So for the thirty day challenge today I was supposed to take a pic of something I ate today. Well, my lunch consisted of a huge slurpee cup filled with ice water and soggy fries with cheese and ketchup. They were mushy enough for me to consume yet more solid than most of the things I have consumed these past three days. I also am re-reading for the 3rd time Queen of Babble. I love this series. It’s fun, frothy, and just an awesome read. One of those things you don’t have to think about too hard. A romcom of a book lol. So, yup. There’s my food you voyeurs you. lol. Oh, and btw, the VMAs were a huuuge bag of boring this year. I loved Justin Bieber’s performance and Paramore should’ve been up there longer rocking out instead of the only exception slow jam but eh… It was a bag of boring like I said. I did totally enjoy seeing Cher up there and seeing Gaga win it big. She deserved it. She kicks major ass and she proves that her pipes are gold. And p.s. why didn’t she perform this year? Did they want to keep it boring as eff? Success. Although, Usher’s lasers were cool lol
I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let this happen. GAHHHH. These past two weeks I haven’t measured properly, I had four cocktails, fried food, and only went to the gym a total of five times. Plus I have missed meetings. Tomorrow I am going after missing last week. I am afraid to face the scale. I am afraid to see a jump in numbers due to my lackadaisical attitude these past two weeks. I don’t want to blame the snow… but I am attributing it to my “falling off the wagon.” Urgh, I am so mad at myself! If I destroyed everything in this past week and a half I am going to be devastated. I have worked very, very, hard for those 13 pounds. I need to lose more for my health and sanity. I mean hellooo have you not heard about the Kevin Smith fiasco on the plane? If not click here. You see, I am too fat to fly in an airplane seat. I really am. I struggled at 90 pounds lighter two years ago on southwest airlines. I fit and I could buckle but that shit was UNCOMFORTABLE. I never fly. I never go anywhere. Now, if I wanna go to Vegas, I realize I have to wait a year until I lose the weight because there is no fucking way I am going to pay for two tickets because I am so large. It makes me sad that I am inhibited in enjoying myself right now as I go through this process but I guess that’s why I am here in the first place. I am not trying to do a woe is me act. I really, really, really, am not. This is my blog. This is what I am feeling today. I feel fatter than usual. I feel less me. I feel unattractive. I feel unwanted. I am scared. It’s these ugly feelings that bring me to eat. I need to sleep… I have been working the third shift again… It’s fucking with my moods, my eating schedule, my workouts, and my sleep. My precious, sleep apneafilled sleep.
There is a lot missing with my life. Mainly, it’s the romance. I have never had it. Never. I am about to be twenty three and I don’t know what it’s like to be held in a way that portrays desire… Like true desire. None of this you’re here right now I am willing to bone you because you are here and no one else wants to at the moment. I could use some male support in a way of like yes, you’re beautiful even though you’re heavy and I am here for you as you better yourself for your health. But if a guy wants me now doesn’t that make him have low standards? Would I want a man who has low standards to want a girl who is 350 pounds? I blame my pessimism on many things on this subject; A.) the guys I am acquainted with a very shallow. B.) My lack of male friends. c.) The media. D.) My low self esteem in a whole. There are days when I feel like, facial wise, I am the prettiest bitch in the room, hands down.(Well, not in a cocky ass way but you feel meh.) Then other days, such as today, I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s disheartening. I need to stop thinking like this but… This is me. This is how I feel.
I am not eating right now or anything. At the moment I am just pissed off at my hair. I put a boxed relaxer in this piece because I have such super duper curly hair and I wanted it straight for the rest of winter but now the red color is all gone and it feels like straw. Sorry for all the negativity today.
On another note entirely, Valentine’s day was spent with my girls, Alyson, Brandy, Cheryl, and Robin. (ALPHABETICAL ORDER for fairness) Some photos:
there is even an unfortunate video..
you gotta click here to watch it because I am lazy. If that link doesn’t work check out Brandy’s blog
because she posted it on there.
I call my dancing the fat girl drunk jiggle… Ah those vodka cranberries…
Well, enough of my saddy, paddy, blog. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I am down once more! I would’ve been more successful with another day of working out and tracking my intake of food better but at least I am down two whole pounds. 6 more pounds until my 5% and 24 pounds until my 10%. I am happy with my weight loss but upset and pissed off with everything else.
Once again I have lost a best friend. Seriously do I repel people so easily? Don’t even get me started on the friends from high school. I talk to like five of them. The first loss was with this girl who stopped being my friend after I acquired my D.U.I. when I had just turned 20. It was a mistake and shouldn’t have ever happened and I have been paying for it ever since. She cut me off right then and there. It shows she wasn’t a true friend because obviously a “best friend” would love you unconditionally. Love you for your flaws and accept them. Be disappointed in me, sure, but to tell me I don’t want to talk to you anymore because obviously you suck as a person? Inhumane. So then there was my friend Amber. I have tried calling her and calling her and nothing. I understand she has a lot going on… I want to be there for her. Usually she has no problem venting. I have no problem listening. I called and left her a voicemail that said “Hey, it’s Krystal, just checking on you because I haven’t heard from you in a thousand years. I wanted to see how you were doing and I am sorry about the loss of your grandmom. I wanted to check and see if we are still friends because you never call me back. So …” and I think I hung up on that note. Kinda bitchy? Not really, more honest than anything. I need my best friend right now. I need her to have my back on this serious life change I am making here. I need a friend to listen to me cry when I get uber depressed because my paycheck is 100 dollars. Instead I get silence.
She spoke to our mutual friend saying she’s not mad at me, just busy, but to that I say okay you have time to call her. So I am no longer trying. If she wants to talk to me thats fine she can find a way. What’s funny is my cell is about to be turned off because I haven’t had the money to pay the bill.
I have been concentrating on buying low fat, whole wheat, and wholesome foods which cost quite a bit more than my shitty chef boyardee cans. So I can spend at least 60 dollars on myself a week on groceries. I could spend more but I try not to. With 100 dollars a week… Man thats most of it plus prob ten or 20 dollars in each of my parents cars for when I go to work. (5 dollars every time I use it) Money just goes… It sucks. I just put an app in for a retirement home in PA with an employee’s referral so I am hoping that they call me back. 12 hours a week, at a place I hate working at, is not going to cut it. I work 1-2 days a week at Hollywood Video but that hardly counts because it’s 8 bucks an hour. I work there for the free flicks.
So, needless to say, I have been depressed this week. What with money, feeling like I have less and less people to count on, feeling lonely, and just plain annoyed. This song makes me feel less like shit and makes me wanna live another day though:
It’s sweet. Kinda corny I guess but sometimes you need corny. That’s why I really wanna see When in Rome. I need sweet, corny, nonsensical feel good things sometimes.
Sometimes I need the extra reminder that “this too shall pass.” Delaware, and the people in it, is not the only place or people in the world. So if they discard me like a used tissue… it just makes it easier for me to make a decision to leave. It’s just the money and car aspect that is making it completely impossible to do at the moment. But if I get a job in PA, get a kinda shitty car, maybe I can find a decent, small, apartment for me. I don’t know. We’ll see.
seriously this explains it all. I’m glad i see in that video how fucking huge i’ve gotten. It is soo crazy I have never, I mean NEVER, seen myself like that and thats how people see me? I’m a fucking jabba the hut mixed with the puffy ghost from ghostbusters.
see the similarities from the video?
But in the morning I’m heading to weight watchers. I’m signing up. I don’t wanna live looking like that. Who the fuck wants to date THAT?? 9:30 am. I’m more scared to find out actually how much I weigh. 360? 380? No scale in my house goes above 300 😦 with all this bull shit valentines day stuff I wanna be loved! I want love and I wanna be loved. But if anyone loves me at this size there’s obviously something wrong with them. I am a disaster. A big. Fat. Disaster. So new year new start. Please help me with lots and lots of support. I need it. Every monday I vow to show my points card with a pic of my weight and it’ll keep me in check. 20 pounds, at least, by valentines day.
So it is my last night/morning of work at this goshforsaken hotel/motel and I stumbled upon hilarity. Dontevenreply.com. For those of you who don’t know it’s about an asshole writing e-mails in response to ads that just sound RiDONKulous. One ad was like ‘ does anyone of the shingles or chicken pox so we can meet and expose them to my children?’ Needless to say he does an awesome asshole thing with this crazy broad. As I sit here, drunk on Diet Arizona Lemon Tea, I am watching all the people come in and out of this hotel. Now mind you guys it is 6:30 in the morning so the quality of people is very strange. They are mostly construction workers hacking many o’ lungs. One big pet peeve: lung hackage. Some are friendly but most are douchers with nothing better to do than fuck with the girl behind the counter. So,anyway, I’m waiting for seven a.m. so I can have breakfast with my square. Yes, it’s probably going to be an array of unhealthy things such as pancakes and butter but damn it you can’t just quit cold turkey and it is a celebration of my last day at this place. I’m gonna ween off the hard stuff like Wendy’s and Mickey D’s for breakfast, I swear. I have all you bloggers to keep up with my journey. I am telling you I am going to Vegas early next year and there is no FUCKING way I am spending extra money for an extra ticket to cover my fat ass. Ever seen the movie Why Did I Get Married? Yeah, they made the lady pay for an extra seat due to her weight. No. Nah uh. I WILL not be that heifer. That is sooo degrading. So let me enjoy my fatty fat last breakfast and then I’ll crack down with salads, small portions, and broiled chicken and all that mess.
If you read my about me you can see what I’m all about. I just left Blog spot to come here because my lovely friend Brandy told me about the awesomeness of wordpress so I decided to give it a GO. You guys may read the title of this blog and say; “Wow, this bitch is self-depreciating as WHOAH.” But I am not. I really am WAY too large. I am on the brink of diabetes and I fit the term OBESE. Growing up I have always been big boned, but when I was diagnosed with depression when I was seventeen I did more than eat my feelings: I devoured them. Instead of a boyfriend I have doritoes. It’s sick && sad. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I am approacing woman hood and I don’t want to be the girl people make fun of anymore or say “Oh you’re so pretty why do you do this to yourself?” I get it. I have messed up. I started this blog to keep reminding myself to stay deligent on my quest of being healthy and reminding myself food isn’t the answer. I mean duh. Food’s amazeballs but I shouldn’t substitute food for sex,love, friendship, and/or happiness. So, this isn’t going to be ALL about my fat ass. It’s just my life. What I deal with. My fat ass just happens to be a huge part of it. Pun intended haha.