I wish that I could quiet myself. Make my mind stay dormant for just a little longer. Instead I’m up at 2 am wishing I could sleep but instead I’m writing this. Hopefully the out pouring of these sick emotions would shut me up and allow me to sleep.
There is something about Florence and the machine. Her voice is just so… other worldly. Like if I listen to her for too long her voice can be grating but there are moments, like now, when it just makes sense. I can’t pin point my exact feelings right now. It’s a mix of regret and hope. I regret the stupid shit I have done to make me the person I am today. This complete mess that isn’t charming in the least. You know in rom coms? The girl who is a total spazzoid that’s clumsy and scatterbrained but ends up with the main dude anyway? Yeah, that is me sans dude.
I just want so much and nothing at the same time. I wish I wasn’t such a stupid female sometimes. Wanting things you don’t need, ya feel me? I know my future relies on me. The year of make shit happen is in affect but I’m still brutal to myself. I have been so tempted to cut off my stomach its ridiculous. I wish that could happen now but I have to wait 100 more pounds down for any plastic surgeon to take me seriously. I know the stomach is the last thing to go but mine is so gelatinous. So… jabba the hut it’s seriously ruining all of my outfits.
Take tonight for example: I am finally comfortable enough to wear leggings and like a long shirt. I wear it but all I see is my rotund middle. I go to the bathroom tonight and I just felt like crying. But I persevere. I do. I really have come very far. I just thought all these stupid emotional dumb ass feelings would be donezo. I thought I wouldn’t feel this way. I also thought after losing 100 pounds i’d be miss hot stuff. Silly me forgot that when I started this process I had 200 to lose. I’m halfway there.
People relate to my plight but were you guys ever 412 pounds? Did you ever get looked at you were a fucking slug on the side walk and blatantly toyed with because it was fun to fuck with the fat chick? Those moments are hard to put away. They’re going away slowly but I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurt by people I thought I could trust, I’ve been abandoned, and I’ve been severely mistreated. Some of those people I still allow to be in my life. Isn’t that stupid? Isn’t that silly? My hearts too big. I think I should be more callused and more of a bitch. I wouldn’t write blog posts like this and I probably would’t listen to “never let me go” 4 times in a row too.
“I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in.”
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Validation? Revenge? I think revenge is what I’m most thirsty for. I want to feel hot and show it to those that have talked the most shit. I hate being that person but I think it goes with being human.
The night is the hardest for me. When all my lonely, self doubting, and assuming the worst kinda thoughts come forefront.
“now when i caught myself I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought… now I don’t know what I want.”
Small Update. I had training last night with my physical trainer and he mentioned that I looked like I lost since last Thursday. I was a little apprehensive about stepping on the scale since last visit but I said what hell. Let’s do it. So I got on the scale and I was pleasantly surprised to ssee that I lost another 4 pounds. I am now at 82 pounds lost with just 18 pounds to go until I reach 100 pounds down. I wish I could lose it by the end of the year just so i can say in 2011 I LOST one hundred pounds but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t. I am not in a contest. I am doing this for me. I’m not losing weight to impress anyone but myself (although I do love the support and accolades.) I like that I’m doing it to make myself feel better- that i’m not doing it to impress any men. I have been reconsidering my intial thought of the men that nknew me 82 pounds ago. Like if all of the sudden they magically want to date me after I lose a whole bunch of weight should I automactically write them off as shallow? I really am the same person but I will say I am a lot happier to be around and I feel more hopeful than ever before that things are going to really be okay. Should I take that into account? I guess it all depends on the guy. I can’t dictate who I fall for (lord. knows. that’s. true.) but I’m so lost on all this. I guess if the situation comes up I’ll play it by ear. just random thoughts keep popping up in my head. It’s a little personal and while I am very open and honest some things I just can’t share. Like matters of the heart and its fragile state. Well, okay, i’ll say it. My heart is very fragile and I just don’t know if any one is capable to be responsible for it. I wish someone would step up though, i’ll say that. I’m willing to try. I really am. Is any one else?
I am afraid something is happening to my gallbladder. I really don’t want to lose it because of the recovery time of the surgery. I JUST had the gastric sleeve I can’t go out of work again. Not this fast! I recently got my prescription for the ursoforte which is supposed to save my gallbladder or whatever but there is not guarantee. I just got the script yesterday because it was like 140 bucks. Don’t ask me why. It must be a tier 3 drug or something. That was the co pay. So I am starting the meds today and It’s supposedly really hard to take and i’m not excited about it. The reason why i’m scared something is happening to my gallbladder is I’m having odd sensations in my abdomen especially the top right. It just feels like OILY if that makes any sense. Like when you eat something greasy? Kinda like that but at weird times like when I haven’t eaten anything in a long time. This could also be that I’m a sloucher. I am trying hard not to be one but there always has been something wrong with the way my hips are aligned. One sides slightly raised. I was told losing weight would correct this when I was a teen so I ended up just gaining a bunch of weight and fucking myself up instead. As i’m losing the weight I am trying to sit straighter at work but I end up slouching at home on the computer without thinking. I don’t want to become hunch backed so I am trying to sit straighter. So maybe my pain is from slouching? I don’t know I just hope I don’t lose my gallbladder. I know you may not need it but I can’t afford to not work right now. Maybe in two years I could lose it, okay? Okay.
Frou Frou has just come on my Pandora. I like them but when i listen to them I always feel like I should be in a kitchen full of stainless steel or something.Very clean lines. Don’t ask lol.
It’s a cloudy Sunday morning and the Eagles play at one. I was pleased with them like once this whole season so I was thinking of saving my heart today by ditching the game and going to run errands instead of waiting til after the game. But a true fan will watch so I guess I’ll watch. Philadelphia sports fan. Gotta love us. Or really, really, really hate us.
I’m not 14 anymore. I am 24. Twenty mother effing four.
It’s so weird. I am not old, but I am not a child.
I get so mad at myself sometimes that I wasted a good part of my youth with poor life style choices. I must say that I have a lot good going for me, now, but I get so scared that if I work so hard toward my goal no one will take notice. That they’ll still see me as fat. ‘They’ as in men. As you all know I have been single all of my life. I have never dated anyone. It’s getting so difficult as I get older. The places you go out to like bars and shit… would you want to even attempt to give one of those guys your number?
As for mutual friends what if you act interested and they’re all hell to the nah and you have to run into the dude again? I know such is life but I struggle with even the smallest interaction in a single guy i’m interested in. All that runs through my mind is the no that I will most likely hear. I have heard so many nos. Whether they’ve said it to me directly or to a mutual friend.
Now, I KNOW I need to keep my attitude positive because who wants to date some one who is a mother fucking rain cloud? I am not THIS way in person. Far from it. But this is my blog, my diary, and I have to say I feel so damn awkward! I am learning more about myself everyday and I am starting to think I am a fun, awesome, FUNNY individual. Why wouldn’t people want me? I know these things yet, when it comes right down to it, and HE’S in my face I am just like. Nope. Don’t go there. Shit will get too real and too screwed up. I preach positivity yet I get so caught up in my emotions and the past. Guys were cruel as HELL in high school. SO cruel. Half the time now they’re just trying to play. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t made to be so PASSIONATE. SO romantic. I know life’s no fairy tale but where did those stories come from?
I forgot to add this poem I wrote:
Be still my fluttering heart
Quiet the frayed nerves
shooting off electrical jolts to my limbs
not winning any one over with my sweet smile
Shut me down once more
Place me in a dusty corner
someone reach out their hand
show this shelved doll some attention
Hope for the hopeless
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Lost and alone
Charming without the dazzle
Dazzling with out the charm
let’s ‘figure’ out what’s missing
Insipid ones do it best
with one simpering glance they get their chance
We don’t want to be bitter but rather be sweet
Let’s work on being that savory treat
Soo I haven’t BLOGGED blogged in forrrrevverrrr. Well amazing things have occurred and things I have meant to talk about have been two weeks past. The meeting of my epic two Bs from my B3K. Brandi and Britney! here are some photos:
The four of us together late night swimming!
Brit, Brandi, Me, Brandyyy b3k
There were tons more but its like… I would post em all here but I can always just add you on fb if you’re that awesome and you can see the rest. lol
They were amazing and meeting them in the flesh after talking blog to blog twitter to twitter text to text is amazing. You really can find amazing people you can connect with via internet and I am so thankful I know them and consider them my close friends.
This weekend, in the 104 degree heat, I saw paramore, tegan and sara, new found glory, and kadawatha. Amazing epic music! Venue sucked balls because it was seats(seats at a rock show? wtf!) and a bunch of lil tweens who had no idea they were in the presence of musical greatness. Me and my friend Morgan were being creeptastic getting there madd early hoping to see Hayley but we did see one of the guys of the band and said hi! It was soo hot I spent like a million dollars on drinks that would have cost prob ten instead if 50. Not pleased about the fair prices I paid but… I couldn’t be dehydrated! But back to the amazing music. Seeing NFG back in action was awesome. They were superb and the kids didn’t know who the hell they were but I did! I was jamming to katalyst. I loved it! Then Tegan and Sara was up there and I was one of the ten people that stood and sang ever effing lyric to all my fave songs. They knew I was a true fan and that is all that damn well matters!
Paramore was awesome Hayley has a set of pipes you won’t believe. Here are some flix crappy quality but it was my cell what can you do…
Honda Civic car
God it was sooo amazing!
there were some more but others were crappier than the rest hahaha. I wanna see them again with my friend Amber! She’s an awesome concert buddy and she hasn’t seen them live. If only the tix to see them werent on a week day. The show starts at 6:30 and I get done work at six!
So that was the fantasticalness of my past two weeks. I was in the presence of musical greatness this weekend and I am thirsty for another show! I am never ever sated.HAHA.
Personal life? I have amazing friends- no boyfriends or love interests in the least. I am starting to think its more than okay. The drama that happened when coulda shoulda woulda was popping along was enough to last me a long time. I have found myself being way more mature than most and thank ful I am sooo thoughtful in the sense of every BIG picture. I am not a planner but I am a person that can foresee tragedy in most men. Like if I had dated this one guy that liked me years ago I could be talking to his stupid ass through the prison phone, or this other guy who is I am sure on drugs, and this other guy that has no problem cheating on his girl. I pride myself in having this radar on the bull shit. If it means that I’ll be alone for awhile thats cool. Why be hurt or left in some lame situation where I can’t follow my dreams? Dead end relationships that I don’t need to be in. I don’t want a guy that’s a fixer upper nor a man with absolutely no ambition. Okay your satisfying making a dollar over minimum wage? Peace out! I want the moon stars and I want a guy who wants the sun so we’d have the whole sky together. How fab would that be? Call me a picky bitch but thats finer than fine. I’d rather be picky then worry about a dude cheating on me or leaving me high and dry kay thanks. I have seen it all and I am very knowledgeable in dead end relationships.
I also need to stop being so friggin nice and maybe holding my tongue less and letting out my rage instead of letting the evil thoughts fester. Tallying up each bull shit thing you do and letting it tip over until my anger makes me do the craziest things. That and write you off. Maybe some people are worth writing off though and I am totally okay with making that happen. Why have people drag me down because they want to be dead weights? I am thankful for my circle I got and the people who are there for me and really listen to what I say. A person I know just asked me a week ago hows the job search going? Um I know I screamed from the roof tops two months ago I got a new fab job. Where were you? Up your own ass. I may be a great psychiatrist and maybe that should be my profession but it is allll about give and take. I know my toya must be tired of my outbursts sometimes but her and this blog? They are basicaly my only ears. I may make snide ass comments on my statuses or in person but they are skated over like my thoughts aren’t worth the time. So snip snip to those. I do not even give a damn. I’ll make it. Hell, I am doing it.
When you bask in old memories some things sock you in the face. Like seeing old pictures and wondering what the hell happened to you? I wish that I hadn’t let myself go and I wish I haven’t fallen off the weight watchers/going to the gym wagon. I had been doing well. I think I will get back on it but just do it<a href=”http://allkryedout.tumblr.com/”> on my own. I really don’t feel like spending the extra forty bucks a month for WW. I think it’d be better just to pay off the gym crap and get back to going to that. It’s just hard to get there because my parents are adament on me not driving. It would have to be either before or after work to work out and it’s just a p.i.t.a thing to get there. It’s not like I can work out at my house because it’s just too little with seven people. I don’t even have privacy in my room. I share it.
It’s been difficult posting blogs because I work full time now and without constant access to a computer it is difficult to actually make substantial posts other than some tweets, tumblr (http://allkryedout.tumblr.com/), and facebook. This is even a quick one because I am lacking in privacy at the moment so I can’t get into juicyness of anything.
I will say it was amazing meeting my internet best friends in the flesh. They’re not serial killers and they’re amazing. We got along so damned well. Pictures, video and details next post. I promise.