I’ve got friends in all the right places I know what they want and I know they don’t want me to stay

“Don’t wait for anyone,” she said, “The only thing that’s guaranteed to happen is losing precious time.”

I read those above words on thought catalog today and I was just in awe of its simplicity. It is true. Why wait for ANYONE?! I am in a great place in my life where I am not waiting for anyone. I’m not waiting for anyone to make moves because I don’t care. While it is lovely to kiss and be held it isn’t top priority at this moment. Getting my bills/finances in order is. Decorating my apartment is. Maybe because of this laissez faire attitude towards dating is why I am actually going on dates? Maybe because pof.com doesn’t completely suck as everyone thinks? I don’t know. I’m not searching anyone out. The profiles out there if anyone wants to drop me a line. If they seem interesting I reply. I love meeting new people and I think, at this point in my life, that should be what it’s all about. I’m not expecting to find the love of my life. I am just out there for new experiences and new stories to tell. Sometimes I feel like my world is so small and limited because of my time. I work anywhere from 48 hours a week to 65.   I work in a call center and a beauty store in the mall. How am I going to meet new people that way?

How did this post become so convuluted. I started with one measely quote and went off in some tangent. I don’t know. This week has been crazy. I moved into my own place and worked every single day except this past Sunday. I have come down with a cold and I am just tired all the time. So. Me. Focus on me. Stop waiting for people and just keep going down my own path toward enlightenment. 

(she’s) in love with the world and sometimes these feelings can be SO misleading

So since my last post I crossed the 25 years young threshold. I brought in the new year of life with amazing people and I am so thankful.
I have started my soul searching once more. I have realized that I am a mess and I need to clean myself up. I can’t organize my thoughts sometimes and I feel like I have to conquer so much at once instead of just doing one thing at a time.
My mind just cannot rest. I keep my eyes on all the prizes I could have and sometimes my vision gets cloudy.

Sometimes I really think I don’t even need a therapist. I know what is up with me. I know that I am scared sometimes. Just so damn scared that I won’t amount to nothing. That i’ll be a drone and never do what I want to do FOR REAL.
SO, I am doing an open mic night on the 20th. I am doing Joss Stone’s Fell in Love with a Boy. Step one ladies and gents. It’s a step. I am also dating. I have a legit date on Tuesday. I don’t know what’s going to happen. If he’s gonna see me and run for the hills because he can’t handle that I am of.. size? I don’t know what the HELL I am going to wear. Maybe this outfit:

I may wear my new boots that have a 2 inch heel. Homeboy is 6 feet tall so I think I’ll be ok with a tiny heel. I am nervous as all hell but honestly I have to do it. I have to get over the initial scary parts of it and just see what happens. I just need to get more comfortable with dudes. I can’t just keeping thinking they’re all going to hurt me eventually. That’s all I think. But am I wrong for being guarded? I don’t want to immerse myself into some guy and make him my everything when he’s just gonna be looking for something new the entire time. I am just trying to keep myself a step ahead of the situation. I think there is no reason not to try though. I am just gonna do that: try. But not too hard because then you look desperate, right?
Look, let’s be real here ya’ll. I’m meeting this guy from ok cupid. The internet dating bull shit has calmed down by now right? I mean for fucks sake it is a legit TAG on my favorite website for fucks sake. So that’s me being honest on mah blog. I have a date with a dude from the internet. Get the fuck over it. Met one of my best friends from the internet. She kinda rocks my world too. Check her tumblr out. Why is there such a negative connotation to internet dating? I don’t get it. I mean I do because I am still slightly embarrassed that I have an internet dating profile. Like just the other day a friend of my was bitching about POF.com and her friend commented you’re too pretty for internet dating. I know that person isn’t in the minority in thinking that either. If someone says that to me I have an answer lined up already. I would be like, uh, thanks and all but I’m already signed up because people I meet in person haven’t worked out. Boom. Either they play games, they take too FUCKING long to do ANYTHING, they just wanna fuck, they don’t wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship, they like your best friend, they like your sister, they are the complete opposite of who you are as a person(not talking musically here. REAL issues but if you can’t go to a festival or even one concert with me that is a real fucking issue), they’re shallow, they ask you via fb message to screw, they’re too far away, they’re in a relationship already… I think you get my point okay so no i’m not too pretty for internet dating.

I swear I’m not angry guys. Not even bitter. Just keeping it real. I am stronger for these realizations and it is all good.

Cupid draw back your bow and your let your arrow flow

 

My worst fear is being too comfortable in the here and now. TO just settle. . Shoot me if I ever say “yup, this is as good as it’s gonna get.” . I will always want more and strive to be better. Always. Is that wrong of me?I’m not saying I won’t be happy til I have a lambo. None of that.

I’m looking into going back to school. Probably online classse. I so want to get my writing career underway. I want to finish my novels ( I have two started at the same time. Don’t judge me) I want to follow my dreams and I fear a lot of people are secretly judging me for not staying still. I will never sit still. My head will always be filled with draems and sooner or later I will get more dreams crossed off my list as they will be completed.  I really am finding inner strength. My surgery has been my catalyst. It has let me know what I really want in life and how I can’t keep thinking; oh. I have tomorrow. Shit is never guaranteed. I wish I could be more risky with my heart though. To openly ASK someone I’m interested in on a date or if I find a dude attractive chat him up. That is something I definitely need to work on. Either that or pay for match.com. Yeah. I did the free trial. What up.  I know i’m not a 100% okay but I thank those of you who have continued to help me be okay. Those who are genuinely happy for my successes and don’t harbor jealousy towards me. It’s not worth it.  I want to move away from Delaware and start a new. Eventually. I want to become fluent in Spanish and I’m working on it thanks to bykli and my mom. Maybe i’ll take classes in that? I want to be someone inspiring. I want people to ask me for advice. That means getting my ass out of debt. I love my readers and the people who comment on my stuff.  I just want to hug each and every one of you.



Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around? Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you missed out?

I like being happy. I like going forward with plans that have a positive impact. I try not to wallow. I’ve been a wallower. I’m becoming a DOER..
I have been the uber emo. I have. From seventeen til about 20ish I would just see the glass half empty. “Shit’s never gonna get better” came out of my mouth like every day. I used to cut in high school as it is the RAGE at that age. I wanted to die at one point. I was in a facility for almost a month because I was a danger to myself. I failed my senior year because of my despair. Because I couldn’t find happy in shit.
After I turned 20 I had my bad days. I have had them recently too. But they are as rare as cheap and cute plus size costumes. (What i have been looking for all friggin’ evening)
Since I completed my sleeve gastrectomy I have been so much happier. People can see it. I may not be near goal weight yet but I am so excited that a healthy weight is close to my horizon. I have tons of work a head of me still but I am so excited for what life has to offer. I wish more people would see that.
There are so many people who are going through so much worse. I wish people would just buck up and just chill out. I love the it get’s better videos on you tube. I think every individual who gets down should watch them. You don’t have to be LGBT. They’re for everyone! I am trying my best to get my shit together. I’m working on getting fiscally, physically, and mentally together. Some times doing best for me is saying good bye to those who negatively affect you. I just don’t have much room for the bull shit anymore. I have been wronged in the past and I have forgiven but you know the saying “fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” This time I will not be as lenient.What’s that internet thing I see a lot? oh yeah: *kanye shrug*. (I guess its because Kanye West just doesn’t give a fuck.) I have learned a lot of peoples true identities in the past year.
I want to add that I appreciate all that have stuck by me and continue to support me. Things are going to change. People notice the change in me already and it isn’t just that my clothes are starting to hang off of me. They are starting to see the fire in my that was almost put out once I moved to Delaware. I have added lighter fluid to that fire and it’s going to burn even more with each day. Will you be suffocated by the smoke or will you be inspired to burn one of your own?

I’m at a crossroads. There was this fantastic quote my luv Violet retweeted earlier:

If you keep going down the same paths, you’ll keep arriving at the same destinations! Choose a more risky route!

We can’t keep doing shit the same way thinking that something is going to be magically different. That something’s going to change.
I’m making the changes. Are you guys with me on this?

My point is this (if I haven’t made myself clear because this post is so convoluted as per usual):
Life is too short to be standing in the back looking around. It’s too short. You gotta make a move or your gonna miss out. Yes, I just paraphrased Jimmy Eat World’s A Praise Chorus. Because that song is one of the greats and they’re so right. Besides;

I wanna fall in love tonight

; )

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness…

So it is so true.. I have a serious confidence problem. It’s not a secret and it sucks balls it’s me pretty much. I hate being overly sensitive too. Like little things embarass me immensely and I don’t know if people even realize how much hurt I feel when they do these little things. Like make fun of how I fidget in front of EVERYONE makes me feel like I am a handicapped person. I despise being put on the spot negatively. It makes me feel physically ill and I shut down. BLANK. I become my 17 year old depressed self. Rockford bound feeling. Its no bueno. I need to stop bringing that melodrama to work. I try not to be that way but its hard when i think everyone around me doesnt take me seriously as an adult. Sure, I am quirky in certain senses but I am not harming any one. Why make me look like a fool? Any tips to make my shell a little harder so I don’t shut down completely? I need to become braver and be less sensitive. I almost cried at work today for gods sakes over this dumb crap and I would’ve looked so silly. It’s my new job! I need to pull it together.

But any who I am having a girls night with my homies Brandi, Britney, and Brandy. Together we make B3K so it’s gonna be radder than rad. plus peep this:

that is my ticket to see paramore and tegan and sara. Can you say amazeballs because I totally can! So july kicks ass and I just need to control my inner demons. Tips would be helpful. Telling me to suck it up you whinny bitch is NOT helpful. JUST a fyi.

All around me new love and it makes me sad./If I imagine you, body next to another

I am just seriously enjoying some life man! I have had a rad summer so far full of friends, swimming, trips, and memories. Soon it’ll be filled with meeting friends for the first time, going to an epic concert, and EVEN more memories to last a life time. I even have a new job!I am not trying to brag by any means but I do my fair share of bitching in this blog and its nice to have some AWESOME things to talk about. I am still down about my friend’s mother that passed away. It’s affected me profoundly. Even though she wasn’t my age but she was young as hell. Way too young to go. This has taught me to live life to the fullest and just enjoy what is coming by. I have been doing my fair share of smiling lately and hoping hard core for the future.

Sure, I have been screwed over this summer. But I have been screwed over a million times before. That’s sucky to say how much I don’t trust men anymore but I don’t. I know first hand that most guys will cheat or lie and most girls just get on my nerves so I am so screwed if I ever want some romance in my life. I wonder if I am just waiting for some big gesture from some man. Fufill that movie fantasy. I know I speak of my lack of romance a lot and I apologize but it is a big part of who I am. Kinda like when people are in a relationship their significant other is their whole world. I just have me and no prospects in the future. I try not to get down about it. Keeping myself drama free. I have been saying my peace too. Making slight confrontations and that isn’t me. I am hardly a fighter but I will do what I have to. I..E. the many dramas at wawa. But I digress. I just want to be able to hold my head high as a woman and I still have my honor and all that mess. At least no one can label me a slut or anything crazy like that. Sounds lame that I cling to that status with my bare teeth but it makes me feel better to know that I have not lost my heart totally completely and fleetingly to some random ass dude thats just gonna end up breaking my heart any how. I think I really need a nice guy that likes me for how I look RIGHT now and then when I lose the weight loves me even more because I am healthy. But it’s gonna be forever and a day until that happens. I am sick of being single forrealsies. I don’t like being solo. I am ready for love and I am gonna be so good at it : ).

I am starting to love myself more too. Like, not to be all egotistical by any means, but taking more time to put some make up on in the morning regardless of who I think will see me. I like to enhance my *cough* kinda light brown eyes with a light swipe of eye shadow and water proof mascara. Nothing to dramatic at all just subtle prettiness. I think dressing up for work a bit helps. Feeling like you look nice helps the insides quite a bit! My co workers are all so lovely. I hope after training everything stays as awesome as it is right now. I hope I feel this happy there for a long time. I hope the rest of life catches up to me.

So this post is a medly of a mess. Bittersweet I guess. Just stuff that’s on my mind and whatever. Thanks for reading lovebugz.

It’s got my name on it And it’s just waiting there for me

I wanted to write two letters to myself in the increments of ten years. I wanted to write a letter to my twelve year old self and my 32 year old self. I want to always have these so I can read them in the future to remind myself of who I was and who I can be.

Dear my Twelve Year old Self,

Life can and will be hell. You’re probably staring out the window wishing you weren’t in this shitty state called Delaware but this is your home for at least the next ten years. When you first moved here you felt a twinkle of change and hope. Then they shot you down. The people who don’t care if they are tearing a young girl down they are just going to rip you one for no reason.
There are going to be moments when you feel like; “Why are they so mean to me?” and the answer is they are weak. They are weak, judgmental and easy to pick on those who are different. You may feel like you’re bigger than everyone else and you are. You are compared to everyone else and that’s okay. You’re normal in your own right. Don’t take solace in the food. That food won’t love you back even if it tastes so good. Trust me, you’ll thank me if you just don’t eat it. Ignore them the best you can or soak it in and save the anger for the justice. The justice that karma and time will give you. Those kids who picked on you won’t be doing much. They’re getting high while the kids they had too early are probably going hungry. They still live with their parents not because they want to but because they are strapped with felony charges and can’t get a job. This justice is better than killing them because I know you wish them dead.
Enjoy being twelve. Enjoy the friendship of your middle school friends and not worrying about what you have to deal with in the future. Love O-town freely and not give a damn what anyone thinks. Embrace your curls and don’t love too hard. You don’t love J—- he’s mildly cute, very tall, and sorta charming in that way. But I hate to break it to you dollface, he won’t ever care for you back. Maybe its the fact you’re too intense for twelve. Writing poems about boys are okay just don’t give it to them. It will scare them and be paper ammunition for later. He will probably make fun of you in front of his friends and that’s okay, really it is, he’s just a boy and that’s what they do. The other boys that year? They’re no good either so don’t cry over their sneers at your eager face. They want more than you’re willing to give anyway. Why break your heart so early? Be true to yourself and don’t give up. Try and seek the lighter moments and bathe in it. Keep writing your stories too and don’t lose that one the Boy Next Door because then I won’t go crazy looking for it now.

Love,

Your Future Self

p.s. Many of the people you talk to know will disappear or drift away. That’s part of life and you’ll be alright.

Dear My Thirty Two Year Old self,

Wow you’re in your thirties! I hope you aren’t living at home anymore. If you’re alone that’s cool. I hope you’re at least enjoying womanhood by dating copious amounts of men. Just don’t be a slut. Are you okay? Do you need help? If you do don’t be afraid to ask because you’re human. Being human means making tons of mistakes and you know that. Are you totally fabulously wealthy? Damn, must be nice! Make sure you share. Sharing feels good and gives you that warm fuzzy feelings right down to your toes. You know the feeling, right? Are you married? If you are damn I so didn’t think you could pull it off by getting your head out your ass and uncovering your shaded eyes to find a good man. If you are married make sure your man gets booty so he doesn’t go looking elsewhere. If he has cheated why are you still with him? Kick his ass to the curb even if that means being alone. Believe me I hate being alone right now but I know I have to get healthier before I meet a goody. I hope you kept up with your weight loss. If you didn’t are you at least HEALTHY? If not get it together bitch you hated your fat ass. Do you have kids? If you do make sure you remember being a kid. Be up front, honest, and open to everything. Watch Disney movies together but remind them there is tough times out there too. Love them unconditionally and remind them beauty is in everything. Remember you weren’t an angel so you know your way around a long car ride, okay? Take care of yourself and remember work isn’t everything; life is!

Love,

Your twenty two year old self

p.s. Don’t get so wrapped up in the future. The now is where it’s at. Love life girl and take a damn vacation.