I can’t help it baby this is who I am. Sorry I just can’t turn off how I feel.

I don’t know of moments. I don’t know of being held and cherished. I don’t know of fingertips on lips. I don’t know of it. I don’t know what it’s like to have fingers tangled in hair. I don’t know what it’s like to be caressed like it means something. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love. To be REALLY in love. I don’t know what it’s like to lose an hour with someone you care about LIKE THAT. I don’t know what it’s like to really stare into someone’s eyes and click. I don’t know what its like to be irrevocably loved. I don’t know where i’ll be in five years. I don’t know if I want to share. I don’t know if they’re worth it. I don’t know if madness and emotional disarray will ever be out of my head. I don’t know if hope is always worth it. I don’t know how to be positive 100% of the fucking time. I don’t know what feeling small in someone’s arms feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to trace the freckles on someones back. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly needed. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone fully.

I know of loneliness in a full house
I know of jealousy
I know of UNcertainty
I know of rejection

Action Needs an Audience

I make shit happen. I make it happen. I know there are not all aspects in my life that are in order but I have made tremendous steps to get myself in the right direction. Save my life by getting bariatric surgery? Check. Follow the rules and lose 83 pounds? Absolutely. Lose 100 more and be the healthiest weight I’ve been in since I was 13? It’ll happen this year. BECAUSE I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. I will not be a victim anymore. I am going to find my strength. I am going to find the woman thats in there and so help any one that stands in my way. I am very serious. No more negativity. I am so over it. It’s SO 2011. I will not wallow in past pain but use the pain, the rejection, the abuse as a catalyst for change. Forget guys and focus on ME. I will be mildly selfish. I will get it done. I will get a car by March. I wil have my debts paid off by my birthday. I will get my ass in gear to love myself so whole heartedly that I’ll need to get a room. Okay, that was weird. But seriously instead of focusing so much on the fact that I am alone I should focus on just getting hot for myself. Feeling sexy and owning the hell out of it. I won’t ever be a size under 9/10, nor do I want to be, but to own the healthy weight I am supposed to be and enjoy the ever living shit out of it. I have 17 pounds to go before I am finally at my first 100 pounds lost. Why will I let some DUDE define me as a woman? Just because they don’t want ME doesn’t make my accomplishments any less amazing. I am a beautiful woman whether the guys I like think so or not. I probably am not their cup of tea and that really is okay. It has to be okay because there HAS to be someone out there that will compliment my craziness and find me beautiful no matter what weight I am. That is a true man. So what if I haven’t met anyone bold enough, brave enough, MAN enough… and maybe I haven’t been ready for whatHAS come my way. I will be. I am being no nonesense and you’re either with it or you’re not. I have been working on my stronger self since April of this year when I decided to get my ass in gear to lose the weight. Let me continue my pursuit of happiness as I head into 2012. Let me raise my head high and be proud. Take all the compliments in stride and KNOW they’re right. Can you believe I answer some compliments with ” yeah, but I have so much more to lose?” Ridiculousness.That will stop. I’m not saying I am going to be cocky I am just going to start giving myself some freaking credit. I will stop being so hard on myself. I will continue to work hard on bettering myself as a whole person and take risks and not look back at shoulda coulda woulda. Are you with me?

Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around? Are you gonna waste your time thinkin’ how you’ve grown up or how you missed out?

I like being happy. I like going forward with plans that have a positive impact. I try not to wallow. I’ve been a wallower. I’m becoming a DOER..
I have been the uber emo. I have. From seventeen til about 20ish I would just see the glass half empty. “Shit’s never gonna get better” came out of my mouth like every day. I used to cut in high school as it is the RAGE at that age. I wanted to die at one point. I was in a facility for almost a month because I was a danger to myself. I failed my senior year because of my despair. Because I couldn’t find happy in shit.
After I turned 20 I had my bad days. I have had them recently too. But they are as rare as cheap and cute plus size costumes. (What i have been looking for all friggin’ evening)
Since I completed my sleeve gastrectomy I have been so much happier. People can see it. I may not be near goal weight yet but I am so excited that a healthy weight is close to my horizon. I have tons of work a head of me still but I am so excited for what life has to offer. I wish more people would see that.
There are so many people who are going through so much worse. I wish people would just buck up and just chill out. I love the it get’s better videos on you tube. I think every individual who gets down should watch them. You don’t have to be LGBT. They’re for everyone! I am trying my best to get my shit together. I’m working on getting fiscally, physically, and mentally together. Some times doing best for me is saying good bye to those who negatively affect you. I just don’t have much room for the bull shit anymore. I have been wronged in the past and I have forgiven but you know the saying “fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” This time I will not be as lenient.What’s that internet thing I see a lot? oh yeah: *kanye shrug*. (I guess its because Kanye West just doesn’t give a fuck.) I have learned a lot of peoples true identities in the past year.
I want to add that I appreciate all that have stuck by me and continue to support me. Things are going to change. People notice the change in me already and it isn’t just that my clothes are starting to hang off of me. They are starting to see the fire in my that was almost put out once I moved to Delaware. I have added lighter fluid to that fire and it’s going to burn even more with each day. Will you be suffocated by the smoke or will you be inspired to burn one of your own?

I’m at a crossroads. There was this fantastic quote my luv Violet retweeted earlier:

If you keep going down the same paths, you’ll keep arriving at the same destinations! Choose a more risky route!

We can’t keep doing shit the same way thinking that something is going to be magically different. That something’s going to change.
I’m making the changes. Are you guys with me on this?

My point is this (if I haven’t made myself clear because this post is so convoluted as per usual):
Life is too short to be standing in the back looking around. It’s too short. You gotta make a move or your gonna miss out. Yes, I just paraphrased Jimmy Eat World’s A Praise Chorus. Because that song is one of the greats and they’re so right. Besides;

I wanna fall in love tonight

; )