keep your head up, keep your heart strong

I am dancing between super happy and super sad at ever second of everday since Thursday of last week. I am erratic. I am listless.
I’m a mess
I am trying really hard not to over think the sad. I’m trying to rationalize that people are no longer in pain when they were suffering and they die. That is true. That is absolutely fact in this situation. I am still really upset about the whole thing. One of my important people in my life lost someone truly important to her yesterday. Her mother is gone and I am in awe with the strength my dear friend is having during this trying time. She inspires me to grow stronger yet here I am. Crying at little random times in the car alone. I keep going back to the times I spent with her mom. Going over how boys really were the worst 85% of the time. It’s selfish but I am glad she was able to see me become truly happy and more acclimated in my adulthood. I was such an awkward teen. Graceless at best. She saw me lose the weight and truly come into my own and for that I’m happy. I hope she knows that I’ll always be the best friend her daughter could ever ask for. I think she knew that. Despite the truly bad fights me and Katie have had we forgive each other LIKE THAT and Chris (her mom) knew that. There isn’t much that’ll keep me and her apart.
There are other things that have been bugging me lately. All I can say is I am just TRYING.
I am trying so hard to just be okay. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I was SO good for awhile there. I really was. Then I just went into this downward spiral of shame. Not that I’m ashamed of anything I’ve done (lots of learning experiences and one day you will get a frank writing on some of those experiences but not while I still live at home. I think those posts will be PW protected still anyway.) I just feel ashamed of myself for not actively being happy all the time. Why am I pursuing a relationship so badly? Why do I want one? Am I tired of the trite hook ups? Yup. So sick of false promises by dudes. I am ashamed of myself for falling for it. I do love myself more than I have in my entire life. But there are moments when it is so suffocating to be alone and see most of everyone in happy cozy relationships. I’ll be real; I have relationship envy. This isn’t high school romance BS anymore. People are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. I understand everyone is on their own trajectory but I can’t help but wonder when will my time come? I am awesome and people should want to be awesome with me too! After this year lease is up May 2014 I am going to start looking at jobs in cities. I think it’s time I branch out of the suburbs and move to a new city. WHY DOES CHICAGO KEEP CALLING ME IT IS SO COLD THERE?
My dream is to find a cool loft in Philly but how am I going to find a job within a year and month that’ll pay for such things? So here I am ya’ll. A bouncing selfish mess of mess. I am sure it’ll all turn around soon and I’ll be back to my normal happy self but til then.. . just got to deal with the punches as they come at me. It’s growing up. I’m doing it.
I wish I could properly articulate half the stuff in my mind without showing you all how nuts I really am. Nuts, or normal?
I’ll leave you with this : I am so mad that I am not happy. I am so unhappy with my job and the fact that I am not doing what I love just because of money. I need to get creative.
I need to be me again.