A smile’s not a smile if you fake it

Before reading this post take less than four minutes to watch this:

Amazing, yes? That’s Katie Dill. She’s a local artist here in Delaware. She’s part of the group Mean Lady and Diego Paulo. I love how effortless her voice is. I am jamming to her for this post because I wanted to discuss music this post!

This week is full of yes! Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see the Goo Goo Dolls at the Opera house in Wilmington ( I didn’t even know such a place existed) and Friday all of my sisters and I are going to see MIGUEL at the University of Delaware.Don’t know Miguel? Here’s my favorite song of his:

oh and this one:

I like some freaky music sometimes haha.
I love all kinds of music (not so much country or screaming) but I love it most live. I am so excited to take my baby sisters to the Miguel concert because it will be their first concert. My first concert was the Backstreet Boys at 12. They’ll have a better my first concert story (although they did go to Live 8 when they were younger. I don’t count this because we were a million miles away.)My first REAL concert/show was the Starting Line at Kahunaville in Wilimington. I was just sixteen and it was FANTASTIC. Oh the good old days of fighting two broads for a drumstick then getting it signed from Kenny the front man! Quickly after the Starting Line I saw Fall Out Boy.I think you’ve all heard my black eye story from that show. I think everyone needs to experience live music whether it be local or main stream. Theres a really good local music scene here in Delaware believe it or not .But my favorite lately is Mean Lady. Most importantly Katie Dill as the video showed you above she’s a tremendous talent. I think it’s so important to see some live music however you can. Peep your local music scene and take in the bars or open mic nights. When I was in high school I was into “Emo” music. I still like them for what they helped me with in high school. Fall Out Boy is still a favorite of mine because I think their lyrics were awesome as hell and Patrick Stump can sing his little ass off. I’ve totally mentioned this before.

sell me out – the joke’s on you
we are salt – you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I’m the kind of kid
that can’t let anything go
but you wouldn’t know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

I was a pretty Emo teen. A pretty emo adult. πŸ™‚ I think because of my emotional blahs I fell into real love with The Beatles. My romance starved heart fell heavy for “I wanna hold your hand” and “Eight Days A Week.” I’m basically a pop/rock/indie girl.
An idea of my weirdness of musical tastes here are my pandora radio stations:
Amy Winehouse
Every Avenue
Fall Out Boy
Florence +The Machine
Foo Fighters
Foster The People
Good Vibrations (as in Mark Wahlberg hmm, kay?)
Jimmy Eat World
Nikki and Rich
Nikki Minaj
Paper Bag (Fiona Apple)
Patrick Stump
Pop Champagne
Sweet Disposition (temper trap)
Swing Life Away (Rise Against)
Tegan And Sara
The Beatles
The Goo Goo Dolls
The XX
Tony Dize (for some latin flavor)
V.V. Brown
Vampire Weekend

Some artists are unnecessary since they pop up on aforementioned stations already but I made a station for them anyway. I do like other artists of course but like I said they pop up so often on the other listed stations I don’t feel a need to make a station for them like death cab for cutie or even Dave Mathews. It just pops up. I just love love LOVE music. Some of my music is hated (fall out boy, panic!, goo goo dolls…) but I really like music I can relate to. Yes, I can relate to Sexy and I know it haha! “I work out!” lol In all seriousness check out Katie Dill/Mean Lady on youtube she’s awesome.
Another one of my long posts πŸ™‚

give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction

I have made it to the one week before surgery mark. I have been pouring over message boards and blogs about the surgery just so I can get a general idea of how its going to be and more. And it seems like everyone is unanimous that that the gas pains suck. The gas pains come from when they fill your abdomen with air to- what I assume is- to see better as they slice and dice you. I am not looking forward to that heart attack feeling. I promise to make myself walk a lot to help with that feeling. I don’t want to be super panicky. I became teary this morning reading Jenn’s account OF THE DAY OF AND THE DAY AFTER SURGERY. that’s GOING TO BE ME!. I just know this is what I want to do. I have tried and failed miserably at every diet known to man. I had an anonymous poster call me a whiny fat person who is taking the easy way out to get surgery. That’s pretty hilarious to me since getting 85% of my stomach out is super easy. Since the possibility of dying from blood clot is really just so friggin’ safe and easy. Please. I, for the rest of my life, have to drink protein shakes, eat less than palm sized portions, take oodles of vitamins and soda and skimp on alcohol for the rest of my life. I have to watch everything I eat for the REST OF MY LIFE. That’s really the easy way out. This weight is not going to simply FALL off. Its not. I have to worry about losing my hair and having bone loss and everything. Thanks dude for doing your research. I think the easy way out is not doing anything. I think the easy way out is giving up after I have miserably failed at all diet and gaining the weight until I die of a heart attack. I was already diagnosed to mild diabetes A WEEK BEFORE SURGERY. Seriously? Fuck yourself dude. I know I shouldn’t get hot over an anonymous poster, but that poster represents a group of people who actually believe that getting serious bariatric surgery is the easy way out. I hardly believe that a procedure, that means I have to wear a medical id bracelet for the rest of my life, is going to be the “easy way out.” (Yes, I know that sentence was not grammatically correct. I never went to real college. Sue me. ) I will close this post by saying thanks for my supporters. You mean the world to me.

are you worth your weight in gold cause you’re behind my eye lids when i’m all alone

I don’t know how many of my friends watch the show Ruby on style but I feel like she’s my soul sister. She has struggled with weight as well and still does. She’s been a larger weight than me but right now she’s about my size. This is a quote from the website that really describes Ruby and hits home for me too:

Ruby is an amazing woman trying to lose hundreds of pounds without surgery, miracle diets or shortcuts. Just one personβ€”mind, body and soulβ€”in the fight to save her life.

I watched an episode today and she described my plight in a way that was soo painful for me because it rang so true. So effing true.
I’m crying as I type this because she got all dolled up for this “date” with this really cute guy. She wasn’t sure if he liked her as more than friends or was the date just a friends thing.
Guess what he said?
You guessed it. He used the F word and not the fun one ya know what i’m saying? I wish I could find a link to her little confessional after he said he wanted this to lean more towards the friendly side. She said something along the lines of how she never wants to feel like she is getting closer to a guy because it always turns out he just wants to be friends because of the weight.
My plight, yes?
I feel like, at this point in my life, that i’ll be alone for probably at least a year. A year to get healthier so I feel good about myself. Maybe this is self depreciating but I have witnessed and so has Ruby. I think (and Ruby said this too) that people really have to be in our shoes to know what its like. TO feel the eyes. Now Ruby was once 800 pounds and I am not near that but I still connect with her level of uneasiness towards dating men. I hate the fact that I like guys and I’m always scared to death to say the words because I am always shut down. Always. And if something DOES happen its all bull shit no substance. ALL BULL SHIT NO SUBSTANCE. I hate that I am always harping on this but at 23 I feel like I am missing on the biggest part of life. Real love. Real honest to God love. I don’t want a guy that has a girl at home. I want a real honest to God good guy that has some balls to be with a bigger woman. Someone who looks past the weight. May be if a guy steps up I won’t feel like I don’t deserve the love because of what I look like. I know I start this paragraph that I’ll be alone for a year but lets get real I have been alone all my life. I want something of substance other than food to fill my loneliness.

let’s kill tonight

Let’s me tell you something about myself. I am not the kind of girl that lets her size get i n the way of my good time. I know right now I am a big person. But I do in fact let myself to go to clubs and dress FIERCE for my body. I do. I may not be able to rock 4 inch heels but I wear awesome flats. My make up is usually FLAWLESS. My hair? Depends on the humidity but I have mastered the cute formal bun. OH yes and now I have bangs:

So that’s how I do it. My whole point in this blog is I do it. I get myself gussied and I get myself out there. Judgments and all and best believe there are judgments. Sometimes I allow myself to get discouraged by those things but for the most part my large ass is POPPIN. It’s great exercise. BUT my point to this point I guess is the fact that I won a party tonight. Its free admission for my friends and open bar for two hours and I am in the process of getting ready SO I thought I’d post this.
I may be psyching myself up or whatever but this isn’t my first rodeo in the land of the night clubs as a plus size woman shit I’ve been to raves. PLUS any asshole that does step to me needs to fall back because I will be with plenty of friends to defend my honor. But I am vowing to myself right now if an asshole DOES step to me for NO reason but to be a dick about my weight I will have to cause a scene because it’s just not right. Why do people have such problems with their own images they have to make shit harder for the ones struggling? It’s not cool. Some people deserve their own shit to wallow it. I wish the worst for those who have screwed me or will screw with me. I do. I desperately want every person who has wronged me to have the same done unto them. I do. That may not make me the better person but you know what? I don’t care. Some people deserve the worst and I wish unto them. So with that… I have to finish getting gussied