my heart is on my sleeve I wear it like a bruise or black eye my bady my witness

I am so close. SO CLOSE TO BIG THANGS POPPIN! I am not going to jinx myself by talking about it too much but hopefully by March I won’t have to contain my excitement. HOPEFULLY.

My real happiness today stems from the announcement that Fall Out Boy is getting back into music. Tickets for their tour go on sale Friday and May 30th they’ll be in Philly.
My heart is happy. That’s pretty much it. Thanks for your time haha


It’s just a matter of time til we’re all found out

Okay guys as much as I hate to admit it summer is coming to an end. Summer is closing and fall is a comin’! Realizing this I have been thinking about one of my favorite holidays; HALLOWEEN. As some of you may know I write about Edenfantasys sometimes and talk about what they offer. Edenfantasy’s is an website full of all kinds of goodies for us older than 18 🙂 While you guys might be into the whole buying OTHER things I’m not advertising anything of the like on here. I will say they have an extensive line of plus size lingerie and costume wear. While I may have lost 133 pounds (I weighed myself the other day! Down officially 133!) I am still plus size. EdenFantasys offers a wide range of plus size costumes. Some are WAY to risque for a girl like me, but they do have a variety. So far I have my eye on this little number.

Now mind you ALL I would definitely have to figure out a way to cover them tatas up. I would probably wear navy leggings as well as to not be TOO revealing. They have tons of costumes right now and it totally doesn’t hurt to look. I know some of my loca friends would totally be buying some costumes for BEFORE and AFTER halloween if you know what I’m sayin’!
If I were to go with anything it would probably be one of the school girl costumes. They look a little less revealing. We’ll see. It’s just fun to think about. Something to look forward to for the fall when the cold months start coming. I did really wanna be a sailor girl though. Ever since Dance Central. I think I’m going to try some of EdenFantasys bath and beauty line soon and let you know what I think about it! Until next time everyone.

A smile’s not a smile if you fake it

Before reading this post take less than four minutes to watch this:

Amazing, yes? That’s Katie Dill. She’s a local artist here in Delaware. She’s part of the group Mean Lady and Diego Paulo. I love how effortless her voice is. I am jamming to her for this post because I wanted to discuss music this post!

This week is full of yes! Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see the Goo Goo Dolls at the Opera house in Wilmington ( I didn’t even know such a place existed) and Friday all of my sisters and I are going to see MIGUEL at the University of Delaware.Don’t know Miguel? Here’s my favorite song of his:

oh and this one:

I like some freaky music sometimes haha.
I love all kinds of music (not so much country or screaming) but I love it most live. I am so excited to take my baby sisters to the Miguel concert because it will be their first concert. My first concert was the Backstreet Boys at 12. They’ll have a better my first concert story (although they did go to Live 8 when they were younger. I don’t count this because we were a million miles away.)My first REAL concert/show was the Starting Line at Kahunaville in Wilimington. I was just sixteen and it was FANTASTIC. Oh the good old days of fighting two broads for a drumstick then getting it signed from Kenny the front man! Quickly after the Starting Line I saw Fall Out Boy.I think you’ve all heard my black eye story from that show. I think everyone needs to experience live music whether it be local or main stream. Theres a really good local music scene here in Delaware believe it or not .But my favorite lately is Mean Lady. Most importantly Katie Dill as the video showed you above she’s a tremendous talent. I think it’s so important to see some live music however you can. Peep your local music scene and take in the bars or open mic nights. When I was in high school I was into “Emo” music. I still like them for what they helped me with in high school. Fall Out Boy is still a favorite of mine because I think their lyrics were awesome as hell and Patrick Stump can sing his little ass off. I’ve totally mentioned this before.

sell me out – the joke’s on you
we are salt – you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I’m the kind of kid
that can’t let anything go
but you wouldn’t know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

I was a pretty Emo teen. A pretty emo adult. 🙂 I think because of my emotional blahs I fell into real love with The Beatles. My romance starved heart fell heavy for “I wanna hold your hand” and “Eight Days A Week.” I’m basically a pop/rock/indie girl.
An idea of my weirdness of musical tastes here are my pandora radio stations:
Amy Winehouse
Every Avenue
Fall Out Boy
Florence +The Machine
Foo Fighters
Foster The People
Good Vibrations (as in Mark Wahlberg hmm, kay?)
Jimmy Eat World
Nikki and Rich
Nikki Minaj
Paper Bag (Fiona Apple)
Patrick Stump
Pop Champagne
Sweet Disposition (temper trap)
Swing Life Away (Rise Against)
Tegan And Sara
The Beatles
The Goo Goo Dolls
The XX
Tony Dize (for some latin flavor)
V.V. Brown
Vampire Weekend

Some artists are unnecessary since they pop up on aforementioned stations already but I made a station for them anyway. I do like other artists of course but like I said they pop up so often on the other listed stations I don’t feel a need to make a station for them like death cab for cutie or even Dave Mathews. It just pops up. I just love love LOVE music. Some of my music is hated (fall out boy, panic!, goo goo dolls…) but I really like music I can relate to. Yes, I can relate to Sexy and I know it haha! “I work out!” lol In all seriousness check out Katie Dill/Mean Lady on youtube she’s awesome.
Another one of my long posts 🙂

the take over, the breaks over

I literally have two weeks left. Not next Wednesday but the Wednesday after. I am so excited. My anxiety about it has gone down a bit since I passed my medical clearance today. It was a nerve racking appointment but what was encouraging was how the MA was like I cannot wait to see you after surgery. She was so sweet and I had only met her once!
I had lost ten pounds in the last two weeks which is good. Nothing spectacular since my weight is crazy and unbalanced. I have been moving more. I have upped my water intake dramatically. I am trying to squeeze in 64 oz a day which is not exactly easy but Crystal Light helps.
I am just on a different level anymore. I keep thinking in the terms of before and after. I have a long road ahead of me making sure my ass is ON with my protein (90GS A DAY!) post op. I know I am not going to drop 200 pounds like *snaps* that. I know that. But at least I have a great tool in my box to help me. Just one more appointment to go. Pre op. I not feeling morbid today. Just hopeful. I just want to be able to up my confidence. I am not a girl who hides in the corner but I want to be back to the girl that loves to steal the lime light and take the stage. My light was dimmed and it’s time to change that damn bulb.
I started Optifast (take 2) today. I will say that the chocolate shake is better than the strawberry and the tomato soup is SOO much better than the chicken. There are recipes on the optifast website that I can try but I am afraid to try it with out consulting with the doctor. I assume not since the point is mostly liquids and one lean cuisine of the under 400 calories/14g of protein variety a day. It’s now 7 pm and I am holding up well. I did sneak in 5 cheez its and put them in my tomato soup. Shame I know :(. I have consumed two shakes, a optifast bar, and one soup. I am allowed a lean cuisine and another soup for the rest of the day. I can have sugar-free jello (ew) and sugar-free Popsicles so I will enjoy the Popsicles for desert. I am holding up well. Just 14 days now. JUST 14! You guys are going to get so sick of me…
s bad of me but I wanted something solid! I wish I could have salad. I would kill for a salad right now. Does that make sense?

Let’s hear for America’s Sweethearts… I must confess I’m in love with my own sins(not really)

When you say good bye to anyone it can be hard. Endings… sometimes can be so difficult. Maybe I knew it was around me all along. Some people I considered family just not willing to put the effort into giving a shit about me. I am one of those people who likes to hold people near and dear to me. A lot of the time it can be the wrong people. Why is it so hard for me to END IT? Why do I harbor on the past and the good ol’ days. Why can’T I face facts that some people are toxic. There have been many circumstances where i’ve been left to dry yet some people will circle around the very few instances that i’ve messed up or had other obligations. I wish I could be an asshole and just point out every bull shit thing they’ve done wrong and may be people could take a good hard look at themselves. Yeah, I admit every fuck up I have ever done. When I was 20? I had too much to drink at a person I knows apartment. I had taken it upon myself to drive and I was not able to drive. I was well impaired blowing a .12 after I wrecked my car. I admit that to be the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I could have killed someone and I have learned from the mistake.
You wanna know what else I’ve done in my life? I have experimented with drugs. Was it the hard stuff? Nah, and those days are wayyy behind me.
I have apparently kissed a guy that had a girlfriend by accident because I was drunk and he didn’t stop me. I have stolen before when I was a kid. But that’s pretty much all i have ever really done truly terrible in my life. I have never been in a committed relationship and cheated on anyone. I have lied before but who hasn’t? I have learned that I am not a terrible person but I have done shitty things but I am not a bad person. I don’t do these things consistently and there is nothing I have done in the past year that I ashamed of except gain a bunch of weight.
I have had these sick feelings that there are people I know who do not want to be seen out and about with me. I really think that I have people like that in my life. Or they’re trying to escape my life. Whatever. I have voiced my thoughts to them aloud and they have refused to respond. So I’m saying good bye to them. It hurts me to do this but why keep trying when they never try back? I say adieu to those who are ashamed of what I look like. TO the ones who are sticking with me pre op and post op. You’re the ones I trust. The rest? I bid adieu like I say.

i’m hopelessly hopeful that you’re just hopeless enough

As I sit here with my hair dye correcting my red root disaster (don’t ask) I realize I am a total leaf in the wind kinda girl. I desire the lifestyle that involves no planning and pure sponaneity. I realize I have the personality of a rich girl flake. I am far from rich. I am always trying to figure out how much money I have left after stupidly buying a 32 dollar make up brush because it makes you look air brushed. But I desire a total drifter life. I do always want to have a home to go to but I don’t really like knowing what I’m doing next. I mean I have the occasional plan like going to AC this weekend or a day trip to New York. But i’m a spontaneous broad enough to do a New York trip on my own if I see fit. I ain’t scurred. I haven’t done it yet but I’ve been thinking about it. Just to get lost- but not lost enough I have to harm someone. I am so like my mom it’s hilarious. She rarely makes plans for tomorrow. I ask her if we’re going to the outlets on Saturday and she’s all “Ay, Krystal. That’s too far ahead.” And I’m all ” but it’s like the day after tomorrow.” I have to get better at it but I like to just go with the flow. I am so easy breezy that some people take this nonchalance for me not caring. This planning for this surgery is the most planning I’ve done my whole life. I was thought I was going to burst a blood vessel planning all of those future doctor appointments, group meetings, and life style classes. I was like huh? By the way my first class is May 26. My last one is July 22nd. So my surgery is probably going to fall in the August territory. That’s incredibly soon. I’m scared. I have never had surgery other than a tonsillectomy when I was four. I am excited yet nervous. I know these classes will prepare me and my center is in the excellence category. I still keep thinking about the possibility of dying though. Like what if they find cancer on my stomach. and they have a doctor Bailey type lady in there saying; “Sir, do you see that mass?” Then doctor Webber/my doctor will be all “I see it Bailey we’ll do what we can.” Then The Fray’s how to save a life will be playing in the background. I realize I watch way too much Grey’s Anatomy. I am optimistic yet scared.
So I don’t know what the hell this post was about.
My desire to be rich as a gangsta and travel the world? I guess. Or maybe I wanted to kill 25 minutes for the dye to set it. Hey I tell no lies. I am sooooo excited for next Friday. It’s the weezer/panic at the disco show. I love both of those bands to death. I remember getting our first nice computer that wasn’t from the 80s with like Windows 95 and they came with a sampler cd that had the Buddy Holly music video so I’ve been a fan forever. So this concert is also going to bring me back to high school when I used to JAM to lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on. Mostly because it said “fuck” in the lyrics.

I got more wit a better kiss a hotter touch a better fuck than any boy you’d ever meet sweetie you had me.

I was dangerously emo back then. It was a cool emo though because I wrote on my own chucks and shit. Most notably( and my favorite) I had UR on one toe and RAD on the other. I’d still dress that way honestly because I like quotes and things making my own jeans awesome and whatnot but I work and it’s business casual so it’s like all I have in my wardrobe. I can’t wait to go shopping in like December when I have lost quite a bit of weight. I will be rocking Hurley again if it kills me.

And to wrap this mess of a post here is the song that the quote from this blog title is from:

&& besides my reputation’s on the line.

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness…

So it is so true.. I have a serious confidence problem. It’s not a secret and it sucks balls it’s me pretty much. I hate being overly sensitive too. Like little things embarass me immensely and I don’t know if people even realize how much hurt I feel when they do these little things. Like make fun of how I fidget in front of EVERYONE makes me feel like I am a handicapped person. I despise being put on the spot negatively. It makes me feel physically ill and I shut down. BLANK. I become my 17 year old depressed self. Rockford bound feeling. Its no bueno. I need to stop bringing that melodrama to work. I try not to be that way but its hard when i think everyone around me doesnt take me seriously as an adult. Sure, I am quirky in certain senses but I am not harming any one. Why make me look like a fool? Any tips to make my shell a little harder so I don’t shut down completely? I need to become braver and be less sensitive. I almost cried at work today for gods sakes over this dumb crap and I would’ve looked so silly. It’s my new job! I need to pull it together.

But any who I am having a girls night with my homies Brandi, Britney, and Brandy. Together we make B3K so it’s gonna be radder than rad. plus peep this:

that is my ticket to see paramore and tegan and sara. Can you say amazeballs because I totally can! So july kicks ass and I just need to control my inner demons. Tips would be helpful. Telling me to suck it up you whinny bitch is NOT helpful. JUST a fyi.