Are you laughing at or with me?/Don’t put your money where your mouth is, baby We don’t wanna see you choke

I haven’t blogged in awhile because I wanted to allow myself to calm down. I had gotten “attacked” via facebook message that the person didn’t even have the balls to message me. She message my friend It went on to say that I was a man stealing whore and a fat waste of life. That the guy who KISSED me just felt bad for me because I was so fat and desperate. That I walk around thinking my shit don’t stick around town flaunting my fat ass.They also warned me to not go to Main Street(LEGIT IF YOU DON’T KNOW DELAWARE IT’S JUST A STREET IN COLLEGE TOWN WITH A COUPLE OF BARS AND ROWDY COLLEGE KIDS. FUN IN THE SUMMER LAME WHEN SCHOOLS IN) ever again because they’ll approach me.
Really? Didn’t high school end almost FIVE YEARS AGO?!
I was bent outta shape on this b.s for five seconds because I honestly don’t want problems. I am not “afraid of my own shadow.” I have proven my psycho worth plenty of times at wawa when GROWN men came at me. I highly doubt this, most likely, skinny girl will be a problem unless she FIGHTS dirty. But let’s be honest she didn’t approach me at the bar. She “warned” me over facebook. But who really wants to go to jail when I am getting my life together? Full time job, saving money, and doing me. It’s pathetic that people resort to such mindless ways to attack people. Obviously this girl has some serious time on her hand to make a fake facebook up to attack me. It’s nice to know I am just THAT important. Also, if I WAS supposedly all over your friends man this night over a month ago why didn’t you approach me then? Instead you choose to make up a face book with this crazy name and message my friend because she’s tagged in my pictures. Psycho much? It makes me feel really good to know that so much thought goes into your life about me since you messaged my friend 25 days after that night. A whole month of plotting over big ol me? The worst thing you can say about me is I am fat.. Which let’s be honest I do need to lose but if you knew me and rad my blog since over a year ago I want to lose an have been wanting to lose since wayyy before this so it won’t be around for much longer. As for man stealing whore? What a joke. I DO not walk around like my shit don’t stink I may exude a type of confidence you think a big girl shouldn’t have and that’s a shame that if you’re so happy with YOURSELF you have to take it out on a supposed easy target. If this girl is a fake friend from high school and they are stalking me by engaging in shit talk with people who knew me then you must be so upset that I barely know you that you have to fabricate this story. If this guy who DID come on to me at the bar( I am ordering a drink and he puts his arms around me. Me initiate this? Negative) and he has a girlfriend then he needs to be the one you’re mad at. If you think that I knew this guy all over me has a girlfriend you’re out of your mind. People aren’t tagged single or taken and this dude was acting supremely single. Not that I even remember who this guy is it was dark I was drunk… I am young and having fun. And if you have supposed pictures of me looking “sloppy”, which lets be honest I totally was, I have facebook pictures that are probably less flattering than what you have. To call me a whore is pretty funny because anyone who knows me KNOWS I am still a virgin and I sure as hell ain’t afraid to admit it. And p.s. that was the first guy I kissed in forever! Craziness! Oh, and then she throws out there that “the rumor through out the bar is she likes girls” am I suppsoed to be upset about this? Really? If I did like girls is this supposed to be this terrible thing? Basically you’re a homophobe saying being a lesbian or bi thing is something to attack a woman for. So I ONE up this crazy person in a million ways and there fore if they’re trying to scare me into not going out anymore is clearly ridonkulous. But seriously to call me out that I am fat…
Take a look at this header. Do you think I don’t know?? Do you think you hurt my feelings stating the obvious? The only “waste of life” I see is someone who takes the time to make a fake facebook to attack a fat girl through her friends message boards.

Free- is all that she could bleed That’s why’ll she’ll never stay

Man I have a headache. I woke up uber late because I was having these amazing dreams about these guys I have been rejected by. Rejected, made fun of, laughed at- all that because I liked them. It’s funny because in high school? I wasn’t even THAT big. I was big to society’s standards. Seriously, I was about 180 my sophomore year.
I was probably 200 there because that was my junior year. It was the first year I was playing field hockey so it was “freshman friday” because it was my first year I got written all over my face. So anyway, I look at this picture and it pisses me off. Why did I let everyone get to me about my weight ?I wasn’t that heavy! All I could think of was how boys didn’t like me so something was wrong with me dadadada DUH! So I let my emotions go fucktard and ate. I ate myself into 167 pounds in less that four years. It’s funny how I’d kill to be that size again. I let peoples judgements get the best of me instead of just letting it be. I could have lost the twenty or so pounds to go down to a normal, healthy, weight but instead I developed SEVERE depression and in short tried to end my life at just seventeen. I went to a “hospital” for a time, was prescribed welbutrin xl, and was given some serious therapy. Some help was more helpful than others. Honestly, I still have some hardcore issues. Some days I want to die because it seems like life is just going to get worse, stress is going to get worse, and I am not equipped to handle it. I make a shitty adult and have yet to make real adult decisions. I make hardly any money, I don’t have a car, I have zero in savings, destroyed credit,I live at home with my parents, and I can’t find a job in the field I graduated from. So it’s at moments when all of that hits me,and I realize I am going to be 23 this year, that I feel like it will all be easier if I just died. But it’s a selfish notion. I need to go back to therapy and have someone help me sort out my mess. Give me a ray of sunshine on my cloudy days. I can’t believe my parents were married with a house at my age. I feel like a dumb ass! I have never even been in a relationship before let alone thought of being married! There are days, like today, when all I want is someone to hold me and whisper sweet things to me. Guys, I am straight, but it’s come to the point if a woman wants to be my companion I would give it a shot. But then it gets to the part of feeling that kind of attraction and I just don’t feel it. I want the masculinity of a man’s touch and love. You can’t help what you feel. This is all I am feeling before breakfast so go fucking figure. What do you guys think? What helps when you guys feel lost? Any single guys out there that doesn’t mind a fatty that’s going to lose this weight? I am like a fixer upper. Put some investment in me for a year and I’ll be a certified hot chick. Real Estate gold!

Somebody to love

ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS Queen’s Somebody to Love done by glee

There is truly something magical about Glee. It represents every type of person. Especially the big girl belter which is what I love because I am a CFC and seeing a beautiful, talented, larger female in the media makes me smile. Watching this show reminds me a lot of my high school life. I was in chorus, show choir, and musicals so naturally I took a shine to Glee. It’s hilarious and honest. I love it so much.
I was off today so I decided to try out this slow cooker my parents have it’s soo cute look :

In it I have a boneless(skinless) chicken breast with some honey, crushed pineapple, and a little bit of pineapple juice. I am very excited about this venture. As my side dish I am going to have l.f. cous cous. I never had couscous before so I am hoping its yummo. This weekend I had chinese food. I went to the mall for the first time in a month and I went starving( very bad idea) so I had grilled bbq chicken and white rice. I really hope I didn’t eff up my whole week. The thing was I didn’t get a chance to go to the gym this weekend so I am gonna have to go HARDCORE these next four days. I want another 5 pounds lost dammit. I am addicted to seeing these numbers drop. I can’t let my cravings get the best of me. I can’t indulge in that way anymore. Summer is coming and so is the rest of my life. I want to go to an amusement park this summer and actually get on rides. Did you know that my fat ass can’t fit on those rides? I swear most embarrassing day of my life last year trying to get on several rides at six flags. So changes are occurring. I just wish it was presto changeo but that’s not life. It’s all about the struggle and the climb.
On another note, those of you who follow me on twitter know how torn up I was about the leaving of Conan O’brien. I actually used hash tags (which I almost NEVER do unless Johnny Depp related haha) saying Team Coco, Conando, conester, and so on. I love Conan O’brien. One of my top ten celebrity crushes fo sho! He’s funny and an honest to goodness good guy. I absolutely LOATHE Leno, I think he is so not funny, so when I found out he was going to go back to 11:30 and shaft my Conan out of the tonight show I was pissed as were many other people. He chose not to stay with the network so now whatever happens to our beloved Conando is up in the air.
He was such a class act on his last episode too. That speech brought me to tears. go to the 3:12 minute mark to check out his heart warming speech.
I whole heartedly agree with the whole stop being cynical thing. We all get that way sometimes and it truly gets us no where. To be a good person is where it’s at. I am going to strive to be a good person. I donated some clothes to charity last year, gave money to haiti this year, and I am going to donate some books to the library too. I wanna try and do what I can to be a better person and no obsess with the negative. It gets us no where. So here’s to positivity. Although I will still totally bitch about rude ass customers because they deserve the hate.
* so nbc, being the dicks they are, took down this lovely you tube vid of my conando. I guess you gotta visit their site to check it out.
p.s. When you leave me a comment? I ALWAYS reply. Well, almost always. So always check back for my replies if you’re curious.

not exactly FETCH


me in high school in my wrecked car before the wreck obvs. psh barely had a double chin then && i thought i was BIG then!

Hmm. This is going to be a very personal blog… maybe one I shouldn’t post but I don’t keep a diary and this is kinda like that. Except people read it. I mean its not gonna be LIKE THAT. I really don’t have awesome secrets like that but I just wanna put this out there because I’ve been thinking about it all day….

I’ve only kissed one guy sober. Maybe three others NOT. But the one sober guy? He was my only love. I admit this now when I neve

r do. It was soo high school. Soo tragic. Soo lame. He never wanted me. We<i> were</i> friends. It’s all kindsa complicated I’m sumamrize it this way. I wanted him like a fat kid wants cake and he just wanted to be friends but he went along with shit SOMETIMES.  Feel meh? But the way I loved him was I’d do anything for him. I’d love him so much I’d hate him for not wanting me in that way. I never understood that sometimes you just don’t like people like that. No matter <b>what</b>. Especially in high school when things are about status  && looks. He’ll never admit that this affected his decisions on dating me but I have come to this conclusion.  Why kiss me when no one was looking then? Why kiss me at all if you didn’t want to? I admit.. the first time it happened, my first kiss, I ASKED him to. But he could’ve said no, right?  I don’t know why I am thinking of this person right now. I havent seen him in well over a year. He’s in a commited relationship and I don’t think I really remember what he looks like.  But i remember how he  tastes. The thrill in my stomach when i think of him. I want something else to take this place of that  feeling. I worry this feeling is what has caused me to over eat sooo much this year. To know i truly lost him. We’re not even friends anymore and we were really really good friends. I wish there was someone else out there for me. I wish someone wanted to touch me NOW… even if it is when no one is looking. Isn’t that sad?? But anyway. I am just saying I’m 22 now. I met him when i was sixteen. Shouldn’t I be over this now? Or is this all only because I havent found anyone else to fill in the hole in my heart?