I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map and knew that somehow I could find my way back

I am at war with my body. What’s new a fat girl writing about her war with her body. Let me explain. I took surgical methods a year ago (a year and 11 days ago) to lose over 135 pounds. I was really unhappy and dieting wasn’t working. Right now I’m dealing with parts of my body getting smaller than others and feeling unhappy with the extra skin. I am dealing with the emotional issues you deal with losing that much weight so rapidly. I don’t feel super hot- i still have 80 pounds to go. I feel much BETTER than I ever did in high school. Because of my weight loss I have the ability to do things like this:

yup. that is 978 calories BURNED in 60 minutes.

My 400 pound body would NEVER have had the stamina to do that. NEVER. I am never going to be anything other than fat. Never. You know why? Because of society. Duh.
I’m at war with my changing body. With my acceptance of feeling actually attractive. For my own feelings of attractiveness that is on ME. I cannot stress to women enough that being attractive to YOURSELF is the most important part of being a woman. No amount of dudes chasing you will make you like YOU. It won’t. I have learned that these last couple of weeks. It doesn’t make you feel better. Some times you question them so much to think there MUST be something wrong with them for wanting you. That is a SICK mentality and I am aware of the issue. What sucks is a lot of these men do shitty things. That doesn’t mean it’s ME. It means it’s THEM. I DON’T VALUE MY SELF WORTH ON HOW MANY DUDES LIKE ME. You value you.Sure, I love flirting and attention as much as the next girl but I don’t make it my life goal. Not anymore anyway. I’ve been done dirty a lot. Since the dawn of me being crazy about boys which is like 4 years old.
I’ve been doing some MAJOR soul searching this past year. If you guys are my friend on facebook you guys know i’ve been all super zen today. I have! This article really helped set my tone for the day. I don’t know how to explain myself eloquently… I can just say that I am being. You might say; BUT YOU’RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT This is correct my astute reader. I am trying to lose weight to get healthy and feel better about myself. I am not doing it for anything but that right now. The perks of losing weight is feeling that my health is no longer death star status.
Look, I have spent the better part of today reading almost every article on xojane.com about fat acceptance. Lesley, is my fave writer on there. Oh, so is Emily. Had I started reading their articles about fat acceptance and loving your body over a year ago I STILL WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE SURGERY. Sure. I was mooed at, Made fun of,Rejected by guys because of my size, AND treated like different shades of shit. Reading those posts would not have stymied to be like: I’m 400 pounds and proud. No, they’re helping me NOW. You know why? Because, like I mentioned before, I will never be skinny. I may not even reach the health acceptable size of 165 pounds for my height of 5’8. I am very real with myself there. The body I was given is big boned. My years of depression led me to over eat and eat and EAT. I dieted and shit just wasn’t real. It wasn’t working. I was NOT ME. I hated who I had BECOME not who I WAS as a person. Who I am. My personality was hiding. I was hiding. I am fairly comfortable in who I am now. I can even approach certain guys I find attractive and sometimes I am not shut down and it feels amazing even if nothing may come of it. I guess what I’m trying to say is(in my usual, long winded, manner) that I have come a long way this year. I still fight with body image issues, I still fight with my confidence, and I still am fighting to get healthy. But I am more at home with myself than I have ever been my whole life. Ever. My personality is shining like a true beacon of who I am and fucks will NOT be given. Yes, it has a direct correlation with the weight loss and people may judge me for that but I wasn’t happy so I am changing myself for the better. As long as I am happy who gives a damn?

i swear that you could hear it….it makes such an all mighty sound

I am very diverse in my musical tastes. I have 600 albums, 19 playlists, 2489 tracks in my spotify library. I know some people are like MEH that is nothing. Can we please talk about how I go from a classical version of Stairway to Heaven to Philly, Philly, from Eve’s album. But Philly, Philly is a given.
I am just really more into the whole alternative/pop/rock/indie scene. My entire family is straight up pop hip hop/rap. I can’t just have one musical preference. I went through this faze of being REALLY into Robin Thicke’s baby making music. Now I find baby making music cheesy.
I’m hoping I can score some free tickets to this Virgin music fest but the “pre sale” was already sold out in 15 minutes so my hopes may be dashed. I love music so much. I love going to concerts more than anything. I am seeing one of my musical idols in less than a month, Florence Welch. I LOVE Florence and the Machine. So much. You all should know that. The drumming song? I can’t listen to it one time in a row.
The drum’s still beating loud and clear.

Brings up suspicions and alibies But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes

I will probably disappoint you. You know why? Because I don’t stand up for myself. I am a meek individual that cares far too much for things that don’t matter. If one doesn’t stand up for oneself what is the point of even being human? I thank god for music every day. If it wasn’t for Florence and the Machine and the Black Keys keeping me sane right now who knows what I would be doing? I constantly thank my far away friend Leslie. I love her to death. Her words are wisdom greater than any book I’ve ever read. Whether or not i’ll follow her advice? Like I said I will probably disappoint you. I disappoint myself in every day. I am a contradiction with no conviction. My inner most private thoughts are eating me alive. So I listen to Florence and the keys because they sing about it. All the artists I love sing about it. They get me without knowing me.

Well I didn’t tell anyone, but a bird flew by.
Saw what I’d done. He set up a nest outside,
and he sang about what I’d become.
He sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbours would hear,
So I invited him in, just to reason with him.
I promised I wouldn’t do it again.

But he sang louder and louder inside the house,
And no I couldn’t get him out.
So I trapped him under a cardboard box.
stood on it to make him stop.
I picked up the bird and above the din I said
“That’s the last song you’ll ever sing”.
Held him down, broke his neck,
Taught him a lesson he wouldn’t forget.

But in my dreams began to creep
that old familiar tweet tweet tweet

I opened my mouth to scream and shout,
I waved my arms and flapped about.
But I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout,
couldn’t scream and I couldn’t shout.

I opened my mouth to scream and shout
waved my arms and flapped about
But I couldn’t scream I couldn’t shout,
The song was coming from my mouth.
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.
From my mouth.

From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth,
From my mouth.

I don’t even know why I identify with this song so much right now. Maybe because I need to snap my inner monologue’s neck and make it my outer monologue? Maybe I should stick with being my own monologue and maybe then I won’t have to struggle with the amount of shits and fucks I should give for anything other than myself and mine.
I need to get better. I need to BE better. I need to set a better example of what a strong woman should be. I need to be at peace with it all. With the fact some things can’t be helped and bad things are gonna happen. Some people are gonna hate me. They’re gonna hate me good. Real good. I can’t be everyone’s friend.
Manipulation is a part of every day life. Lies are a part of every day life… Black Keys got that covered:

Said the moon was ours, yeah
Said the moon was ours, the hell with the day
The sunlight is always gonna take love away
Brings up suspicions and alibies
But I can see blue, tear-blinded eyes
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I got a stone where my heart should be
I got a stone where my heart should be
And nothing I do will make you love me
Id leave this time, break all my ties
Be no more use for any disguise
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I wanna die without pain
I wanna die, oh, without pain
All this desception I just cant maintain
The sun, moon, the stars in the sky
Itd hurt me too bad if you said goodbye
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

Do I even want the truth when all I’m going to do is put the hands over my ears and go “LA LA LA?” What good am I? What good are we all if we keep pretending everything is okay when it’s not? Let’s go on the other hand on this; when are gonna stop acting like things are so bad when they’re not? Let’s get real people. My problems are insignificant as fuck. My internal struggle is no ones business but mine but I blog about it like it’s my job. I’m a self centered twenty something living in a world where there is a helluva lot more going on than whether or not i’m okay with me. Guess what? I realize it. I realize it hard. So hard that I am so involved in other things… Things that are just damaging me.

Between two lungs it was released

I haven’t done a real blog in awhile because I’ve been pretty ickface lately. I was trying to go to the gym/Zumba at least 4 days a week then Friday I was hammered with the sinus infection . I was out of commission all weekend. I was also stricken with terrible abdominal pains. I really thought I had an ulcer. My dumbass was drinking orange juice because I thought that would help my cold but instead I irritated my stomach pouch. Now I’m back on prilosec to help this gastritis. I still feel icky and now I have to eat way slower than usual because my stomach is so sensitive. I haven’t had an attack of pain since Sunday night ( thank God because that was AWFUL!) . Along with that I’m on zithromycin to get rid of my sinus infection. I’m a hot mess!
But! The good news with going to the doctors is that I was weighed. I was weighed at 6 pounds lost! So to get real with you all i’m now 309. I started my journey, In March 2011, at 412. The one where I decided yeah, i’m getting the surgery. So, if i’m going by that, I have lost over 100 pounds. My doctors are going by my actual surgery weight. That weight on 8/31/2011 was 402 so as of now I have lost 93 pounds. 7 More pounds until I count that I’ve lost 100 pounds. I’m getting that tat when I lose 100! I can’t wait. I’m just trying to stay more positive and be more thankful for my lot in life. I have a second chance at it. While people around me are losing their family members i’m trying to remind myself each day that life is something to hold near and dear and to fight for it. I’m fighting like hell to make something out of myself.
After I get my finances in place and get my car I plan on looking for better career opportunities. I want to be happy where I spend 40 hours a week. I want to feel like i’m making some kind of difference. I’m thinking seriously about going to school to be an EMT through the fire department. I think once I lose more weight and get a car I’m be prepared for the course. It costs $800 so I have to squared away before I take it. Then, some days, all I want to do is something creative. Unfortunately creative does not pay the bills. I am gonna get my head together eventually.
Another thing i’m excited for is my trip to Tennessee. I finally get to meet, in person, some of my closest friends; Kelley and Leslie! I talk to those girls every day and I am finally getting my butt out there to see them. I am well overdue for a vacation and it’s really close! I leave March 13th and I come back on the 22nd. While i’m out there i’m going to see my other friends Dana and Nick. I’m excited to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. I’m their maid of honor : ). I’m stressing about the plane seat a little but i’m confident I’ll be able to fit especially if I keep losing the way i’m losing!

I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

I’ve been so busy lately. I have totally neglected my blog! Shame on me. I have big, big, big news! Since my last update on my weight I have lost another 20 pounds! I found that out last Thursday. I blasted all over my facebook and twitter but I neglected to blog about it. I am so please to have lost 78 pounds. I am at my lowest weight in about three years. Only 22 more pounds until I have reached 100 mother effin pounds. I am so happy. I really am. I feel so lucky that I am really changing. Even though I see that I have a lot more to lose I am definitely happy to be at such a great start. I am trying to really get my fitness act together too so I don’t look all sloppy (even though my clothes kinda make me look that way since they’re so ill fitting.) I keep mentioning Dance Central 2 but I utilize it a lot. I have started using the fitness mode that tells me exactly how many calories I am burning. I think I burn more because i’m heavier but I love that game. I want to get more kinect games so while it’s cold outside i’m keeping active. I have also started to park a lot farther away from places so I fit in more walking. The other thing I have started is work with a personal trainer at Snap Fitness. I am so glad i’m getting more of a routine. I also still try to work out with my friends husband too but I feel bad he works. I don’t want to feel like I’m using a lot of his time. I must say though I have slacked horrible these past two days. I haven’t done much cardio except for cleaning. I am so determined to get these 22 pounds off so I can reach 100. I want to really DO something once I reach that goal. Not sure what but I am very excited to reach it. I really feel a lot happier. I’m not sure if my hormones are becoming more balanced or if its because I feel I look better. I am putting more of an effort on having a smile on my face and not dwelling on oh my god I have so much more weight to lose. I know I DO have a lot to lose and some times (very few times) I feel like i’m never going to get there but when I hear the compliments I feel more confident that i’m doing the damn thing. I am also getting a lot better at finding my inner strength so I am a better person to be around. I am so thankful for those who are in my life rooting me on. Thank you. Now, I better get my happy ass to bed. I plan on waking up at 6:55am and doing some serious cardio before work. I even said on my facebook status if you don’t see a status saying i’m working out by 7:15 am you can punch me the next time you see me. I am one determined chica. Oh and check out my updated page for my about me. I included me before shots and stuff.

i screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it’s left me blind

Ever since the surgery (and my time off) I have had a hard time going to bed at a reasonable time. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact I’m a bit of a night owl. I like to stay up late. It’s the most peaceful time in my crowded house.
Right now I am in such a mood. I am not able to define it. I go back to work on Monday. I don’t LOATHE/Hate my job. It’s really not that bad. It’s just emotionally draining. I work for medicaid customer service for the city of Detroit. The city is a bit… coarse when it comes to speaking to the customer service reps who are trying to help them. It’s customer service. Shit’s not easy. I like helping people and there are times I get these awesome people, but it is a rarity. St Louis and Nebraska was a helluva lot easier. I really like the company I work for. It seems like its a secure job. I am a very emotional person. Very sensitive. I care a lot. There are times when I break down after being cursed up and down because this wasn’t authorized. I feel for these people. I really do. I have gotten better at figuring out its not ME they’re angry at. That’s what I need to drill in my head.
I just don’t want to feel stuck. I work 8:30 to 5. I really want to look into online classes or night school so I can get more education under my belt. I didn’t go to a University or anything like a lot of people I went to high school with. I worked 2 jobs out of high school for about three years and then I started schooling for medical assisting. I did that in the evenings and I worked three part time jobs while doing it and one of those jobs was an overnight job at a hotel.
I’m trying to make sense of myself. I am going to be 24 on Monday. On paper, there isn’t much to me. I don’t own a car and my credits pretty much garbage. I live with my family and help them out by paying rent. This has been a huge year for me. I have started to actually lose weight by getting the gastric sleeve. I am getting healthier. Now that I am getting that further in control I want to start looking at other ways to better myself. I am not near goal weight by any means but I just wanna keep getting better. Being single and living at home I have a lot of opportunity to do this. Once I get off the disability paychecks from when I was out I am going to put away at least 300 dollars a check. I plan on working on my debts to get them bitches off my record. Once I have a good amount of money saved my madre said she’d co sign for me to get a car. I just want a kia nothing fancy by any means. Something I can make payments on to help my credit. That’s the plan anyway. I am not old but I am old enough to really get my shit together. I have a great set of parents that are a great support system. Now that I am not going to be spending money on junk food or alcohol I can definitely save. I am not one for plans but this is one I have to follow. I’ve grown up in different ways even though I don’t live on my own or anything like that. I’m really blessed to get this second chance of living.
Gosh, I’ll tell you my 14 year old self though I’d be married by now. I haven’t even had a real relationship. I think I thought that since my parents were married at 21/22. I am very glad I didn’t just marry some guy out of high school. Not knocking it if that’s your story but for me personally that would not have worked. I have grown so much in that past 6 months. I am hardly the same girl i was my senior year of high school. Everything happens for a reason. Now that I am working on getting my weight under control I am starting to appreciate that hey I might be attractive. I was even checked out today. Like literally, dude stared at my face and did a double take as I walked away. He wasn’t even doing that oh that’s a huge bitch look. He liked what he saw. It felt good and so weird. I am not used to that. I am still big but I think the fact that I am starting to feel better about myself it’s exuding a confidence that I didn’t show before. It’s so bizarre. A good bizarre. I can’t wait for more time to pass and I get even more confident that I may even go on a few dates or something. One step at a time though. That’s all one can ask for, huh?

what the water gave me

I may be going too hardcore. I walked like two blocks today in my neighborhood and walked around my house a bit. All I have been able to keep down in clears (which is what was ordered for the today and tomorrow.) Up until about a half hour ago I was drinking just water. I don’t have the appetite for anything else. I started to feel uber woozy and dizzy so I called Jenn, my resident baritric surgeon expert. She told me my body is basically starving for nutrients and just water is just going to help the dehydration. My body needed something else so my mom made me chicken broth. I’m feeling good just a little pah. I definitely need to purchase some non flavored protein for Monday’s purees.
I had two friends visit today which was lovely because I am already starting to turn to online shopping so they distracted me. (I bought magnetic nail polish and the magnet) I bought a fuchsia one and the diagonal magnet. The excitement is just intense for that product haha I bought them on ebay so it wasn’t TOO bad but still I can’t just buy shit online. I have bills to pay. Medical, car insurance, protein purchases. Sigh.
Any way, my surgery was this past Wednesday and I think I am doing very well despite my slight dizzy spell and overall ache and tenderness over my tummy/wound area. I walked some more around the house but just to move my legs not to do anything over exuberant like my excursion around my neighborhood. It may just be too much right now. I woke up today and took my meds( a shot of lovinox in the stomach and prevacid chewable) and took some flintstone vitamins. I think thats pretty good for my first day of actually CONSUMING anything. Well, I just wanted to give a small update and I may just chill out now and watch weeds. Until later.