Every now and then I have evenings where I overthink EVERYTHING. They are the worst. You analyze every wrong and every move. I started to get worried about thi gs that people may judge me for. Then I thought about all the fun I am having and I started to stop giving a fuck again.
I think because I spent time with one individual who totally had judgey eyes about my new experiences and it just put me in a really bad place. I made the decision thay why should I give a fuck what anyone thinks when I am the only person I need to answer to.
I think media really has screwed me up. As I get older and start finding new places to actualize myself… I am growing each day with different experiences. I credit my new found self in reading sites like xojane.com. I feel empowered and I love it. Hopefully I wont havr another mini meltdown like yesterday
I had the most epic two weeks. I have had the most EPIC year. My mind is just blown with awesome oozing all over the place. Once of my best friends came to visit and we went all over the damn place. Atlantic City, Philly, and New York. Some of the details are mine to have and to hold forever. Sometimes you meet people and it’s the most random experience. They say words that move you and make you feel more alive. I have been feeling so ALIVE. More alive than I have ever felt. I am more secure in myself as a woman. I actually feel attractive a lot. I’m not full of myself or anything but i am starting to notice things really changing around me and i love it. I love this change. I was telling Leslie this weekend that I really feel like i’m on the cusp of some serious greatness. I’m out there seeing the world and experiencing things with great people. I swear it’s just going to keep getting better. Know why? People are seeing the real me. Some people are sticking around for the ride and some aren’t. That’s okay. It really is. Some people you just aren’t able to have in your life forever because things happen. Your lives can be separate continents and the drift can be too great. It sucks but you can just count on the good times and the stories. It’s all about the fucking story. The greatest ones are the ones you can’t make up. That’s how my life’s been lately. Between seeing the black keys last weekend and having epic weekend that just passed… I can’t fathom what’s next to come. Well I already know. Brooklyn in two weeks to see Christina and one of my musical obsessions Little Dragon. I turn 25 in October so I am sure to get weird for that because I am big on birthdays but the real celebration for it is a month later when I get to Vegas. While in vegas we’re gonna drive down to the Grand Canyon and just stare at pure greatness. I’m making shit happen this year. I told you all this here. I pretty much do as I say. I do what I wanna do and I wanna do it all.
and here is the picture that sums it all up!:
Oh, can I hold a grudge. I hate that. I hate that about myself. I will forgive but never, ever, forget. Once you’ve crossed me I’ll assume you’ll do it again. Sometimes I’ll allow you back in my life. Other times I will write you off completely. Never to speak of you again. Those instances are a rarity but they happen. I just feel like if you’re going to act that way towards me what is the point of even TRYING to be a friend? You’ll just continue to piss me off and I don’t need that negativity in my life. Call it immaturity. I call it self-preservation. I just cannot deal with it. My anger can be all consuming. Make me feel and think crazy things. I hate that about myself too. I can assume the worst sometimes too. These are some of my biggest downfalls. Some. Not all. I just have been shat on so much by people I thought were friends. Sometimes, out of posterity or a show of true remorse, I’ll allow them back in. things are never the same though. Never. You know why? Because I know how easy it is for them to do that to me the first time.
I am making a list of things I need to work on. So far self-esteem is trumping everything but grudge holding is a close second. Grudge holding and trying to talk out my issues instead of harboring the anger and having it turn into hate. I let hate really take a hold in my heart and it is a disgusting trait.
I’ve been really in rare form as of late. My emotions have been wacky and I’ve been super worried. My mother’s been in the hospital for the past week because of severe abdominal pain. They say it’s her intestines getting tangled in her scar tissue from her four c sections. They’re keeping her there to see if the pain subsides so they can do something else for her. So far no dice. They’re waiting for her to eat something too before the let her out. I hope its soon so she can come home. At least I had her blessing to enjoy the beach with two of my sisters Saturday. It’s funny because in Delaware we say we’re going to the beach but I’m originally from Philly and we’d always say we’re going to the shore. So when I go to Atlantic City at the end of the month I’m really going to the shore but this weekend I went to the beach because I went to Bethany Beach, Delaware. Let’s hope I can work on my goals this week to better myself as a person. The beach helped clarify my mind but I still worry like a crazy person.
Hopefully next post i’ll have my new header all set because my friend Brandi made a bitchin’ one because i am inept!
The night is the hardest for me sometimes. I get lost in the time… The time I have lost. The time I have wasted. I am scraping myself off of the floor and i’m trying to put myself on the canvas. I’m trying to paint myself a prettier picture of the future. I have tons to look forward too. I have the world at my finger tips but you all know what i’m missing. It isn’t fun to be the girl missing such a huge piece. A girl who NEVER had that piece. Some people forget that I have never even been in a relationship. I have never had a boyfriend. I’m clueless when it comes to relationship. No, that’s a lie. I know what NOT to do in relationships.
I am constantly concerned. I can’t pinpoint my exact worry but i’m constantly fretting. Especially when people say saying negative about what I am actually striving for.
I am just scared that I am not going to progress. I fear people think of me as a pathetic being instead of the strong woman I am aiming to be.