It’s got my name on it And it’s just waiting there for me

I wanted to write two letters to myself in the increments of ten years. I wanted to write a letter to my twelve year old self and my 32 year old self. I want to always have these so I can read them in the future to remind myself of who I was and who I can be.

Dear my Twelve Year old Self,

Life can and will be hell. You’re probably staring out the window wishing you weren’t in this shitty state called Delaware but this is your home for at least the next ten years. When you first moved here you felt a twinkle of change and hope. Then they shot you down. The people who don’t care if they are tearing a young girl down they are just going to rip you one for no reason.
There are going to be moments when you feel like; “Why are they so mean to me?” and the answer is they are weak. They are weak, judgmental and easy to pick on those who are different. You may feel like you’re bigger than everyone else and you are. You are compared to everyone else and that’s okay. You’re normal in your own right. Don’t take solace in the food. That food won’t love you back even if it tastes so good. Trust me, you’ll thank me if you just don’t eat it. Ignore them the best you can or soak it in and save the anger for the justice. The justice that karma and time will give you. Those kids who picked on you won’t be doing much. They’re getting high while the kids they had too early are probably going hungry. They still live with their parents not because they want to but because they are strapped with felony charges and can’t get a job. This justice is better than killing them because I know you wish them dead.
Enjoy being twelve. Enjoy the friendship of your middle school friends and not worrying about what you have to deal with in the future. Love O-town freely and not give a damn what anyone thinks. Embrace your curls and don’t love too hard. You don’t love J—- he’s mildly cute, very tall, and sorta charming in that way. But I hate to break it to you dollface, he won’t ever care for you back. Maybe its the fact you’re too intense for twelve. Writing poems about boys are okay just don’t give it to them. It will scare them and be paper ammunition for later. He will probably make fun of you in front of his friends and that’s okay, really it is, he’s just a boy and that’s what they do. The other boys that year? They’re no good either so don’t cry over their sneers at your eager face. They want more than you’re willing to give anyway. Why break your heart so early? Be true to yourself and don’t give up. Try and seek the lighter moments and bathe in it. Keep writing your stories too and don’t lose that one the Boy Next Door because then I won’t go crazy looking for it now.


Your Future Self

p.s. Many of the people you talk to know will disappear or drift away. That’s part of life and you’ll be alright.

Dear My Thirty Two Year Old self,

Wow you’re in your thirties! I hope you aren’t living at home anymore. If you’re alone that’s cool. I hope you’re at least enjoying womanhood by dating copious amounts of men. Just don’t be a slut. Are you okay? Do you need help? If you do don’t be afraid to ask because you’re human. Being human means making tons of mistakes and you know that. Are you totally fabulously wealthy? Damn, must be nice! Make sure you share. Sharing feels good and gives you that warm fuzzy feelings right down to your toes. You know the feeling, right? Are you married? If you are damn I so didn’t think you could pull it off by getting your head out your ass and uncovering your shaded eyes to find a good man. If you are married make sure your man gets booty so he doesn’t go looking elsewhere. If he has cheated why are you still with him? Kick his ass to the curb even if that means being alone. Believe me I hate being alone right now but I know I have to get healthier before I meet a goody. I hope you kept up with your weight loss. If you didn’t are you at least HEALTHY? If not get it together bitch you hated your fat ass. Do you have kids? If you do make sure you remember being a kid. Be up front, honest, and open to everything. Watch Disney movies together but remind them there is tough times out there too. Love them unconditionally and remind them beauty is in everything. Remember you weren’t an angel so you know your way around a long car ride, okay? Take care of yourself and remember work isn’t everything; life is!


Your twenty two year old self

p.s. Don’t get so wrapped up in the future. The now is where it’s at. Love life girl and take a damn vacation.

Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left

Look, before you watch this video… It’s not about me crying out for help. It’s not about me begging for kind words. It is not about e-mailed optimism. Even though I love kind words and optimism. It’s just… A wake up call. I am always brutally honest when it comes to myself. This is just another part that honesty. I warn you it’s seeing me at my worst and it’s not flattering. But as I say at the end of the video this is for ME. For me to have on record before I go off the deep end again how it hurts to feel this way. Why I am doing this in the first place, why I am blogging and my ultimate goal. I don’t even want to post the picture of my weight gain. It’s 2.2 pounds and I am very ashamed of myself.

I pressed stop prematurely but I really didn’t have much else left to say. I haven’t watched it yet. I am going to save it for whenever I feel like eating an extra piece of something thats out of my points range. I think alcohol attributed an ounce or two so I should definitely limit my intake on that next time. I ask you all, after watching that, to just give a little prayer for me. I am not super religious or anything like that but I do believe in kind energy. I could use quite a bit of that as I struggle with my stupid job and this job hunt not to mention my lifestyle changes. So a kind thought or two would be lovely.

Free- is all that she could bleed That’s why’ll she’ll never stay

Man I have a headache. I woke up uber late because I was having these amazing dreams about these guys I have been rejected by. Rejected, made fun of, laughed at- all that because I liked them. It’s funny because in high school? I wasn’t even THAT big. I was big to society’s standards. Seriously, I was about 180 my sophomore year.
I was probably 200 there because that was my junior year. It was the first year I was playing field hockey so it was “freshman friday” because it was my first year I got written all over my face. So anyway, I look at this picture and it pisses me off. Why did I let everyone get to me about my weight ?I wasn’t that heavy! All I could think of was how boys didn’t like me so something was wrong with me dadadada DUH! So I let my emotions go fucktard and ate. I ate myself into 167 pounds in less that four years. It’s funny how I’d kill to be that size again. I let peoples judgements get the best of me instead of just letting it be. I could have lost the twenty or so pounds to go down to a normal, healthy, weight but instead I developed SEVERE depression and in short tried to end my life at just seventeen. I went to a “hospital” for a time, was prescribed welbutrin xl, and was given some serious therapy. Some help was more helpful than others. Honestly, I still have some hardcore issues. Some days I want to die because it seems like life is just going to get worse, stress is going to get worse, and I am not equipped to handle it. I make a shitty adult and have yet to make real adult decisions. I make hardly any money, I don’t have a car, I have zero in savings, destroyed credit,I live at home with my parents, and I can’t find a job in the field I graduated from. So it’s at moments when all of that hits me,and I realize I am going to be 23 this year, that I feel like it will all be easier if I just died. But it’s a selfish notion. I need to go back to therapy and have someone help me sort out my mess. Give me a ray of sunshine on my cloudy days. I can’t believe my parents were married with a house at my age. I feel like a dumb ass! I have never even been in a relationship before let alone thought of being married! There are days, like today, when all I want is someone to hold me and whisper sweet things to me. Guys, I am straight, but it’s come to the point if a woman wants to be my companion I would give it a shot. But then it gets to the part of feeling that kind of attraction and I just don’t feel it. I want the masculinity of a man’s touch and love. You can’t help what you feel. This is all I am feeling before breakfast so go fucking figure. What do you guys think? What helps when you guys feel lost? Any single guys out there that doesn’t mind a fatty that’s going to lose this weight? I am like a fixer upper. Put some investment in me for a year and I’ll be a certified hot chick. Real Estate gold!

Playing on the narcissistic playground

So maybe I took Brandi’s post outta context. She was more saying that she hates when obese people blame skinny people for their problems and that they blame the world for their issue. There are certain obese people who do use their weight and make it a handicap. At my job I see it all the time. They use the scooters for their own lazy asses instead of walking when they full well can! Just because their weight is so immense that their ankles and feet hurt because of the weight doesn’t mean they are entitled to these scooters. There are handicapped people who cannot walk and they have to use them but if it’s all fat people using them how are they going to get a chance? That’s beat && I’ve seen it a thousand times. They’re just assholes.
I took her post as a direct baseball bat to my own face. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that she was attacking me or saying fat people are disgusting. But if you are at this emotional crosswords, like I am now, it’s easy to misconstrue everything that seems a little to what you’re feeling on that particular day. I am a very sensitive person. It’s hard to believe I have survived life this long honestly. I mean the way I take everything personally you would think I would have offed myself four years ago. Well, I did try but I realized life IS worth it and being that selfish is a sin.
I do want to shed some light on the issue I think I have that led to this 167 pound weight gain from high school. Because I have depression ( I took wellbutrin xl for that shizz when I was 17 made it wayy worse) I turned to food. Everyone likes food, yes? I want everyone to understand that, even though you may roll your eyes, that food addiction IS real.

Scientists at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory have found that the mere display of food — where food-deprived subjects are allowed to smell and taste their favorite foods without actually eating them — causes a significant elevation in brain dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. This activation of the brain’s dopamine motivation circuits is distinct from the role the brain chemical plays when people actually eat, and may be similar to what addicts experience when craving drugs.

“Eating is a highly reinforcing behavior, just like taking illicit drugs,” said psychiatrist Nora Volkow, the study’s lead investigator. “But this is the first time anyone has shown that the dopamine system can be triggered by food when there is no pleasure associated with it since the subjects don’t eat the food. This provides us with new clues about the mechanisms that lead people to eat other than just for the pleasure of eating, and in this respect may help us understand why some people overeat.
These brain scans can be used to infer brain dopamine levels in the four experimental conditions (with and without food stimulation, paired with and without an oral dose of Ritalin). Note that the tracer signal in the Ritalin + food scan is significantly lower than the others. This is because the radiotracer competes with natural brain dopamine for binding to the receptor. When there is a lot of tracer bound (the first three conditions), it means there is not as much natural brain dopamine. When there is little tracer bound (as in the Ritalin + food scan), there is more natural brain dopamine occupying the receptor sites. So, it is an inverse relationship (a low tracer signal = a high dopamine level)

this is from Broohaven National Laboratory

It makes sense that I have used food as my own crack. It sounds lame, ridiculous, and an excuse but doesn’t it make more sense that I did this because my brain, being fucked up enough because of the depression, chose food as an outlet instead of turning to narcotics. If you see my family they are beautiful healthy people. My dad is big boned,I will always be big boned, but no one’s body is made to be 367 pounds. Why would I do this to myself knowing I WANT to be physically desirable especially at the tender ages of 17-22 when love is what we all want most of all. It’s because food is my own brand of crack. We all like food I just like it more than others. I’ve just been putting food first for so long that I need to break this habit. So I’m hoping weight watchers will be therapy for my issues because I sure can’t afford counseling. Although there is an overeaters anonymous right by my house I should peep.
I want to beat the odds and not succumb to my addiction. I want to be in People magazine showing how I lost 200 pounds. How my new svelte figure can fit in one pant leg of my old self. I just got to stop flying off the handle and calm myself.

Brandi, I want you to know you’re a dollface && I’m sorry for being a narcissistic fool.
“I’m a mess but I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”