A smile’s not a smile if you fake it

Before reading this post take less than four minutes to watch this:

Amazing, yes? That’s Katie Dill. She’s a local artist here in Delaware. She’s part of the group Mean Lady and Diego Paulo. I love how effortless her voice is. I am jamming to her for this post because I wanted to discuss music this post!

This week is full of yes! Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see the Goo Goo Dolls at the Opera house in Wilmington ( I didn’t even know such a place existed) and Friday all of my sisters and I are going to see MIGUEL at the University of Delaware.Don’t know Miguel? Here’s my favorite song of his:

oh and this one:

I like some freaky music sometimes haha.
I love all kinds of music (not so much country or screaming) but I love it most live. I am so excited to take my baby sisters to the Miguel concert because it will be their first concert. My first concert was the Backstreet Boys at 12. They’ll have a better my first concert story (although they did go to Live 8 when they were younger. I don’t count this because we were a million miles away.)My first REAL concert/show was the Starting Line at Kahunaville in Wilimington. I was just sixteen and it was FANTASTIC. Oh the good old days of fighting two broads for a drumstick then getting it signed from Kenny the front man! Quickly after the Starting Line I saw Fall Out Boy.I think you’ve all heard my black eye story from that show. I think everyone needs to experience live music whether it be local or main stream. Theres a really good local music scene here in Delaware believe it or not .But my favorite lately is Mean Lady. Most importantly Katie Dill as the video showed you above she’s a tremendous talent. I think it’s so important to see some live music however you can. Peep your local music scene and take in the bars or open mic nights. When I was in high school I was into “Emo” music. I still like them for what they helped me with in high school. Fall Out Boy is still a favorite of mine because I think their lyrics were awesome as hell and Patrick Stump can sing his little ass off. I’ve totally mentioned this before.

sell me out – the joke’s on you
we are salt – you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I’m the kind of kid
that can’t let anything go
but you wouldn’t know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

I was a pretty Emo teen. A pretty emo adult. πŸ™‚ I think because of my emotional blahs I fell into real love with The Beatles. My romance starved heart fell heavy for “I wanna hold your hand” and “Eight Days A Week.” I’m basically a pop/rock/indie girl.
An idea of my weirdness of musical tastes here are my pandora radio stations:
Amy Winehouse
Every Avenue
Fall Out Boy
Florence +The Machine
Foo Fighters
Foster The People
Good Vibrations (as in Mark Wahlberg hmm, kay?)
Jimmy Eat World
Nikki and Rich
Nikki Minaj
Paper Bag (Fiona Apple)
Patrick Stump
Pop Champagne
Sweet Disposition (temper trap)
Swing Life Away (Rise Against)
Tegan And Sara
The Beatles
The Goo Goo Dolls
The XX
Tony Dize (for some latin flavor)
V.V. Brown
Vampire Weekend

Some artists are unnecessary since they pop up on aforementioned stations already but I made a station for them anyway. I do like other artists of course but like I said they pop up so often on the other listed stations I don’t feel a need to make a station for them like death cab for cutie or even Dave Mathews. It just pops up. I just love love LOVE music. Some of my music is hated (fall out boy, panic!, goo goo dolls…) but I really like music I can relate to. Yes, I can relate to Sexy and I know it haha! “I work out!” lol In all seriousness check out Katie Dill/Mean Lady on youtube she’s awesome.
Another one of my long posts πŸ™‚

Day LUCKY 13

My favorite musician and why:
I wish I could say I had one favorite musician. It’s impossible for a girl who has as many interests as me to have one set favorite musician. I have a few top favorites that have stood the test of time like:
Fall Out Boy
Tegan and Sara
& Michelle Branch.
Michelle Branch- I loved her in high school in a way that made sense only to a teenage girl in love with signing. Michelle was doing the damn thing and I loved her for it. Her lyrics were simple, catchy, and relatable.
“I still get lost in your eyes and it seems I can’t live a day with out you…” For a sap like me? GOLD!

Tegan and Sara: These twins are so versatile. There music speaks volumes to me in ways I can’t explain with words. I can listen to any of their cds and just pick out the singular song that transcends me into another dimension of pure happiness. There are also songs of theirs that put me in my” dark” place because they remind me so much of how I feel. These feelings go hand in hand with the other bands listed above Paramore and Fall Out Boy. Let me give you an example of the song that puts me in my happy place:
“”Frozen: “Looking for a laugh wanna stop back
When you’re done whining
And taking things back
I’ll be there as always feet submerged
And probably frozen
We can only hope that I’ll be frozen
Enough of that as if I care as if I need to know
Like I was there
But if I was you just call my name call my name
And I’ll be there if you call my name
You know I’ll be there

There’s a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me
Well I can’t stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven’t called me in weeks and honestly it’s bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn’t like me if you met me
And don’t you worry there’s still time
There’s nothing to live for when I’m sleeping alone
Tegan and Sara wrote this song for me. I know it. I mean come on we’ve all felt this way. So utterly depressed and unwanted that you’re just like damn. I wouldn’t even like me if I met me. Just gah. Love it!

Then there is Paramore. I mean Hayley Williams? You are my absolute heo. You are doing the damn thing and rocking it and keeping up with the boys. Plus you’re cute as a button. That orange hair? Love it! But it goes like this… A lot of people hate on Paramore and Fall out Boy for that matter but these two bands have amazing lyrics and a front person that has a real set of pipes. I AM NOT A FAN OF SCREAMING BUT I KNOW THERE ARE SCREAMING BANDS THAT HAVE AMAZING LYRICS TOO BUT TO HEAR A REAL VOICE SINGING BE WORDS THAT MAKE ME SMILE IN A WAY I CAN’T EXPLAIN? gosh Ii LOVE IT!” Cause I’ve seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive”

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it’s getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it’d be like
To find perfection in the pride
To see nothing in the light
But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite
I’ll turn it off

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
Then in the free fall I will realize
I’m better off when I hit the bottom

The tragedy it seems I’m ending
I’m watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We’re taking shortcuts and false illusions
Just to come out the hero

Well I can see behind the curtain
The wheels are cranking turning
It’s all wrong the way we’re working
Towards a goal, that’s nonexistent, it’s nonexistent
But we just keep believing

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
Then in the free fall I will realize
I’m better off when I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it’d be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite
I’ll turn it off
Just turn it off

, again

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
Then in the free fall I will realize
I’m better off when I hit the bottom

And the worst part is, before it gets any better
We’re headed for a cliff
Then in the free fall I will realize
I’m better off when I hit the bottom
now this is the accoustic version … orgasmic!

As a girl seeing her dad struggle with paying the bills and realizing life is not what it is or what you thought… It’s hard. Seeing your idols struggle and get frustrated and realizing they don’t have it together is hard. To feel like you’re working towards a goal that is sooo far out of sight you feel like it’s not even there? I know this song. I live this song. I am so passionate and the way Hayley sings I feel her passion too. SEEING HER LIVE? amazing!
now, WE GO TO fall out Boy. I know they’re no t a band anymore. And to most they are “poseurs” or “sell outs”. But I don’t think that. I think they got famous because of “Sugar” and they got the money they deserved. Being as I was a fan since they began back in like 02 or 03 I have been there since the beginning. I know what it’s like to grow and change and that’s what they did as a band and a lot of die hard, old school, fans didn’t like how they transcended. I really liked their new stuff. Not as much as the old because the old was when I was this crazy suicidal, emu, cutter, and I was all they’re singing my life! But I still appreciate those songs today seeing how they shaped my adolescence in a way that I can appreciate beautiful, emotional, lyrics. Whether it be happiness or sadness. Even anger. Oh, man. these lyrics:
“Empty another bottle and let me tear youth to pieces this is me wishing you into the worst situations I ‘m the kind of kid that cane’s let anything go but you wouldn’t know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat.”
My heart is the worst kind of weapon:
Like seriously? I have unbridled passion, love, hate, and so much anger in me I love this lyric with my very soul. I think my thirst for revenge also makes me love this lyric. I have been hurt so many times it’s hard to just let it go. I never let anything go. so THOSE ARE MY TIPPY TOP FIVES. judge AWAY.. but I HAVE EXPLAINED… How I feel and my reasons.

One way or another, I’ll find my way to cover

I love Tegan and Sara. I love the new Sainthood cd. I love that each song is totally different from the next. they’re playing at the tower theatre in pa but i don’t have a car yet and i won’t be able to get there. God, it’d be so magical to see them play live! I’m feeling a little weird/down right now. I’m not sure how I should take what I’m feeling. I just read my friend Brandi’s post on her blog and it mentioned obese people.

Obese People Crying For Equality – You got yourself that way and I am disgusted that we should β€œfix” things around your lifestyle. I actually heard a woman in Victoria’s Secret complain that they are a terrible company for not having a XXXTHATSAHUGEBITCHXXL size available for her. You want a medal for being that large? Then go to Wal-Mart, home of the fatties.

I am not crying for equality believe me when I get smaller it will be a nice prize to be able to shop at regular stores like vicky secrets to get me an extra pushed up bra. But guys… I am 367 pounds. I am a big bitch. i am a thats a XXXTHATSAHUGEBITCHXXL that is me right now. I am going to weight watchers, sure, but right now and for prob a year, i’m going to be a big ass bitch. A fattie. *certified fat chick*. I just don’t want to be judged as disgusting and gross in public. I don’t want my friends to think of me as this horrendous blimp on their “atmospheric radar”. Sure, I am disgusted all on my own with my appearance. I do not need this added grief that on a day I actually think I look half decent in my 4x wal-mart shirt and size 26/28 jeans from fashion bug that I look halfway fucking decent that everyone is looking at my shaking there head thinking that shouldn’t be allowed. I shop at wal-mart home of the fatties. It’s cheap and does go up to my size which is nice because lord knows i don’t wanna walk around naked. I’m just kinda really horrified right now. I don’t want to be who I am right now and its going to take a really really really long time to lose the 200 pounds i need to be normal. I’m aware and i’m doing what I can. I live a life skinny people don’t understand. Arm rests and booths are unsittable for me. So I don’t want to be this fattie, XXXTHATSAHUGEBITCHXXL whatever anymore. But please, while I’m making this transition, don’t fucking disrespect me or what I look like. There’s all kindsa reasons I have gotten this far this way. It all has to do with me.