeling all writey today. So I’m going to write a brief piece of fiction. There is no back story. There is no real reason for this. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe I’m wishing for a future and i’m trying to write it out to make it true. Whatevs. Here is. Read and perceive at your own risk and all that.

I lick my lips in anticipation of his kiss. I am so sick of forced entries. The violation of the tongue down my throat and the agression that causes our teeth to gnash together. I hate that the most. A perfectly good kiss can be ruined but teeth gnashing. I want this kiss more than I have wanted a lot of things lately. His perfect Bambi eyes are trained on my mouth but he does not make a move. The light brown is perfectly framed with luscious lashes. His lids are low and I am enraptured. He does nothing. Maddening. This is maddening. I pull back for fear of rejection. I push a stray bit of my dark hair behind my ear and look to the floor. My toe nail polish is chipping and I curl my toes in embarassament. He is not looking at my sandaled feet. He is looking at my lips. I bite my bottom lip in confusion and frustration. He pulls me closer by grabbing onto my jean belt loop. I place a hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat through his thin cotton t-shirt. I am poised for the perfect kiss. My head is tilted upward and slightly adjusted to go right. His full lips part. I’m ready. He leans forward and delicately places a kiss on my forehead. I sigh in contentment and with wanting. He cups my chin and softly rubs it with his thumb. I bite my lip again. My mind is going four thousand times a minute. My mouth ruins this completely perfect moment; ” Just my forehead?” He laughs at the ludicrous words. The thoughtless manner I had spoken them. I amuse him. He kisses the tip of my nose. I giggle like a teenager. I am frustrated, yet amused as well. His eyes are searching again. This time my eyes. What is he trying to see? I scrunch my nose and he laughs at me again. I can’t help but make light of the seriousness of this so called perfect moment. I don’t have perfect moments. It’s better to muck them up so when it fails there is always that fall back to know it wasn’t as great as you remembered. This gesture causes him to grin further. I huff and say; “Am I really so fun to make fun of?” No longer grinning he seriously places each hand on the sides of my face.
“No, you’re beautiful.” I want to refute the compliment. His statement. It is my MO to deny a compliment. To force it back with a negative. He says the words so sincerely my heart thumps faster and I want to cry. For I do believe his words because I just began to believe them myself. I say nothing else but smile shyly. Lost in the fact that a moment as perfect as this could happen to unlucky in romance me. He holds me closer in his arms and I fold into them. I rest my head below his chin and his stubble rests easily on my forehead. I sigh and smile.
“The stars are so bright tonight,” he says suddenly. I look up to the night sky. He’s right of course but I must point out the obvious:
“That’s is such a THING to say at a time like this.”
He kisses my forehead again. Not saying a word but continues to look up. I break away from his embrace and sit on the grass beside his feet. He follows suit. We sit side by side in this empty field staring up into the sky streched before us. I feel like there is an electricity between us. We bring our fingers together. Lace them together and lie back on the dewey spring grass.
“There is going to be a million bugs in my hair after this and I don’t even care.” I am always ruining the moment. He squeezes my hand tighter has his deep laugh resonates in the night air.
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you do know that right?” I shrug and look at him. My face become wet from the grass. I scrinch my nose again. As if he could not contain himself anymore he brings his face to mine and kisses me softly. He swings is leg over my body. His weight is welcome and I lose my fingers in his feather soft hair. Why is his hair so much softer than mine? I try and not to think of this as I part my lips and his tongue slips in and dances with mine. He isn’t aggressive and the teeth gnashing is absent. We kiss under the stars and get lost in the moment. Who knows if I’ll see him tomorrow? I never know anymore. This much I do know: it’s all about the story.

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Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole

I am an impatient woman. I want every NOW. It’s a stupid way to be and I know this. I think I bitch about my impatience every three posts or so. Maybe more frequently. I just can’t stand it sometimes. I look at my progress and I’m just like why isn’t things happening?! Things as in dudes that I actually like coming up and sweeping me off my feet. I keep getting stage fives. (CLINGERS for those who haven’t seen wedding crashes in a bajillion years.)
I am literally the crazy girl that looks at her visitors list on okcupid and i’m all like “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO MESSAGE ASSHOLES?!”
I am not everyones cup of tea. DUH. I know this. But super irrational- wanting- some- action Krystal is all GRR. Yeah I said it. Honesty peoples. HONESTY. I’m 25 now. I’d like some kinda steady SOMETHING. Jeez. Delaware is no joke a dating wasteland. I swear to it. Where I live it’s like six degrees of separation. I have been friend zoned because I am mutually friends with an ex like forty seven times over. I see the same people everywhere I go.If I make a fool out of myself in one place in front of one group of people I guarantee you i’ll see them at the next venue. It’s all very small town up here in Newark Delaware. I live in “college town.” Guarantee you if I go to this one place tomorrow I am going to see the guy I confessed my crazy crush on while I was drunk on Halloween.
BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. I can only hope that when he sees me again (it’s a when not an if) That he was too drunk to remember that catastrophe. All the nonsense I spewed (it was honest but so UBER embarrassing) is so BAD. I can only hope he really was too hammered to remember. PLEASE. I know i’m a fuck up because can I please get that one pass? NO! BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. It’s the answer to every bull shit that happens here. BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. My urge to GET OUT has been worse than ever. I went on vacation last week to New Orleans and Vegas… Before you get all super jelly and shit i’ll break it down this way.
New Orleans was an epic Bourbon Street SHIT SHOW(IN A GREAT WAY)
Vegas was just a bad shit show but at least I shared it with my best friend.

New Orleans: I went down with three other awesome girls to see the Eagles game with the Green Legion.. Eagles lost but we did not. We just had an amazing time on Bourbon Street. Oh sweet,sweet NOT IN DELAWARE debauchery. Still pretty sure half of Delaware and Philly were there anyway peeping me win TWO ass poppin/shaking contests at two bars. It was all class I tell you. I won’t tell all my secrets but I will say I had a great fucking time.

Vegas:Oh that utter shit show. We had issues with money because the hotel misguided us on the “hold” for money was going to work on Leslie’s credit card. I got paid directly on Friday the 9th so we made big plans to go HARD that day. See the Grand Canyon and go to the a legit Vegas club. Nah, we get assaulted and robbed instead Thursday night. Not getting too into detail because it just sucks but they got my purse with my id, debit card, cell phone, and two dollars (because I didn’t get paid til the morning.) They made out with Leslie’s cell phone. Worst vacation ever but at least we were together. Two girls alone in Vegas? Not safe. That’s my warning to ya’ll.

So. This was my first full week of work since my vacation. I have been going insane with thoughts of how I need to GET OUT. Get far away from Delaware. I don’t know where I want to end up. I want to end up in a place where I feel like I can fit in and still find someone new to meet every day. I fucking HATE monotony. I hate it. I have to stop bitching about it and be proactive. The real plan as of now it just save as much as I can. Figure out the rest later. Like the where. The where can be anywhere once I have my finances together. I cannot stay in Delaware anymore. I am convinced I won’t have a meaningful relationship here. My dreams are so big. My heart is too full and I can’t stand how people know my past so thoroughly that they judge me without getting to know the woman I am becoming. It isn’t just about looks. I HAVE changed drastically but I am still BIG. Let me lay it to you straight. The biggest size I wore was 30/32. Now I wear size 20 jeans from Forever 21. That’s junior plus size ya’ll. Regular plus at the avenue i’m a good 18. That’s like 12 sizes down in a year! My mentality is all over the place. I’m all yay i’m getting thinner look how awesome I look but i’m still not awesome looking enough for these menial college age dudes to wanna date me. Oh, they’ll fuck me. But date me? Like go out in public and hold my hand and shit? NOT UP IN HERE.
I have gone on some dates recently. Didn’t feel that THING. That spark. I wanna be animalistically attracted to someone.Some people give me different advice. Some say keep going feel them out more others say within five minutes you know if you wanna tango. I am at a loss of what I feel. I just feel like i should feel one way or another. If I don’t feel strong enough in the positive column I just don’t wanna waste their time. They don’t have to be Channing Tatum or shit like that. For fucks sake my ideal man is the most lumber jack looking fuck you’d ever meet. That and he’ll be ginger. Oh I have such a red head fetish. It’s stupid. Prince Harry, Ed Sheeran, Damian Lewis, or Kevin MOTHERFUCKING Mckidd. Yeah. That’s the shit I like. With hipsteresque style. That’s what I’m into but it’s not what I exclusively go for. I promise you that.It’s just something I’m attracted to.I am honestly open to a myriad of different men. I am kinda boy crazy. Not gonna fraud.
I AM one of those girls that wants a guy who wants to push me to go for my dreams, has his own aspirations,wants to go to concerts with me,understands my crazy, isn’t super crazy clingy in the first 10 minutes, DRIVES ME CRAZY in a good way, makes me feel passion, leaves me alone when I need it, and can kiss me to make my knees weak(physically or figuratively) when i’m sober. Am I even making sense here?

I read this super awesome piece today about a woman, who’s definitely my size, who’s a porn star. Not saying I wanna be a porn star but it’s empowering to see a woman who is GORGEOUS and PLUS SIZE owning the shit out of who she is. I love that. I am never going to be a size 6. I may get down to 14 and that will still be considered plus size. So I really need to get on her level and just own my shit and then the rest will come. I know this. I really, really, really do. I sometimes just get the mean reds when I am in a full house but I feel like i’m alone with these dark thoughts. It’s honestly just my mind going a million times a minute because I just know about all the possibility. I know what I am capable of. I’m capable of this:

top is May 2011 the bottom is like this September or some shit

I just need to be capable of keeping my sanity. I gotta get my shit together so I can seize the day even MORE.
I am an entitled cunt aren’t I? I really am. I’m sorry. I swear to you i’m a good person. I’ve just been bidding my time for so long! I have been fighting this weight loss battle most of my life and now that I have the enemy troops,mostly, at bay I WANNA PLAY. I missed out SO MUCH from 18 to 23. I still went out and had I good time but it was all a sham. I wasn’t really happy HAPPY. I hated the way I looked and I was so unhealthy. I am still no picture of health but at least I can go to zumba for an hour and still want to do more. I am trying here. I am trying so damn hard to get it together and be the woman i thought i’d be at 25. I can do it. I have good people in my corner and I love them for it.

i’m cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms

I am an unfortunate romantic. I say this because I perpetually have romance in the mind but nothing has happened. I have started a profile on a dating website that will remain nameless because I am desperate for newness. I feel like I have exhausted my immediate options and that is all I have left. Nothing really has come out of it. Some guys say they’re interested but I’m scared to meet them. For one, it’s the internet, for two my weight. I do have a picture that shows all of me but it’s a really good picture. What if they see me in person and it’s just like EW peace out? I don’t know if I can take that kind of rejection. It’s so… severe. I have had lots and lots and LOTS of rejection. I say I’m used to it but I never will be. That’s what sucks.
another note…
I’ve recently discovered Ed Sheeran and his lyrics of love have driven me to tears on several occasions. Why are men allowed to be revered for having such intense feelings but if I wrote music like that (or really just SHOWN people what I’ve ALREADY written) people would judge me as crazy? Is a woman not allowed to have feelings? Really we’re just allowed to have them but we can’t express it because we’ll be labeled psycho. Being a woman is hard man.

running running limbo running round it all

you know what my main problem is? I am irrevocably attracted to emotionally damaged, unavailable, unattainable men. I need to change that but I want to keep my integrity at the same time. Feel me?
Being me… is hard, romantically. If all I wanted was to smash I’d be the belle of many balls ( oh my god haha.) That isn’t what I want. I what a real friendship and relationship. I have come way too far to settle. The problem is when I DO set my sights on someone 9.5 times out of 10 they will never want to be with me. Whether it be because of my weight or other reasons. A big problem for me too is my dating pool has been picked over by the buzzards a long time ago. I don’t live in a thriving city. I live in Newark Delaware. Everyone knows everyone and everyone has fucked everyone.
I have tried a few dating sites and I hate em. I have tried some and it’s not for me. IThat’s just me. I know some success stories from people that I know but I would really like it to happen organically for me. At least once. Besides it goes by area and I am not feeling my own area. Maybe I can join Euro Singles. I literally crack myself up.
I have been seriously toying with moving to Nashville. I am very good at adapting. I think I could settle in there and hopefully meet actual men. But my toying would have to turn into planning. That involves me paying off my debts, getting a car, and saving at least 2 grand for start up on an apartment and a new life.
I am on a hunt for satisfaction. I’m on the pursuit of happiness. I’m getting ichy and I need to scratch. I hope I find what path I want soon so I can start the stepping. I hope you all understand where i’m coming from. Let me get off of here and enjoy the outside world.
“I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness And I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good”

All around me new love and it makes me sad./If I imagine you, body next to another

I am just seriously enjoying some life man! I have had a rad summer so far full of friends, swimming, trips, and memories. Soon it’ll be filled with meeting friends for the first time, going to an epic concert, and EVEN more memories to last a life time. I even have a new job!I am not trying to brag by any means but I do my fair share of bitching in this blog and its nice to have some AWESOME things to talk about. I am still down about my friend’s mother that passed away. It’s affected me profoundly. Even though she wasn’t my age but she was young as hell. Way too young to go. This has taught me to live life to the fullest and just enjoy what is coming by. I have been doing my fair share of smiling lately and hoping hard core for the future.

Sure, I have been screwed over this summer. But I have been screwed over a million times before. That’s sucky to say how much I don’t trust men anymore but I don’t. I know first hand that most guys will cheat or lie and most girls just get on my nerves so I am so screwed if I ever want some romance in my life. I wonder if I am just waiting for some big gesture from some man. Fufill that movie fantasy. I know I speak of my lack of romance a lot and I apologize but it is a big part of who I am. Kinda like when people are in a relationship their significant other is their whole world. I just have me and no prospects in the future. I try not to get down about it. Keeping myself drama free. I have been saying my peace too. Making slight confrontations and that isn’t me. I am hardly a fighter but I will do what I have to. I..E. the many dramas at wawa. But I digress. I just want to be able to hold my head high as a woman and I still have my honor and all that mess. At least no one can label me a slut or anything crazy like that. Sounds lame that I cling to that status with my bare teeth but it makes me feel better to know that I have not lost my heart totally completely and fleetingly to some random ass dude thats just gonna end up breaking my heart any how. I think I really need a nice guy that likes me for how I look RIGHT now and then when I lose the weight loves me even more because I am healthy. But it’s gonna be forever and a day until that happens. I am sick of being single forrealsies. I don’t like being solo. I am ready for love and I am gonna be so good at it : ).

I am starting to love myself more too. Like, not to be all egotistical by any means, but taking more time to put some make up on in the morning regardless of who I think will see me. I like to enhance my *cough* kinda light brown eyes with a light swipe of eye shadow and water proof mascara. Nothing to dramatic at all just subtle prettiness. I think dressing up for work a bit helps. Feeling like you look nice helps the insides quite a bit! My co workers are all so lovely. I hope after training everything stays as awesome as it is right now. I hope I feel this happy there for a long time. I hope the rest of life catches up to me.

So this post is a medly of a mess. Bittersweet I guess. Just stuff that’s on my mind and whatever. Thanks for reading lovebugz.