I dig my toes into the sand. The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.

sometimes a woman needs to get perspective. So that’s what I’m doing today; getting perspective. I am heading to the beach for a few hours. I need a reminder that there is a whole big world out there and the shitty feelings i’m feeling right now are pretty much lame compared to the big picture. I am so sick of getting down when I get rejected . I am so sick of it. skinny people get rejected all the time. While it is true that the main issue men have with me is committing to a relationship with a woman who is bigger I should just brush them off as cowards. Cowards because they lie. They’ll tell me one thing… and then do another. I don’t want the bull shit. I just wish I could just shut off the emotions I have. i wish i Could all my friggin heart. Since that’s not happening any time soon i’m going to the each today. I am going to shut my eyes and dig my toes in the sand.

I’m only 23 for another hour give or take, I’m a fan or yours and I need a good mistake.

It’s my 24th on October 3rd. Which is tomorrow or if I time this right to go in line with this killer Incubus lyric a few hours from now.
Random bits about the year:
I took more risks this year. By getting this surgery I took a risk of going under the knife to get my life on a better track. I always bitched about my weight and I have tried everything to get it under control. This so far has been the best way to do that. I am so proud of myself and I can’t wait for more time to pass so I can get healthier!
I was able to meet my Aussie friend Dan and he’s just the best. Honest. I had so much fun that month he was here. We clicked so much. He’s mah homie for life now.
I was able to see relationships crumble, crash, and burn so now I know what I really want. This year made me realize that I gotta take more chances and give people the benefit of the doubt. I can’t always assume the worst. I will say: at the first sign of real trouble I will say peace out boy scout.
I got closer to people and became more distant with people. Life happened and I have learned that living in the past is now way of living.
I learned that I have a great life to look forward too and there is no one to stop me.
So that was my little post about this year. Short but I am not totes mcgotes inspired.

we all have someone that digs at us at least we dig each other

I know I kinda fail at posting anymore. It’s not because I haven’t felt like blogging its just I have had these things to say but to write them down… It just didn’t fall into place.
I have been working full time and I just get home and I’m like thinking a mile a minute and I’m just ARGH.
I have been out of my mind too with frustration. This blog was made to remind myself of what I need to do. What I need to do is lose some serious weight. 100+ pounds serious. My readers/friends know that. I had started this blog last January with every intent of making it to next year 100 pounds lighter. I’m right back where I started from and I have accomplished nothing. With that? I am frustrated.
I look back at this year and I want to kick my own ass so hard. So that is what I am doing. Kicking my own ass.
I shelled out some big bucks for personal training once a week at the gym. Don’t scoff at once at week. Its truly a lot of money. I have to start small and once a week + going to the gym on my own three other days a week. Do able. Tonight was my first session and I really feel so weak. I was no where near pushed as hard as people on biggest loser but I feel like I accomplished a lot. I did squats, push ups, curls, stepping (which is sooo so so hard gah) and this heavy ball thing. I was pushed and kept positivity in my heart. Even though towards the end I just started to cry… I couldn’t explain it maybe the adrenaline or the frustration of being so large that this was so hard for me. But I gotta keep in mind that I am helping myself. I am helping myself by doing this. SIGH. Now that I’m starting my exercise I need to start eating correctly again. Thats really hard for me because I’m a food addict to the fullest. I just want to be happy. Being happy and healthy go hand and hand with me. I don’t want to be a stick I just want to be at a healthier weight. I just want to thank my trainer so much (she knows who she is ) for keeping positivity in my heart. This year I am doing this. I am going to Florida in July and Memorial day weekend I’m trying my damnedest to visit Leslie in Tennessee and I refuse to buy an extra ticket for my plump butt right now. Thanks for the support and love guys.