“Don’t wait for anyone,” she said, “The only thing that’s guaranteed to happen is losing precious time.”
I read those above words on thought catalog today and I was just in awe of its simplicity. It is true. Why wait for ANYONE?! I am in a great place in my life where I am not waiting for anyone. I’m not waiting for anyone to make moves because I don’t care. While it is lovely to kiss and be held it isn’t top priority at this moment. Getting my bills/finances in order is. Decorating my apartment is. Maybe because of this laissez faire attitude towards dating is why I am actually going on dates? Maybe because pof.com doesn’t completely suck as everyone thinks? I don’t know. I’m not searching anyone out. The profiles out there if anyone wants to drop me a line. If they seem interesting I reply. I love meeting new people and I think, at this point in my life, that should be what it’s all about. I’m not expecting to find the love of my life. I am just out there for new experiences and new stories to tell. Sometimes I feel like my world is so small and limited because of my time. I work anywhere from 48 hours a week to 65. I work in a call center and a beauty store in the mall. How am I going to meet new people that way?
How did this post become so convuluted. I started with one measely quote and went off in some tangent. I don’t know. This week has been crazy. I moved into my own place and worked every single day except this past Sunday. I have come down with a cold and I am just tired all the time. So. Me. Focus on me. Stop waiting for people and just keep going down my own path toward enlightenment.
I am a crappy blogger. I get it. I just only have my phone to post on right now since I have yet to buy a new battery for my lap top. Um. Lemme order that off amazon right now.
Anyway lots has been going on vida de Krystal. I purchased my own car finally. She is a hooptie kinda but she is all mines. A 98 kia with 100, 000 miles. New tires, battery, breaks, and a nixe head unit all for the low price of 995. My hopefully future room mate and I applied for a gorgeous apartment last Friday. It is a two bedroom with 2.5 bathrooms with all kinds of gorgeous amenities. Not to mention dat kitchen. So. With my shoddy credit that is our only true concern. We both make the right amount of money to afford rent plus utilities plus Some of my concert addictions. I have paif a goof chunk to the only negative thing on my account; my t mobile bill from when I was 21. I got it down to 450 from 630. It shouls reflect that I have made a payment arrangement with em so I am hoping with that and thr combo of my room mate’s kick ass credit we shall be fine. Hoping to hear back soon so I can buy myself a queen size mattress and box spring. Plus pots and pans! I am beyond excited for my future independence. Cant even deny this is going to make dating so much easier. Wanma go back to watch a movie and some ya know what I’m saying? No probs because I will have my own place. I keep thinking of a sweet wine rack that will undoubtedbly have half enpty bottles on it. I hope everything works out. This apartment is gorgeous
24 hour gym and they serve you breakfast Monday through Friday in their club house. Shit is too legit to quit. Plus m room mate is perfect. She has a schedule opposite of mine and is so even keeled. Plus I am not the type to being a huge party in my own space. Plus I love to cook. I am a catch men. Get on it.
Speaking of men I have had my heart bruised. I was starting to like this kid so damn much then he turns loco on me talking about how he is nt over his past relationship. Ugh. So he pulled the ol we dont know what the future holds bull shit but let me tell you… I am hurt. Dont feed me this amazing possible relationship and then do a full on 180. Please. That’s why I put myself back on okcupid and I have a date on Sunday. And possibly tonight. Anddd a couple of other guys trying to meet me. Honestly I was all dom and gloom about the rejection then three other dudes popped up. Thanks universe!
That brings me to my next point.
A lot of men are down with women with meat on their bones. They dig all of this. I am going to brag right now. I have pulled some straight up, inarguable, hotties. Sure shit never became anything really but hey they were undoubtedbly attracted to me and we had good times hanging out. Hell the guy who bruised my heart has the prettiest eyes that may be why my heart is so bruised. Sucker for some dark lashes around light eyes. I admit if he changed his mind down the line I will prob give him another chance. Actually, I know I will. I havent had legitimate FEELINGS for a dude in a long time. Looking back on the last thing that could of been anything… I didnt care about him anywhere near the way he cared about me. Plus his baggage… and the fact he never dropped said baggage I found out later… I made the right decision. I have learned a lot. Cried a lot. And I am still going. Seriously cross your fingers for this apartment. I need my own kitchen
I am a way stronger woman than I was a year ago. While I am still coming to terms with my weight and how much more I need to lose I know I look better than I have ever in YEARS. I feel better and I am taking care of myself.
So I have been dating. And hooking up. This past week I have dated a guy who is so crazy into me so quick I am so put off. Be careful what you wish for right? While I opened up about how my image of my body freaks me out and makes me feel un-sexy he frequently reminds me how sexy he thinks I am. By frequently I mean every time we see each other. He says things like I’m in his dreams and in his heart. He wants to see me all the time in ways that aren’t necessarily convenient for me. Like a quick stop in at my job to say hi is nice if you just so happen to be co.ing to the mall. That’s cool but please don’t go out of your way. I thought this was all what I wanted but we have literally only been talking for a week and two days. And he brings oup the word boyfriend. I am not ready for such terms when I was just wanting to date and see what happens. I am JUST starting out in this dating game. I am not necessarily where I need to be in loving myself wholly. I am aware of this. Homeboy has been saying the sweetest shit but it’s way too much too fast. It’s not like he even has the ability to be in a committed relationship because he has baggage. Lots of it. Not necessarily the kind of baggage that could go well with mine either. I am trying my best to nice this nice guy a chance but he needs to understand the amount wriggle room I need. I am a strong woman. Fiercely independent woman. I love my time to myself. I love flirting and just seeing where the road takes me. I like just taking a random weekend trip to see my best friend I don’t mind going to concerts alone. I also like it when people actually fucking listen to me when I say I don’t want a boyfriend. Because I don’t. Not on the immediate. Why is everyone so quick to jump into these really serious relationship when you barely know each other. There’s no way this guy know me because he just talks about himself all the time. He doesn’t understand that while every other male treated me like shit the other ones I did like and start to kinda date tried to vice grip me too soon and that’s not me. I don’t roll that way. So if he stopped to listen to me for five seconds… he’d realize he is going about this in the most wrong way possible. I am literally only telling you have the storey here because there is more to his clingy behavior. I just can’t share some of it because I am not gonna blab this guy’s business completely out there. I am trying my best here to be open to something new and give it a chance but why force something already? can’t we just hang out and get to know each other slowly like normal people? I am not trying to be difficult or contradictory to the fact that I wanna spend time with men… I just don’t want someone up my ass forcing the boyfriend word on my after a week and a half of talking. That’s crazy talk. Mr I wanna spend the night with you just to hold you we don’t even have to do anything… like that’s all nice (because I told him de facto that I am not screwing him right away) but I just met you. Like it’s nice but ah! I wanna scream out of frustration because where is my happy medium? Where is the damn mystery? Its either home boy is totally disinterested or they’re all up in my grill. I kinda wanna run away and never come back and that’s not a fun feeling to have. I don’t ever want to feel trapped. I don’t want to end up with a guy because I feel bad because he’s so nice therefore I should just stay with him for posterity or whatever. That’s never fair for either party. While it’d be nice to share my limited time with someone EVENTUALLY I gotta be real and say I am not done being selfish. I work two jobs. Sometimes 60 hours a week between both of them. Maybe I am just not made for relationships. Maybe I’ll never get married. As long as I’m happy in other forms… I don’t see this as a bad thing.
So since my last post I crossed the 25 years young threshold. I brought in the new year of life with amazing people and I am so thankful.
I have started my soul searching once more. I have realized that I am a mess and I need to clean myself up. I can’t organize my thoughts sometimes and I feel like I have to conquer so much at once instead of just doing one thing at a time.
My mind just cannot rest. I keep my eyes on all the prizes I could have and sometimes my vision gets cloudy.
Sometimes I really think I don’t even need a therapist. I know what is up with me. I know that I am scared sometimes. Just so damn scared that I won’t amount to nothing. That i’ll be a drone and never do what I want to do FOR REAL.
SO, I am doing an open mic night on the 20th. I am doing Joss Stone’s Fell in Love with a Boy. Step one ladies and gents. It’s a step. I am also dating. I have a legit date on Tuesday. I don’t know what’s going to happen. If he’s gonna see me and run for the hills because he can’t handle that I am of.. size? I don’t know what the HELL I am going to wear. Maybe this outfit:
I may wear my new boots that have a 2 inch heel. Homeboy is 6 feet tall so I think I’ll be ok with a tiny heel. I am nervous as all hell but honestly I have to do it. I have to get over the initial scary parts of it and just see what happens. I just need to get more comfortable with dudes. I can’t just keeping thinking they’re all going to hurt me eventually. That’s all I think. But am I wrong for being guarded? I don’t want to immerse myself into some guy and make him my everything when he’s just gonna be looking for something new the entire time. I am just trying to keep myself a step ahead of the situation. I think there is no reason not to try though. I am just gonna do that: try. But not too hard because then you look desperate, right?
Look, let’s be real here ya’ll. I’m meeting this guy from ok cupid. The internet dating bull shit has calmed down by now right? I mean for fucks sake it is a legit TAG on my favorite website for fucks sake. So that’s me being honest on mah blog. I have a date with a dude from the internet. Get the fuck over it. Met one of my best friends from the internet. She kinda rocks my world too. Check her tumblr out. Why is there such a negative connotation to internet dating? I don’t get it. I mean I do because I am still slightly embarrassed that I have an internet dating profile. Like just the other day a friend of my was bitching about POF.com and her friend commented you’re too pretty for internet dating. I know that person isn’t in the minority in thinking that either. If someone says that to me I have an answer lined up already. I would be like, uh, thanks and all but I’m already signed up because people I meet in person haven’t worked out. Boom. Either they play games, they take too FUCKING long to do ANYTHING, they just wanna fuck, they don’t wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship, they like your best friend, they like your sister, they are the complete opposite of who you are as a person(not talking musically here. REAL issues but if you can’t go to a festival or even one concert with me that is a real fucking issue), they’re shallow, they ask you via fb message to screw, they’re too far away, they’re in a relationship already… I think you get my point okay so no i’m not too pretty for internet dating.
I swear I’m not angry guys. Not even bitter. Just keeping it real. I am stronger for these realizations and it is all good.
One should not write in anger. I’m not really angry as much as I am annoyed. I just want to yell REALLY?! In the worst way possible. That kinda deal. Should one write in annoyance? I am going to. You know why? Because shit needs to be ADDRESSED. As a fucking PSA. I thought this dude was sweet. I thought he was unassuming. Thought he was just mad shy. Lies. Lies I tell you. Misconception to the nth degree or maybe he just assumed I was easy. Maybe it’s the edenfantasys plugs I do every now and then? My size? The fact that I can shake my ass on the dance floor?
(&& sometimes i’m not a classy girl and I do kiss in bars )
but I don’t go home with anyone and sometimes they’re Irish so you just go with it.
The odd ways I’m requested for sex just wins all the awards when it’s randomly messaged to you on a facebook message. Really random. Especially when you’ve hung out ONCE and none of the aforementioned possible easy misconception occurred. No, kid didn’t even get a damn KISS. I know sex crosses everyone’s mind like a whole bunch of times but what the hell? Did this kid think I would be wooed by his grammatically incorrect message? An apology immediately followed me response of um, no. I had to school him about the fact we weren’t on any kind of level for this to be messaged. I basically said you don’t message people this. I didn’t even follow with ASSHOLE like I wanted to. He response? The ever mature, what ever. Sir, whatever is one word. Don’t get it twisted. I thought i’d give this nice boy a chance when there was all these flags but really I’m happily single at this point if this is the nonsense expected to go down in “dating.” Dating is sooo loosely used here.
I’m a nice girl. I’m a kind girl. I feel like I’m a pretty girl. I feel it most of the time, anyway. Do I need to blare No Scrubs on the reg for things to get better dude wise? I really am not even looking anymore. I took my dating profile down now. There was this dude who was really trying to take me out but he was hitting up stalker status asking me where I worked so he could visit me. Um, no? I appreciate the pursuit (like it is super flattering) but this is my place of occupation. Upon meeting me once, at a strange time at the beach, do not ask where a girl works to stalk her at the mall. Please don’t ever do this guys. It’s not cute it is stalker status. I think it annoyed him that I wouldn’t tell him so he told me to google him. Ay yi yi. Be careful what you wish for huh? Meanwhile the guy I DO like doesn’t seem to be on that level 😦 . I need a rule book for dating. I swear. My two rules so far are these:
DON’T ask to screw via facebook message
DON’T ask a girl where she works so you can visit her place of occupation as she works when you live forty five minutes away.
Is the second rule too harsh? I’m not giving the whole story here. There were many texts (that were bordering super persistent and annoying) the proceeded that text. It’s so beautiful out but these mosquitoes are biting my ankles! Until later…
you know what my main problem is? I am irrevocably attracted to emotionally damaged, unavailable, unattainable men. I need to change that but I want to keep my integrity at the same time. Feel me?
Being me… is hard, romantically. If all I wanted was to smash I’d be the belle of many balls ( oh my god haha.) That isn’t what I want. I what a real friendship and relationship. I have come way too far to settle. The problem is when I DO set my sights on someone 9.5 times out of 10 they will never want to be with me. Whether it be because of my weight or other reasons. A big problem for me too is my dating pool has been picked over by the buzzards a long time ago. I don’t live in a thriving city. I live in Newark Delaware. Everyone knows everyone and everyone has fucked everyone.
I have tried a few dating sites and I hate em. I have tried some and it’s not for me. IThat’s just me. I know some success stories from people that I know but I would really like it to happen organically for me. At least once. Besides it goes by area and I am not feeling my own area. Maybe I can join Euro Singles. I literally crack myself up.
I have been seriously toying with moving to Nashville. I am very good at adapting. I think I could settle in there and hopefully meet actual men. But my toying would have to turn into planning. That involves me paying off my debts, getting a car, and saving at least 2 grand for start up on an apartment and a new life.
I am on a hunt for satisfaction. I’m on the pursuit of happiness. I’m getting ichy and I need to scratch. I hope I find what path I want soon so I can start the stepping. I hope you all understand where i’m coming from. Let me get off of here and enjoy the outside world.
“I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness And I Know Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold
I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good”
I created one of those ticker things online for a sleeve forum for tracking my weight loss. I was in shock to find out since April/May I have lost 52 pounds. That’s the most weight I have lost in my entire life. I can’t believe it. I still have roughly 160 pounds to go but THAT is a huge accomplishment. I don’t feel so hot sometimes though. I’m not begging for compliments but when people say you look so good I’m like really? I just see how much I have to lose. I know this is a poor attitude, and I should celebrate my loss, but I just get mad. Like why did I let myself get so big that I have so far to go? On another note I don’t know why I still like people who don’t like me. its so high school. SO HIGH SCHOOL. Why do I want people who expressed over 6 years ago, when I was thinner mind you, that they didn’t want me. It’s foolish. I think i’m hanging out to this guy in my head because I don’t know many guys. I am gaining my confidence but my self esteem was so low its not a huge improvement. It’s just I have been SLAMMED before by guys I thought were good guys. Torn apart bit by bit. I know other women have been there done that but my sensitivity is such a curse. So is my good memory for bad shit. I ahve never had a boyfriend. Never been on a date.I have had drunken stupid hook ups (that did NOT include sex) but that’s it. I am an innocent 24 year old ; ). Things could be worse I know. I could have been saddled with one of those douchebags only for them to use me and abuse me. I guess everything happens for a reason. I guess I’m lucky in a way. I do wish I had more experience with guys just to really figure out how a guy works. I have had guy friends and I have seen my friends and THEIR boyfriends but I never experienced a relationship. I’m sure I can adapt though. I’m a fast learner : ). I think I need to get out of Delaware. The pickins are so slim here. I think we’re too close to the Jersey Shore ha ha.