Always weigh what I’ve got against what I left

Look, before you watch this video… It’s not about me crying out for help. It’s not about me begging for kind words. It is not about e-mailed optimism. Even though I love kind words and optimism. It’s just… A wake up call. I am always brutally honest when it comes to myself. This is just another part that honesty. I warn you it’s seeing me at my worst and it’s not flattering. But as I say at the end of the video this is for ME. For me to have on record before I go off the deep end again how it hurts to feel this way. Why I am doing this in the first place, why I am blogging and my ultimate goal. I don’t even want to post the picture of my weight gain. It’s 2.2 pounds and I am very ashamed of myself.

I pressed stop prematurely but I really didn’t have much else left to say. I haven’t watched it yet. I am going to save it for whenever I feel like eating an extra piece of something thats out of my points range. I think alcohol attributed an ounce or two so I should definitely limit my intake on that next time. I ask you all, after watching that, to just give a little prayer for me. I am not super religious or anything like that but I do believe in kind energy. I could use quite a bit of that as I struggle with my stupid job and this job hunt not to mention my lifestyle changes. So a kind thought or two would be lovely.

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I’m high on believin’

So obviously this shit works. I have been going to the gym four – five times a week, eating good portions, and healthy foods. Plus, I keep in mind that people actually read my blog and are rooting for me so I have been doing it. On top of that, my motivation is looking better and feeling better. I wanna be a fine mamacita fo sho!
Readers, thanks for all your support. I mean it sincerely with all my heart. When I work out on the machines I watch it’s always sunny in philadelphia because its the greatest show on earth. Mostly due to this lil scene right herre

going through my old blog and found a poem I had written:

Destined for greatness so close I can taste it
even if the world is breaking my will won’t be forsaken
I say it but will I live it? My heart may rupture from the words right and maybe.
Contusions upon my head won’t enlighten.
I’d yield for you. I’d always yield for you. Your name? Uncertain. but I love you nonetheless.
My heart’d be yours if I could get over myself and this tragic mess.
I’d break in two to keep both sides busy and cover all my bases.
Society is making certain to erase us.
Force us into harsh realities so we can barely enjoy frivolities. Dreams. Hopes.
We linger in the smoke of the pipe dreams intoxicate ourselves with the fumes.
We are alone. Some more than others. I’m alone.
No more wasted youth for I spit on you I’ll find the time to rescue those who are in need.
I won’t end up back on the floor surrending my wrists to bleed. Not again.
We are so shallow. I am so shallow. I live in the basin of tears cried by my fellow peers.
The bitter bull shit and half truths. We all lie to ourselves. Will we make it? Will we perservere?
It’s funny. I can taste you. In my heart in my mind you’re there.
I won’t surrender. Hell or glory..

Well, it isn’t the worst poem I had written lol.

I decided that when I reach 25 pounds I’m going to get Hope tattooed on me… somewhere. I wanted another on my wrist but it’d look pretty stupid if I have a bandaid on both wrists. I have a small heart on my right wrist for wearing my heart on my sleeve.It’s small enough to be covered with a bandaid and no one would know the difference.

until later…

Weight Watchers monday… on tuesday


So. yeah. 5.2 bitches!! Sure I got a long way to go but what a fabu start, right? That’s with going to don pablos and eating tacos too ya’ll. EPIC! Now I know after my first three weeks on this thing 5 pounds a week is going to be damn near impossible. a pound or two is the norm. I have been working my fat ass off hxc (hardcore) four days a week. I do mostly cardio and stomach stuff. I just hope I can continue with the positivity. My challenge coming up is my meeting with my lawyer. I have to tell my side of the story about an accident I was involved in november of 07. Yeah damn near three years later and the bitch is suing me. I can’t get into the deets per say because I don’t want it to go against me but I am going to say that it sucks balls and It going to be a challenge not to eat an entire bag of doritos after it. Oh yes, ladies and gents, I eat my feelings. So I have to find another outlet to express my sadness. im going to another ww meeting today with my friend shay because she rocks and shes doing it with me so I’m going there for support . So if you guys have any good low cal chicken recipes that’d be awesome leave me a comment with em because i looove chicken and thats what i mainly make for dinner an di am running outta ideas how to prepare it.

tegan and sara is more boss than most

random post entry name but whatever i just love love love love love their new cd sainthood. Its the best they’ve ever done I think.
good news folks I went to the gym! huzzah mofos! I started slow because

    obviously

cant go killing myself when I havent worked out in four months or so. Esp for my size I can’t do so much so fast because I’ll hurt myself and prob never go back again. So what I did was treadmill for 10 minutes- a brisk walk trying to move my arms but not really because on those things I swear I am going to fly off. Then I went on this weird elliptical, skiing, climbing machine for twenty five minutes. I kept it steady and didn’t go too fast. Just you know normalage. I ate just eggs and a piece of cheese for breakfast && drank lots of water. So… SO far so good. I did this all conciously and without reading a book while eating like I usually do. So I just wanted to celebrate this awesomeness .