Brings up suspicions and alibies But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes

I will probably disappoint you. You know why? Because I don’t stand up for myself. I am a meek individual that cares far too much for things that don’t matter. If one doesn’t stand up for oneself what is the point of even being human? I thank god for music every day. If it wasn’t for Florence and the Machine and the Black Keys keeping me sane right now who knows what I would be doing? I constantly thank my far away friend Leslie. I love her to death. Her words are wisdom greater than any book I’ve ever read. Whether or not i’ll follow her advice? Like I said I will probably disappoint you. I disappoint myself in every day. I am a contradiction with no conviction. My inner most private thoughts are eating me alive. So I listen to Florence and the keys because they sing about it. All the artists I love sing about it. They get me without knowing me.

Well I didn’t tell anyone, but a bird flew by.
Saw what I’d done. He set up a nest outside,
and he sang about what I’d become.
He sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbours would hear,
So I invited him in, just to reason with him.
I promised I wouldn’t do it again.

But he sang louder and louder inside the house,
And no I couldn’t get him out.
So I trapped him under a cardboard box.
stood on it to make him stop.
I picked up the bird and above the din I said
“That’s the last song you’ll ever sing”.
Held him down, broke his neck,
Taught him a lesson he wouldn’t forget.

But in my dreams began to creep
that old familiar tweet tweet tweet

I opened my mouth to scream and shout,
I waved my arms and flapped about.
But I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout,
couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout.

I opened my mouth to scream and shout
waved my arms and flapped about
But I couldn’t scream I couldn’t shout,
The song was coming from my mouth.
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

I don’t even know why I identify with this song so much right now. Maybe because I need to snap my inner monologue’s neck and make it my outer monologue? Maybe I should stick with being my own monologue and maybe then I won’t have to struggle with the amount of shits and fucks I should give for anything other than myself and mine.
I need to get better. I need to BE better. I need to set a better example of what a strong woman should be. I need to be at peace with it all. With the fact some things can’t be helped and bad things are gonna happen. Some people are gonna hate me. They’re gonna hate me good. Real good. I can’t be everyone’s friend.
Manipulation is a part of every day life. Lies are a part of every day life… Black Keys got that covered:

Said the moon was ours, yeah
Said the moon was ours, the hell with the day
The sunlight is always gonna take love away
Brings up suspicions and alibies
But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I got a stone where my heart should be
I got a stone where my heart should be
And nothing I do will make you love me
Id leave this time, break all my ties
Be no more use for any disguise
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I wanna die without pain
I wanna die, oh, without pain
All this desception I just cant maintain
The sun, moon, the stars in the sky
Itd hurt me too bad if you said goodbye
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

Do I even want the truth when all I’m going to do is put the hands over my ears and go “LA LA LA?” What good am I? What good are we all if we keep pretending everything is okay when it’s not? Let’s go on the other hand on this; when are gonna stop acting like things are so bad when they’re not? Let’s get real people. My problems are insignificant as fuck. My internal struggle is no ones business but mine but I blog about it like it’s my job. I’m a self centered twenty something living in a world where there is a helluva lot more going on than whether or not i’m okay with me. Guess what? I realize it. I realize it hard. So hard that I am so involved in other things… Things that are just damaging me.

It’s not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you’ll only change it

There is nothing I hate more than someone who thinks they have me pegged. Other than, of course, real atrocities of life like child molestation and unjust murder and all that. But seriously I cannot STAND someone who thinks they know me. First off, unless you’re one of my close adversaries or have known me longer than a year or two you really DON’T know me. You can read what I choose to write on here or any other social network and Think you have me figured out but really… this is just a very small part of who I am. Sure, we all pass judgments on what we see on the internet but I am trying hard to disconnect because really judging someone based on a tweet or a post isn’t always accurate. We can be anything we want to be online. Show what we want show about our life as not to see one in a negative light. But I have never been a person to show what I want people to see. I am blatantly honest at all times. That’s why I get negative comments and people shaking their head at me. Sorry I show an imperfect woman on the internet. I am really sorry I’m not a mommy of the year blogger and that I’m just some fat chick who’s narcissistic in the journey of getting healthy since I do almost everything by myself.

Since losing over one hundred pounds I am feeling more like myself than ever before. I know what I want and I am starting to really go for it.
Sure, there are times when I get the mean reds but it passes in a few hours instead of lasting a few days. It’s fantastic. On a much MUCH happier note I am getting my patience tattoo soon. I just have to call the artist to get it set up. He is a fantastic artist in PA so I have to see when he has openings. I am excited. The pain should be a reminder that I’ve come very far and I should have patience in all the areas that is life. I need to practice patience. This post is living proof that I’m losing my patience with most people. I need to really start meditating and practicing yoga. Become one and all that. I am still cutting some people out because they are not an integral part of this journey.

Are you laughing at or with me?/Don’t put your money where your mouth is, baby We don’t wanna see you choke

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I wanted to allow myself to calm down. I had gotten “attacked” via facebook message that the person didn’t even have the balls to message me. She message my friend It went on to say that I was a man stealing whore and a fat waste of life. That the guy who KISSED me just felt bad for me because I was so fat and desperate. That I walk around thinking my shit don’t stick around town flaunting my fat ass.They also warned me to not go to Main Street(LEGIT IF YOU DON’T KNOW DELAWARE IT’S JUST A STREET IN COLLEGE TOWN WITH A COUPLE OF BARS AND ROWDY COLLEGE KIDS. FUN IN THE SUMMER LAME WHEN SCHOOLS IN) ever again because they’ll approach me.
Really? Didn’t high school end almost FIVE YEARS AGO?!
I was bent outta shape on this b.s for five seconds because I honestly don’t want problems. I am not “afraid of my own shadow.” I have proven my psycho worth plenty of times at wawa when GROWN men came at me. I highly doubt this, most likely, skinny girl will be a problem unless she FIGHTS dirty. But let’s be honest she didn’t approach me at the bar. She “warned” me over facebook. But who really wants to go to jail when I am getting my life together? Full time job, saving money, and doing me. It’s pathetic that people resort to such mindless ways to attack people. Obviously this girl has some serious time on her hand to make a fake facebook up to attack me. It’s nice to know I am just THAT important. Also, if I WAS supposedly all over your friends man this night over a month ago why didn’t you approach me then? Instead you choose to make up a face book with this crazy name and message my friend because she’s tagged in my pictures. Psycho much? It makes me feel really good to know that so much thought goes into your life about me since you messaged my friend 25 days after that night. A whole month of plotting over big ol me? The worst thing you can say about me is I am fat.. Which let’s be honest I do need to lose but if you knew me and rad my blog since over a year ago I want to lose an have been wanting to lose since wayyy before this so it won’t be around for much longer. As for man stealing whore? What a joke. I DO not walk around like my shit don’t stink I may exude a type of confidence you think a big girl shouldn’t have and that’s a shame that if you’re so happy with YOURSELF you have to take it out on a supposed easy target. If this girl is a fake friend from high school and they are stalking me by engaging in shit talk with people who knew me then you must be so upset that I barely know you that you have to fabricate this story. If this guy who DID come on to me at the bar( I am ordering a drink and he puts his arms around me. Me initiate this? Negative) and he has a girlfriend then he needs to be the one you’re mad at. If you think that I knew this guy all over me has a girlfriend you’re out of your mind. People aren’t tagged single or taken and this dude was acting supremely single. Not that I even remember who this guy is it was dark I was drunk… I am young and having fun. And if you have supposed pictures of me looking “sloppy”, which lets be honest I totally was, I have facebook pictures that are probably less flattering than what you have. To call me a whore is pretty funny because anyone who knows me KNOWS I am still a virgin and I sure as hell ain’t afraid to admit it. And p.s. that was the first guy I kissed in forever! Craziness! Oh, and then she throws out there that “the rumor through out the bar is she likes girls” am I suppsoed to be upset about this? Really? If I did like girls is this supposed to be this terrible thing? Basically you’re a homophobe saying being a lesbian or bi thing is something to attack a woman for. So I ONE up this crazy person in a million ways and there fore if they’re trying to scare me into not going out anymore is clearly ridonkulous. But seriously to call me out that I am fat…
Take a look at this header. Do you think I don’t know?? Do you think you hurt my feelings stating the obvious? The only “waste of life” I see is someone who takes the time to make a fake facebook to attack a fat girl through her friends message boards.