&& i will love with urgency but not with haste

Musically obsessed with the latest Mumford and Sons album. God damnit the thing is beautiful. Lyrically brilliant and the vocals are just gah! No words. I wish I could hear it all the time.
I am a week away from turning 25 and I am trying to embrace my new age bracket. I am realizing I have a lot of growing to do but the growth I’ve accomplished is pretty remarkable. I haven’t cried over a dude fucking with my feelings this week so that is major progress. I get angry (but not bitter!) Instead. There is too much out there for me to get hung up on some spastic and shallow rejection. I mean come on. I am a 25 year old woman that works too jobs and have a fire under my ass to be a great woman. I do. So when some guy is ready to be a great man BESIDE me I will welcome him but until then… just doing me.

&&now my heart stumbles on things i don’t know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.

It is so easy for me to feel vulnerable. It is way too easy. I feel so much for way too many. I feel bad for those who are good people and bad things happen to them. I also am afraid of feeling vulnerable. It’ is so easy for me to feel that way that I try to keep a lot with in me. I feel afraid of giving my heart away to anyone so I never tell anyone how I feel. I am a chicken shit. I think I really need to speak to someone about my fear of rejection and being dejected. It’s not like people make me feel that way. Not anyone I’ve run into recently anyway. Everyone is really happy for me an d my accomplishments. But to lose weight and keep losing weight is only half the battle. I have to feel right within. Speaking to friends about this is helpful, yes, but I think it’s easier for me to speak to an outsider. One that doesn’t know everything about me and hears everything straight from my mouth and not WORD of mouth. I need help reaching my goals. I want to do so many things while I am still not attached to any where. I have no children to worry about it’s just me. I don’t want insecurities or vulnerability to hold me back. I also don’t want to fall on to old habits when I feel these negative emotions. Especially the bad habit OF OVER EATING. I WISH I had that eating disorder controlled before. I may have had the surgery but I am perfectly capable of going back to that indulging lifestyle. and all my hard work would be for naught. So to be proactive I am going to find a therapist. Reading Portia De Rossi’s book really helped me see that I need to get help before I lose it (again). I wish people recognized the eating disorder that is overeating/binge eating more than a joke. Because I was really overeating because I am mentally sick. Or was mentally sick. Not sure which way to put it other than I am a hell of a lot happier now than I was a year ago. I made the right life style choice and I am going to keep making the right choices so I don’t go back to what I was. I have my goals and I am super focused because I have a lot to gain by losing a lot. This is why I’m changing the tag line of my blog. It’s not going to be psh i’m a head of their game because its not about making a statement that I am a faat woman so people you don’t have to make fun of me I already know. It’s abotu self awareness and getting to my goals. This is what this blog is REALLY about now. It’s about self persevation. It’s about fighting for my life and being a better me. No one will hold me back otherwise I will cut them out of my life. So this is my new tagline:
She’s got a lot to gain and a lot to lose.

Roll away your stone

This weekend was the first appearance of Halloween for me. I had a costume party to go to so I racked my brain trying to figure out a reasonable costume to wear. I wanted to look cute but i can’t very well go all slutface so I found a happy medium:

I was a Flapper and my friend Katie was a peacock. My mom basically made both of our costumes. I spend 30 bucks on the fringe, ribbon, feather, and fake cigarette holder. We hot glue gunned the fringe to an old slip thing I had. We made the headband and I bought leopard tights. I think I did well and spent WAY less on this than I would have on a plus size costume. It looked a hell of a lot better too if I do say so myself. It was another one of those nights where pretty much everyone else was drunk and I was NOT drinking. I am getting better at dealing with it. I end up just laughing at the douchebags who are all drunk. I was able to be rescued by my friends Jason and Heather since the people I came with kinda disappeared which of course pissed me off but I was the DD so I couldn’t just bounce. I know you don’t need liquor to have fun but in that social setting it may have put me less on edge. I just have this spastic moments of feeling like shit sometimes because I feel like being my weight I am socially awkward. I was the biggest girl in there dressed up. I should be proud that I am crossing boundaries and looking good while doing it but you KNOW how some people can be. I’m still staying positive because this may very well be the last Halloween i’m plus size. Who knows? I’m working hard. I did the elliptical yesterday and I’m going to try and walk today. We’ll see how it goes! Today I have to do some running around: dropping my sisters off at a friends house, going to get a sweater, and possibly seeing 50/50 because I REALLY want to see it. We shall see. Until later…

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Today I looked in the mirror and gasped. It has been a looong time since I had seen myself in a full length mirror and what I saw literally made me gasp. I couldn’t believe it was me. I don’t feel this big. I don’t. I mean my joints do I guess but I don’t feel the weight I really am. I know this is odd like dude the title of your blog is confessions of a certified fat chick but honestly I didn’t know it was this bad. I keep saying I am going to lose weight but I haven’t been doing it properly this time around. I have been letting the external get to me. Going out to eat and making poor choices and my sedentary job has not helped especially since it is kind of stressful at sometimes (seriously, you talk to people from Detroit for 8 hours a day and you tell me you don’t feel the need to eat a bag of chips in between calls.) I know I am making poor excuses especially since I shelling out all of this money to make myself better.
100 dollars a month for a personal trainer (soon to be going up to 250 a month for 8 sessions instead of 4)
20 dollars a month for a gym membership
25 dollars a month for my doctors visits.
and the cost of the new diuretics I am now on too. Not to mention the cost of eating out so much because i’m too lazy to cook a damned meal. I am constantly beating myself up for being fat yet I am doing it to myself. I am going to have to stick to the plan the doctor has sought out for me. NO trans fats and low to no carbs. I have to do this for myself and not because I think it’ll get me some numbers (even though I hope it does :/). I need to find my inner strength. I have self respect but why don’t I have enough when it comes to food? Maybe I need to speak with a counselor about my unhealthy relationship with food. I think it may have come to that point. I am downloading the fitness pal app right now so i can keep track because this has got to stop. I am making myself miserable.
Even though I am going to be fat for a bit I just need to stay positive because if I have the better attitude I will keep my eye on that prize!
I need to stop writing random posts like this:
“I swear I’m going to end up a lonely cat lady miserable because not only am I alone;I am allergic to cats.”
Which I am pretty sure is poor grammar and very depressing.
I get into these terrible funks sometimes like I feel like I am drowning in this terrible pool of fatdom and I can’t swim out. I need to remember I have lots of life preservers. As I write this post (at 1 am when I need to work at 8:30 am) I am left thinking about all the times I have said this trash before. I know what I need to do. Why do I self sabotage? Food is not better than being worry free going to an amusement parks or riding a plane. I am scared to death to ride on a plane because of my fatness and I am DYING to go to Bonnaroo. Please, if I have faithful readers, and my friends please please help me. I HAVE to stay on task before I give myself diabetes or die from sheer unhappiness.