she spoke words that would melt in your hands… she spoke words of wisdom

People don’t necessarily get it. That’s why I have the blog. I just blog about how no one really gets it. But this is complete utter nonsense because people DO get it. They’re just not near me to comfort me in my fit of crazy. Even the people who have known me half my life can’t fathom my feelings. I think they can sympathize but they can’t empathize. I am not saying I get everything they go through either. Some things are so internal that there literally is no good way to explain it. I can’t explain why I feel like ripping myself to shreds sometimes other than its because I don’t love what I am doing with my life. I am not willing to take the pay cut to pursue my dreams. I am not willing to make sacrifices because I am a chicken shit. But I digress.
I think my biggest problem with explaining myself is how physical I get. In my fit of hurt last night I told my friend I felt like I should just throw myself in front of traffic. I don’t want to end my life but I felt like that would be the ONLY way to show how upset I was at that moment. I think its similar to when I was cutting. Cutting. Was all the rage when I was in high school. I wasn’t really one of those cutters who flashed my scars under my plastic “sex” bracelets( I rocked the shit outta those bracelets though.) My friends knew I was depressed but they didn’t know the extent of my self harm. You would think going away to a “safe” place like rockford would bring that shit to a stop but I think it got worse when I was released. I would graze my ankles with a safety pin. I wasn’t all HXC to show my shit on my wrists. I was just so sad! Looking back now I really don’t even know why I hated my body so much. I was 180 my freshman year. That’s my goal weight now. Its so sad what body image you’re force fed at such a young age. Its made a lot of men discern women like me unattractive and not give girls like me a chance. Its made me self doubt myself. Its made me want to end my life on more than one occasion in the past. I am suicide ideation free but I do want to run away like all the time. I want new new new. I want a new place to live. I want a career I love. I want to be const antly surrounded by awesome and positive life experiences. I just want to be
able to run.
Oh, wondering about my date? It wasn’t bad. He was ve ry nice. And we got along. Possible new frie nd for sure. I’m sure we will hang out again. It was pleasant conversation and he paid for my dinner. I totally offered to pay my piece though. It was something new and that’s what I am all about. As for romance? Ah, I didn’t feel that spark. It sucks because he’s really nice. I gave it a shot. Maybe I am just too fucked up.
Or in truth I am just inexplicably attracted to guys who will never want me.

That’s the road that’s the load that’s the role I’ve been down I’ve been down I’ve been down down

I have been a shitty blogger as of late. I had big news I just didn’t want to blog it yet in case of jinxage. I am, unfortunately, one of those people that believe in the ‘if it’s too good to be true it probably is’ aspect of life.

Well, I should fear no longer now since today was my first day in my brand spanking new job! APPLAUSE X2! LOL I am soo happy. It seems like a great company with great pay, benefits, and recognition for doing well. The people there are all super nice and welcoming. I am going to be a customer service associate for a healthcare company. They seem to be doing well too so I don’t think it’s a job I’ll be losing due to down sizing. I asked that question during the interview just in case.

Due to this new job I have put in my two weeks at the job that is the bane of my existance. GOOD BYE PATHMARK I WON’T MISS YOU ONE DAMN BIT! July first will be my last day there and I sooo can’t wait. Everyone’s pure unhappiness with the job there just leaks into your pores giving you a sense of dread as soon as you clock in. I hate it there. It’s the equivalent of getting your tooth pulled with no novacaine. I feel like such an adult now. Making real dollars with my own benefits. I am glowing with happiness- truly!

I’ll be able to take steps towards the realize/lap band now. I truly want to do that surgery. Oddly enough a fellow(brand new) co-worker just shared with me that she had the procedure done about 6 months ago and has lost a total of 60 pounds. Pretty sweet because I had only lost 25 pounds in five months. I like the fact that weight loss is gradual because I really don’t know if the excess skin removal would be covered after I lose all the weight and I will be damned if I am a good size and have to tuck in my tummy flap-feel me? I really feel like this procedure will be good for me. I am tired of being big. It’s not like I am getting this surgery as a way out either. I am doing this because I have tried losing weight au natural for years and I haven’t had the greatest success. I am tired of being heavy and feeling so unattractive and down on myself that I doubt every move I make. I realize this is not a quick fix but it will help my attitude immensely as well as improve my health.

My confidence is soo shot to hell I can’t even tell if someone is flirting with me. My wifey boo aka sister in crime has to point it out and I am all about saying pshaw he’s just being nice or hes joking. I always assume they’re joking to poke fun at the big girl or just trying to boost a big girls shriveled ego. It pains me to feel this way. I know it’s lame but to talk about my middle school years but in 8th grade I was madly enraptured with this boy and as a dare he hugged me. It made my year(I said pathetic) until someone informed me that “You know —– was dared to do that right?” I WASN’T EVEN HEAVY THEN JUST A CURVY 13 YEAR OLD! How society fucks you up! So I assumed there was something wrong with me from the beginning of the “dating” years. Letting people step all over me making me feel like shit so I consumed every thing in site bringing me to the creature I am today.

I wish some people would understand how not every big person is this tragic mess. I am not a tragic mess- I didn’t become fat because I am a slovenly and gluttenous. I have real psychological issues and I am dealing with the messy bits in between. I wish people were kinder to people of my size. It’s hard for me to stomach skinny or healthy women bitching about how disgusting fat people are because that is a generalization. I do not consider myself disgusting. I consider myself a major work in progress. You don’t know what goes through each persons mind or each persons background to just assume if a person is big they are selfish because they don’t want to put down the big macs on whoppers. Any whooo I guess this happy blog turned into a rant but I hadn’t blogged in forever. I’ll try and update tomorrow to keep the ball rolling. I miss blogging.

Been killing me for days and days it seems But the truth is the thing I fear I just don’t understand

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world”- my fortune cookie. What does the cookie know what I weigh?

This a happy post and a dramaish post. Not really dramaish but… another one of those brutally honest posts. If you’re my friend you’ll prob get pissed off so I am apologizing ahead of time. Okay? Kay.

Cool news; today I had taken a test for this job as a customer service rep for this company and I passed. It was a typing and customer service quiz and I did well and was asked for another interview tomorrow. I am super psyched because I make zero money at my current part time job so hopefully I’ll be able to get this job and take care of my monetary situation so I can get out of my parents house and be a grown up : )

I have been doubting myself with everything lately because I haven’t been going to the gym. I haven’t been able to afford the measely twenty bucks for it. I have to pay it today though because I have been pretty depressed with my weight and looks situation. I don’t even want to get on a scale and see how much I have gained. I seriously don’t. I am not going to weight watchers either and that was a great support system but twelve dollars a week is quite a bit when I only make one hundred a week. A hundred a week. At twenty two its pretty miserable to see that amount. My sister was on unemployment and made almost twice that a week. But at least I have a job! : )

I have come to a major decision on my weight this week. I have decided as soon as I have health insurance I am getting the Realize band. The Realize band is the same as a lap band which is a small band they put around your stomach to strict your intake of food. It helps you feel satisfied faster and with smaller portions of food. I had gone to a consultation last year and I wanted to do it but I lost my insurance once I hit twenty two and that was last October.Another big thing was the fact I can’t drink very much alcohol but alcohol isn’t worth my true happiness and health is it? I strived to lose the weight all on my own but I have two hundred pounds to lose. 2 double 0. It’s disgusting! Yeah, I had lost twenty five pound but it took five months. My health will just keep getting worse and I want to feel better about my self sooner. My best friend Toya is a strong believer that I should love myself as I am but how can I love myself when this is the size I am not supposed to be? I feel so ugly being this size. An unwanted size that can’t fit anywhere comfortably. I have to pay extra for my clothes due to the extra material and I never feel cute in them. Ugh. Size 24/26 ? GROSS! I just feel sooo unattractive! It’s gotten to the point that even if a guy asked me out on a date or wanted to be my boyfriend I would say no. Well, thats a lie, I’d say yes and be a total paranoid freak the entire time. Thinking; there must be something wrong with him to want me. Oh, he’s just going to cheat on me and find someone smaller. It sucks to be so insecure but like my friend Leslie says; “if you don’t like it fix it.” I am trying to fix it. The best thing for me now is to get the Realize band and lose weight a bit faster. About loving myself now… I do have to live in this big body and it was helping when I was going to the gym. Like I felt more confident but not 100%… It’s just hard sometimes. Like I desire love and a relationship like every other girl but I am realistic to realize it’s not going to happen anytime soon. It sucks but it’s true. Its like I am soo ready for failure I nit pick at any guy that has ever taken a small bit of interest. I am just sooo not loving myself and I think thats a big issue. Plus I always think long term. I don’t dive into things I don’t just think willy nilly frivolous. I have never had frivolous high school relationships. I would put my whole heart into it. That’s just how I am. I don’t have a heart tattooed on my sleeve(wrist) for nothing.Plus guys at my age are verrry shallow. Even when I was wayy smaller dudes made fun of me soo hardcore they shaped me into this blubbering rejected mess. I trust no man and second guess myself with every dude. I am awkward around men I like and its sad. It’s really fucking sad.

Sometimes I am overly hard on myself but I’d rather be hard on myself than have someone else make fun of me and tear me down. I’m pretty low to floor as it is I don’t want anyone to bring me sub basement level. What hurts even worse is when I was 14-17 I wasn’t even that big. I just felt I was so big because all of my friends were so much smaller. Like 90-115 smaller. I weigh 180-220 during those years at the heigh 5’8 which wasn’t even that bad. I could’ve lost 40 pounds quickly but instead I dived into food and became so depressed instead of accepting my differences. I was a curvy girl and now I am a certified fat chick. COULDA WOULDA SHOULDA, HUH? Take note of my failures, young ones, I have a loooong road ahead of me now. Wish me luck.

hopelessly hopeful

I am in tears right now and I can’t help it. I hate feeling this way; like I won’t make it. Like there is nothing for me. I have been searching and searching for a job for the past six months and all I have come up with is nothing but rejection after rejection.
Like these:

Thank you for your interest in Bayada Nurses. At this time, we are not able to offer you a position.

We wish you success in future endeavors.

Very truly yours,

Bayada Nurses Willow Grove Staffing

Thank you for your interest in the position CLIN SUPPORT ASSOC – SATS at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (Requisition Number: 10-20323). At this time, we are reviewing candidates whose qualifications more closely match our current needs.

Please continue to explore other employment opportunities at the Hospital.

#58 – EX-UNC

Dear Krystal,

Thank you for your interest in Bravo Health’s Health Services Assistant, Concurrent Review position.

We are fortunate to have many qualified candidates apply to each of our positions. Although your background and qualifications are impressive, we have determined that the credentials of other candidates may better fit our needs at this time.

We will keep your resume on file for future opportunities with Bravo Health, and wish you much success in your job search.

Bravo Health Recruitment

&& those were just fromt today and it is only 10:30 a.m. I am frustrated to the point of depression. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to leave the house unless it’s for work. I am about to cancel my plans for tomorrow because I simply don’t have enough money. I am aching. The job board at my school website is basically no help because that is where I am getting these rejection emails from. I hate living like I won’t be able to make it. That I may have to just settle for a job I hate because ” that is life.” Right now I can’t even find a job I hate. The only thing I have been coming up with is wawa. WAWA! That was the job that nearly killed me for the abuse I had to put up with and I am thinking about going back to that. Am I crazy? Do I really need money so badly? Yes. I am a dead weight at my parents house because I can’t afford anything! I went to lush the other day and spent just ten dollars and now I feel very guilty for doing that but I needed a pick me up badly!
Another thing I am upset about is I was supposed to get a car today from my uncle but it is looking like that isn’t happening either. I was going to give him two hundred dollars today and fifty next week. My plan was to get another job, practice driving it (it’s stick), and then get insurance. If I got the car today there is no way I can be up and driving this month I’d have to wait until I get a better or secondary income. It looks like THAT isn’t happening. Today I am going to have to just print out two resumes, multiple copies, one for retail and one for medical assisting, and hand them out. I must not feel hopeless but I am on the brink. Please pray for me. I need to get out of my parents house, I NEED to give them money, I need to get this car thing rolling, I need money! Who ever said money can’t buy happiness is a damned liar and a half!

What I am so concerned about is not making it. The world ending or something and this i s what I have to show for myself. CRAP! Nothing nothing nothing big fat NOTHING! A 22 year old loser who lives with her parents working at a supermarket. big wow!

Free- is all that she could bleed That’s why’ll she’ll never stay

Man I have a headache. I woke up uber late because I was having these amazing dreams about these guys I have been rejected by. Rejected, made fun of, laughed at- all that because I liked them. It’s funny because in high school? I wasn’t even THAT big. I was big to society’s standards. Seriously, I was about 180 my sophomore year.
I was probably 200 there because that was my junior year. It was the first year I was playing field hockey so it was “freshman friday” because it was my first year I got written all over my face. So anyway, I look at this picture and it pisses me off. Why did I let everyone get to me about my weight ?I wasn’t that heavy! All I could think of was how boys didn’t like me so something was wrong with me dadadada DUH! So I let my emotions go fucktard and ate. I ate myself into 167 pounds in less that four years. It’s funny how I’d kill to be that size again. I let peoples judgements get the best of me instead of just letting it be. I could have lost the twenty or so pounds to go down to a normal, healthy, weight but instead I developed SEVERE depression and in short tried to end my life at just seventeen. I went to a “hospital” for a time, was prescribed welbutrin xl, and was given some serious therapy. Some help was more helpful than others. Honestly, I still have some hardcore issues. Some days I want to die because it seems like life is just going to get worse, stress is going to get worse, and I am not equipped to handle it. I make a shitty adult and have yet to make real adult decisions. I make hardly any money, I don’t have a car, I have zero in savings, destroyed credit,I live at home with my parents, and I can’t find a job in the field I graduated from. So it’s at moments when all of that hits me,and I realize I am going to be 23 this year, that I feel like it will all be easier if I just died. But it’s a selfish notion. I need to go back to therapy and have someone help me sort out my mess. Give me a ray of sunshine on my cloudy days. I can’t believe my parents were married with a house at my age. I feel like a dumb ass! I have never even been in a relationship before let alone thought of being married! There are days, like today, when all I want is someone to hold me and whisper sweet things to me. Guys, I am straight, but it’s come to the point if a woman wants to be my companion I would give it a shot. But then it gets to the part of feeling that kind of attraction and I just don’t feel it. I want the masculinity of a man’s touch and love. You can’t help what you feel. This is all I am feeling before breakfast so go fucking figure. What do you guys think? What helps when you guys feel lost? Any single guys out there that doesn’t mind a fatty that’s going to lose this weight? I am like a fixer upper. Put some investment in me for a year and I’ll be a certified hot chick. Real Estate gold!