Sometimes I feel like I am at a standstill and then other times I just feel like I am perpetually moving toward my doom. What I s my doom? Utter collapse into adult hood. What Is adulthood? Marriage? Kids? Trapped in the same job for the next 40 years? Real life is scary lol.
I say I want love and every thing but even the tiny rejections break a piece of me off. Maybe I’m better off alone. Maybe I can’t handle love and all that it entails. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I can go any where I want. But if I were to get Into a relationship the guy would know all that because he’ll know in the long run that I’m a crazy, flighty, bird.
I am going to need someone that says: “ I don’t want to put you in a cage, I want to love you.” (Breakfast at Tiffany’s at its finest.)
Boom perfect I love you. No cages for me. I know it is strange for me to be this way at this point but things are really starting to get so much better for me. I feel more attractive and I feel pretty. Sure there are times where I’m like; “what’s this broad got that I don’t got? Is it because she’s skinny? “ Then I’ll just think more into it and realize I obviously don’t want to be with any one like that. I don’t ever want to be with someone who says one thing and does the other. I know I can be a tiresome woman but I am always honest. I am honest to a complete fault. Because people don’t necessarily need to know everything. Mystery is necessary. I don’t need to tell a guy who obviously doesn’t want to be with me that I have feelings for him because it doesn’t matter. It won’t change his mind when he tells me i’m not the one that eh’s going to choose . Why harp? I think it’s because I like to punish myself. I like a reminder that this is going to happen all the time. Maybe I should also commend myself on my honesty because who is really this honest anymore? Who?
On much different and less heavy notes July is gonna be one bitchin’ month.
I’m going to the firefly festival in Dover Delaware and I am going to be seeing 311 the week after. Know who I’m seeing 311 with? My best friend Leslie from Nashville! She’s coming into Philly for a visit. We’re going to hit up Atlantic City so she can say she went to the Jersey Shore I’m so happy. I am. I know things are complicated and not everything is where it’s supposed to be but I think things are getting so much better. I do. I think with more weight loss (oh yeah, another pound down booya) and the travelling I am feeling more like my real self. My real self is a girl that loves to live life and now that I am so much healthier I am able to do that. The fall is going t o be amazing too! I am the maid of honor in my friend’s Dana and nicks wedding, I’m going to little rock Arkansas to see red hot chili peppers, and November I’m going to Vegas. I bust my ass with two jobs so I can do these things. It’s just me I have to do it up while I can. So cheers to happiness and hoping I never get caged.