Breath out so I can breath you in

The title of this post is a quote by the foo fighters. I don’t have a title for the poem which is essentially a one woman conversation with herself. Or maybe it’s a love letter to all I know. It’s chaotic and nonsensical like my mind.

I didn’t let you stay. You didn’t prove your worth. Too afraid of what could be. What would be. You didn’t fight. The world was going too quickly and I was left behind.

Do I have a fighting chance?

I look at the past and wish that you TRIED. The attempt wasn’t there. The labor was too hard for a girl like me to slave. A girl with a song always playing on her lips. Romance in her heart when its been staked time and time again.

Someone has got to prove their worth.

Where is the other half to my insanity? The one who excites and enticeswithout making me ill? They’re all defeated while I’m finally making my way out of the rubble.

My compositions are always a question. A letter to the one I REALLY want but he doesn’t see. I am deluded. I am senseless.

The real question is whether I’m ready.

Life is blooming and I keep an eye out. They don’t think I do.
My mind is incandescent. Burning bright with rage.
“Calm down.”
I am too much for my own good. A girl who suffered from indulgence. Pain disguised itself with pleasure.
I brush myself off and search for someone as brand new as me.
You’re all so used.
Don’t judge me as misguided. I have a higher hope for love.
The simple pleasure of helping one another in a way that doesn’t ask for something back.
I turn you all away.

What’s your worth if you deem me worthy?

Brainwashed or tainted by what I have seen.
I sit at the movies with my popcorn watching you all cheat, abuse, and linger in the shadows. The word you all utter in synchronized fashion is: regret.

What are we afraid of?

Lets walk along the road and see if we like our own company. Speak the words in the most disjointed fashion so we alone can get it.
Smirk because they’ll never get it.

What see I have done what?

Despite my musings and the way you all decipher my played out emotions; I know what I want.
I know it to a TEE that this may be my down fall.

“You should settle.”

Never.

Falling away from the illusion I say hello to miss Suzie homemaker and smile.
I whisper; “Some day.”

My fingers skit across the water to make my waves come alive
my insides squirm and make me feel ill.
Disgusted with my behavior or lack there of. The socialite of her own mind.

Let me grab my old prom dress and dance alone in the middle of the highway. Let the cars pass me and laugh at its hot pink fashion. I am always too loud.

Let’s divulge deeper, shall we?

The words that spark fear for most: alone, death, and regret.
It makes the air reek and its pungent flavor makes this girl, who’s alone, and filled with regret scared to death

Why didn’t you fight if you cared so much?

Your lack of trying made me know this is why I am the way I am.
Arrogance is what I have in my own way.
Maybe the fact that no one has ever tried has saved me from so much heart ache.
Silly me, I invented my own. My heart’s full of holes from the daggers of the ‘nos’ and could ‘nevers.’

It’s useless to live in the past but it IS useful to learn
Every day I come to know a part of myself that most people are afraid to become acquainted with.

Say the words aloud.
Whisper them; just make it audible.

It’s okay to fight.
It’s okay to try.

I keep moving so the rage doesn’t consume me in flames.
I smile because I know it’ll be okay.
Slowly finding serenity in the patience I am desperately trying to find.

face like a faded tattoo

I am so angry. I am so angry and I just feel liek I am going to lose my shit at any second. Its the little things and its the big things. It’s what I’m denied. It’s what I’ve denied myself.
It’s the anger I have for myself for destrOying my youth. For letting every one destroy who I am.
For losing who I was.
I hate feeling like I lost myself. I hate that I feel like I ran out of time.
For allowing sadness to swallow me whole and allowing it to ruin my fucking life. I am a ruined woman. I am. I will never (and never have had) the body of a girl my own age. I have always been SOME kind of overweight. I have to stress now about an impending trip to the amusement park in August. I can ride like two rides for 40 bucks because it’s not like I’m going to be magically a hundred pounds lighter. Surgery isn’t until the end of August or September so there is that. It’s not like thats a magic fix. I have to work now. I have to start just controlling myself now. I feel a little out of control at this moment right now. It’s not like I have my own spot to cry either. I don’t have my own room. I am a 23 year old friggin’ loser who lives at home with her mommy and daddy. I just can’t even right now. I just want to fix so many things at once and to bring my own happiness that I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. That’s not the way to go about this. I am bad at having patience. I know thats my biggest thing. I am terrible at managing money. I know I need to find the traits that I’m good at but I feel all drowny. May be because everyone in my house is screaming at each other right now. I am definitely a sponge. The mood in the room can definitely affect me. That’s not good. I should be the master of my own happiness. This is definitely one of those woe is me posts. I mean I am doing the steps. It’s just sometimes it can feel so overwhelming. It can feel like nothing is happening fast enough or that time is running out? Does that make sense? I feel like i’m just aging without really living.
I feel like I am just going through the motions of “happy.” Because as much game I talk about how much I don’t need a relationship but I think I want something. I mean as a human some kind of romance is desired. I have never been “romanced.” My first kiss was such a crock of shit. It was me asking home boy to kiss me and did I mention I was almost seventeen?
Now, my sisters and brothers have gone steps way beyond me in the relationship games and i’m just like what about me?! Am I REALLY going to be a spinster while my younger siblings are all together with someone? Really? I hate feeling like the ugly sister. I hate feeling like the most unattractive person in my family. I hate it. I just feel so much goddamn frustration right now the only way to get it out is to listen to Foo and just cry silently and type this.
I am trying to convince myself it is going to get better. Give it a few months and i’ll be there. I will. It’s all going to come. It is. Its just the NOW that sucks. It’s the waiting.
This is why I want patience tattooed on my wrist as a reminder to stop and chill. The other thing that is majorly frustrating is the hearing thing. I have like 3 days left of the prednisone and i still can’t friggin hear. I am going to have to suck it up and take a day off and get some tests done for the pulmonologist and see an ENT. Hopefully I can finagle that to be all in one day so I don’t have to use so much time. I just hope this FMLA shit starts soon so I don’t have to stress about losing my job and losing my income. No more horse shit. Next pay check I am literally going to hand my dad 300 bucks to put away. The only reason i’m not doing it this pay period because I HAVE to pay car insurance and fix my hair because its just stupid looking with these purple highlights that did not come out at all.Like trash. I don’t care too much about what my hair looks liek but we’re haivng this big family shin dig on sunday and I’m already going to be in a bathing suit thou shall not offend with this hair as well. Sigh. I think i’m going to fix myself a drink to help me fall asleep. I feel a little better now releasing all of those demons.

heal me one last time

I’m obviously suicidal.
I swear.
I must be obsessed with killing myself slow and steady to be this weight. To have such a fucking problem with myself to keep doing this to myself. I really just can’t even begin to explain how I feel sometimes.
I won tickets through Radio 104.5 through a twitter contest to see Jared leto 30 Seconds to Mars and Anberlin. Let me first say what an AMAZING SHOW. Seriously, epic. I just couldn’t even explain the awe I was in because Jared Leto is sooo into his fans. So into just rockin the hell out. They put on a great show. Their theme for the show was neon:

See that thing around Jared’s neck (on the left?)
I took that home:

It was carelessly on the floor and my best friend amber picked it up and gave it to me. Shes so fabulous.
This is the crowd shot of the show:

Live music always fuels me into a way I can’t explain. The downfall of the show was the fact there were seats. Tiny little stadium seats my belly doesn’t like. I swear my gut just jabba the huts its ass everywhere. It makes me want to do irrational things like claw at my neck and rage. I wish it would anger me enough to eat better. I have been doing better today. I had whole grain brocolli rice with salmon for lunch and honey bunches of oats for breakfast. I do so terrible when I go out. I just love EVERY bit of food. I am setting myself up for failure every time I walk out the door.

I know I have been miss do it without surgery but I’m not doing anything but feeling pure self loathing every time a bad situation comes up and I feel like gastric bypass is something I need to do. There is at least one time a day I want to hurl my head against the wall because it just feels like too much. I think disliking my job doesn’t help really. I don’t want people to see this and just say “wow she’s suicidal” I don’t think so. I just feel an overwhelming sense of despair. I am printing out the packet as I speak and I’m going to go through these surgeons that come highly recommended for this type of thing. I can’t keep living a half life going through everything like i’m happy when I can’t be the real Krystal anymore. I am going to die if I keep this up. Enough is enough and I am going to do something about it. Now, I don’t think this is the easy way out by any means. If any thing I think this is going to make my life way harder eating wise. I am going to be limited to a lot. Drinking basically cut.
heh. what’s soo “funny” is my dad just walked in with a huge box of soft philly pretzels. 😦 I really can’t win. I live at home in case some of you didn’t know and I’m the only one in the house of seven (I have 4 brother and sisters) that suffers with this eating thing. So if i’m going to start this journey this month I may not have the actual surgery until around my birthday which is in October. I am going to have to start seeing cardiologists, endocrinolgists, psychiatrists and dietitians. I know that a month before the surgery I can’t eat anything but their shakes too. That worries me with how my house is. It is going to be the hardest couple of months but the end result will be… amazing. I don’t think I’ll look hollowed out or anything either because of my full moon face either. SO let’s hope.

Dark clouds gather in the afternoon Come to gather just to cry

I have noticed that my mind is always in chaos. Literally thinking of a thousand things a minute. I am always over analyzing. I am always cringing when replaying things in my head. I thought once you weren’t a teenager crazy insecurities would be easier to deal with. But here I am at 23 still dealing with it. I don’t necessarily have it as bad as I did in high school but I still feel those little tweaks once in awhile. Especially when hanging around a guy I’m interested in. I don’t know why I am so foolish and immature in that sense. I keep replaying moments in that obsessive way like I can somehow turn back the clock. But as I sit and write this and JAM to the latest Foo Fighters album (even though the title of the post is a lyric by Brett Dennen) I feel the need to clarify. I am not this recluse by any means and shy away from my size. I love to go out but I just over analyze my situation around me. It’s not like I have this terrible experiences all the time or anything like that. Yes I have been mooed at by college kids but that is a rare occurrence but they haunt me. I hate that I have to worry about shit like that. Those kind of experiences can diminish a girls spirit. Thank you to all of your comments yesterday by the way guys. I still can’t believe Ruby contacted me and shared my blog with her fans! Such lovely comments and support. I appreciate it so much. Every ounce of support I can get is soo awesome. I think this most doesn’t have much rhyme or reason. It’s just me talking out what’s in my head today. I am feeling really blah because of the weather it’s pouring here and thundering and lightening. So I leave you with this fab lyric from the Foo Fighters and the song itself.

Life imitated, it’s only faded.
Tired of waiting on you.