Action Needs an Audience

I make shit happen. I make it happen. I know there are not all aspects in my life that are in order but I have made tremendous steps to get myself in the right direction. Save my life by getting bariatric surgery? Check. Follow the rules and lose 83 pounds? Absolutely. Lose 100 more and be the healthiest weight I’ve been in since I was 13? It’ll happen this year. BECAUSE I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. I will not be a victim anymore. I am going to find my strength. I am going to find the woman thats in there and so help any one that stands in my way. I am very serious. No more negativity. I am so over it. It’s SO 2011. I will not wallow in past pain but use the pain, the rejection, the abuse as a catalyst for change. Forget guys and focus on ME. I will be mildly selfish. I will get it done. I will get a car by March. I wil have my debts paid off by my birthday. I will get my ass in gear to love myself so whole heartedly that I’ll need to get a room. Okay, that was weird. But seriously instead of focusing so much on the fact that I am alone I should focus on just getting hot for myself. Feeling sexy and owning the hell out of it. I won’t ever be a size under 9/10, nor do I want to be, but to own the healthy weight I am supposed to be and enjoy the ever living shit out of it. I have 17 pounds to go before I am finally at my first 100 pounds lost. Why will I let some DUDE define me as a woman? Just because they don’t want ME doesn’t make my accomplishments any less amazing. I am a beautiful woman whether the guys I like think so or not. I probably am not their cup of tea and that really is okay. It has to be okay because there HAS to be someone out there that will compliment my craziness and find me beautiful no matter what weight I am. That is a true man. So what if I haven’t met anyone bold enough, brave enough, MAN enough… and maybe I haven’t been ready for whatHAS come my way. I will be. I am being no nonesense and you’re either with it or you’re not. I have been working on my stronger self since April of this year when I decided to get my ass in gear to lose the weight. Let me continue my pursuit of happiness as I head into 2012. Let me raise my head high and be proud. Take all the compliments in stride and KNOW they’re right. Can you believe I answer some compliments with ” yeah, but I have so much more to lose?” Ridiculousness.That will stop. I’m not saying I am going to be cocky I am just going to start giving myself some freaking credit. I will stop being so hard on myself. I will continue to work hard on bettering myself as a whole person and take risks and not look back at shoulda coulda woulda. Are you with me?

New years eve= blast

seriously this explains it all. I’m glad i see in that video how fucking huge i’ve gotten. It is soo crazy I have never, I mean NEVER, seen myself like that and thats how people see me? I’m a fucking jabba the hut mixed with the puffy ghost from ghostbusters.

see the similarities from the video?
But in the morning I’m heading to weight watchers. I’m signing up. I don’t wanna live looking like that. Who the fuck wants to date THAT?? 9:30 am. I’m more scared to find out actually how much I weigh. 360? 380? No scale in my house goes above 300 😦 with all this bull shit valentines day stuff I wanna be loved! I want love and I wanna be loved. But if anyone loves me at this size there’s obviously something wrong with them. I am a disaster. A big. Fat. Disaster. So new year new start. Please help me with lots and lots of support. I need it. Every monday I vow to show my points card with a pic of my weight and it’ll keep me in check. 20 pounds, at least, by valentines day.

&& the worst part is before its get any better we’re headed for a cliff

It’s been a low week. My christmas was very short due to my working at 3:30 pm until 11:30. Then, on Sunday, my dog Hershey ran away. There’s been issues with that damn dog. He just loves to run!

I can’t call the spca because my lame ass neighbor had previously called them and they said if he runs out again we have to pay a 500 dollar fine. We don’t have 500 bucks. I sure as hell don’t have it. I make like 160 a week and i got my phone bill and some other expenses like this 340 xray bill i haven’t paid since april and they’re calling me now.. YIKES It’s terrible. So I hope a family found him and see my ad on craigs list. I’m devastated. Even though he was a pain in the ass that was my favorite dog. He was my bear. My Hershman. But he got out of the fenced in yard because some nimrod left the gate partially ajar. It’s Wednesday now so my hope is minimal for his return. It’s not only this. I think because of my working overnight I have started to feel really depressed lately. Like I’m sleeping my life away and missing everything. That && not having a car! I missed my friend’s 21st birthday last night bc of it. I wonder if they even missed me. I’ve known her since I was 12, we were next door neighbors for like 8 years, and she’s one of the beautiful people if you catch my drift. But she’s real. All the trouble I’ve ever gotten into was with her haha. See, my low feelings? The only thing I’m excited for is New Years eve. Originally, I was supposed to work overnight that night! Ring in new years at Pathmark? GTFOH! What I ended up doing was writing a letter to my supervisor stating that I have seniority over so and so so I really don’t believe it’s fair I’m working. Let’s just say I don’t have many hours this week but it’s all good because I have off new years eve! New Years Day, if they’re open, my fat ass is going to weight watchers! Hopefully that’ll bring my sprits back up doing something healthy and good for myself.
Did I mention I’ve decided to move to Tennessee? Yeah,my two friends Nick and Dana are moving down there in July because Nick goes to the University of Tennessee and he has three more years to go. They’re a couple and wanna be together. Delaware and Tennessee is like 5 hours apart driving so you know long distance relationships are hard as eff. The place they’re getting is a two bedroom apartment for 700 bucks a month. This includes hot water, cable, and heat. You cannot get an efficiency for that much here in DE! Plus, I can’t find a job to save my life around here in medical assisting and there are tons down there in Knoxville. I want a change of pace. I want to meet new people. I wanna meet a southern gentleman! haha. So hopefully it all works out and I won’t end up talking out my ass about all that. Hopefully 2010 brings about new awesomeness to my drab life. 2009 was filled with school and work so I did shit! The coolest thing I did was meet third eye blind.
ahhh i was starstruck!
me n my friend amber before meeting them. That ish is supposed to be my best friend… I haven’t heard from her in like two weeks. She lives with her boyfriend. ‘Nuff said.

autographs! yes!
That was boss. That and graduating and passing medical assisting schoolage! I wanna keep going for nursing and start taking some writing classes on the side. I miss my creative spark. I used to write all the time. I’m letting the world get to me. BAH! I need to keep this lyric by Fall Out Boy in mind:

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song

They’re so right. Positivity is what I am bringing into the new year. I think its because last NYE I spent it at swordsman’s house. Locking lips with someone you don’t really like all the much but were doing it because aren’t you supposed to hook up at new years is bad juju. Yeah bad ass run on sentence fo sho. So this new years eve will be spent will friends. Getting crunk of course but… it is new years! ❀