Sometimes I feel like I am at a standstill and then other times I just feel like I am perpetually moving toward my doom. What I s my doom? Utter collapse into adult hood. What Is adulthood? Marriage? Kids? Trapped in the same job for the next 40 years? Real life is scary lol.
I say I want love and every thing but even the tiny rejections break a piece of me off. Maybe I’m better off alone. Maybe I can’t handle love and all that it entails. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I can go any where I want. But if I were to get Into a relationship the guy would know all that because he’ll know in the long run that I’m a crazy, flighty, bird.
I am going to need someone that says: “ I don’t want to put you in a cage, I want to love you.” (Breakfast at Tiffany’s at its finest.)
Boom perfect I love you. No cages for me. I know it is strange for me to be this way at this point but things are really starting to get so much better for me. I feel more attractive and I feel pretty. Sure there are times where I’m like; “what’s this broad got that I don’t got? Is it because she’s skinny? “ Then I’ll just think more into it and realize I obviously don’t want to be with any one like that. I don’t ever want to be with someone who says one thing and does the other. I know I can be a tiresome woman but I am always honest. I am honest to a complete fault. Because people don’t necessarily need to know everything. Mystery is necessary. I don’t need to tell a guy who obviously doesn’t want to be with me that I have feelings for him because it doesn’t matter. It won’t change his mind when he tells me i’m not the one that eh’s going to choose . Why harp? I think it’s because I like to punish myself. I like a reminder that this is going to happen all the time. Maybe I should also commend myself on my honesty because who is really this honest anymore? Who?
On much different and less heavy notes July is gonna be one bitchin’ month.
I’m going to the firefly festival in Dover Delaware and I am going to be seeing 311 the week after. Know who I’m seeing 311 with? My best friend Leslie from Nashville! She’s coming into Philly for a visit. We’re going to hit up Atlantic City so she can say she went to the Jersey Shore I’m so happy. I am. I know things are complicated and not everything is where it’s supposed to be but I think things are getting so much better. I do. I think with more weight loss (oh yeah, another pound down booya) and the travelling I am feeling more like my real self. My real self is a girl that loves to live life and now that I am so much healthier I am able to do that. The fall is going t o be amazing too! I am the maid of honor in my friend’s Dana and nicks wedding, I’m going to little rock Arkansas to see red hot chili peppers, and November I’m going to Vegas. I bust my ass with two jobs so I can do these things. It’s just me I have to do it up while I can. So cheers to happiness and hoping I never get caged.
I’m not 14 anymore. I am 24. Twenty mother effing four.
It’s so weird. I am not old, but I am not a child.
I get so mad at myself sometimes that I wasted a good part of my youth with poor life style choices. I must say that I have a lot good going for me, now, but I get so scared that if I work so hard toward my goal no one will take notice. That they’ll still see me as fat. ‘They’ as in men. As you all know I have been single all of my life. I have never dated anyone. It’s getting so difficult as I get older. The places you go out to like bars and shit… would you want to even attempt to give one of those guys your number?
As for mutual friends what if you act interested and they’re all hell to the nah and you have to run into the dude again? I know such is life but I struggle with even the smallest interaction in a single guy i’m interested in. All that runs through my mind is the no that I will most likely hear. I have heard so many nos. Whether they’ve said it to me directly or to a mutual friend.
Now, I KNOW I need to keep my attitude positive because who wants to date some one who is a mother fucking rain cloud? I am not THIS way in person. Far from it. But this is my blog, my diary, and I have to say I feel so damn awkward! I am learning more about myself everyday and I am starting to think I am a fun, awesome, FUNNY individual. Why wouldn’t people want me? I know these things yet, when it comes right down to it, and HE’S in my face I am just like. Nope. Don’t go there. Shit will get too real and too screwed up. I preach positivity yet I get so caught up in my emotions and the past. Guys were cruel as HELL in high school. SO cruel. Half the time now they’re just trying to play. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t made to be so PASSIONATE. SO romantic. I know life’s no fairy tale but where did those stories come from?
I forgot to add this poem I wrote:
Be still my fluttering heart
Quiet the frayed nerves
shooting off electrical jolts to my limbs
not winning any one over with my sweet smile
Shut me down once more
Place me in a dusty corner
someone reach out their hand
show this shelved doll some attention
Hope for the hopeless
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Lost and alone
Charming without the dazzle
Dazzling with out the charm
let’s ‘figure’ out what’s missing
Insipid ones do it best
with one simpering glance they get their chance
We don’t want to be bitter but rather be sweet
Let’s work on being that savory treat
* warning this post is full of senseless thoughts and frustrations. It may not make sense but typing them out is terribly therapeutic*
I am far too human. I am far too fallible. I am so emotional and passionate people fear me. Fear my heart would implode in their faces and they wouldn’t know how to stitch me back together. I can’t talk to anyone about my maddening thoughts of distrust and DISGUST. Against individuals taking what I would cherish for granted. It’s frustrating being me. A woman capable of so much yet feeling like the will and ways don’t match up.
I just wish there was a meet cute kinda thing. I wish my life was more like the movies.
I had a friend who told me that men aren’t like guys on t.v. I don’t know if I wrote about how much that pissed me off before or not but I’m writing it now. DO my friends find me that fucking stupid? Do they find me that irrational to believe there are perfect, great looking men, out there going to sweep me off my feet by coming to my house with roses just to make out with me in the rain? I’m not holding out for that but I am holding out for more than just a hot mess. In my opinion if a guy makes me cry more than 3 times for anything other than I’m emotional pmsing bitch there’s a problem. And I mean because he hit me, threw something at me, belittled me, anything of that nature. Feel me? I realize everyone is flawed. I think the comment made me think that people think I am living in LALA land in what a relationship should be. I don’t think that’s the case in any sense. I try and give my whole heart. I dive in the deep end sometimes without thinking that its so fucking DEEP. I am sensible yet senseless. I know enough about myself to not settle for the bull shit of bull shits no matter how cute their packaging may be.
I get so angry. I get so irrationally pissed off at sad because I feel like screaming I AM AWESOME. I truly believe I am one fun broad to be around. Not trying to sell myself in any manner. I’m not this cocky girl walking around with my nose in the air saying I’m hot shit fall back son
Maybe I’m not articulating what is on my mind properly. Some times I wish I could escape to another time. A time where my mind was more right and everyone else could appreciate me for what I’m worth. For a guy to appreciate my worth. A guy with some fucking GOALS for heavens sake
I’m tired of writing about love scenes I’ve never witnessed first hand. For example:
As soon as Mason stepped off the stage the skanks hounded him. He smiled in his charming way but he made his way over to me.
“What do you think?” He asked. I looked into his green eyes. Loving the way his laugh smiles showed. Impulsively I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. There was no noise. I didn’t hear the crowd or the house music. The best part about the quiet was that I could appreciate his strong arms around my waist. I could appreciate the way his large hands were on the small of my back dangerously close to my ass. I was also able to appreciate the fullness of the kiss. The way his lips parted and captured my top lip. I have never been kissed this way. It sobered me a little but not enough to make me stop kissing a man I hardly knew in public in this way. I opened my eyes just a bit mid kiss to see his eyes open as well. His eyes bore into mine. My fingers lingered in his hair and he drew back. Out of breath he brought his forehead to mine.
“Keep kissing me like that and I won’t be able to get back on stage,” Mason said.
” I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly. He made a small frustrated noise and kissed my forehead. His arms not leaving me.
“Nothing to be sorry for, doll. I gotta get a drink of water. Are you staying until the end?”
“Yeah, I will,” I said. With that he let go of me and the background noise came back with a whoosh.
My mind won’t stfu tonight. So I write. This doesn’t mean that I think any of that happens to people. It is fiction. But to be kissed like that I believe to be possible and If people say no? Then they’re probably not doing it right and that’s a shame. Why can’t I have hope that love would find me in a way that takes my breath away? The songs people write have to come from somewhere. I know I have felt so strongly in ways that lyrics fell from my tongue over the most senseless people. I wasted my breath many times. But the feelings were there. Just prematurely. I want to be more mature but people fail me and I don’t hold them accountable enough. I forgive easily secretly keeping grudges in my heart of hearts.
I am tired of being so fallible. I am tired of people thinking I am sad or gullible. I am tired of having a friend who doesn’t believe I have more friggin sense.
I think you guys think I am totally contradictory. I guess I am. Or I am a ever changing female changing to suit my own happiness. Go figure. A lot of people are doing that thing were they analyze me because they think they know me. But… I am a mess of different things. I have so many different kinds of friends with different interests becausse I hate doing the same thing every day. I change my mind a lot but then I am also kind of stubburn. Does that make sense? I am a woman indecisive tendencies but then again I usually stick to my guns. I think a lot of people think I am one picky bitch because I usually don’t like the men that like me. I just know what I like. I am not interested in uber awkwardness of the third kind by dating someone who has no balls. Or the kind of balls that is the cheesiest among cheesiest. Am I hard on men? Maybe. I just go by the examples around me. My pops is a great husband and provider. He treats my mommdukes like a queen. He takes her out every weekend and blatantly loves her. I have also seen how men can cheat. Cheat so bad that I am scared that 85% of men cheat and I will NEVER tolerate for that. (It is NOT my father who has cheated. He has never done that.) I am a very strong woman in that sense. I have gone 23 years without a man in my life and if I can’t get a faithful one I would say adios faster than the speed of light. Women deserve better than that. As well as men with hardcore issues such as abusive behaviors. Mind ninjas and physical abusers as well as drug and alcohol abusers. I would never tolerate for that. I am not that kind of girl either. So, I am wary. I may bitch and moan about how I want a guy… But in all reality… I don’t want just a guy. I want a great guy. A guy I can laugh with. The one I can be a total spazz in front of and he would never look down on me for that. So while I appreciate a compliment from a guy that are all like “You’re beautiful…” I take it with a grain of salt. I know men have ulterior motives. I have learned from the best that a lot of guys want that ass and only that ass. I am not having none of that. So, I’ll keep working on my confidence and body so I can get to my own level of self happiness. If the right guy comes a long I won’t turn him away. Accepting applications but not hiring. HA! If I’d be honest with myself I am really waiting for HIM but… I know I am not what he wants. I am not talking about Miguel btw. I am over that. SO over that. We’re friends but I have no romantic notions. I swear. But the guy that i am talking about I wish a million wishes but it’s okay. He isn’t attracted to me the same way I am not attracted to certain guys. Whether its my weight or not… I speculate but I am not pointing fingers. It could very well be that but it could also be that because my confidence level fails in certain ways and that makes me even more unattractive. But the thing of it is I haven’t always been this big but I was never small. My freshman and sophomore year I was thick in all the right places but still too thick for the boys of that age circa 2002. So anyway. I am growing up and life is not passing me by. I may be single and I’d bitch and moan but really… I just know what I want. I go out and have fun and I don’t do it by sleeping around with any dude that says hey. I think that’s saying something. Right?
I love Koren. She is my big girl advocate. She gets it because she is my big girl sister : ) I love how she keeps saying it’s crucial.
But she mentions black men and it really is MOST men. I like all colors of the rainbow and I get DENIED many a time.
I am not gonna beat a dead horse by adding how hxc I want a man to love and hold me. My lack of intimacy is driving me nutso. I got lots of love to give but ENOUGH. I just wanted to rep my fella big girl and certified fat chick Koren. She’s boss. Subscribe to her you tube!
I see it in your eyes now you’re givin up the gun”
Today was one of those days where I just needed to cry my ass off. I accomplished just that but I don’t feel very liberated. I feel like I am moving in slow motion and everyone is surpassing me.
I am so impatient and I am very good at screwing myself to oblivian. I wish I could hack off the bits I hate on myself. My belly, my extra chin, my flubber arms, and my inner thighs. I’d like to keep my boobs, I had one of those REALLY shitty weigh ins when it was all my fault. I wish self control was my middle name because Marie ain’t doing me shit.thanks. I don’t want to give up the gun. I want to keep shooting. Not blanks either. I need to get myself back to steadily losing an keep going. I don’t want to die a footless because I developed diabetes and couldn’t control my blood sugar and my circulation failed me. I am talking about myself here not any one else overweight. I must reiterate that fact as to make sure I am only offending myself not anyone else.
I am hard on myself because of what I have become. i look at pictures of myself in high school and I wish there was a time machine to shake me to realize I wasn’t fat that. I just have super skinny ass friends.
case in point:
I love Katie to bits but our bodies don’t compare. But that was me at 17 or 18 and I was about 250? I am 5’8 so I am tall too. It’s like why did I kick myself so hard to lust for food since I wasn’t getting any action when I was younger? Why couldn’t I just hang on until I was older. Keep that weight and lose it when I was ready instead of saying fuck it and eat everyone and their mommas too. Now… I have a hell of a road in front of me and I feel like maybe the surgery is what I WANT but do I want all that extra skin? It’s a serious decision. I am going to have skin but not that bad if I do it slow. I have to stop living in the past. I have to focus on my goals and just realize that this is my reality. Make do and change it. I just don’t think people realize I have a looong road to travel on. I wish I wasn’t me on days like this but I really do love my self just enough to want to fix myself. My friend Rachel is helping me. She wants it as bad as I do. I want a lot of things at the same time and I need to focus on one thing at a time. I can’t be jealous of everyone and their lovers because I am butt ass alone. I am alone because I am not okay with me and if I dated someone who liked me as I am right now I will always be second guessing his love for me. Why would I want that? I want love bad and I can’t wait. I hate the fact that inpatience is a huge thing I need to work on. I am a girl who has had crushes since I WAS 2 and writing love poems since I was 12. I sang in front of my entire 8th grade class for boy. But that’s my thing. I don’t do shit for myself. But really… I think I could give a lot in a relationship. I am an untapped love machine. LMAO!!!! Wow wayyy too literal. I so apologize. You’re laughing though, yes? Ah, once again I am all over the place making no sense. So let me go find the gun and get my wrists of steel. Golly, I love Vampire Weekend.
Day 18 Something you crave
I bet you think a CFC would say something White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia nut cheese cake from the Cheese Cake Factory, huh? WRONG! Although that is crazy delicious.
No, What I crave is something a little different but just as decadent as that gorgeous piece of cheesecake.
I crave true love and companionship. I crave it so bad sometimes it hurts to look at happy couples. I crave it so bad that when I see bitchy girlfriends being rude to their amazing boyfriends I feel physically nauseous. Now, my desire to have this affection is not to be confused with me willing to settle for any man that comes knocking. Not the case see this blog postfor proof. I want and crave true companionship- a true equal that can handle my heart with care and not leave me wanting anyone but them. I want humor. I want and CRAVE love. A man to enhance me and just be a great friend. I know I sound like a broken record but for a girl that has never had any of that who is on the precious of her 23rd birthday? It makes a lot of sense to want that fully. More than anything. Well, I want my own self actualization of course but I crave this true love and companionship. Basically positive attention from the male gender would be nice.What I crave is something real and honest. There was this guy that had such promise but his lack of WILL and real charm sealed the deal on our non relationship. His Lack of EFFORT was a real ball buster for me. I may be a fat chick but I am a chick. With the realest, deepest, most honest feelings you’ll ever come across. Too soul-baring? maybe. But I want a man who can handle that. Plus I don’t really want like a chubby chaser or a fat girl aficionado I want a guy who loves me. For ME. For whatever I have to offer. I may be ” asking for the impossible but as my idol Audrey Hepburn says;; “Nothing is impossible, the world itself says I’m possible.” I choose the path of hope. I hope that someday my prince will come. I am not begging. I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I am so not being the woe is me bitch either because I know how ATTRACTIVE that can be with men. *rolls eyes* I am going better in all of those senses. Sure,, I can come across extra sometimes but I am a little extra. In size and in personality. I am ME. ME. I sometimes want to be larger than life and seize the day and get my adventures done. God, I crave adventure. Not the oh man I may totally get arrested kind. But I want to enjoy being alive. Isn’t the world ending in two years? I need to get my life on. And I am doing it big!
Day 19 another pic of yourself…
It was from two years ago I didn’t feel like taking a picture today because it is a rainy poopie day and I don’t feel like doing anything and that includes putting my face on lol so there. TANOLICIOUS. I love being tan but I have only faked n baked twice in my life it didn’t do shit for me. I just get nice and tan quick ’cause I’m part Rican. So I started this post heavy(pun intended!) and ended light! lol