I think I have a restless soul. I mention this often how I hate to stay still. it
s hard fo rme to just sit for too long other than watching movies. I am always thinking of the next thing. The next adventure.
Right now my latest thing I want to accomplish (other than learning Spanish0 is joining a chorus. I love to sing. I love it so much that I literally feel like bursting when I don’t get a chance to sing for a few hours. At work you can only imagine how I am. I currently process claism so I am able to listen to my headphones but damned if I don’t find myself singing no maqtter what. I know I probably annoy the hell out of one cubicle mate but I HAVE to sing sometimes. I sometimes get teary eye when I hear a song because I want to sing a long. I know it is so strange but music DOES something to me. I have a lot of emotions a lot of unsatisfied feelings and the lyrics can sometimes tear me to shreds. This is part of the reason why I hate sharing my music with people. The music Ireally identify with. Every one has different tastes so when I identify to a song so irrevocably and some one starts mocking it or something I feel… really shitty.
I ahve a lot going on in this curly haired hair of mine. I am constantly at straights with my nature. What I really am. No, i’m not a were wolf. I mean who I am supposed to be. What I am meant for. While losing weight has really helped me lose a lot of my insecurities I have hung onto I am still over weight. I still have many more pounds to lose. I am dealing with my own rage that I contain. The rage that I think only Leslie is really aware of. I am sometimes truly imbalanced and I can be so mad at soemone and they may never know it because I let it fester instead of saying what’s bothering me right then and there. I’m working on being more open and honest. I am pretty honest but when it comes to shit that has been done to me or mine i don’t vocalize it properly other than voxing it to Leslie.
So here I am. Listening to music that brings tears to my eyes because I feel like I don’t really know the lyrics because all I know is frustration.
Maybe I can only identify with the emotions of frustration and rage. Unreequitted love would be my album and every one who listens to it will be the lonely souls. Maybe that’s all I’m good for.
I am feeling way more optimistic. It’s almost Christmas and today I woke up with a smile. Having Florence + the Machine as your alarm will do that to you I swear. Another smile to my face is that it’s pay day! I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad pay day. Glorious things happen on pay day. They taught me how to process some easy claims at work today so I was able to jammed to music for almost 6 hours today. Yes, I got paid to JAM. Hence the gloriousness of this day. ; )
I was also able to satiate my thirst for sexy boots. I purchased some boots online today and I got them for 28 bucks! I may be losing weight but my muscular ass calves are still some troublesome areas so I made sure they were for wide calves. I can’t wait to get them. I am determined to dress cuter. I want to rock dresses and skirts. I want to wear *gasp * leggings. Sure I have 100 or so more pounds to lose but damn it i’m feeling better and better every day. There is no reason to look a hot mess no matter what size you are. Rock color and cute things even if you’re plus size! I hate when plus size women hide themselves in only dark clothes or hideous flower patterns. Don’t be afraid of some color! Even at my heaviest I wore fabulous colors. You can see my attempt of a fashion blog post here.
So, random thoughts of the day as I go about my day:
I want an ass like Kim Kardashian’s. It’s possible. I’m going to make it happen. I will do at least 60 squats a day! RAH!
I want a bike but I don’t want a bike. My paranoia is that I’ll make the tires look flat.
I need more real jewelry in life. The e only thing “real” pieces that I own is my Pandora bracelet and my ID bracelet with my awesome name.
Oh, and my class ring that has the year I was SUPPOSED to graduate on it.
Another thing: I’m over my Pandora bracelet.
I worry that i’m bi polar but I usually do have a sunny disposition.
I am not an eye roller so there for I hate it when people roll their eyes at me. Bitch, you waited until 3 days before Christmas to decide you want to buy the limited edition make up set? Seriously?
I want to click my heels and move to Florida. Or New York. Or California. Or Tuscany. Or Australia.
I really don’t want to battle lines tonight.
Of COURSE the hottest guy in the whole office building has a girlfriend. Of course they have a beautiful baby. Of course.
I will still shamelessly check him out. Looking. Not touching.
I cannot WAIT to touch up the dye in my hair.
How does one become a wedding singer? Or becomes a back up singer?
Why do I have a writers block?
I will miss you on American Horror Story Evan Peters!! I will miss your beautiful psycho self so much!
I’ll say it for you: spaztastic.
So I bought a domain. So this is now krymeariver.com . It’s pretty legit in that way. I wanted a domain because I wanted to make this more awesome I guess. That and I want to start advertising. I wanna make some dough if at all possible.
SO the latest: I’m getting sick. I know this because I feel intense sinus pressure, i’m super tired, my glands are swollen and my head is uber heavy. I am trying to stave off the sickness by drinking vitamin c like MAD. It works some days.
Lately, I have been a rage-o-holic. I have been harboring grudges when maybe it isn’t that serious. I am confused by the actions of many and it brings me to my rages. I shouldn’t let these people and their actions make me this pissed but when it affects me and they go all la-di-da-di-da like they did nothing wrong makes me mad. I am not big on confrontations but when they happen they HAPPEN. I think I’m almost past the statute of limitations i think. It happened July of 09 so I think I’m kosher but I still won’t mention the full evil that took over me and almost made me do something very, very, bad. I will say that I need to channel my rage in a full on work out so what I do now is try to dance it out using my new Dance Central 2 game that has so many jams. That or push ups on the steps. I have had such anger and amnimosity toward people… I try to be civil and it’s some what succeeding but it’s getting to the point that i just want to scream “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT AND THINK ITS OKAY?! THAT YOUR REASONING IS JUSTIFIABLE?!” May be this is what I need to do to get this rage off my chest. But instead i try and play cool and just be aloof but it’s driving me mad. I don’t want a repeat of july 09 (and neither does ANYONE else) but I don’t want to ruin shit completely. Being rational at all times is not always my strong suit. I decided that I am getting a tattoo on my left forearm by my wrist. It’s going to say “paciencia”. It’s homage to my latin heritage to remind myself to have patience in all things. I may include the word Paz and make it paz y paciencia. Peace and patience. I like the idea of it just being one word though. Maybe the needles will help air out my inner demons. That and a lot of meditation.
Well, I got myself all worked up again and now I am going to go dance it out. Again. I leave you with a nearly sixty pounds heavier video of myself and my sister Kaylynn and my bro Kevin jamming to my girl. Its poor quality and you really need to have the sound low but it was fun. I just found it on my you tube. Til later:
I am not going to lose 60 pounds in a month. I am sorry to break it to some of the people who think that. It’s just not going to happen. I think I lost 15 pounds these past two weeks. If that. I have been walking a lot and keeping up on being hydrated. I have kept up with my vitamins but I haven’t been able to fit in that 90 grams of protein. It is difficult! I can only eat a very little and I try to cram as much of that powdered protein in the things I’m eating while keeping it appetizing. I still want shit to taste good, ya know? I’ve been feeling listless today. I hate being in the house all day. I thrive around people. Well, non annoying people.
A lot of things have set me off lately. Irrational anger. Irrational fear.
The irrational anger is sparked by past events I never confronted in the past…
Irrational fear is the fear of going back to work and having to talk to people from Detroit again. Maybe these feelings aren’t irrational…
I have great people in my life. No doubt about that. And these said people mean a lot to me. But sometimes they get annoyed with me because they don’t understand me. They misunderstand my tongue and it causes… confusion. I can’t get into it right now but I’ll leave it at that.
Random bits of flowless poetry:
That’s called flattery.
that’s called kindness
Ah, my mind goes a million times a minute and I can’t articulate SHIT. It irks me.
I am literally too passionate for my own good. That is it. I get mad. I get sad. And people look at you for feeling this way like get a fucking grip. Well, you get a grip bitch and drown your feelings by popping more pills or screwing your ex that left you because you were too clingy. But I digress.
To fit in the in between.
Fiction and non
let’s make it real
To lust over the timeline
I’m the colors outside the lines
let’s pretend that I make sense
half the time i’m lost and so suppressed
suffocated and starved for the oxygen
oh to breathe
Let the judgement wash over me
let’s see if we can make it
I can’t imagine
I CAN’T fathom
perfectly at ease
without any their words to stall me
Striving for the best
hoping i can pass this test
I delight myself with dreams
for some eyes to look upon me without disgust
oh how nice
WHere do I fit?
Pulled apart by the insults and drama
Put together and never taken seriously
Ridiculed in secret
I lust for lust
and it’s just my luck my imagination’s vast
that’s the only way my ass will last
I don’t know what that was. It’s not anything normal. I just have so many thoughts going through my head at all times. It’s so focused on food, weight, food and weight. Fitting in. Looking good. It’s depressing to be focusing and stressing over that at all times. My minds consumed by it. I know my time is coming and once the surgery comes I WILL STILL be consumed by food just making sure I eat correctly, enough protein, and all that. I just feel so frazzled. I am so calling EAP (employee assistance program) just so I get my three free counselling sessions. Just so I can get some feedback from people who don’t know me.I want to make it so bad. I want to be able to just be at peace at being me. To feel right in my own skin. To not have the awkward gut that gets in the way. I am just not happy. I can’t enjoy theme parks. I gotta stay focused. Forget the sceisse.
So right now i’m bleaching my hair. I really, really want purple. I am using splat. I am just doing streaks because there isn’t enough for my hair in one box because of the thickness. I just love purple. My job doesn’t care about crazy colors so why not do it now while I can? I am almost 24 and it’s like people are like “you’re getting too old.” I personally will never think i’m getting too old for shit. The only timeline I will ever be concerned with is the having children thing just because of the health risks. I know I stress over the fact I have never had a relationship but I really believe that I have learned by absorbing all the relationships around me. I know what I want. And I don’t want it now. I have to focus on me. Once I am happy with myself and not concerned about whether or not he finds me attractive because I’ll already KNOW it. Feel me?
I really didn’t meant to do two posts in one day. I am just waiting for the BET awards to be finished so I can watch True Blood. In my room I don’t have HBO so I must wait until the down stairs tv is no longer occupied.
I have noticed that my mind is always in chaos. Literally thinking of a thousand things a minute. I am always over analyzing. I am always cringing when replaying things in my head. I thought once you weren’t a teenager crazy insecurities would be easier to deal with. But here I am at 23 still dealing with it. I don’t necessarily have it as bad as I did in high school but I still feel those little tweaks once in awhile. Especially when hanging around a guy I’m interested in. I don’t know why I am so foolish and immature in that sense. I keep replaying moments in that obsessive way like I can somehow turn back the clock. But as I sit and write this and JAM to the latest Foo Fighters album (even though the title of the post is a lyric by Brett Dennen) I feel the need to clarify. I am not this recluse by any means and shy away from my size. I love to go out but I just over analyze my situation around me. It’s not like I have this terrible experiences all the time or anything like that. Yes I have been mooed at by college kids but that is a rare occurrence but they haunt me. I hate that I have to worry about shit like that. Those kind of experiences can diminish a girls spirit. Thank you to all of your comments yesterday by the way guys. I still can’t believe Ruby contacted me and shared my blog with her fans! Such lovely comments and support. I appreciate it so much. Every ounce of support I can get is soo awesome. I think this most doesn’t have much rhyme or reason. It’s just me talking out what’s in my head today. I am feeling really blah because of the weather it’s pouring here and thundering and lightening. So I leave you with this fab lyric from the Foo Fighters and the song itself.
Life imitated, it’s only faded.
Tired of waiting on you.
So many thoughts cross my mind every day. EVERY. MOMENT. This post is going to basically be a bunch of tweets. That’s what it seems like.
Why isn’t this weight coming off faster? Why am I such a food-o-holic? Why is Lauren Zicis’ character on Glee so poorly dressed? Like we plus size girls can actually pull it together. Dress her better. I really don’t like my job anymore. How much is this car going to cost to fix? Why do shitty things happen to good people? Whats it like to kiss again? it’s been oh three years since i did it last sober. Why does everything take so long? Why don’t I have more patience? Grey’s Anatomy’s best season was season TWO! I love to dance but I HATE dancing with guys. It’s basically dry humping and I don’t know you. I wish I didn’t have such an adverse reaction to alcohol like putting on a thousand pounds after drinking it because I could really use an escape tonight. I wish I could fast forward all this. I wish water pills didn’t make me pee a thousand times a day. Taking metformin makes my mouth taste like metal. I want you. I want you, like, bad.
I am a sucker for the WORST men. I get that I need to love myself before I love anyone else but it didn’t stop me and now I’m trying to convince myself everyday it wasn’t love just a tragic obsession like every other crush I have ever had.
Am I going to die alone? I want a tattoo in the crook of my thumb and forefinger that says patience because I literally have zero. I keep thinking the worst. STOP thinking the worst. I HATE Detroit. I am very thankful i don’t live there. i want a knife. i want a big knife. I want to sing in front of a crowd and not get all froggy.
I want people to hear me sing like I do when my house is empty. I need to finish my book. Am I a lost cause? Could that guy have been “the” one and I just wrote him off as a dude with no balls? Probably. Edema sucks.
I want to live in the WARMTH. I love a cute sweater. Will anyone ever identify me as anything other than that big girl? Will people stop mooing at me? Should I change my blog name? I really love guys with light eyes. I wish I looked more like Sara Ramirez. I wish I was more Spanish/Puerto Rican influenced like my mom she’s so beautiful. I need to practice my spanish for real. I wanna show a lot of people up. I wanna rub it in their face that I am better than them. I can be a hardcore bitch but i really mean no harm unless i hate you or suspect you of foul play. I think one of my friends screwed me over for months and is still lying to me but i have no proof so i try not to hold this insane grudge or point fingers . I squeeze my arms to feel better. I’m 23 but i’m more like 17. Is life passing me by? Will I ever get over myself? I wanna help kids with cancer. I want to be left a lone. I hate being alone for too long. I need a fucking facial. I want purple streaks. I want to meet Lady Gaga and see if she’s all bull shit. I like her though. I wish I could take voice lessons with Adele and Sara Ramirez. “I’m beautiful in my way because God makes no mistakes.” I hate mean opiniated people. I can be pretty opinionated but if I say them in a kind way- or I try. Broccoli tastes like a fart.
“I was born to survive.” How can any one say hold it against me is better than born this way? I just want to buy a prius and drive across the country. I need to get to bed. Love is love.