looks a lot worse than it seems but you know baby that’s just me

I can’t remember if I used that lyric before. It’s from of my favorite Tegan and Sara songs called Frozen.
It’s getting so close to surgery. I start the liquid fast on Wednesday which is no fun. I attempted to start the fast 6 days early but I will tell you FUCK that was said at the end of the day. Now don’t think that this means that I will not be able to do it for the 14 days I have to do it forrealsies. I was just like why torture myself now? I wanted to start early to lose more before surgery. I have my two last clearance appointments Wednesday and Thursday. Medical and surgical. I had blood drawn last week to so the check to see if there are any major concerns. I hope they check for blood coagulation. I am so deathly afraid of getting a blood clot. Being larger that is my main concern and the doctors too. I have never had one but I have become obsessed with the bruise on my arm from the withdrawl site. I have asked everyone and their mom if they thought it was a blood clot. I am so afraid I’ll get a blood clot and it’ll hit my brain or heart a la Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I am not being irrational because it could happen. I know there have been bigger people than me getting this surgery but this being my first major surgery I am just like, literally, shiiiit. I am a tiny bit of an emotional wreck lately. Fearful that these next two weeks will be my last or something and I haven’t done 90% of what I have wanted to do with my life. I think its normal for people to be nervous before surgery and I am trying to put on a brave face because I know I want this so bad. This will help me. It will assist me in ways that… will save me. Save who I am.
I am not the girl who bawls at a friggin amusement park. I am not. That’s what happened twice yesterday. I just feel so horrible being this girl that has to say “oh my god the pirate ship bar is going to fucking GUT me let me out.” Yeah. That was a pleasant experience. The asshole guy who was controlling the ride said “here we go again… arms up” as I walked away in the most condescending tone. I was MORTIFIED. I shouldn’t have tried the stupid fucking ride but I didn’t know the bar DID that. I thought it stopped. I just wanted to die. It was terrible. I know I have to hang out to that feeling and NEVER EVER forget that shit. NEVER. It will drive me through these next two weeks and the lifetime after. I can’t wait to go to Herhsey Park again with Jenn next year and ride every ride in that park. Hopefully, by then, I will have lost that sufficient amount of weight I have needed to lose to ride those rides.

That’s Jenn! Not to put her business out there but she had bariatric surgery and she looks really great. She has dropped so much weight. She is such a wonderful supportive person and she knows how it is. She’s been a great help to me and I am so glad to call her a friend. Truly.
Here’s everyone:

Dan, me, Jenn and Bran.
*full credit for pics go to Jenn. They are from her flickr licks are attached to the pictures.
Lemme tell ya that photo above we were SOAKED the tidal force was one of the rides I could ride. It wasn’t a bad day. I had a lot of fun. I love my friends to pieces its just those set backs of embarrassment sucked. Like I said; they’ll be reminders. They’ll keep me going. I am trying to stay positive despite my morbid thoughts.I am a nervous wreck sometimes but I am very excited. I am. This journey has been crazy. I’m over being so unhealthy and unhappy. I can’t wait for my life to just BLOOM. Maybe I’ll finally do an open mic night. Maybe i’ll be able to actually buy crap from Victoria Secret. Hear’s to hoping.
**edit**
I really hope I don’t come off as this entitled whiny bitch. i sense that in me. I promise I am not that way. I just am fat trying to fix it. I am so over having to exercise only in the pool because of joint paint. I’m tired of wearing ugly clothes. I am just annoyed with it.

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First things first I’ll eat your brains…

I haven’t blogged in so long. I guess I have been too busy to write a cohesive thought long enough to write an actual blog and not tweet it. I love twitter and tumblr I tumble all the time haha. Currently my hair is a weakly streaked purple. I don’t think I bleached my hair long enough since my hair is so dark only the roots came out purple. It’s just hair and I can always do something different to it. But I really wanted to talka bout my weekend last weekend… I went to visit Britney who lives about two hours away with Brandy. It was her 22nd birthday and she had a bad ass 80’s party. It was a lot of fun and it was really pretty around there because it was kind of “country” compared to our surburbian hubbub. Britney is a great friend and is so sweet. We got tipsaayyy and it was awesome. See photos from the weekend below:




There was way more great pictures but I honestly don’t have the patience to post anymore. I have been “doing” weight watchers lately. Very half assed. Like quarter assed honestly. I just desire to lose weight to get healthy so bad but its like something always happens to upset me and I eat something bad or it’s what is available. Atleast I did join back at the gym. I paid my 158 dollars that I had owed and I have gone. I feel a lot better about the whole thing even though I haven’t been tracking but I am trying at least. I know the end result will be great but the climb is a steep one. I have been in a pretty shitty mood this week. I was covering a different plan and I took like 40 calls a day of people just in the shittiest moods possible and taking it out on me. I know I am lucky to have a job and I get paid decently but am I going to be stuck here? How can I get back to school to go to creative writing classes to better myself as a writer? I feel a bit stuck career wise. When I was younger I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be a mother fucking star. I wanted to sing and act and light up the town. My light diminshed due to some hard ass bullying but I really still want to be a ham and perform on stage. I think I am getting a lot better of not caring what people think to a certain extent. Like I hear them talk shit and I don’t let it upset me to the point of tears I just get mad or brush it off. I bank it away for the fight I guess. My fight to better myself. It just gets annoying too how my parents are so ready to hook my 20 year old sister up with someone but they don’t even try to do anything for me like I am this lost cause because I am fat. Its not like they say that to me but I know its true. My sister is a good.. 200 pounds lighter than me so of course it is easier for her to have a better pick of men. Even though her taste is deplorable. But girls always want douchebags, right? But I feel like I am disappointing everyone and my self. I really hate people being up my ass about my weight and losing it but I do need to rally myself. Why was I doing so well in the beginning of the year? Is it because I had more time to go to the gym or because it was getting warmer instead of getting colder? Its annoying how I am failing myself.
Random fact: I want to be a wedding singer.
Another thought that doesn’t go with the blog:
I LOVED HARRY POTTER 7.1. IT WAS AN AMAZING INTERPRETATION OF THE FIRST HALF OF THE BOOK. I just wished it could have been maybe a half hour longer so we could see Harry more interact with the whole Weasley clan. I need to see it again. There was a girl crying THE. ENTIRE. MOVIE. From the credits until the end. Loud sniffles. I cried too at the parts that were appropriate but I don’t snivel loud to cause annoyance to my fellow Potterheads. I understand the passion but cry silently please. Well. Now I am going to pick up some will to get my ass to the gym. I didn’t go yesterday and weigh in is on monday and I ate candy last night and didn’t count how many I ate.::..

It’s a problem!

I love Koren. She is my big girl advocate. She gets it because she is my big girl sister : ) I love how she keeps saying it’s crucial.

But she mentions black men and it really is MOST men. I like all colors of the rainbow and I get DENIED many a time.
I am not gonna beat a dead horse by adding how hxc I want a man to love and hold me. My lack of intimacy is driving me nutso. I got lots of love to give but ENOUGH. I just wanted to rep my fella big girl and certified fat chick Koren. She’s boss. Subscribe to her you tube!

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

I was walking with a ghost

Soo I haven’t BLOGGED blogged in forrrrevverrrr. Well amazing things have occurred and things I have meant to talk about have been two weeks past. The meeting of my epic two Bs from my B3K. Brandi and Britney! here are some photos:

The four of us together late night swimming!

Brit, Brandi, Me, Brandyyy b3k

There were tons more but its like… I would post em all here but I can always just add you on fb if you’re that awesome and you can see the rest. lol
They were amazing and meeting them in the flesh after talking blog to blog twitter to twitter text to text is amazing. You really can find amazing people you can connect with via internet and I am so thankful I know them and consider them my close friends.

This weekend, in the 104 degree heat, I saw paramore, tegan and sara, new found glory, and kadawatha. Amazing epic music! Venue sucked balls because it was seats(seats at a rock show? wtf!) and a bunch of lil tweens who had no idea they were in the presence of musical greatness. Me and my friend Morgan were being creeptastic getting there madd early hoping to see Hayley but we did see one of the guys of the band and said hi! It was soo hot I spent like a million dollars on drinks that would have cost prob ten instead if 50. Not pleased about the fair prices I paid but… I couldn’t be dehydrated! But back to the amazing music. Seeing NFG back in action was awesome. They were superb and the kids didn’t know who the hell they were but I did! I was jamming to katalyst. I loved it! Then Tegan and Sara was up there and I was one of the ten people that stood and sang ever effing lyric to all my fave songs. They knew I was a true fan and that is all that damn well matters!
Paramore was awesome Hayley has a set of pipes you won’t believe. Here are some flix crappy quality but it was my cell what can you do…

Honda Civic car


Hayley

Hayley

Tegan and Sara

God it was sooo amazing!

there were some more but others were crappier than the rest hahaha. I wanna see them again with my friend Amber! She’s an awesome concert buddy and she hasn’t seen them live. If only the tix to see them werent on a week day. The show starts at 6:30 and I get done work at six!
So that was the fantasticalness of my past two weeks. I was in the presence of musical greatness this weekend and I am thirsty for another show! I am never ever sated.HAHA.
Personal life? I have amazing friends- no boyfriends or love interests in the least. I am starting to think its more than okay. The drama that happened when coulda shoulda woulda was popping along was enough to last me a long time. I have found myself being way more mature than most and thank ful I am sooo thoughtful in the sense of every BIG picture. I am not a planner but I am a person that can foresee tragedy in most men. Like if I had dated this one guy that liked me years ago I could be talking to his stupid ass through the prison phone, or this other guy who is I am sure on drugs, and this other guy that has no problem cheating on his girl. I pride myself in having this radar on the bull shit. If it means that I’ll be alone for awhile thats cool. Why be hurt or left in some lame situation where I can’t follow my dreams? Dead end relationships that I don’t need to be in. I don’t want a guy that’s a fixer upper nor a man with absolutely no ambition. Okay your satisfying making a dollar over minimum wage? Peace out! I want the moon stars and I want a guy who wants the sun so we’d have the whole sky together. How fab would that be? Call me a picky bitch but thats finer than fine. I’d rather be picky then worry about a dude cheating on me or leaving me high and dry kay thanks. I have seen it all and I am very knowledgeable in dead end relationships.

I also need to stop being so friggin nice and maybe holding my tongue less and letting out my rage instead of letting the evil thoughts fester. Tallying up each bull shit thing you do and letting it tip over until my anger makes me do the craziest things. That and write you off. Maybe some people are worth writing off though and I am totally okay with making that happen. Why have people drag me down because they want to be dead weights? I am thankful for my circle I got and the people who are there for me and really listen to what I say. A person I know just asked me a week ago hows the job search going? Um I know I screamed from the roof tops two months ago I got a new fab job. Where were you? Up your own ass. I may be a great psychiatrist and maybe that should be my profession but it is allll about give and take. I know my toya must be tired of my outbursts sometimes but her and this blog? They are basicaly my only ears. I may make snide ass comments on my statuses or in person but they are skated over like my thoughts aren’t worth the time. So snip snip to those. I do not even give a damn. I’ll make it. Hell, I am doing it.

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness…

So it is so true.. I have a serious confidence problem. It’s not a secret and it sucks balls it’s me pretty much. I hate being overly sensitive too. Like little things embarass me immensely and I don’t know if people even realize how much hurt I feel when they do these little things. Like make fun of how I fidget in front of EVERYONE makes me feel like I am a handicapped person. I despise being put on the spot negatively. It makes me feel physically ill and I shut down. BLANK. I become my 17 year old depressed self. Rockford bound feeling. Its no bueno. I need to stop bringing that melodrama to work. I try not to be that way but its hard when i think everyone around me doesnt take me seriously as an adult. Sure, I am quirky in certain senses but I am not harming any one. Why make me look like a fool? Any tips to make my shell a little harder so I don’t shut down completely? I need to become braver and be less sensitive. I almost cried at work today for gods sakes over this dumb crap and I would’ve looked so silly. It’s my new job! I need to pull it together.

But any who I am having a girls night with my homies Brandi, Britney, and Brandy. Together we make B3K so it’s gonna be radder than rad. plus peep this:

that is my ticket to see paramore and tegan and sara. Can you say amazeballs because I totally can! So july kicks ass and I just need to control my inner demons. Tips would be helpful. Telling me to suck it up you whinny bitch is NOT helpful. JUST a fyi.