afraid of the tongues that lash the truth// fear is so unbecoming

so guys I thought I’d lighten up. I have been content heavy with my opinions so I’ll lighten up. First look how rad I looked for halloween:

I was Katy Perry/ Punk rock princess. I had leggings with a black sweater dress and a hot pink shirt as well has a crown topped off with hot pink and white chucks.
But those extensions that i cut out of a wig was the best part and now I must have them forrealsies in my hair. But my dark hair is not nice to bleach products so we’ll see.
I totally punked out on the 30 day blog challenge. I was six days shy. Cop out to have a re-do tomorrow? Like start again on day 24?
Ah another note I have these silly crushes on two boys… I feel 13 again I swear. It’s childish to have these interests when they’ll go nowhere but a girl has to have something to dream to. I have been making headway on this other story I have been writing. I am hung up on the part to add the sex scene or not. I mean I want them to have said sex but since I have never had sex I feel like a phony writing about it. Sex is such a powerful and awesome thing in many shapes and forms and I feel its important for two people who are in a relationship to consummate that love so I want it in the book. Should I do a fade to black? We’ll see. I am skipping it for now but right now the story is at a lull. I am in a lull. Well, not exactly I have a great job and great friends and I did lose 2.8 pounds last week but damn I need to make that appointment for the lap band surgeon consultation. I need to get started. I was putting it off due to not having a lot of sick time because of my wisdom teeth thing but I am ready to start making those steps. It’s important to me. So, until later ladies and gents… I am going to play virtual families and then go see jack ass 3d!

I may look like a waste But I will never run in your race

There are many different shades to any Certified Fat Chick. There is the one in the crowd that says yes I am a big bitch. Take my fat ass and kiss it and screw any skinny bitch who gets in my way. Usually, at the bar, this will be my soul sister and we’d drunkenly sing Bad Romance with a cup in our hand. There’s the CFC that works the defensive line like its her bitch. The one who looks at any other CFC and be like WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LOOKING AT? I have encountered such defensive behavior at the mall once. The girl was with her man and clung to him for fear a man would leave her for any other girl. This girl may also say such things in ear shot of other CFCs like, “I’m bigger than her right?” I am serious as a heart attack about that. True story happened at the mall. There’s a reason behind her defensive behavior. While being such a tragic bitch she is putting up her armor and clinging to her man just because she’s so happy she has one. The Fear has her captured so that’s why I didn’t chuck a flat iron at her. I know about the Fear. It’s a reason why if I do get a wee bit close to any guy… I find something so wrong with him. I tend to turn him into a wanna be serial killer and I write him off. I write him off HARD. I will never be the defensive CFC like that though because I have made the determination to never date a guy until I am a healthier weight. I hate the way I look so much I was looking at the pictures from last nights fiesta and I threw up in my mouth a little. I looked like a full back ready to spring.
I cut out the others not because I don’t adore them it’s just I didn’t ask permission to post their faces on my blog so it’s just me. Looking like a full back. Urgh. Gross. So I don’t think I’ll be able to full accept my biggness and love my big ass budha belly in any way shape of form and date a dude. I mean seriously I can’t get as close as I want to a dude with that thing in the way. Sorry about that diatribe I was on a roll with my listing of CFCs. There’s the one who makes light of their weight in social settings when in all actuality bringing it to light is why the CFC is hurting and being a comedienne. I know that I fall into this girl quite often. I say things like “Now you know my big ass can’t fit in that car” or “DUDE, you can’t handle all of this.” Then we laugh or someone shakes their head and its done. It’s a defense mechanism in its own way. I think I, and other girls like me, say this things because we don’t want people to think that we don’t realize we’re huge. Like the ones we believe are talking shit on us in person or in our minds to think they have one over on us- we’re aware of our large situation. It can be humorous or just sad. You may be thinking that my whole blog is falling into this category but in truth this is more of my domain. I am what I am and I have fessed up to it to a point so you can understand what I deal with on a day to day basis and to understand my demons. I have a lot of funny and mean demons. Sometimes I can be the awesome CFC. The one with such joie de vivre that I can just be. It’s hard to get there. Sometimes it involves alcohol or sometimes it’s just when I am at a show rocking out or with my favorite people. Now, don’t get on some kick that I am some crazed alchy that has to drink to have fun. This is NOT the case. I like to drink but I am not some crazed party broad. I like being drunk sometimes but I don’t NEED it all the time to feel normal. It helps in some cases and others it back fires and I can be the CFC who is a poor as me broad. They’re the WORST kind of CFCs. This Certified Fat Chick becomes the “no one wants me” CFC. Shit gets annoying and pathetic fast. It’s never attractive and it can lead to lost friendships and broken relationships. Each CFC has this girl inside her. Hell, even normal and skinny girls have this person inside them. It’s an ugly that we all want to avoid. I am trying to do better at seeing this girl way less. There are times where I can be sooo overtly honest about my weight. I can be all like “legit. I won’t find a guy thats normal that wants me this way. He’ll be flawed in some way that’s dangerous. He’ll cheat on me.” But is this a fact or is this my own insecurity eating at me? Well, I believe its the latter because I do know some BBW or ex BBWs who have a man and he loves them or loved them when they were big. So, I can’t spit on the faces of those beautiful exceptions. See how I am so programmed to believe they are exceptions? That I’ll die alone being my weight or with some second rate man who’ll leave me so quick or be a creepy sword collector or want me to sit on him. I have encountered the creepy skinny guys who like the feeling of being crushed and thats why they want a bigger girl. Gross, right?
What’s awesome right now is I have health insurance. I am going to get that lap band. I am going to start getting some weight off again on my own first with weight watchers… yet again so I can get a lower BMI so I won’t have to get the gastric. I really, really, really, don’t want the gastric. I don’t want that much of a major surgery. I am not knocking those who have at all. It’s just not what I want. I have done so much research and asked EVERYone who’s had either of those surgeries a lot of questions and I feel like this life changing procedure can save me from killing myself one pound at a time. I’ll have to give up some serious bar time- or actually save a lot of money by just having one drink and being buzzed- but it’s all good. My weight is more important. The w.w. thing? I actually have a partner to go with that’s just as big as I am. Some one who has to lose a substantial amount of weight so I think having a partner like that will help. Until next time ya’ll…

That’s the road that’s the load that’s the role I’ve been down I’ve been down I’ve been down down

I have been a shitty blogger as of late. I had big news I just didn’t want to blog it yet in case of jinxage. I am, unfortunately, one of those people that believe in the ‘if it’s too good to be true it probably is’ aspect of life.

Well, I should fear no longer now since today was my first day in my brand spanking new job! APPLAUSE X2! LOL I am soo happy. It seems like a great company with great pay, benefits, and recognition for doing well. The people there are all super nice and welcoming. I am going to be a customer service associate for a healthcare company. They seem to be doing well too so I don’t think it’s a job I’ll be losing due to down sizing. I asked that question during the interview just in case.

Due to this new job I have put in my two weeks at the job that is the bane of my existance. GOOD BYE PATHMARK I WON’T MISS YOU ONE DAMN BIT! July first will be my last day there and I sooo can’t wait. Everyone’s pure unhappiness with the job there just leaks into your pores giving you a sense of dread as soon as you clock in. I hate it there. It’s the equivalent of getting your tooth pulled with no novacaine. I feel like such an adult now. Making real dollars with my own benefits. I am glowing with happiness- truly!

I’ll be able to take steps towards the realize/lap band now. I truly want to do that surgery. Oddly enough a fellow(brand new) co-worker just shared with me that she had the procedure done about 6 months ago and has lost a total of 60 pounds. Pretty sweet because I had only lost 25 pounds in five months. I like the fact that weight loss is gradual because I really don’t know if the excess skin removal would be covered after I lose all the weight and I will be damned if I am a good size and have to tuck in my tummy flap-feel me? I really feel like this procedure will be good for me. I am tired of being big. It’s not like I am getting this surgery as a way out either. I am doing this because I have tried losing weight au natural for years and I haven’t had the greatest success. I am tired of being heavy and feeling so unattractive and down on myself that I doubt every move I make. I realize this is not a quick fix but it will help my attitude immensely as well as improve my health.

My confidence is soo shot to hell I can’t even tell if someone is flirting with me. My wifey boo aka sister in crime has to point it out and I am all about saying pshaw he’s just being nice or hes joking. I always assume they’re joking to poke fun at the big girl or just trying to boost a big girls shriveled ego. It pains me to feel this way. I know it’s lame but to talk about my middle school years but in 8th grade I was madly enraptured with this boy and as a dare he hugged me. It made my year(I said pathetic) until someone informed me that “You know —– was dared to do that right?” I WASN’T EVEN HEAVY THEN JUST A CURVY 13 YEAR OLD! How society fucks you up! So I assumed there was something wrong with me from the beginning of the “dating” years. Letting people step all over me making me feel like shit so I consumed every thing in site bringing me to the creature I am today.

I wish some people would understand how not every big person is this tragic mess. I am not a tragic mess- I didn’t become fat because I am a slovenly and gluttenous. I have real psychological issues and I am dealing with the messy bits in between. I wish people were kinder to people of my size. It’s hard for me to stomach skinny or healthy women bitching about how disgusting fat people are because that is a generalization. I do not consider myself disgusting. I consider myself a major work in progress. You don’t know what goes through each persons mind or each persons background to just assume if a person is big they are selfish because they don’t want to put down the big macs on whoppers. Any whooo I guess this happy blog turned into a rant but I hadn’t blogged in forever. I’ll try and update tomorrow to keep the ball rolling. I miss blogging.

Been killing me for days and days it seems But the truth is the thing I fear I just don’t understand

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world”- my fortune cookie. What does the cookie know what I weigh?

This a happy post and a dramaish post. Not really dramaish but… another one of those brutally honest posts. If you’re my friend you’ll prob get pissed off so I am apologizing ahead of time. Okay? Kay.

Cool news; today I had taken a test for this job as a customer service rep for this company and I passed. It was a typing and customer service quiz and I did well and was asked for another interview tomorrow. I am super psyched because I make zero money at my current part time job so hopefully I’ll be able to get this job and take care of my monetary situation so I can get out of my parents house and be a grown up : )

I have been doubting myself with everything lately because I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been able to afford the measely twenty bucks for it. I have to pay it today though because I have been pretty depressed with my weight and looks situation. I don’t even want to get on a scale and see how much I have gained. I seriously don’t. I am not going to weight watchers either and that was a great support system but twelve dollars a week is quite a bit when I only make one hundred a week. A hundred a week. At twenty two its pretty miserable to see that amount. My sister was on unemployment and made almost twice that a week. But at least I have a job! : )

I have come to a major decision on my weight this week. I have decided as soon as I have health insurance I am getting the Realize band. The Realize band is the same as a lap band which is a small band they put around your stomach to strict your intake of food. It helps you feel satisfied faster and with smaller portions of food. I had gone to a consultation last year and I wanted to do it but I lost my insurance once I hit twenty two and that was last October.Another big thing was the fact I can’t drink very much alcohol but alcohol isn’t worth my true happiness and health is it? I strived to lose the weight all on my own but I have two hundred pounds to lose. 2 double 0. It’s disgusting! Yeah, I had lost twenty five pound but it took five months. My health will just keep getting worse and I want to feel better about my self sooner. My best friend Toya is a strong believer that I should love myself as I am but how can I love myself when this is the size I am not supposed to be? I feel so ugly being this size. An unwanted size that can’t fit anywhere comfortably. I have to pay extra for my clothes due to the extra material and I never feel cute in them. Ugh. Size 24/26 ? GROSS! I just feel sooo unattractive! It’s gotten to the point that even if a guy asked me out on a date or wanted to be my boyfriend I would say no. Well, thats a lie, I’d say yes and be a total paranoid freak the entire time. Thinking; there must be something wrong with him to want me. Oh, he’s just going to cheat on me and find someone smaller. It sucks to be so insecure but like my friend Leslie says; “if you don’t like it fix it.” I am trying to fix it. The best thing for me now is to get the Realize band and lose weight a bit faster. About loving myself now… I do have to live in this big body and it was helping when I was going to the gym. Like I felt more confident but not 100%… It’s just hard sometimes. Like I desire love and a relationship like every other girl but I am realistic to realize it’s not going to happen anytime soon. It sucks but it’s true. Its like I am soo ready for failure I nit pick at any guy that has ever taken a small bit of interest. I am just sooo not loving myself and I think thats a big issue. Plus I always think long term. I don’t dive into things I don’t just think willy nilly frivolous. I have never had frivolous high school relationships. I would put my whole heart into it. That’s just how I am. I don’t have a heart tattooed on my sleeve(wrist) for nothing.Plus guys at my age are verrry shallow. Even when I was wayy smaller dudes made fun of me soo hardcore they shaped me into this blubbering rejected mess. I trust no man and second guess myself with every dude. I am awkward around men I like and its sad. It’s really fucking sad.

Sometimes I am overly hard on myself but I’d rather be hard on myself than have someone else make fun of me and tear me down. I’m pretty low to floor as it is I don’t want anyone to bring me sub basement level. What hurts even worse is when I was 14-17 I wasn’t even that big. I just felt I was so big because all of my friends were so much smaller. Like 90-115 smaller. I weigh 180-220 during those years at the heigh 5’8 which wasn’t even that bad. I could’ve lost 40 pounds quickly but instead I dived into food and became so depressed instead of accepting my differences. I was a curvy girl and now I am a certified fat chick. COULDA WOULDA SHOULDA, HUH? Take note of my failures, young ones, I have a loooong road ahead of me now. Wish me luck.

Happy Holidaysish

My last post was slightly depressing. Okay, totally depressing.  But thats how i feel sometimes and you know what thats why this is my blog.   I woke up at 4 today so i didn’t sleep forever. I ate some bk.. no good no good… but atleast i got out the house for other things other than WORK. I have stumbled upon some awesome blogs in my travels. I don’t want to link them with out permission but they know who they are. I mean Dan, my Brandy and Brandi are linked on the right and they are studependous to the max.  Check them out when you get a chance. but there are other blogs that are pretty awesome another one with a girl with weight issues just like me! I was like whoa! A girl I can relate too. She just finished getting the lap band surgery so shes kinda my hero right now. I can’t get that surgery right now due to no health insurance. Believe me ishes I’ve looked into it. It just takes pretty much 6 months to a year to get it all set up and I had my consult at the end of april; my insurance went away on my 22nd birthday in October.  So I have to do it on my own for now. Which is what you have to do ANYWAY. I mean the surgery is not a quick fix its a total lifetime change and you never really eat the same again. So chyeah let me tell you bk is not on the menu! So its seven and i really still don’t feel well so im going to fit in another nap before work at twelve.  heres my new holiday pic i love x-mas time!