I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

I’ve been so busy lately. I have totally neglected my blog! Shame on me. I have big, big, big news! Since my last update on my weight I have lost another 20 pounds! I found that out last Thursday. I blasted all over my facebook and twitter but I neglected to blog about it. I am so please to have lost 78 pounds. I am at my lowest weight in about three years. Only 22 more pounds until I have reached 100 mother effin pounds. I am so happy. I really am. I feel so lucky that I am really changing. Even though I see that I have a lot more to lose I am definitely happy to be at such a great start. I am trying to really get my fitness act together too so I don’t look all sloppy (even though my clothes kinda make me look that way since they’re so ill fitting.) I keep mentioning Dance Central 2 but I utilize it a lot. I have started using the fitness mode that tells me exactly how many calories I am burning. I think I burn more because i’m heavier but I love that game. I want to get more kinect games so while it’s cold outside i’m keeping active. I have also started to park a lot farther away from places so I fit in more walking. The other thing I have started is work with a personal trainer at Snap Fitness. I am so glad i’m getting more of a routine. I also still try to work out with my friends husband too but I feel bad he works. I don’t want to feel like I’m using a lot of his time. I must say though I have slacked horrible these past two days. I haven’t done much cardio except for cleaning. I am so determined to get these 22 pounds off so I can reach 100. I want to really DO something once I reach that goal. Not sure what but I am very excited to reach it. I really feel a lot happier. I’m not sure if my hormones are becoming more balanced or if its because I feel I look better. I am putting more of an effort on having a smile on my face and not dwelling on oh my god I have so much more weight to lose. I know I DO have a lot to lose and some times (very few times) I feel like i’m never going to get there but when I hear the compliments I feel more confident that i’m doing the damn thing. I am also getting a lot better at finding my inner strength so I am a better person to be around. I am so thankful for those who are in my life rooting me on. Thank you. Now, I better get my happy ass to bed. I plan on waking up at 6:55am and doing some serious cardio before work. I even said on my facebook status if you don’t see a status saying i’m working out by 7:15 am you can punch me the next time you see me. I am one determined chica. Oh and check out my updated page for my about me. I included me before shots and stuff.

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before && in progress

For the life of me I don’t know why this post looks like this. I had to use tinypic to upload these pixcutres and I guess I just did it wrong. I’m basically html slow so forgive me. but here are the
befores (July/August)
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and this was today:

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

so the pants aren’t doing me any favors because obvs. they’re too big. && yes i’m wearing moccasins because i’m comfy like that. I’m going to purchase spanx eventually (side boob is getting on my friggin nerves). I totally have a long way to go but as you can see i’m on the right track.
Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Now for my fave holiday: BLACK FRIDAY. Sucks I have to work 4pm to 11pm but i’m sure it’ll go quick.

And I will be there for you until the end And even though, when I take you out You’ve got me, you’ve got me standing in an awkward position

I am in the awkward, awkward, stages of weight loss. I don’t know my total weight loss yet. Last time I checked was the first week of October and it was 58 pounds. I am willing to bet its in the sixties now. The reason why the stage i’m in is awkward is I am losing weight in weird places. What i’m noticing is the weight loss is in my neck, chest, and wrists. Yes, wrists. I am able to measure this with my bracelets. The medical id bracelet I wear used to sit exactly on my wristnow there is a little wriggle room. On my left arm I wear a pandora bracelet with fake me out beads. If it weren’t for the beads I’d be able to take that bracelet off with out unclasping it. An impossible feat presurgery. I am also feeling the collar bones I forgot I had. You can’t see them jutting out but they are resurfacing.For funsies I poke myself to feel them. Not in this self harming way, I promise you. I am thrilled to be losing weight but its just so sucky how the belly isn’t following as fast as I wish. My tops look so wonky on my. I have to wear a cami underneath some tops because of the over exposure and my lack of a good bra . It’s all just very awkward. I just wantd to share with you this lovely awkward stage haha
I’m really curious to see the total loss right now but I really don’t want a scale. I don’t want to become obsessed over the number of pounds lost. It is totally important but I think just FEELING better is the more important part. I feel less yucky now that i’m 3 days into the ursoforte. I hope it saves my gallbladder because I really can’t deal with another surgery right now. Especially since Thursday is my second interview/demo at Sephora! It’s a great oppurtunity because apparently its really hard to get into Sephora. Thank God I’m nice as pie to everyone who works there.

Tell me where our time went && if it was time well spent

I am afraid something is happening to my gallbladder. I really don’t want to lose it because of the recovery time of the surgery. I JUST had the gastric sleeve I can’t go out of work again. Not this fast! I recently got my prescription for the ursoforte which is supposed to save my gallbladder or whatever but there is not guarantee. I just got the script yesterday because it was like 140 bucks. Don’t ask me why. It must be a tier 3 drug or something. That was the co pay. So I am starting the meds today and It’s supposedly really hard to take and i’m not excited about it. The reason why i’m scared something is happening to my gallbladder is I’m having odd sensations in my abdomen especially the top right. It just feels like OILY if that makes any sense. Like when you eat something greasy? Kinda like that but at weird times like when I haven’t eaten anything in a long time. This could also be that I’m a sloucher. I am trying hard not to be one but there always has been something wrong with the way my hips are aligned. One sides slightly raised. I was told losing weight would correct this when I was a teen so I ended up just gaining a bunch of weight and fucking myself up instead. As i’m losing the weight I am trying to sit straighter at work but I end up slouching at home on the computer without thinking. I don’t want to become hunch backed so I am trying to sit straighter. So maybe my pain is from slouching? I don’t know I just hope I don’t lose my gallbladder. I know you may not need it but I can’t afford to not work right now. Maybe in two years I could lose it, okay? Okay.
Frou Frou has just come on my Pandora. I like them but when i listen to them I always feel like I should be in a kitchen full of stainless steel or something.Very clean lines. Don’t ask lol.

Sigh.
It’s a cloudy Sunday morning and the Eagles play at one. I was pleased with them like once this whole season so I was thinking of saving my heart today by ditching the game and going to run errands instead of waiting til after the game. But a true fan will watch so I guess I’ll watch. Philadelphia sports fan. Gotta love us. Or really, really, really hate us.

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve? It’s been there for days on end

If any readers of this blog are not friends with me on facebook or follow me on twitter I have an awesome announcement!

I went to the doctors yesterday for my two month follow up. The verdict? I dropped another 21.2 pounds! Adding to my total of the previous 37 pounds dropped makes it 58 pounds down! That is amazeballs to the maximillion. I am really losing weight even though I can’t totally see it yet. I still see a girl that needs to lose more weight to be healthy. Which is true. I’ll be honest with you guys. REAL honest. I am going to post the weight I STARTED at in MAY. The horrifying weight that sparked the whole surgery.
412. I am 5’8 and I USED to weigh 412. When I went for my pre op appointment on August 15 I weighed 402. On the day of surgery, 8/31, I was 390. Now, I weigh 343. Still a substantial weight but I am never going back to 400 pounds. The fact that the number was even possible to reach for me just shocked my soul. It was a wake up call. I was really depressed for like 3 days and then I actively pursued the surgery option. I probably could have died with in the next two years letting my weight climb like that. People know I am big but they probably had no idea that I used to weigh over four hundred pounds. Height can be awesome. My ultimate goal is 200 pounds to 190. I think i’d be comfortable at either of those weights. I know they say 180 is the top weight I should be at my height but I know I’d be fine at 200. I’d be a curvy girl. I’m big boned period I think going lower that 190 i may look weird. The fact that I no longer have to lose 200 pounds is amazing. AMAZING. I know I have tons of work ahead of me but I think its very possible to reach goal now. I see the light in the horizon. My self happiness is closer and closer every day! I don’t want people to get it twisted that I am not a happy girl. I am very happy. I get depressed every now and then for my perpetual singledom but I know that you gotta love yourself before you love anyone else. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier being surrounded by couples. My best friends are all in long term relationships. I’ll get there someday.
Another note:
This broad went shopping and I saved mad money. I used and shopped old navy. I bought this ADORABLE sweater coat thing and a couple of long sleeved shirts. I then went to fashion bug and bought a hoodie, a pair of pants (in 2x!!!) and two lace camis.
I used this coupon ( and they took it through my smart phone you didn’t need to print it) and saved 20 bucks off my 50 dollar order. If you can’t click that link search fashion bug on facebook and like their page the coupon is in their pictures.
I ended up buying 250 dollars worth of stuff from both places for 80 dollars. I was so proud. I really needed warmer clothes and better fitting items so it was essential. See, it’s easy to save if you need to shop!
Another another ANOTHER note
It’s the night of Halloweekened. Tons of people are going to the loop in Wilmington, which I agreed to go, but if you’re on the upper east coast you all know this weather is critical. How are the girls who wear super slutty costumes going to fare in this weather? I am a flapper as you saw in a few posts ago. so at least I can wear some tights and a sweater with that jonski. Most likely I’ll be wearing a hoodie too. I hate the cold. I wanna move to Florida so bad. I love my awesome trench coat that is super warm though:

Yeah, that was earlier this year(January). That’s my 400 pound face. I hope the coat still fits me because I really don’t feel like buying a new one unless they have a good deal again on Old Navy for black friday/cyber monday. Well, this post was mad longer than I thought it would be. Hope its a little more uplifting than my last couple of posts. Until later…

I need the city to remind me there is life out there surviving

Recently, I have gotten lots of questions about the gastric sleeve. The recovery and everything like that. I gotta say I think I have had it easy. The worst was the first two days in the hospital with the air travelling all over my body. They said walking would help that so walking I did. For the past three weeks I have pushed myself to do some kind of exercise for forty minutes a day to keep active. I am able to do that, I THINK, because I take my b 12 1000 in the day time. Otherwise, from lack of carbs and sugars, I’d be donezo. [Insert awesome Aziz from parks and recreation donezo dialogue here] I still have my bouts of just being tired and that hits me around 4 pm. I still go on but I can’t really go gung ho exercise like I do before that. I haven’t had any real pain after the first few days of surgery. Worst part was that drain and I describe the ick of that here. It’s been a good month of just being away from work. I honestly have no desire to go back but I need to make da money to start my new chapter in life. I want to go back to school. Focus on creative writing and get my grammar in check. I totes mcgotes know my posts are not the model citizens of grammatically correct. I want to finish my book (series.) I want to meet someone awesome significant other style. I want to fix my credit. I want to get my Spanish on its A game. I’m going to be 24 in a week. I am a young senorita and I got a lot of living to do. As I keep on going through this journey I think I will truly know myself and be totally happy with myself. What’s funny is I may actually lose 50 pounds this month. I haven’t weighed myself since my appointment on the 15th, but two weeks after surgery I was 26 pounds down. Who’s to say two weeks after that I’d lose another 26? I am working hard and I feel great. I am starting to feel really good about myself because the weight is continually going down. I feel it in my clothes. What made me LOL my sister said my boobs look bigger. I feel as though they’re the first that are going but maybe the rest of me is getting smaller?
Well, tomorrow I hunt for a new dresser since Hurricane Irene beat up my other one with water damage through the window. Ta-ta