Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I had a moment of self pity the other day. Forgive me. I am human. More human than I want to be sometimes. I swear sometimes I get so involved in an idea I don’t think about what could really transpire if it happened. I have to just keep going and not wallow in self pity. The whole “it’s never going to happen for me” is really regressive and NOT what I’m trying to accomplish as i’m heading into a brand new year. Look at what I have already accomplished! I know I have a lot more to lose but as I’m starting to feel better about what I look like I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me and just get right with myself.
Why is that so hard for me sometimes? I really have to grow up. I just wish I could stop crushing on anyone until I’m at goal weight or something. Maybe then it’d be easier for me to get turned down. No, that’s wrong. It’ll be harder because in my minds eye i’m just going to be like wow I lost all this weight and I’m still getting turned down by everyone? That’s why I need to rally myself today and for the rest of my life. It isn’t always about weight. That is my hang up. I’m obsessed with the fact that i’m fat. Because that is my main insecurity I am just assuming the worst -I’m being vain. Maybe it’s not always about me. . It’s not going to go away overnight so I really need to start working with myself now to get it together. Focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. Sure, I’ve been treated badly in the past. Sure, I have been called awful things by guys I cared about, but that’s the past and this is now.

“Life’s too short for so much sorrow.”

(I am going to really miss American Horror Story.) There really is so much out there and Delaware is sickly small. Everyone knows everyone and maybe I just need to eventually meet someone brand new who doesn’t know a thing about my bull shit.
God, I love writing this out. It is so therapeutic. It’s really hard for me to voice what’s wrong with me. I have great friends but they’re involved with their own things and I don’t like to be a bother. Not that they’ll ever say i’m a bother because they’re awesome like that. The other thing is this struggle is very internal. No one can snap me out of this except for myself. People can spit out compliments about how fantastic I look but I have to feel it and see it for myself. Some days I do. I have my hang ups about my stomach (because I’m losing weight everywhere BUT my damn stomach) but I am starting to see my collar bones. I haven’t seen my collarbones since like my sophomore year in high school. If I keep focusing on these little things maybe I won’t be so hard on myself . Sucky thing about this week I’m working a lot so I don’t have time to train and exercise. I walked to work yesterday, that was a brisk 20 minute walk, I did Zumba on Monday, and Tuesday I tried to dance out my frustrations ala Footloose. (No, it wasn’t that cheesy. More like some serious jumping and random salsa moves. Very uncoordinated. It was fantastic. Today I work til five at my first job and then 6 to 11 at the mall. It’s going to be a long exhausting day. Maybe if I keep jiggling my legs as I ring up people I’ll burn more calories. TOmorrow I work until five but I HAVE too finish my christmas shopping. Saturday I work 8 am until 3 pm and I’m probably going to be too exhausted to do anything else., let alone finish my Christmas shopping. But since i’ll be at the mall already i will probably still shop. It is my shopaholics weakness. I love to buy even if its for others. Actually, especially others. Plus I’m dying to try out the product Fat Girl Slim that is supposedly a miracle worker. The reviews online at sephora.com are pretty positive so I want to try it. The cream is supposed to help tighten and get rid of cellulite. I’ll keep you posted!

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Just take it all with you. Don’t look back at this crumbling fool.

So this is what happens when you’re bored on a friday night:

Yes. That happened.

I have been feeling like POOP. This post might be TMI or whatever but this is me being honest again.

A lot of women who are heavy or heavier have issues with their periods. 60 pounds ago that was me. I was never regular. I never knew when it was coming and when it came it was never what a normal woman would get. It could be a few days of spotting or a month long trauma. I haven’t had it since the week of my surgery. That was three months ago. This week it came back with a vengeance. It’s all bitch, I’ma eff you up you’ve missed me for far too long. So here it is. FUCKING ME UP. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Leslie and Kelley know how I was crying thinking that I was never going to be attractive to anyone blah blah blah. Just a hot mess. Today is the day of  PAIN. My back hurts and I’m having horrific cramps. I am lucid in the emotional part right now. I have been wrapping presents all day for the tree to look less naked. I did dance central two for about an hour today. I read somewhere exercise helps when you feel this way. I don’t think it helped too much. 😦 I had to take a break from hunching on the floor wrapping because I was ACHING. Hopefully, this horrific pain will get better or maybe this is how it was before and I had forgotten? I’m getting on birth control asap. I want to be regular and less GAHH!

 

I am a bit broke from my x-mas shopping. I just wrapped what I bought and i’m thinking that’s it? Why is the pile so little?  I feel like I spent so much and got so little. I still have mad people to shop for. My mom, my sister Katie, my bro, and some friends. Good thing there are still two paychecks til Christmas. I love gift giving but damn is it not expensive.

I was supposed to hang with my friend Katie but when I called/texted no response. I’m not gonna sweat it. I’m not that person. I have other things to do today like finish this book Across the Universe by Beth Revis. It’s really good. I like sci fi sometimes and this is really interesting. So yeah. Sporadic post as per usual.

You gotta have faith

Sometimes I am filled with such self doubt. I don’t mean to be. But I am. I get the moments where I hate the sound of my own voice. Deep alto that’s mixed some kind of nasally grossness. I feel like talking in my “phone” voice the majority of the time so new people won’t hear my REAL voice. My alter ego at work I guess. It’s frustrating. Me and my sister both sound the same in this respect. The tone, i’m sure, I can’t update. The nasally sound? I’m going to my doctor December 30 for my physical and I’m gonig to bring it up. I want to get tested for allergies because I know there’s something wrong. I shouldn’t sound congested even when I’m not.

I hate the moments of self doubt because you can really only can count on yourself when times get really rough. I hate when I get like that.I get to the point where I’m just like are they making fun of me? Are they saying you look good, you sing well, you’ve lost a lot of weight because they pity me? It’s horrible to feel that way and I try very hard to NOT be that way. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy. I preach to everyone to believe in themselves. I always say if you don’t like something change it. Don’t wallow. I am trying to hard to be that woman and as I get older those insecure days are getting few and far between. I want them off my calender completely. I shouldn’t feel like my own friends are just being nice! I need to remind myself that i’m frickin’ awesome. I should NOT gage myself on gentlemen callers . (heh that always makes me LOL). I should gage myself on how I feel. How I’m doing. It’s getting easier, like I said. I look at what’s happened to me lately (losing my phone aside) and a lot of good has come about. I have gotten healthier, I have started to become more responsible with my bills, and i’ve procured this second job on my own. Sephora isn’t easy to get into either so I should definitely be proud. Only I and another girl were hired in a set of group interviews they did. I am fortunate. I need to stop doubting myself. I am not at goal weight yet at all but I am at a great start. I should believe people when they compliment me. I should have faith in myself. So this entry is my own kick in the ass to stop OWRRYING about other people and focus on how I feel. The rest of it will fall into place. Meeting someone will come into place. I gotta keep the faith.

 

&&now my heart stumbles on things i don’t know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.

It is so easy for me to feel vulnerable. It is way too easy. I feel so much for way too many. I feel bad for those who are good people and bad things happen to them. I also am afraid of feeling vulnerable. It’ is so easy for me to feel that way that I try to keep a lot with in me. I feel afraid of giving my heart away to anyone so I never tell anyone how I feel. I am a chicken shit. I think I really need to speak to someone about my fear of rejection and being dejected. It’s not like people make me feel that way. Not anyone I’ve run into recently anyway. Everyone is really happy for me an d my accomplishments. But to lose weight and keep losing weight is only half the battle. I have to feel right within. Speaking to friends about this is helpful, yes, but I think it’s easier for me to speak to an outsider. One that doesn’t know everything about me and hears everything straight from my mouth and not WORD of mouth. I need help reaching my goals. I want to do so many things while I am still not attached to any where. I have no children to worry about it’s just me. I don’t want insecurities or vulnerability to hold me back. I also don’t want to fall on to old habits when I feel these negative emotions. Especially the bad habit OF OVER EATING. I WISH I had that eating disorder controlled before. I may have had the surgery but I am perfectly capable of going back to that indulging lifestyle. and all my hard work would be for naught. So to be proactive I am going to find a therapist. Reading Portia De Rossi’s book really helped me see that I need to get help before I lose it (again). I wish people recognized the eating disorder that is overeating/binge eating more than a joke. Because I was really overeating because I am mentally sick. Or was mentally sick. Not sure which way to put it other than I am a hell of a lot happier now than I was a year ago. I made the right life style choice and I am going to keep making the right choices so I don’t go back to what I was. I have my goals and I am super focused because I have a lot to gain by losing a lot. This is why I’m changing the tag line of my blog. It’s not going to be psh i’m a head of their game because its not about making a statement that I am a faat woman so people you don’t have to make fun of me I already know. It’s abotu self awareness and getting to my goals. This is what this blog is REALLY about now. It’s about self persevation. It’s about fighting for my life and being a better me. No one will hold me back otherwise I will cut them out of my life. So this is my new tagline:
She’s got a lot to gain and a lot to lose.

Let’s hear for America’s Sweethearts… I must confess I’m in love with my own sins(not really)

When you say good bye to anyone it can be hard. Endings… sometimes can be so difficult. Maybe I knew it was around me all along. Some people I considered family just not willing to put the effort into giving a shit about me. I am one of those people who likes to hold people near and dear to me. A lot of the time it can be the wrong people. Why is it so hard for me to END IT? Why do I harbor on the past and the good ol’ days. Why can’T I face facts that some people are toxic. There have been many circumstances where i’ve been left to dry yet some people will circle around the very few instances that i’ve messed up or had other obligations. I wish I could be an asshole and just point out every bull shit thing they’ve done wrong and may be people could take a good hard look at themselves. Yeah, I admit every fuck up I have ever done. When I was 20? I had too much to drink at a person I knows apartment. I had taken it upon myself to drive and I was not able to drive. I was well impaired blowing a .12 after I wrecked my car. I admit that to be the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I could have killed someone and I have learned from the mistake.
You wanna know what else I’ve done in my life? I have experimented with drugs. Was it the hard stuff? Nah, and those days are wayyy behind me.
I have apparently kissed a guy that had a girlfriend by accident because I was drunk and he didn’t stop me. I have stolen before when I was a kid. But that’s pretty much all i have ever really done truly terrible in my life. I have never been in a committed relationship and cheated on anyone. I have lied before but who hasn’t? I have learned that I am not a terrible person but I have done shitty things but I am not a bad person. I don’t do these things consistently and there is nothing I have done in the past year that I ashamed of except gain a bunch of weight.
I have had these sick feelings that there are people I know who do not want to be seen out and about with me. I really think that I have people like that in my life. Or they’re trying to escape my life. Whatever. I have voiced my thoughts to them aloud and they have refused to respond. So I’m saying good bye to them. It hurts me to do this but why keep trying when they never try back? I say adieu to those who are ashamed of what I look like. TO the ones who are sticking with me pre op and post op. You’re the ones I trust. The rest? I bid adieu like I say.

if i could open my arms and span the length of the isle of manhattan i’d bring it to where you are

I think you guys think I am totally contradictory. I guess I am. Or I am a ever changing female changing to suit my own happiness. Go figure. A lot of people are doing that thing were they analyze me because they think they know me. But… I am a mess of different things. I have so many different kinds of friends with different interests becausse I hate doing the same thing every day. I change my mind a lot but then I am also kind of stubburn. Does that make sense? I am a woman indecisive tendencies but then again I usually stick to my guns. I think a lot of people think I am one picky bitch because I usually don’t like the men that like me. I just know what I like. I am not interested in uber awkwardness of the third kind by dating someone who has no balls. Or the kind of balls that is the cheesiest among cheesiest. Am I hard on men? Maybe. I just go by the examples around me. My pops is a great husband and provider. He treats my mommdukes like a queen. He takes her out every weekend and blatantly loves her. I have also seen how men can cheat. Cheat so bad that I am scared that 85% of men cheat and I will NEVER tolerate for that. (It is NOT my father who has cheated. He has never done that.) I am a very strong woman in that sense. I have gone 23 years without a man in my life and if I can’t get a faithful one I would say adios faster than the speed of light. Women deserve better than that. As well as men with hardcore issues such as abusive behaviors. Mind ninjas and physical abusers as well as drug and alcohol abusers. I would never tolerate for that. I am not that kind of girl either. So, I am wary. I may bitch and moan about how I want a guy… But in all reality… I don’t want just a guy. I want a great guy. A guy I can laugh with. The one I can be a total spazz in front of and he would never look down on me for that. So while I appreciate a compliment from a guy that are all like “You’re beautiful…” I take it with a grain of salt. I know men have ulterior motives. I have learned from the best that a lot of guys want that ass and only that ass. I am not having none of that. So, I’ll keep working on my confidence and body so I can get to my own level of self happiness. If the right guy comes a long I won’t turn him away. Accepting applications but not hiring. HA! If I’d be honest with myself I am really waiting for HIM but… I know I am not what he wants. I am not talking about Miguel btw. I am over that. SO over that. We’re friends but I have no romantic notions. I swear. But the guy that i am talking about I wish a million wishes but it’s okay. He isn’t attracted to me the same way I am not attracted to certain guys. Whether its my weight or not… I speculate but I am not pointing fingers. It could very well be that but it could also be that because my confidence level fails in certain ways and that makes me even more unattractive. But the thing of it is I haven’t always been this big but I was never small. My freshman and sophomore year I was thick in all the right places but still too thick for the boys of that age circa 2002. So anyway. I am growing up and life is not passing me by. I may be single and I’d bitch and moan but really… I just know what I want. I go out and have fun and I don’t do it by sleeping around with any dude that says hey. I think that’s saying something. Right?

a true fattie asking should SHE get a room?

SO I have been mulling over the words penned(or should I say typed) on MARIE CLAIRE’s website. As a certified fat chick and a watcher of Mike & Molly I was very upset to read those words. You could feel the hate and pure disgust coming from the writers fingertips. Read the article. I’ll wait.

Fucked up, yes? Now, I have said this before that I don’t think being obese is awesome. Not at all. I have beeing doing Weight Watchers off and on all this year. I want nothing more than to be a healthy weight. Seriously. But… she doesn’t get it. Being overweight is a struggle. I don’t want to be fa. I don’t want to have the slowest metabolism on the planet. I don’t want to look at my skinny friends with down right envy. I don’t want to have to shop for sizes most PLUS size don’t even carry. For this writer to just beat up on fat people like that is… inhumane. The characters on the show are trying to lose weight! They go to over eaters anonymous because HELLO over eating is an addiction. The “skinnies” can say what they want about that but until you’ve been inside the mind of a fatty you don’t know shit so keep your mouth shut. It is so easy to gain weight. I swear to you I can gain weight drinking a glass of water. To lose weight is a struggle and a HALF! For this woman to write about it like it’s some simple snap of the fingers is stupid. So fucking ignorant.

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

So. If you see a girl like me… lets say WALKING because I am trying to lose weight you would be disgusted? It goes back to a post I had written awhile ago… I am not happy with my size. Shit most fat people… aren’t happy. Maybe thats why they are the way they are? Half of my reasons for overeating stems from major bullying and HELLO!!!! That article was an attack! I am not allowed to make out with a guy huh? Keep it to myself because of my rolls of rolls of fat. So mean. A fat person feels enough scrutiny and to have an article like that written about “fatties” is so demeaning. The apology her editor made her write doesn’t erase the words she has written and obviously is her Gods honest opinion. She thinks that forrealsies. I refuse to be depressed over it any longer though. I am making steps but people who aren’t over weight really need to realize yes we fucked up but our personal issues for being fat and making us over eat or even our genetic make up is a serious issue. Lucky I am not seventeen again I would be cutting little cuts in my ankle over this shit.

**edit **
due to a recent comment I guess I should clarify myself… and this blog. My thoughts are not to upset or make people become totally unconfortable. Yes, I can be a bit of a Luna Lovegood when it comes to my obvious insecurities but when I say most big/fat people I mean the most I know especially including myself because thisis kinda my public diary. I know there are different and secure and perfectly happy healthy big fat people half the time I am talking about the miserable ones like me. I am a bit cynical because of the shoes I have walked in but… I guess I should say if I offend you or make you uncomfortable it is not my intention nor is it to offend the happy cfc and cfd(certified fat dudes) so if you feel strongly about my blog and is offensiveness I must suggest not reading it because the last thing I want is to impose my negativity unto you .