New years eve= blast

seriously this explains it all. I’m glad i see in that video how fucking huge i’ve gotten. It is soo crazy I have never, I mean NEVER, seen myself like that and thats how people see me? I’m a fucking jabba the hut mixed with the puffy ghost from ghostbusters.

see the similarities from the video?
But in the morning I’m heading to weight watchers. I’m signing up. I don’t wanna live looking like that. Who the fuck wants to date THAT?? 9:30 am. I’m more scared to find out actually how much I weigh. 360? 380? No scale in my house goes above 300 😦 with all this bull shit valentines day stuff I wanna be loved! I want love and I wanna be loved. But if anyone loves me at this size there’s obviously something wrong with them. I am a disaster. A big. Fat. Disaster. So new year new start. Please help me with lots and lots of support. I need it. Every monday I vow to show my points card with a pic of my weight and it’ll keep me in check. 20 pounds, at least, by valentines day.

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tegan and sara is more boss than most

random post entry name but whatever i just love love love love love their new cd sainthood. Its the best they’ve ever done I think.
good news folks I went to the gym! huzzah mofos! I started slow because

    obviously

cant go killing myself when I havent worked out in four months or so. Esp for my size I can’t do so much so fast because I’ll hurt myself and prob never go back again. So what I did was treadmill for 10 minutes- a brisk walk trying to move my arms but not really because on those things I swear I am going to fly off. Then I went on this weird elliptical, skiing, climbing machine for twenty five minutes. I kept it steady and didn’t go too fast. Just you know normalage. I ate just eggs and a piece of cheese for breakfast && drank lots of water. So… SO far so good. I did this all conciously and without reading a book while eating like I usually do. So I just wanted to celebrate this awesomeness .

&& the same song plays over in her head

I am also tired of being fat. I am tired of people looking at me and seeing a fat woman, and not a loving, beautiful, intelligent individual. I am tired of hating myself, being self-conscious, unhappy, and loathing my reflection in the mirror. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to love myself.

This is a quote from a lovely, lovely, lovely, blog I came across. Her name is Jenn. I mean thats what I want to accomplish. I want to be happy. I know all this. I KNOW this. WTF can’t i put the food down? Why can’t I saw nah-uh girlllll you know that shit is BAD for you! I wonder if it really is just this psychological pull I have towards it. The fact I am alone a lot of the time doesn’t help me much. Like I work at a supermarket over night for fucks sake. I buy shitty food as i’m working and I eat it. I eat it

    hard

I just want to be a desireable person. Like when I’m with my friends and a guy approaches I don’t want their eyes to skip over me. I want them to linger and show effing interest! It’s hard enought to meet a guy nowadays let alone my size, working overnight,lack of guy friends, and never going the hell out! Now i’m being bitchy and ranty and not proactive. oooo maybe I’ll go to the gym. I have a membership at planet fitness and I pay that shit every month and never go. Fix this yes! huzzah!! Lol see I’m leaving on a happy note. Besos

my misery is so addictive

Working overnight makes me just want to sleep at all hours of the day. Never to wake up except for work. I think its more my family getting on my fucking nerves. Whether it be my brothers and sisters screaming at each other over so lame bull shit or my fathers constant tirades on President Obama’s socialist plans. It’s like why would I want to be awake for this? It’s not like I have a means of escape. I have no car. The only way I use the car is for work when I work overnight because there’s no insurance for a wreck like me. I want to shut my eyes to all this and fast forward through the hard parts… just to make it to the other side alright. Will I make it alright? I haven’t done SHIT to diet. I have no will. I want to. I look down at my body and cringe but I can’t find the strength through the exhaustion. Back to the wills again. I have none. I am losing it. I am not a friendly face anymore. I am a cringe worthy suck fest.