To fit in the in between.
Fiction and non
let’s make it real
To lust over the timeline
I’m the colors outside the lines
let’s pretend that I make sense
half the time i’m lost and so suppressed
suffocated and starved for the oxygen
oh to breathe
Let the judgement wash over me
let’s see if we can make it
I can’t imagine
I CAN’T fathom
perfectly at ease
without any their words to stall me
Striving for the best
hoping i can pass this test
I delight myself with dreams
for some eyes to look upon me without disgust
oh how nice
WHere do I fit?
Pulled apart by the insults and drama
Put together and never taken seriously
Ridiculed in secret
I lust for lust
and it’s just my luck my imagination’s vast
that’s the only way my ass will last
I don’t know what that was. It’s not anything normal. I just have so many thoughts going through my head at all times. It’s so focused on food, weight, food and weight. Fitting in. Looking good. It’s depressing to be focusing and stressing over that at all times. My minds consumed by it. I know my time is coming and once the surgery comes I WILL STILL be consumed by food just making sure I eat correctly, enough protein, and all that. I just feel so frazzled. I am so calling EAP (employee assistance program) just so I get my three free counselling sessions. Just so I can get some feedback from people who don’t know me.I want to make it so bad. I want to be able to just be at peace at being me. To feel right in my own skin. To not have the awkward gut that gets in the way. I am just not happy. I can’t enjoy theme parks. I gotta stay focused. Forget the sceisse.
So right now i’m bleaching my hair. I really, really want purple. I am using splat. I am just doing streaks because there isn’t enough for my hair in one box because of the thickness. I just love purple. My job doesn’t care about crazy colors so why not do it now while I can? I am almost 24 and it’s like people are like “you’re getting too old.” I personally will never think i’m getting too old for shit. The only timeline I will ever be concerned with is the having children thing just because of the health risks. I know I stress over the fact I have never had a relationship but I really believe that I have learned by absorbing all the relationships around me. I know what I want. And I don’t want it now. I have to focus on me. Once I am happy with myself and not concerned about whether or not he finds me attractive because I’ll already KNOW it. Feel me?
I really didn’t meant to do two posts in one day. I am just waiting for the BET awards to be finished so I can watch True Blood. In my room I don’t have HBO so I must wait until the down stairs tv is no longer occupied.
Today sucks because my mom is getting surgery correcting the hole in her cartlidge by her hip. It’s a noninvasive surgery so I am confident she’ll come out fine. The hole is apparently from a sports injury. I guess my mom should lay off the taebo kicks and cart wheels haha. Cross your fingers anyway- I just get nervous when people are under general anesthesia. I watch too much Grey’s Anatomy. Side note: That Grey’s Anatomy finale took my breath away! So I wrote a poem the other day and I just wanted to share it on here . It’s not super amazing and it’s a little disjointed but my blog my shit. Right? Right.
un Self actualized
When possibility is right in front of me I hesitate
Afraid that it’s not my fate
Unsure of the leap
the jumo into anothers arms
I’ve been hurt- I’m confused
I’ve been so abused
sometimes I want something so much
The fear is binding
It’s leaving me gasping for air
I’m crippled and blinded
Screaming “It’s not fair!”
An ocean of emotion
The waves of unconnected devotion
Make me over
I want to believe
I wish faith was something you could see
To reach it and grab it
that love was a bad habit
I fear for awkward silence
My head’ll implode
I don’t want my vulnerability to show
I’m on the mend but change is so damned slow
so yeah. that’s it. Maybe if I did a vlog reading it like spoken word it’ll sound better. Oh well!
So obviously this shit works. I have been going to the gym four – five times a week, eating good portions, and healthy foods. Plus, I keep in mind that people actually read my blog and are rooting for me so I have been doing it. On top of that, my motivation is looking better and feeling better. I wanna be a fine mamacita fo sho!
Readers, thanks for all your support. I mean it sincerely with all my heart. When I work out on the machines I watch it’s always sunny in philadelphia because its the greatest show on earth. Mostly due to this lil scene right herre
going through my old blog and found a poem I had written:
Destined for greatness so close I can taste it
even if the world is breaking my will won’t be forsaken
I say it but will I live it? My heart may rupture from the words right and maybe.
Contusions upon my head won’t enlighten.
I’d yield for you. I’d always yield for you. Your name? Uncertain. but I love you nonetheless.
My heart’d be yours if I could get over myself and this tragic mess.
I’d break in two to keep both sides busy and cover all my bases.
Society is making certain to erase us.
Force us into harsh realities so we can barely enjoy frivolities. Dreams. Hopes.
We linger in the smoke of the pipe dreams intoxicate ourselves with the fumes.
We are alone. Some more than others. I’m alone.
No more wasted youth for I spit on you I’ll find the time to rescue those who are in need.
I won’t end up back on the floor surrending my wrists to bleed. Not again.
We are so shallow. I am so shallow. I live in the basin of tears cried by my fellow peers.
The bitter bull shit and half truths. We all lie to ourselves. Will we make it? Will we perservere?
It’s funny. I can taste you. In my heart in my mind you’re there.
I won’t surrender. Hell or glory..
Well, it isn’t the worst poem I had written lol.
I decided that when I reach 25 pounds I’m going to get Hope tattooed on me… somewhere. I wanted another on my wrist but it’d look pretty stupid if I have a bandaid on both wrists. I have a small heart on my right wrist for wearing my heart on my sleeve.It’s small enough to be covered with a bandaid and no one would know the difference.