no more losing the war

This has been one of the most emotional and trying months in a long time. A lot of good has happened but so has bad. Is it lame to mention the circle of life? I’ve been sad. The kind off sad that makes you think drinking while sad is the greatest idea ever and you end up just crying and screaming at everyone. I am losing my second mother. She is dying as I type this.
We knew the end of the road would come but we didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I moved to Delaware when I was almost 13. I met my next door neighbor Katie who is just a year younger than I. Through the way children do we became best friends. Now I consider her my sister. We have had a 13 year long friendship that has had it’s up and downs but I have never stopped caring for her as though she is part of my family. I know she feels the same for me too. Her mother wwatched me grow up. Let me cry when I was the third or fifth wheel and she always said my time would come. Chris, her mother, truly became a second mom to me. I love her. Now I am going to be saying I LOVED her. She’s been battling cancer for a really long time. This past Friday I find out my sister from another mister is signing the papers for hospice. S aturday she tells me on Friday she signed a DNR. This is shit a 24 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. I keep telling her I am here for her. Trying to be that pillar of strength while I am just a hot mess myself. In culmination of this my family is having financial issues. My grandmother isn’t well either. She’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile now. I feel a weight on my chest and sometimes all I can do is close my eyes and try to fast forward time a little. To when we are out of the darkness and we are coping better.
All this is happening then I get a kiss off from the guy who I liked and who seemed to really like Me. He was musicslly all there. Loved the same music I did.or do. Whatever. Had an amazing date and amazing kiss. He kissed me like he fucking meant it. Then a day before I was foing to drive and see him he calls and says the hour and the half driving distance is too much for him. He came up with a thousand excuses and I cried a thousand stupid lame ass tears. I so wanted that one to work out. With these trying times it would have been nice to have someone to lean on a little. Instead I am back to just leaning on me to try inner strength. Again. Gotta keep the hope alive. He found his excuse early on for his out. I’m just going to patiently wait for the one who doesn’t find an excuse. Who am I kidding I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Just send out positive vibes. I am trying o get it together while hating mostly everything right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is I move out on April 13th. Hello queen sized bed.


are you ten years ago?

Shits about to get real man. About the surgery. I know it’s not too far away. I know I was only on the three month plan. I know this is what I want to do. I know this is the best decision for me. Extreme? Maybe. But the shit i’ve been through since age 12 man its been a struggle. Some people struggle with drugs, sex, money, gambling, anorexia, I struggle with being fat. Its a common known fact by the looks of this blog and me. Today I went for the appointment to meet with a psychologist and nurse practitioner to go over my health inside and out. I am pleased to announce that I am psychologically sound to get the surgery but he did recommend I seek out some counseling but he didn’t think it was necessary to get the surgery. I am going to do it any way because I’ve been thinking about it. I want to be able to get shit off my chest and make sure I’m doing this for all the right reasons like for me and not sick saddistic revenge for allt he kids that treated me like shit in middle/high school to be like FUCK YOU I’M SKINNY NOW EAT SHIT! Or is that so terrible? Those are the things I will research with my counselor 🙂 THat and the whole should I actually trust men? To be continued on that.
So yes, I am cleared for surgery mentally. All I have to do is pass the cardiology tests( stress test, echo, and ultra sound) and the pulmonary stuff (i really couldn’t tell you what I have to do haha) and finish the life skills and nutrition classes. That all wraps up July 22nd. The tests for cardio will be finished july 29th and pulmonary i’ve been holding off until I could breathe through my nose again. The surgery could seriously be in August. I’m not freaking out but i am taking into consideration that today was June 20th. That this really is happening. A lot of people are still giving me shit. Like why are you getting the surgery. Like have you seen me? Have you seen how unhappy I am with myself? How unhealthy I am? I don’t consider those people my friends. They are mere associates.
So that’s all that’s been in my head.
Another sad thing happened today that I’m sure any Jackass, CKY, Viva la bam, Delaware Valley(aka local celebrity) people know about: Ryan Dunn dying in that car accident. Some people are giving people shit about posting RIP Dunn on their facebook. Can’t people have respect and compassion for the death of a fellow human? Call me a bleeding heart but I happen to give a shit. I did not know that guy personally but I hope any person (besides someone like the devil) rests in peace in death. I actually just saw Ryan Dunn up close and personal with Bam at the thirty seconds to mars show in Camden so it sucks. Even if alcohol was involved because I know that I’ve fucked up on a level like that. Drinking and driving is hella bad but is easier to do than some people think, unfortunately. So I’m going to close with a REST IN PEACE RYAN DUNN AND his passenger/friend Zach.
like seriously watch this vid from

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how can you watch that and not CARE? Not feel something?