(she’s) in love with the world and sometimes these feelings can be SO misleading

So since my last post I crossed the 25 years young threshold. I brought in the new year of life with amazing people and I am so thankful.
I have started my soul searching once more. I have realized that I am a mess and I need to clean myself up. I can’t organize my thoughts sometimes and I feel like I have to conquer so much at once instead of just doing one thing at a time.
My mind just cannot rest. I keep my eyes on all the prizes I could have and sometimes my vision gets cloudy.

Sometimes I really think I don’t even need a therapist. I know what is up with me. I know that I am scared sometimes. Just so damn scared that I won’t amount to nothing. That i’ll be a drone and never do what I want to do FOR REAL.
SO, I am doing an open mic night on the 20th. I am doing Joss Stone’s Fell in Love with a Boy. Step one ladies and gents. It’s a step. I am also dating. I have a legit date on Tuesday. I don’t know what’s going to happen. If he’s gonna see me and run for the hills because he can’t handle that I am of.. size? I don’t know what the HELL I am going to wear. Maybe this outfit:

I may wear my new boots that have a 2 inch heel. Homeboy is 6 feet tall so I think I’ll be ok with a tiny heel. I am nervous as all hell but honestly I have to do it. I have to get over the initial scary parts of it and just see what happens. I just need to get more comfortable with dudes. I can’t just keeping thinking they’re all going to hurt me eventually. That’s all I think. But am I wrong for being guarded? I don’t want to immerse myself into some guy and make him my everything when he’s just gonna be looking for something new the entire time. I am just trying to keep myself a step ahead of the situation. I think there is no reason not to try though. I am just gonna do that: try. But not too hard because then you look desperate, right?
Look, let’s be real here ya’ll. I’m meeting this guy from ok cupid. The internet dating bull shit has calmed down by now right? I mean for fucks sake it is a legit TAG on my favorite website for fucks sake. So that’s me being honest on mah blog. I have a date with a dude from the internet. Get the fuck over it. Met one of my best friends from the internet. She kinda rocks my world too. Check her tumblr out. Why is there such a negative connotation to internet dating? I don’t get it. I mean I do because I am still slightly embarrassed that I have an internet dating profile. Like just the other day a friend of my was bitching about POF.com and her friend commented you’re too pretty for internet dating. I know that person isn’t in the minority in thinking that either. If someone says that to me I have an answer lined up already. I would be like, uh, thanks and all but I’m already signed up because people I meet in person haven’t worked out. Boom. Either they play games, they take too FUCKING long to do ANYTHING, they just wanna fuck, they don’t wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship, they like your best friend, they like your sister, they are the complete opposite of who you are as a person(not talking musically here. REAL issues but if you can’t go to a festival or even one concert with me that is a real fucking issue), they’re shallow, they ask you via fb message to screw, they’re too far away, they’re in a relationship already… I think you get my point okay so no i’m not too pretty for internet dating.

I swear I’m not angry guys. Not even bitter. Just keeping it real. I am stronger for these realizations and it is all good.

Advertisements