You’re all four seasons rolled into one

I am feeling all writey today. So I’m going to write a brief piece of fiction. There is no back story. There is no real reason for this. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe I’m wishing for a future and i’m trying to write it out to make it true. Whatevs. Here is. Read and perceive at your own risk and all that.

I lick my lips in anticipation of his kiss. I am so sick of forced entries. The violation of the tongue down my throat and the agression that causes our teeth to gnash together. I hate that the most. A perfectly good kiss can be ruined but teeth gnashing. I want this kiss more than I have wanted a lot of things lately. His perfect Bambi eyes are trained on my mouth but he does not make a move. The light brown is perfectly framed with luscious lashes. His lids are low and I am enraptured. He does nothing. Maddening. This is maddening. I pull back for fear of rejection. I push a stray bit of my dark hair behind my ear and look to the floor. My toe nail polish is chipping and I curl my toes in embarassament. He is not looking at my sandaled feet. He is looking at my lips. I bite my bottom lip in confusion and frustration. He pulls me closer by grabbing onto my jean belt loop. I place a hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat through his thin cotton t-shirt. I am poised for the perfect kiss. My head is tilted upward and slightly adjusted to go right. His full lips part. I’m ready. He leans forward and delicately places a kiss on my forehead. I sigh in contentment and with wanting. He cups my chin and softly rubs it with his thumb. I bite my lip again. My mind is going four thousand times a minute. My mouth ruins this completely perfect moment; ” Just my forehead?” He laughs at the ludicrous words. The thoughtless manner I had spoken them. I amuse him. He kisses the tip of my nose. I giggle like a teenager. I am frustrated, yet amused as well. His eyes are searching again. This time my eyes. What is he trying to see? I scrunch my nose and he laughs at me again. I can’t help but make light of the seriousness of this so called perfect moment. I don’t have perfect moments. It’s better to muck them up so when it fails there is always that fall back to know it wasn’t as great as you remembered. This gesture causes him to grin further. I huff and say; “Am I really so fun to make fun of?” No longer grinning he seriously places each hand on the sides of my face.
“No, you’re beautiful.” I want to refute the compliment. His statement. It is my MO to deny a compliment. To force it back with a negative. He says the words so sincerely my heart thumps faster and I want to cry. For I do believe his words because I just began to believe them myself. I say nothing else but smile shyly. Lost in the fact that a moment as perfect as this could happen to unlucky in romance me. He holds me closer in his arms and I fold into them. I rest my head below his chin and his stubble rests easily on my forehead. I sigh and smile.
“The stars are so bright tonight,” he says suddenly. I look up to the night sky. He’s right of course but I must point out the obvious:
“That’s is such a THING to say at a time like this.”
He kisses my forehead again. Not saying a word but continues to look up. I break away from his embrace and sit on the grass beside his feet. He follows suit. We sit side by side in this empty field staring up into the sky streched before us. I feel like there is an electricity between us. We bring our fingers together. Lace them together and lie back on the dewey spring grass.
“There is going to be a million bugs in my hair after this and I don’t even care.” I am always ruining the moment. He squeezes my hand tighter has his deep laugh resonates in the night air.
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you do know that right?” I shrug and look at him. My face become wet from the grass. I scrinch my nose again. As if he could not contain himself anymore he brings his face to mine and kisses me softly. He swings is leg over my body. His weight is welcome and I lose my fingers in his feather soft hair. Why is his hair so much softer than mine? I try and not to think of this as I part my lips and his tongue slips in and dances with mine. He isn’t aggressive and the teeth gnashing is absent. We kiss under the stars and get lost in the moment. Who knows if I’ll see him tomorrow? I never know anymore. This much I do know: it’s all about the story.

sleeping sickness

I can’t fall back to sleep. I had a dinner date with one of my closest friends last night. We hung out for awhile ans made it back home around 10:30. I was passed out at 11 Iwas so tired. I’ve just been so tired lately. Sunday I got home so late and woke up so early.. I think that screwed me all up.
I am such a contradiction. I am contradiction. “I lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts.” I’m about ready to start the day so I think this constitutes an early bed. Oh Fiona. I relate to you more and more as I get older.
Warning. This post may be all over the place.

I’ve lingered long enough
My thoughts are languished and my heart is tired
You’re an empty vessel in a full world
A foolish world
Were you made to tease?
Everything happens
I’ve made a mess of things
Young and dumb
Callously bruised
Undertaking this under current
I’m buzzing for days
I do everything in vain
Married to the vanity and the insanity
Weary of the letdown
The one that is so expected
The one that is widely accepted
Its appropriate to look at the big picture
Let’s call this all hindsight
Shouldn’t have
I shouldn’t have
Every moment becomes a story
In the back of the mind of the wanderers
Labored and loving
Loving the wrong
Hating the right
Backwards into the cumbersome realities
Odds of bending over to break
Just enough to seem like it mattered
Put your own spin on random
Until the next time. Til I am at a loss once more
Lingering. I’m lingering where I am not wanted
Not wanted by the ones you want

Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole

I am an impatient woman. I want every NOW. It’s a stupid way to be and I know this. I think I bitch about my impatience every three posts or so. Maybe more frequently. I just can’t stand it sometimes. I look at my progress and I’m just like why isn’t things happening?! Things as in dudes that I actually like coming up and sweeping me off my feet. I keep getting stage fives. (CLINGERS for those who haven’t seen wedding crashes in a bajillion years.)
I am literally the crazy girl that looks at her visitors list on okcupid and i’m all like “WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO MESSAGE ASSHOLES?!”
I am not everyones cup of tea. DUH. I know this. But super irrational- wanting- some- action Krystal is all GRR. Yeah I said it. Honesty peoples. HONESTY. I’m 25 now. I’d like some kinda steady SOMETHING. Jeez. Delaware is no joke a dating wasteland. I swear to it. Where I live it’s like six degrees of separation. I have been friend zoned because I am mutually friends with an ex like forty seven times over. I see the same people everywhere I go.If I make a fool out of myself in one place in front of one group of people I guarantee you i’ll see them at the next venue. It’s all very small town up here in Newark Delaware. I live in “college town.” Guarantee you if I go to this one place tomorrow I am going to see the guy I confessed my crazy crush on while I was drunk on Halloween.
BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. I can only hope that when he sees me again (it’s a when not an if) That he was too drunk to remember that catastrophe. All the nonsense I spewed (it was honest but so UBER embarrassing) is so BAD. I can only hope he really was too hammered to remember. PLEASE. I know i’m a fuck up because can I please get that one pass? NO! BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. It’s the answer to every bull shit that happens here. BECAUSE IT’S DELAWARE. My urge to GET OUT has been worse than ever. I went on vacation last week to New Orleans and Vegas… Before you get all super jelly and shit i’ll break it down this way.
New Orleans was an epic Bourbon Street SHIT SHOW(IN A GREAT WAY)
Vegas was just a bad shit show but at least I shared it with my best friend.

New Orleans: I went down with three other awesome girls to see the Eagles game with the Green Legion.. Eagles lost but we did not. We just had an amazing time on Bourbon Street. Oh sweet,sweet NOT IN DELAWARE debauchery. Still pretty sure half of Delaware and Philly were there anyway peeping me win TWO ass poppin/shaking contests at two bars. It was all class I tell you. I won’t tell all my secrets but I will say I had a great fucking time.

Vegas:Oh that utter shit show. We had issues with money because the hotel misguided us on the “hold” for money was going to work on Leslie’s credit card. I got paid directly on Friday the 9th so we made big plans to go HARD that day. See the Grand Canyon and go to the a legit Vegas club. Nah, we get assaulted and robbed instead Thursday night. Not getting too into detail because it just sucks but they got my purse with my id, debit card, cell phone, and two dollars (because I didn’t get paid til the morning.) They made out with Leslie’s cell phone. Worst vacation ever but at least we were together. Two girls alone in Vegas? Not safe. That’s my warning to ya’ll.

So. This was my first full week of work since my vacation. I have been going insane with thoughts of how I need to GET OUT. Get far away from Delaware. I don’t know where I want to end up. I want to end up in a place where I feel like I can fit in and still find someone new to meet every day. I fucking HATE monotony. I hate it. I have to stop bitching about it and be proactive. The real plan as of now it just save as much as I can. Figure out the rest later. Like the where. The where can be anywhere once I have my finances together. I cannot stay in Delaware anymore. I am convinced I won’t have a meaningful relationship here. My dreams are so big. My heart is too full and I can’t stand how people know my past so thoroughly that they judge me without getting to know the woman I am becoming. It isn’t just about looks. I HAVE changed drastically but I am still BIG. Let me lay it to you straight. The biggest size I wore was 30/32. Now I wear size 20 jeans from Forever 21. That’s junior plus size ya’ll. Regular plus at the avenue i’m a good 18. That’s like 12 sizes down in a year! My mentality is all over the place. I’m all yay i’m getting thinner look how awesome I look but i’m still not awesome looking enough for these menial college age dudes to wanna date me. Oh, they’ll fuck me. But date me? Like go out in public and hold my hand and shit? NOT UP IN HERE.
I have gone on some dates recently. Didn’t feel that THING. That spark. I wanna be animalistically attracted to someone.Some people give me different advice. Some say keep going feel them out more others say within five minutes you know if you wanna tango. I am at a loss of what I feel. I just feel like i should feel one way or another. If I don’t feel strong enough in the positive column I just don’t wanna waste their time. They don’t have to be Channing Tatum or shit like that. For fucks sake my ideal man is the most lumber jack looking fuck you’d ever meet. That and he’ll be ginger. Oh I have such a red head fetish. It’s stupid. Prince Harry, Ed Sheeran, Damian Lewis, or Kevin MOTHERFUCKING Mckidd. Yeah. That’s the shit I like. With hipsteresque style. That’s what I’m into but it’s not what I exclusively go for. I promise you that.It’s just something I’m attracted to.I am honestly open to a myriad of different men. I am kinda boy crazy. Not gonna fraud.
I AM one of those girls that wants a guy who wants to push me to go for my dreams, has his own aspirations,wants to go to concerts with me,understands my crazy, isn’t super crazy clingy in the first 10 minutes, DRIVES ME CRAZY in a good way, makes me feel passion, leaves me alone when I need it, and can kiss me to make my knees weak(physically or figuratively) when i’m sober. Am I even making sense here?

I read this super awesome piece today about a woman, who’s definitely my size, who’s a porn star. Not saying I wanna be a porn star but it’s empowering to see a woman who is GORGEOUS and PLUS SIZE owning the shit out of who she is. I love that. I am never going to be a size 6. I may get down to 14 and that will still be considered plus size. So I really need to get on her level and just own my shit and then the rest will come. I know this. I really, really, really do. I sometimes just get the mean reds when I am in a full house but I feel like i’m alone with these dark thoughts. It’s honestly just my mind going a million times a minute because I just know about all the possibility. I know what I am capable of. I’m capable of this:

top is May 2011 the bottom is like this September or some shit

I just need to be capable of keeping my sanity. I gotta get my shit together so I can seize the day even MORE.
I am an entitled cunt aren’t I? I really am. I’m sorry. I swear to you i’m a good person. I’ve just been bidding my time for so long! I have been fighting this weight loss battle most of my life and now that I have the enemy troops,mostly, at bay I WANNA PLAY. I missed out SO MUCH from 18 to 23. I still went out and had I good time but it was all a sham. I wasn’t really happy HAPPY. I hated the way I looked and I was so unhealthy. I am still no picture of health but at least I can go to zumba for an hour and still want to do more. I am trying here. I am trying so damn hard to get it together and be the woman i thought i’d be at 25. I can do it. I have good people in my corner and I love them for it.