Day Ocho! OH!

A song describing my mood:

I am trying to put a positive spin to EVERYthing now. I want to have more positivity in my life so I can get back on track. I did resign up for weight watchers. Buy one month get the second month free? HOLLA! So, I did that and I am restarting tomorrow. So I need to get positivity back into my life and screw the outside that is trying to ruin me. I am my own person so I need to find my strength that is with in me to get back on track and become my own success story. I really, really, want to be a success story. I don’t want to die fat. My body is deterioating at this rate. I am 22 with knee aches, sleep apnea, major winded problems, and having to buy size 24/26. YIKESABEE. It is noooooot normal to be this weight. I am all for fuller women should be on the media but I am not saying get my big ass on the cover on magazines because being this weight will kill you. You will die in like years if you were with me. So I say fuck it. Like there was this whooole big controversy about Gabourey Sibibe being on the cover of Elle and how they only showed her face when the other girls featured were thinner and were shown their whole bodies. Well, knowing me and my size I would only want my head shot. I hate my body and for good reason. It is grotesquely mishapen due to mistreatment. I should not be showcased on Elle for women and girls to see just like stick figure anoerexic girls should not be shown on the cover of elle. I think fuller figured women should, but me and Gabby? No. Not unless she explains in there that I know I am big I think I am beautiful right now but in order to be healthy I have got to lost weight. Not to be 100 pounds but at a healthy weight. I am proud that they are starting to have different sizes on television and movies but I hope Gabourey knows that being that size will kill her shortly. I think she may be about my weight so I know she has got ot have aches. But if Elle was going to have Gabourey on the cover why the hell would they do that to her hair. Eek.

but… wow I just went off on a tangent. This post is supposed to be about a song matching my mood. Okay the Jack Johnson song is absolutely fun, up beat, and something you can just sing to. I feel its like a song saying screw you. Laugh at me. Laugh with me. Whatever I still going to do me and enjoy doing it. That’s how I feel. I am on my path again. I got such a long road ahead of me but with positive affirmations and keeping my vision alive I will definitely get there. I know it. Because I have to live my dream and write a book about this and how I am and show that I can be a success story. I also want to sing on stage soon. I want to get my shit together and write some real songs and get my ass out there. Another song matching my hopeful mood? This one:

I want to do all that she sings in this song except go to Mexico. I want to go to Hawaii or Puerto Rico. But New York and all that? Hell yes! I want to go to Vegas too! Maybe I’ll reach my own level of Vegas some day. I hope so.

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throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

The things that you do You’re my best friend Ooo, you make me live.

She gets me. She totally totally gets me. She understands my whims, my mood swings, my tears, my frustrations, and bursts of epic craziness. She’s my wifey and sister and crime. When I freak out she offers amazing advice. I just fail at taking it but you know what I am going to do now? Follow more on the fuck everyone and do me attitude. Boys= heart ache. Fake friends= drama. I am just getting my ducks in line to get my shit together in the most epic way. My steps to my adult hood and self actualization to feel less less and get my muchness in order. I freaked out in a major way saturday if you read the post before last with the depression and the alcohol and apparently i said and did a lot of fucked up crap. Talking mad ish on myself and what not. It is just funny how I can predict the future though. I future screwage of overage. I sensed it back in high school with my first and only love (whom I have rekindled the friendship key word here is FRIEND) and a girl, whom I was friends with, decided to become a bit closer to me. I was like cool new friend but no the broad was out for blood. For HIM. I was like oh shnap on my wanna be man! The thing of it is me and him were close and I just so happened to be madly in love with him and homegirl and everyone and their mom knew he was my booface even though we so werent dating. But she broke the girl code and hopped on that. I totally sensed it too. I knew it soo hard. He invited me over the house and boom there they were and I KNEW something had just happened. Then your boy made me take her home! Still pisses me off to this day even though I have kinda brushed the sitch off. It’s been years but I am “the kinda kid that can’t let anything go” (f.o.b.) so I remember everything and hold tiny grudges. I should be over it but once betrayed always wounded. So a similar thing recently happened but I was no where near in love with the kid but I did like him an awful lot. It’s just so silly and I shouldn’t care because I don’t even want a relationship right now. Well, I do. But with someone who has their shit together forrealsies. I just hate being lied to and made a fool of. Understandable, correct?
Anywho- back to my bestie. LaTOYA is a true friend. If a person can stand to look at me after being sober and seeing my deplorable behavior Saturday they are a true true true true friend. Her and Tom(her hubby mi hermano) are the kindest people and they truly are my family. I owe them, their parents, and sister a lot. They are just such good people and I love them all so much. Toya and Tom keep me grounded and they have my back always. So this post is a dedication to them because I have been down a little lately I think a lot of it is (TMI) pmsing and being tired plus now sick as shit so it’s just lame. I’ll get better. I made my consultation for my lap band and its in two weeks. And its still for me not to impress any boy, dude, man or guy. DONEZO.

where does the good go?

I am going to be seeing paramore and tegan and sara august 4th and i ssosososo happy. It isn’t official until I buy the tix next week but me n the bestest are going I am soo psyched. I didn’t feel like really blogging so here is my vlog:

and if you didn’t see me sing random mess this is it:

oh yeah if you have a youtube subscribe because I won’t always be putting my vids on here. Leave some love if you feel like it. Let me know your thoughts. If you’re gonna be mean its all good I am used to assholes but remember the singing is just for fun. I love to sing, I may not be the best, but I love to do it and share it somehow so there.

Somebody to love

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS Queen’s Somebody to Love done by glee

There is truly something magical about Glee. It represents every type of person. Especially the big girl belter which is what I love because I am a CFC and seeing a beautiful, talented, larger female in the media makes me smile. Watching this show reminds me a lot of my high school life. I was in chorus, show choir, and musicals so naturally I took a shine to Glee. It’s hilarious and honest. I love it so much.
I was off today so I decided to try out this slow cooker my parents have it’s soo cute look :

In it I have a boneless(skinless) chicken breast with some honey, crushed pineapple, and a little bit of pineapple juice. I am very excited about this venture. As my side dish I am going to have l.f. cous cous. I never had couscous before so I am hoping its yummo. This weekend I had chinese food. I went to the mall for the first time in a month and I went starving( very bad idea) so I had grilled bbq chicken and white rice. I really hope I didn’t eff up my whole week. The thing was I didn’t get a chance to go to the gym this weekend so I am gonna have to go HARDCORE these next four days. I want another 5 pounds lost dammit. I am addicted to seeing these numbers drop. I can’t let my cravings get the best of me. I can’t indulge in that way anymore. Summer is coming and so is the rest of my life. I want to go to an amusement park this summer and actually get on rides. Did you know that my fat ass can’t fit on those rides? I swear most embarrassing day of my life last year trying to get on several rides at six flags. So changes are occurring. I just wish it was presto changeo but that’s not life. It’s all about the struggle and the climb.
On another note, those of you who follow me on twitter know how torn up I was about the leaving of Conan O’brien. I actually used hash tags (which I almost NEVER do unless Johnny Depp related haha) saying Team Coco, Conando, conester, and so on. I love Conan O’brien. One of my top ten celebrity crushes fo sho! He’s funny and an honest to goodness good guy. I absolutely LOATHE Leno, I think he is so not funny, so when I found out he was going to go back to 11:30 and shaft my Conan out of the tonight show I was pissed as were many other people. He chose not to stay with the network so now whatever happens to our beloved Conando is up in the air.
He was such a class act on his last episode too. That speech brought me to tears. go to the 3:12 minute mark to check out his heart warming speech.
*
I whole heartedly agree with the whole stop being cynical thing. We all get that way sometimes and it truly gets us no where. To be a good person is where it’s at. I am going to strive to be a good person. I donated some clothes to charity last year, gave money to haiti this year, and I am going to donate some books to the library too. I wanna try and do what I can to be a better person and no obsess with the negative. It gets us no where. So here’s to positivity. Although I will still totally bitch about rude ass customers because they deserve the hate.
* so nbc, being the dicks they are, took down this lovely you tube vid of my conando. I guess you gotta visit their site to check it out.
p.s. When you leave me a comment? I ALWAYS reply. Well, almost always. So always check back for my replies if you’re curious.