that’s my plan that’s who i am. the go getter.

I’m addicted to my phone. I’m addicted to stupid facebook and other stupid social networking websites. Where I tweet passive aggressive things about what I’m feeling super freaking aggressive about.
I’m regressing as an adult. I am regressing as a human being. I realize these things and still I use them. I am blogging right now and I am going to post this link on my facebook page so people can read all about how I need to get over social networking but never will. I’m addicted to that stupid little indicator blinking to tell me someone texted me. It’s annoying. I am very tempted to leave my phone at home tomorrow. God forbid, right?
I am obviously lashing out about my addiction because of underlying reasons. I just am not in the mood at this very moment. I am feeling like a damn brat. It’s allowed once in awhile. I have perspective out the ass. No joke. I get it. I am a privileged bitch.
Tonight I’m having one of those episodes where everyone is pissing me off. Every situation. Those nights where you wanna rake at something… even your own skin. These nights are the worst. These nights are the ones where you look in the mirror and wanna freaking scream your head off. Where you just feel like it’s never going to be enough for anyone. Not even yourself. I told you. The worst kind of nights. So in order to save my sanity I am popping two mid nites and hoping to wake up like the positive girl that I know I am. Writing this til they kick in. I just get so angry. So irrationally angry at some of the cards I dealt myself because I don’t know how to fucking shuffle. I can’t play the game right. It really is all a game. I usually like playing but i’m not winning tonight so I’m pouting like a toddler without her damn tiara.

It’s not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you’ll only change it

There is nothing I hate more than someone who thinks they have me pegged. Other than, of course, real atrocities of life like child molestation and unjust murder and all that. But seriously I cannot STAND someone who thinks they know me. First off, unless you’re one of my close adversaries or have known me longer than a year or two you really DON’T know me. You can read what I choose to write on here or any other social network and Think you have me figured out but really… this is just a very small part of who I am. Sure, we all pass judgments on what we see on the internet but I am trying hard to disconnect because really judging someone based on a tweet or a post isn’t always accurate. We can be anything we want to be online. Show what we want show about our life as not to see one in a negative light. But I have never been a person to show what I want people to see. I am blatantly honest at all times. That’s why I get negative comments and people shaking their head at me. Sorry I show an imperfect woman on the internet. I am really sorry I’m not a mommy of the year blogger and that I’m just some fat chick who’s narcissistic in the journey of getting healthy since I do almost everything by myself.

Since losing over one hundred pounds I am feeling more like myself than ever before. I know what I want and I am starting to really go for it.
Sure, there are times when I get the mean reds but it passes in a few hours instead of lasting a few days. It’s fantastic. On a much MUCH happier note I am getting my patience tattoo soon. I just have to call the artist to get it set up. He is a fantastic artist in PA so I have to see when he has openings. I am excited. The pain should be a reminder that I’ve come very far and I should have patience in all the areas that is life. I need to practice patience. This post is living proof that I’m losing my patience with most people. I need to really start meditating and practicing yoga. Become one and all that. I am still cutting some people out because they are not an integral part of this journey.

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

throwback fashion

I was looking through my old xanga and just peeking at my spastic blogging skills. I was
such an emo flub dub. I laid wayy too much out there for all the world to see. I think I am a wee bit better now. Well, when it comes to blogging about others. When it’s me, sure, I’ll tell you the juicy dets, but others? Not my place.

(fyi this is the way I used to blog with icons and shit every where. it’s an homage to five years ago haha)
It’s just so funny reading these old posts and I don’t even remember who some of these people are that I mentioned. Am I getting old or were these people really not as important as I thought they were at the time?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN… IT’S THE LATTER!

I wish my younger brother and sisters and all teenagers could see being stressed over such complete utter bull shit is uneccessary because a year or five after high school you forget most of their names! It’s hilarious and daunting yet awesome.

But my real reason to writing this blog is I have had a subject in my head… It’s about relationships. Yes all I want sometimes is

but, I realize that I have learned a lot from every single relationship I have not participated in.

I am talking about my friends relationship. I realize the formula could be different but the outcomes mostly the same. You get it right and things are cream and roses. You get it wrong and its volatile and people’s hearts hurts.

It’s seeing my friends hurt time and time again from the same formula that makes it hard for me to want to try sometimes. Especially when things move so fast and then everyone is in a load of hurt because they feel trapped.

I never want to feel trapped.

I want what my good friend Brandi has. A true gem of a soulmate. I wish I could skip any awkward I’ll have in the beginning and go right up to the part when everything is perfectly aligned and everything makes sense. But I know the hard parts is the awesome parts. The kind of crap that is fun to discover. I’ll get there someday.
Lol the t-shirt i made for valentines day my senior year. I was a mess…
but back to the relationship thingy. I think my reasons for being so picky with guys is because I am in the age where I want a full on relationship- the good kind. I don’t want to jump into bull shit. I want what I mentioned before. The moon and stars and the sun. I want it. I’ll get it. You know why? Because I am a brat. I wanted to see paramore and tegan and sara? I saw paramore. I wanted a new job? I got that new job. I am a true believer in positive thinking and that secret stuff. I am going to positive think my way into a car and saving money. HEHE.

On other notes. I really need to move out sooner rather than later. Having no personal time when you’re at your place of residence is a bit daunting and annoying. There’s just someone everywhere except for the friggin bathroom. So as soon as I get a vehicle I am getting out. It’s not healthy for an adult to be in their parents house into their adult years. Yes, I can come and go as I please but it’s frustrating when I want to just watch some tv or read a book quietly somewhere I really can’t. One because of space and two because there are two empty rooms but because of the heat and lack of air condtion shit is unbearable. I don’t really like being home. I love being out and about. It’s the whole having to watch whatever everyone else is watching thats killer lame. That and I really want to watch dexter but the wii is now on the upstairs tv and so therefore I can’t especially if my dad’s all home because he gets all stabby when the eff word is being said on tv even though i have heard him say it a bunch of times. That and the random sex scenes can get awkward with poppadukes around. Hence my want of own place. I’ll be able to afford it with a roomate for shure. I wish I could wait a little longer but I think by December if I am not out I may very well lose my mind.

p.s. updated my latest obsession

I was walking with a ghost

Soo I haven’t BLOGGED blogged in forrrrevverrrr. Well amazing things have occurred and things I have meant to talk about have been two weeks past. The meeting of my epic two Bs from my B3K. Brandi and Britney! here are some photos:

The four of us together late night swimming!

Brit, Brandi, Me, Brandyyy b3k

There were tons more but its like… I would post em all here but I can always just add you on fb if you’re that awesome and you can see the rest. lol
They were amazing and meeting them in the flesh after talking blog to blog twitter to twitter text to text is amazing. You really can find amazing people you can connect with via internet and I am so thankful I know them and consider them my close friends.

This weekend, in the 104 degree heat, I saw paramore, tegan and sara, new found glory, and kadawatha. Amazing epic music! Venue sucked balls because it was seats(seats at a rock show? wtf!) and a bunch of lil tweens who had no idea they were in the presence of musical greatness. Me and my friend Morgan were being creeptastic getting there madd early hoping to see Hayley but we did see one of the guys of the band and said hi! It was soo hot I spent like a million dollars on drinks that would have cost prob ten instead if 50. Not pleased about the fair prices I paid but… I couldn’t be dehydrated! But back to the amazing music. Seeing NFG back in action was awesome. They were superb and the kids didn’t know who the hell they were but I did! I was jamming to katalyst. I loved it! Then Tegan and Sara was up there and I was one of the ten people that stood and sang ever effing lyric to all my fave songs. They knew I was a true fan and that is all that damn well matters!
Paramore was awesome Hayley has a set of pipes you won’t believe. Here are some flix crappy quality but it was my cell what can you do…

Honda Civic car


Hayley

Hayley

Tegan and Sara

God it was sooo amazing!

there were some more but others were crappier than the rest hahaha. I wanna see them again with my friend Amber! She’s an awesome concert buddy and she hasn’t seen them live. If only the tix to see them werent on a week day. The show starts at 6:30 and I get done work at six!
So that was the fantasticalness of my past two weeks. I was in the presence of musical greatness this weekend and I am thirsty for another show! I am never ever sated.HAHA.
Personal life? I have amazing friends- no boyfriends or love interests in the least. I am starting to think its more than okay. The drama that happened when coulda shoulda woulda was popping along was enough to last me a long time. I have found myself being way more mature than most and thank ful I am sooo thoughtful in the sense of every BIG picture. I am not a planner but I am a person that can foresee tragedy in most men. Like if I had dated this one guy that liked me years ago I could be talking to his stupid ass through the prison phone, or this other guy who is I am sure on drugs, and this other guy that has no problem cheating on his girl. I pride myself in having this radar on the bull shit. If it means that I’ll be alone for awhile thats cool. Why be hurt or left in some lame situation where I can’t follow my dreams? Dead end relationships that I don’t need to be in. I don’t want a guy that’s a fixer upper nor a man with absolutely no ambition. Okay your satisfying making a dollar over minimum wage? Peace out! I want the moon stars and I want a guy who wants the sun so we’d have the whole sky together. How fab would that be? Call me a picky bitch but thats finer than fine. I’d rather be picky then worry about a dude cheating on me or leaving me high and dry kay thanks. I have seen it all and I am very knowledgeable in dead end relationships.

I also need to stop being so friggin nice and maybe holding my tongue less and letting out my rage instead of letting the evil thoughts fester. Tallying up each bull shit thing you do and letting it tip over until my anger makes me do the craziest things. That and write you off. Maybe some people are worth writing off though and I am totally okay with making that happen. Why have people drag me down because they want to be dead weights? I am thankful for my circle I got and the people who are there for me and really listen to what I say. A person I know just asked me a week ago hows the job search going? Um I know I screamed from the roof tops two months ago I got a new fab job. Where were you? Up your own ass. I may be a great psychiatrist and maybe that should be my profession but it is allll about give and take. I know my toya must be tired of my outbursts sometimes but her and this blog? They are basicaly my only ears. I may make snide ass comments on my statuses or in person but they are skated over like my thoughts aren’t worth the time. So snip snip to those. I do not even give a damn. I’ll make it. Hell, I am doing it.

The things that you do You’re my best friend Ooo, you make me live.

She gets me. She totally totally gets me. She understands my whims, my mood swings, my tears, my frustrations, and bursts of epic craziness. She’s my wifey and sister and crime. When I freak out she offers amazing advice. I just fail at taking it but you know what I am going to do now? Follow more on the fuck everyone and do me attitude. Boys= heart ache. Fake friends= drama. I am just getting my ducks in line to get my shit together in the most epic way. My steps to my adult hood and self actualization to feel less less and get my muchness in order. I freaked out in a major way saturday if you read the post before last with the depression and the alcohol and apparently i said and did a lot of fucked up crap. Talking mad ish on myself and what not. It is just funny how I can predict the future though. I future screwage of overage. I sensed it back in high school with my first and only love (whom I have rekindled the friendship key word here is FRIEND) and a girl, whom I was friends with, decided to become a bit closer to me. I was like cool new friend but no the broad was out for blood. For HIM. I was like oh shnap on my wanna be man! The thing of it is me and him were close and I just so happened to be madly in love with him and homegirl and everyone and their mom knew he was my booface even though we so werent dating. But she broke the girl code and hopped on that. I totally sensed it too. I knew it soo hard. He invited me over the house and boom there they were and I KNEW something had just happened. Then your boy made me take her home! Still pisses me off to this day even though I have kinda brushed the sitch off. It’s been years but I am “the kinda kid that can’t let anything go” (f.o.b.) so I remember everything and hold tiny grudges. I should be over it but once betrayed always wounded. So a similar thing recently happened but I was no where near in love with the kid but I did like him an awful lot. It’s just so silly and I shouldn’t care because I don’t even want a relationship right now. Well, I do. But with someone who has their shit together forrealsies. I just hate being lied to and made a fool of. Understandable, correct?
Anywho- back to my bestie. LaTOYA is a true friend. If a person can stand to look at me after being sober and seeing my deplorable behavior Saturday they are a true true true true friend. Her and Tom(her hubby mi hermano) are the kindest people and they truly are my family. I owe them, their parents, and sister a lot. They are just such good people and I love them all so much. Toya and Tom keep me grounded and they have my back always. So this post is a dedication to them because I have been down a little lately I think a lot of it is (TMI) pmsing and being tired plus now sick as shit so it’s just lame. I’ll get better. I made my consultation for my lap band and its in two weeks. And its still for me not to impress any boy, dude, man or guy. DONEZO.

That’s the road that’s the load that’s the role I’ve been down I’ve been down I’ve been down down

I have been a shitty blogger as of late. I had big news I just didn’t want to blog it yet in case of jinxage. I am, unfortunately, one of those people that believe in the ‘if it’s too good to be true it probably is’ aspect of life.

Well, I should fear no longer now since today was my first day in my brand spanking new job! APPLAUSE X2! LOL I am soo happy. It seems like a great company with great pay, benefits, and recognition for doing well. The people there are all super nice and welcoming. I am going to be a customer service associate for a healthcare company. They seem to be doing well too so I don’t think it’s a job I’ll be losing due to down sizing. I asked that question during the interview just in case.

Due to this new job I have put in my two weeks at the job that is the bane of my existance. GOOD BYE PATHMARK I WON’T MISS YOU ONE DAMN BIT! July first will be my last day there and I sooo can’t wait. Everyone’s pure unhappiness with the job there just leaks into your pores giving you a sense of dread as soon as you clock in. I hate it there. It’s the equivalent of getting your tooth pulled with no novacaine. I feel like such an adult now. Making real dollars with my own benefits. I am glowing with happiness- truly!

I’ll be able to take steps towards the realize/lap band now. I truly want to do that surgery. Oddly enough a fellow(brand new) co-worker just shared with me that she had the procedure done about 6 months ago and has lost a total of 60 pounds. Pretty sweet because I had only lost 25 pounds in five months. I like the fact that weight loss is gradual because I really don’t know if the excess skin removal would be covered after I lose all the weight and I will be damned if I am a good size and have to tuck in my tummy flap-feel me? I really feel like this procedure will be good for me. I am tired of being big. It’s not like I am getting this surgery as a way out either. I am doing this because I have tried losing weight au natural for years and I haven’t had the greatest success. I am tired of being heavy and feeling so unattractive and down on myself that I doubt every move I make. I realize this is not a quick fix but it will help my attitude immensely as well as improve my health.

My confidence is soo shot to hell I can’t even tell if someone is flirting with me. My wifey boo aka sister in crime has to point it out and I am all about saying pshaw he’s just being nice or hes joking. I always assume they’re joking to poke fun at the big girl or just trying to boost a big girls shriveled ego. It pains me to feel this way. I know it’s lame but to talk about my middle school years but in 8th grade I was madly enraptured with this boy and as a dare he hugged me. It made my year(I said pathetic) until someone informed me that “You know —– was dared to do that right?” I WASN’T EVEN HEAVY THEN JUST A CURVY 13 YEAR OLD! How society fucks you up! So I assumed there was something wrong with me from the beginning of the “dating” years. Letting people step all over me making me feel like shit so I consumed every thing in site bringing me to the creature I am today.

I wish some people would understand how not every big person is this tragic mess. I am not a tragic mess- I didn’t become fat because I am a slovenly and gluttenous. I have real psychological issues and I am dealing with the messy bits in between. I wish people were kinder to people of my size. It’s hard for me to stomach skinny or healthy women bitching about how disgusting fat people are because that is a generalization. I do not consider myself disgusting. I consider myself a major work in progress. You don’t know what goes through each persons mind or each persons background to just assume if a person is big they are selfish because they don’t want to put down the big macs on whoppers. Any whooo I guess this happy blog turned into a rant but I hadn’t blogged in forever. I’ll try and update tomorrow to keep the ball rolling. I miss blogging.