wear your heart on your cheek

I now know what it’s like to hurt someone. To break a heart so to speak. Its not really my fault but I feel bad regardless.
I have been “talking” to a guy that was so cute and so sweet. I really liked him but not enough to say you are the one I could date seriously and be bf/gf with. I told him that from the beginning that I was not ready for a full on relationship. I didn’t understand how he could be either because of the baggage he was coming with. The main issues with our WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS is this: he thought he could change me.
I have done a lot of changing on my own this year. I embraced my womanhood and embraced my true extroverted nature. I have finally started living the life I should’ve left all along. He knew all this. I am an extremely honest person. He tried to call me his girlfriend on several occasions and I freaked out. Has he really not heard the screams of I am not ready.? Maybe it boils down to me not liking him enough to give up on going out on the weekends. That was what really sent his ass reeling. He said he can’t be with someone with that lifestyle. Dude. I told you that was my life from the JUMP. My honesty… was sincere. Did he think that he could change me just because he told me how beautiful I was? I can’t be with someone whole heartedly if they don’t listen. Look, here’s the thing everyone. I am set in my ways. I am all for compromise but to so a complete 180 for a guy I barely know is simply absurd. Especially a guy who’s essentially proclaimi ng his love for me after a few weeks of hanging out. We went on one real date.
I think he has an idealized version of who I was and he was sadly disappointed. He seems like a lost soul and maybe the military fucked him up a lot too. Maybe he felt like he had to rush things with me because he’s afraid of being alone. I used to be that way. Now I like myself too much to settle for whatever comes my way. Relationship wise especially. I’m coming to anage where if you’re going to be in a real relationship with someone you have to think about long haul shit. Do you know how many engagements were announced on facebook this month? A shit ton. I have no desire to get married to anyone at this point. I haven’t been persuaded to lean any which way in that spectrum of life. Maybe I just suck at sharing. I just feel like before I share my life with someone I need to make my life. I want to travel more and have random ass romantic trysts in Europe. I want to sing more in public and finally finish that novel I have been working on. I don’t want to have regrets in life because I just got married to the first guy who asked me. I wish homeboy had actually listened to me and then he wouldn’t be all butt hurt. This month felt like I was in a controlling relationship ans I wasn’t even in a friggin relationship. I am glad I stood my ground and said NO when I did to save us both a lot of heart ache. Just because the affection was nice doesn’t make up for the fact that we probably wouldn’t make it as a couple. I am a realist. I know him having a child makes him in a different place in his life. Being in the military makes him different. I am still very much a young woman figuring life out. I will not be pressured to change so I could be someone’s future wife. If you can’t accept who I am now then… you won’t accept me later because I. Am not changing when I have come so far as to know who the hell I am. What a learning experience this was. I am eternally grateful for the boy for helping me realize what I don’t want.

if i could open my arms and span the length of the isle of manhattan i’d bring it to where you are

I think you guys think I am totally contradictory. I guess I am. Or I am a ever changing female changing to suit my own happiness. Go figure. A lot of people are doing that thing were they analyze me because they think they know me. But… I am a mess of different things. I have so many different kinds of friends with different interests becausse I hate doing the same thing every day. I change my mind a lot but then I am also kind of stubburn. Does that make sense? I am a woman indecisive tendencies but then again I usually stick to my guns. I think a lot of people think I am one picky bitch because I usually don’t like the men that like me. I just know what I like. I am not interested in uber awkwardness of the third kind by dating someone who has no balls. Or the kind of balls that is the cheesiest among cheesiest. Am I hard on men? Maybe. I just go by the examples around me. My pops is a great husband and provider. He treats my mommdukes like a queen. He takes her out every weekend and blatantly loves her. I have also seen how men can cheat. Cheat so bad that I am scared that 85% of men cheat and I will NEVER tolerate for that. (It is NOT my father who has cheated. He has never done that.) I am a very strong woman in that sense. I have gone 23 years without a man in my life and if I can’t get a faithful one I would say adios faster than the speed of light. Women deserve better than that. As well as men with hardcore issues such as abusive behaviors. Mind ninjas and physical abusers as well as drug and alcohol abusers. I would never tolerate for that. I am not that kind of girl either. So, I am wary. I may bitch and moan about how I want a guy… But in all reality… I don’t want just a guy. I want a great guy. A guy I can laugh with. The one I can be a total spazz in front of and he would never look down on me for that. So while I appreciate a compliment from a guy that are all like “You’re beautiful…” I take it with a grain of salt. I know men have ulterior motives. I have learned from the best that a lot of guys want that ass and only that ass. I am not having none of that. So, I’ll keep working on my confidence and body so I can get to my own level of self happiness. If the right guy comes a long I won’t turn him away. Accepting applications but not hiring. HA! If I’d be honest with myself I am really waiting for HIM but… I know I am not what he wants. I am not talking about Miguel btw. I am over that. SO over that. We’re friends but I have no romantic notions. I swear. But the guy that i am talking about I wish a million wishes but it’s okay. He isn’t attracted to me the same way I am not attracted to certain guys. Whether its my weight or not… I speculate but I am not pointing fingers. It could very well be that but it could also be that because my confidence level fails in certain ways and that makes me even more unattractive. But the thing of it is I haven’t always been this big but I was never small. My freshman and sophomore year I was thick in all the right places but still too thick for the boys of that age circa 2002. So anyway. I am growing up and life is not passing me by. I may be single and I’d bitch and moan but really… I just know what I want. I go out and have fun and I don’t do it by sleeping around with any dude that says hey. I think that’s saying something. Right?

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

The things that you do You’re my best friend Ooo, you make me live.

She gets me. She totally totally gets me. She understands my whims, my mood swings, my tears, my frustrations, and bursts of epic craziness. She’s my wifey and sister and crime. When I freak out she offers amazing advice. I just fail at taking it but you know what I am going to do now? Follow more on the fuck everyone and do me attitude. Boys= heart ache. Fake friends= drama. I am just getting my ducks in line to get my shit together in the most epic way. My steps to my adult hood and self actualization to feel less less and get my muchness in order. I freaked out in a major way saturday if you read the post before last with the depression and the alcohol and apparently i said and did a lot of fucked up crap. Talking mad ish on myself and what not. It is just funny how I can predict the future though. I future screwage of overage. I sensed it back in high school with my first and only love (whom I have rekindled the friendship key word here is FRIEND) and a girl, whom I was friends with, decided to become a bit closer to me. I was like cool new friend but no the broad was out for blood. For HIM. I was like oh shnap on my wanna be man! The thing of it is me and him were close and I just so happened to be madly in love with him and homegirl and everyone and their mom knew he was my booface even though we so werent dating. But she broke the girl code and hopped on that. I totally sensed it too. I knew it soo hard. He invited me over the house and boom there they were and I KNEW something had just happened. Then your boy made me take her home! Still pisses me off to this day even though I have kinda brushed the sitch off. It’s been years but I am “the kinda kid that can’t let anything go” (f.o.b.) so I remember everything and hold tiny grudges. I should be over it but once betrayed always wounded. So a similar thing recently happened but I was no where near in love with the kid but I did like him an awful lot. It’s just so silly and I shouldn’t care because I don’t even want a relationship right now. Well, I do. But with someone who has their shit together forrealsies. I just hate being lied to and made a fool of. Understandable, correct?
Anywho- back to my bestie. LaTOYA is a true friend. If a person can stand to look at me after being sober and seeing my deplorable behavior Saturday they are a true true true true friend. Her and Tom(her hubby mi hermano) are the kindest people and they truly are my family. I owe them, their parents, and sister a lot. They are just such good people and I love them all so much. Toya and Tom keep me grounded and they have my back always. So this post is a dedication to them because I have been down a little lately I think a lot of it is (TMI) pmsing and being tired plus now sick as shit so it’s just lame. I’ll get better. I made my consultation for my lap band and its in two weeks. And its still for me not to impress any boy, dude, man or guy. DONEZO.

There’ll be no sad tomorrow

So, after my last blog, I became REALLY sick. This insane sinus infection full of coughs, fevers, and sniffles. It sucked BALLS. I am still congested and not feeling one hundred percent but let me tell you it was an intense week. During this same week Aunt Flow came to visit as well. Can you say FFFUUUCCCKKK? I sho can. FUCK. lol. It was awful. Mixed this illness and working overnight I didn’t get much done. At all. No gym. No writing down what I ate. NOTHING. I didn’t get weighed either I slept right through it. So somethings gotta give. I HAVE to find another job. I am searching in fervor. What I NEED to do is print out a bunch of resumes and go to doctors offices and just hand out my resume. This internet ish maybe what we do in this day and age but I am tired of rejection emails. I need to do what I studied for! I wanna go back to school and become an RN and take writing classes on the side but how am I going to pay for classes when I don’t make enough right now? I already got a loan last year for 11,000 through my mom and that is being deferred because of her disability but I can’t get lucky enough to do that for Del Tech( a technical college). I digress. I am trying to be less complainy and less whinny but I had to get that out quickly. I want to enjoy my life and surround myself with positivity.

I had last night and today. I went to my bff’s apartment and stayed over. We attempted to put a puzzle together, watched How I met your Mother and 30 Rock, and just plain enjoyed each others company.

I had missed her soo much. She even bought me an awesome fleece blanket with this image:

I know Johnny Depp looks like a furreak but that’s his charm. Plus he’s my el numero celeb crush. I also love Alice in Wonderland so it’s a win win. But like I said about positivity. I am not going to run away from problems or cut out my friends if they’re having a rough day but I am going to clip the people or things that bring me down.. WAY down. Not specifics or anything I am just going to become more aware of what’s going down and do what I have to do to center myself. I want to mature and do it right. I NEED to grow up and enjoy life because who knows when its our last day on this earth? I just hope that I find love before it happens. I am not searching for anyone, hoping he’ll find me, but I am open to love. WIDE open, ha ha. I know I mention my singleness a lot but it’s one of those SOMETHING missings in my life. I hang out with Amber, my bff, at her place and she lives with her boyfriend. So I am always the third wheel. I would love to have a partner in this to bring over so it’d be like a couples date thing as well as chilling with my bff. I want a male counterpart to escape all this femminine shit. Do you know what I mean? Like even a male friend to just shoot the shit with I wouldn’t mind. Well, we all know what would happen there; we’d be friends, I’d start to like him, and he wouldn’t like me in that way which would end our friendship due to uber weirdness. Yeah, I have had it happen a few times during my younger years. I feel as though I am WAY more mature in that aspect. I think I can handle a guy just being my friend and not being any of my friend’s boyfriends. A dude who is just a pal. Maybe a drinking buddy lol. Who knows?

Let’s get off that subject though.

Next time I blog I should have a weight update. It may be another pound or two gain because of this week but I promise not to freak out. I have to not quit either. Missing weeks at weight watchers is extremely detrimental to this. I need to go every week. I also need to stop working overnight because my sleep schedule is all jacked up and I am eating at odd times and not getting excercise in. Until later ❤

I want to swim away but don’t know how Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let this happen. GAHHHH. These past two weeks I haven’t measured properly, I had four cocktails, fried food, and only went to the gym a total of five times. Plus I have missed meetings. Tomorrow I am going after missing last week. I am afraid to face the scale. I am afraid to see a jump in numbers due to my lackadaisical attitude these past two weeks. I don’t want to blame the snow… but I am attributing it to my “falling off the wagon.” Urgh, I am so mad at myself! If I destroyed everything in this past week and a half I am going to be devastated. I have worked very, very, hard for those 13 pounds. I need to lose more for my health and sanity. I mean hellooo have you not heard about the Kevin Smith fiasco on the plane? If not click here. You see, I am too fat to fly in an airplane seat. I really am. I struggled at 90 pounds lighter two years ago on southwest airlines. I fit and I could buckle but that shit was UNCOMFORTABLE. I never fly. I never go anywhere. Now, if I wanna go to Vegas, I realize I have to wait a year until I lose the weight because there is no fucking way I am going to pay for two tickets because I am so large. It makes me sad that I am inhibited in enjoying myself right now as I go through this process but I guess that’s why I am here in the first place. I am not trying to do a woe is me act. I really, really, really, am not. This is my blog. This is what I am feeling today. I feel fatter than usual. I feel less me. I feel unattractive. I feel unwanted. I am scared. It’s these ugly feelings that bring me to eat. I need to sleep… I have been working the third shift again… It’s fucking with my moods, my eating schedule, my workouts, and my sleep. My precious, sleep apneafilled sleep.
There is a lot missing with my life. Mainly, it’s the romance. I have never had it. Never. I am about to be twenty three and I don’t know what it’s like to be held in a way that portrays desire… Like true desire. None of this you’re here right now I am willing to bone you because you are here and no one else wants to at the moment. I could use some male support in a way of like yes, you’re beautiful even though you’re heavy and I am here for you as you better yourself for your health. But if a guy wants me now doesn’t that make him have low standards? Would I want a man who has low standards to want a girl who is 350 pounds? I blame my pessimism on many things on this subject; A.) the guys I am acquainted with a very shallow. B.) My lack of male friends. c.) The media. D.) My low self esteem in a whole. There are days when I feel like, facial wise, I am the prettiest bitch in the room, hands down.(Well, not in a cocky ass way but you feel meh.) Then other days, such as today, I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s disheartening. I need to stop thinking like this but… This is me. This is how I feel.

I am not eating right now or anything. At the moment I am just pissed off at my hair. I put a boxed relaxer in this piece because I have such super duper curly hair and I wanted it straight for the rest of winter but now the red color is all gone and it feels like straw. Sorry for all the negativity today.

On another note entirely, Valentine’s day was spent with my girls, Alyson, Brandy, Cheryl, and Robin. (ALPHABETICAL ORDER for fairness) Some photos:

there is even an unfortunate video..
you gotta click here to watch it because I am lazy. If that link doesn’t work check out Brandy’s blog
because she posted it on there.
I call my dancing the fat girl drunk jiggle… Ah those vodka cranberries…

Well, enough of my saddy, paddy, blog. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.