Today I looked in the mirror and gasped. It has been a looong time since I had seen myself in a full length mirror and what I saw literally made me gasp. I couldn’t believe it was me. I don’t feel this big. I don’t. I mean my joints do I guess but I don’t feel the weight I really am. I know this is odd like dude the title of your blog is confessions of a certified fat chick but honestly I didn’t know it was this bad. I keep saying I am going to lose weight but I haven’t been doing it properly this time around. I have been letting the external get to me. Going out to eat and making poor choices and my sedentary job has not helped especially since it is kind of stressful at sometimes (seriously, you talk to people from Detroit for 8 hours a day and you tell me you don’t feel the need to eat a bag of chips in between calls.) I know I am making poor excuses especially since I shelling out all of this money to make myself better.
100 dollars a month for a personal trainer (soon to be going up to 250 a month for 8 sessions instead of 4)
20 dollars a month for a gym membership
25 dollars a month for my doctors visits.
and the cost of the new diuretics I am now on too. Not to mention the cost of eating out so much because i’m too lazy to cook a damned meal. I am constantly beating myself up for being fat yet I am doing it to myself. I am going to have to stick to the plan the doctor has sought out for me. NO trans fats and low to no carbs. I have to do this for myself and not because I think it’ll get me some numbers (even though I hope it does :/). I need to find my inner strength. I have self respect but why don’t I have enough when it comes to food? Maybe I need to speak with a counselor about my unhealthy relationship with food. I think it may have come to that point. I am downloading the fitness pal app right now so i can keep track because this has got to stop. I am making myself miserable.
Even though I am going to be fat for a bit I just need to stay positive because if I have the better attitude I will keep my eye on that prize!
I need to stop writing random posts like this:
“I swear I’m going to end up a lonely cat lady miserable because not only am I alone;I am allergic to cats.”
Which I am pretty sure is poor grammar and very depressing.
I get into these terrible funks sometimes like I feel like I am drowning in this terrible pool of fatdom and I can’t swim out. I need to remember I have lots of life preservers. As I write this post (at 1 am when I need to work at 8:30 am) I am left thinking about all the times I have said this trash before. I know what I need to do. Why do I self sabotage? Food is not better than being worry free going to an amusement parks or riding a plane. I am scared to death to ride on a plane because of my fatness and I am DYING to go to Bonnaroo. Please, if I have faithful readers, and my friends please please help me. I HAVE to stay on task before I give myself diabetes or die from sheer unhappiness.
I have noticed that my mind is always in chaos. Literally thinking of a thousand things a minute. I am always over analyzing. I am always cringing when replaying things in my head. I thought once you weren’t a teenager crazy insecurities would be easier to deal with. But here I am at 23 still dealing with it. I don’t necessarily have it as bad as I did in high school but I still feel those little tweaks once in awhile. Especially when hanging around a guy I’m interested in. I don’t know why I am so foolish and immature in that sense. I keep replaying moments in that obsessive way like I can somehow turn back the clock. But as I sit and write this and JAM to the latest Foo Fighters album (even though the title of the post is a lyric by Brett Dennen) I feel the need to clarify. I am not this recluse by any means and shy away from my size. I love to go out but I just over analyze my situation around me. It’s not like I have this terrible experiences all the time or anything like that. Yes I have been mooed at by college kids but that is a rare occurrence but they haunt me. I hate that I have to worry about shit like that. Those kind of experiences can diminish a girls spirit. Thank you to all of your comments yesterday by the way guys. I still can’t believe Ruby contacted me and shared my blog with her fans! Such lovely comments and support. I appreciate it so much. Every ounce of support I can get is soo awesome. I think this most doesn’t have much rhyme or reason. It’s just me talking out what’s in my head today. I am feeling really blah because of the weather it’s pouring here and thundering and lightening. So I leave you with this fab lyric from the Foo Fighters and the song itself.
Life imitated, it’s only faded.
Tired of waiting on you.
SO I have been mulling over the words penned(or should I say typed) on MARIE CLAIRE’s website. As a certified fat chick and a watcher of Mike & Molly I was very upset to read those words. You could feel the hate and pure disgust coming from the writers fingertips. Read the article. I’ll wait.
Fucked up, yes? Now, I have said this before that I don’t think being obese is awesome. Not at all. I have beeing doing Weight Watchers off and on all this year. I want nothing more than to be a healthy weight. Seriously. But… she doesn’t get it. Being overweight is a struggle. I don’t want to be fa. I don’t want to have the slowest metabolism on the planet. I don’t want to look at my skinny friends with down right envy. I don’t want to have to shop for sizes most PLUS size don’t even carry. For this writer to just beat up on fat people like that is… inhumane. The characters on the show are trying to lose weight! They go to over eaters anonymous because HELLO over eating is an addiction. The “skinnies” can say what they want about that but until you’ve been inside the mind of a fatty you don’t know shit so keep your mouth shut. It is so easy to gain weight. I swear to you I can gain weight drinking a glass of water. To lose weight is a struggle and a HALF! For this woman to write about it like it’s some simple snap of the fingers is stupid. So fucking ignorant.
So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.
So. If you see a girl like me… lets say WALKING because I am trying to lose weight you would be disgusted? It goes back to a post I had written awhile ago… I am not happy with my size. Shit most fat people… aren’t happy. Maybe thats why they are the way they are? Half of my reasons for overeating stems from major bullying and HELLO!!!! That article was an attack! I am not allowed to make out with a guy huh? Keep it to myself because of my rolls of rolls of fat. So mean. A fat person feels enough scrutiny and to have an article like that written about “fatties” is so demeaning. The apology her editor made her write doesn’t erase the words she has written and obviously is her Gods honest opinion. She thinks that forrealsies. I refuse to be depressed over it any longer though. I am making steps but people who aren’t over weight really need to realize yes we fucked up but our personal issues for being fat and making us over eat or even our genetic make up is a serious issue. Lucky I am not seventeen again I would be cutting little cuts in my ankle over this shit.
due to a recent comment I guess I should clarify myself… and this blog. My thoughts are not to upset or make people become totally unconfortable. Yes, I can be a bit of a Luna Lovegood when it comes to my obvious insecurities but when I say most big/fat people I mean the most I know especially including myself because thisis kinda my public diary. I know there are different and secure and perfectly happy healthy big fat people half the time I am talking about the miserable ones like me. I am a bit cynical because of the shoes I have walked in but… I guess I should say if I offend you or make you uncomfortable it is not my intention nor is it to offend the happy cfc and cfd(certified fat dudes) so if you feel strongly about my blog and is offensiveness I must suggest not reading it because the last thing I want is to impose my negativity unto you .
Before you read this check the disclaimer.
Since when did being fat mean you’re easy? I really want to know because who ever told men that need to recognize. Men really think I am an easy lay sometimes and the truth is I am a Virgin with a capital V. I may be 22, almost 23, but I believe that your virginity, your body, SEX, is sacred and should only be shared with someone I give more than a flying fuck about and so far I haven’t found that one person. It’s not only that but I am very insecure with my body and sex usually means lots of nakedness and I am not ready for that.
Now, don’t get me wrong I want to happen SOMETIME but when I am ready. I will not be used. My momma raised us kids that sex is important and you should wait until you’re married but you know what I think she realizes that it is not going to be like that for all of us. Who knows when or if I will get married. I doubt I will wait for that but i will wait for a secure, real, sincere, relationship.
What brought this all along is a few men at my job have hit on me assuming I was that kind of girl and I know in the past I have received such advances by very disgusting, leery, and icky men. I have heard from a couple of guys that “the big ones do more stuff.” EW! I will not please anyone with sex for my own insecurities or to feel like oh em gee a man actually wants me. I want relationships not some dudes penis to fill a void with in me. I am stronger than that.
When I was in middle school and high school I was this stupid, hopeless, silly, romantic. I wrote poems about boys, I wrote them creepy notes, and I was never able to speak to them properly. I still fudge it up but I am damn proud of my progress. I just think back to those times and I am just like wow how shallow was I? To “love” all of these boys so fiercely that their rejections brought me closer and closer to depression. Why did I let them control my happiness? Why did I let them call me fat when I wasn’t even THAT big when I was younger? I was just a bit bigger boned and more thick than the average tweens. I truly believe if I ignored the bull shit and bullies I wouldn’t be the size I am today. If I didn’t turn to food for my loneliness I doubt I would be struggling right now.
I got a long way to go. 170 pounds to go.I shouldn’t look at this number wholly but it is the ultimate goal. I am taking things piece by piece so I can be secure with myself. I know I switched topics drastically I just can’t help when I work out (which I did today for an hour and burned 660 calories WHAT WHAT!) I think about EVERYTHING THAT IS DRIVING ME TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. A lot of it is the past. The past drives me and the happiness the future will bring me. Honestly a lot of it is me chanting; arm rests arm rests arm rests, booths booths booths, roller coasters roller coasters roller coasters, cheaper clothes cheaper clothes, and sometimes IN YOUR FACE IN YOUR FACE IN YOUR FACE! It is nice to post my weight as I go down and to be a bit of an inspiration. Arm rests, roller coasters, and booths are all the fat girl friendly. I hate asking the hostess quietly a head of time for a table instead of a booth before we sit. It’s degrading and sad. I also think a little that if I were thinner I’d be able to get a job at a hospital or doctors office easier because I appear healthier for such an environment. I am soo hurting for money right now it’s RIDIC! I want to start selling things on etsy but I haven’t even had the money to buy the initial things to make the headbands and yarn dogs to sell. Sorry for the random post but you understand I gotta let it out sometimes. p.s. this is the song that really gets my ass moving on the elliptical :