would u still love me tomorrow?

What is more disgusting is people who have no empathy at all for others, and others situations. People who judge others based on appearance…that is disgusting.

Regardless of whether you weigh 832lbs, or 32. You are a human being. Obese people, thin people, mildly overweight people…are PEOPLE..human beings, so yes, we all deserve to be treated as such. We all deserve to be treated EQUALLY..regardless of weight.

You know what? I am a Heroin addict. I got myself in that situation, but youre damn fucking right I believe I should be treated equal and should not be looked down on for getting myself into a fucked up situation. Why? Because we are all human beings, imperfect human beings. We are all living under the same sky..just trying to fucking make it…

I hate that some people are too stupid to see that.

I just really wanted people to read that. Leslie is so right. Fat people aren’t fat because we’re greedy at least not all of them. I am not a greedy person I am a very giving person. I care so much sometimes I break down because of all the wrong in the world I can’t fix. I try my best here and there to do what I can. My indulgence since I was a child was food. I am addicted to the happiness food gives me. Just like people are addicted to other things such as drug,sex, or money. Today some other debate went down that doesn’t have anything to do with weight but it brought me back to this. That and certain memories that have been haunting me lately. All involving people calling me a fat bitch. I am fat and I can be a bitch but do not use those words together to try and bring me down. That insult is not yours. It is MINE. I wish people could have more empathy for a girl that has been dealing with underlying problems with the comforts of food. Everyone likes food and some people have a slower metabolism as others. If I ate fast food every other day I would be 500 pounds instead of the 362 I am right now. Some of my friends who are 100 pounds eat fast food twice a day every day. Everyone’s different. Behind every fat person is some other reason that got them to that point. I am at my breaking point. I am DONE gaining.
I just wish people wouldn’t judge me right now as I’m losing. Like no one wanted to sit next to me on the bus because of my weight. I don’t smell and my belly fat won’t touch you I swear. I want to be treated equal. I want to be treated as a person not a blob. I know what I am and the scornful looks are not helpful. They do not fuel me to go to the gym. I am doing this for ME. I am doing this because I WANT to live older than 40. I don’t want to develop diabetes. I want to get rid of my sleep apnea. I want to be able to pay less than 50 bucks for a regular pair of jeans. I want to be able to find knee high boots in a store not at a widecalve.com website.
Like leslie said, we’re just human beings trying to make it. Do not scorn me because I am not your size. I’m hoping I amount to more than just this fucking blog, ya know? I hope to do so many things. Ride on airplane with out getting the extending belt. This I posted on my status on fb:

I really hope everyone is starting to better themselves in 2010. Whether it be your health or your mindset. Look at haiti we’re only on this earth for so long and we should do our best to spread love and not hate, prejudice, or ignorance. We should be open, honest, and unafraid, but also respectful and mindful of others

Be kinder to the larger set. The “big bertha” sitting alone on the bus, at the restaurant or working at the uscans at a supermarket. Oh yes. I’ve been called big bertha. I just wanna be less angry. I am always wishing death upon these people and that just makes for bad juju for me. I believe in karma and I should let that be the one to get these awful, mean spirited, and selfish people. Maybe it’s just in Delaware. Maybe I really do need to leave this state.

New years eve= blast

seriously this explains it all. I’m glad i see in that video how fucking huge i’ve gotten. It is soo crazy I have never, I mean NEVER, seen myself like that and thats how people see me? I’m a fucking jabba the hut mixed with the puffy ghost from ghostbusters.

see the similarities from the video?
But in the morning I’m heading to weight watchers. I’m signing up. I don’t wanna live looking like that. Who the fuck wants to date THAT?? 9:30 am. I’m more scared to find out actually how much I weigh. 360? 380? No scale in my house goes above 300 😦 with all this bull shit valentines day stuff I wanna be loved! I want love and I wanna be loved. But if anyone loves me at this size there’s obviously something wrong with them. I am a disaster. A big. Fat. Disaster. So new year new start. Please help me with lots and lots of support. I need it. Every monday I vow to show my points card with a pic of my weight and it’ll keep me in check. 20 pounds, at least, by valentines day.

&& the worst part is before its get any better we’re headed for a cliff

It’s been a low week. My christmas was very short due to my working at 3:30 pm until 11:30. Then, on Sunday, my dog Hershey ran away. There’s been issues with that damn dog. He just loves to run!

I can’t call the spca because my lame ass neighbor had previously called them and they said if he runs out again we have to pay a 500 dollar fine. We don’t have 500 bucks. I sure as hell don’t have it. I make like 160 a week and i got my phone bill and some other expenses like this 340 xray bill i haven’t paid since april and they’re calling me now.. YIKES It’s terrible. So I hope a family found him and see my ad on craigs list. I’m devastated. Even though he was a pain in the ass that was my favorite dog. He was my bear. My Hershman. But he got out of the fenced in yard because some nimrod left the gate partially ajar. It’s Wednesday now so my hope is minimal for his return. It’s not only this. I think because of my working overnight I have started to feel really depressed lately. Like I’m sleeping my life away and missing everything. That && not having a car! I missed my friend’s 21st birthday last night bc of it. I wonder if they even missed me. I’ve known her since I was 12, we were next door neighbors for like 8 years, and she’s one of the beautiful people if you catch my drift. But she’s real. All the trouble I’ve ever gotten into was with her haha. See, my low feelings? The only thing I’m excited for is New Years eve. Originally, I was supposed to work overnight that night! Ring in new years at Pathmark? GTFOH! What I ended up doing was writing a letter to my supervisor stating that I have seniority over so and so so I really don’t believe it’s fair I’m working. Let’s just say I don’t have many hours this week but it’s all good because I have off new years eve! New Years Day, if they’re open, my fat ass is going to weight watchers! Hopefully that’ll bring my sprits back up doing something healthy and good for myself.
Did I mention I’ve decided to move to Tennessee? Yeah,my two friends Nick and Dana are moving down there in July because Nick goes to the University of Tennessee and he has three more years to go. They’re a couple and wanna be together. Delaware and Tennessee is like 5 hours apart driving so you know long distance relationships are hard as eff. The place they’re getting is a two bedroom apartment for 700 bucks a month. This includes hot water, cable, and heat. You cannot get an efficiency for that much here in DE! Plus, I can’t find a job to save my life around here in medical assisting and there are tons down there in Knoxville. I want a change of pace. I want to meet new people. I wanna meet a southern gentleman! haha. So hopefully it all works out and I won’t end up talking out my ass about all that. Hopefully 2010 brings about new awesomeness to my drab life. 2009 was filled with school and work so I did shit! The coolest thing I did was meet third eye blind.
ahhh i was starstruck!
me n my friend amber before meeting them. That ish is supposed to be my best friend… I haven’t heard from her in like two weeks. She lives with her boyfriend. ‘Nuff said.

autographs! yes!
That was boss. That and graduating and passing medical assisting schoolage! I wanna keep going for nursing and start taking some writing classes on the side. I miss my creative spark. I used to write all the time. I’m letting the world get to me. BAH! I need to keep this lyric by Fall Out Boy in mind:

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long before it all becomes the same old song

They’re so right. Positivity is what I am bringing into the new year. I think its because last NYE I spent it at swordsman’s house. Locking lips with someone you don’t really like all the much but were doing it because aren’t you supposed to hook up at new years is bad juju. Yeah bad ass run on sentence fo sho. So this new years eve will be spent will friends. Getting crunk of course but… it is new years! ❤

Hola WordPress. Whad up Doh?

If you read my about me  you can see what I’m all about. I just left Blog spot to come here because my lovely friend Brandy told me about the awesomeness of wordpress so I decided to give it a GO.  You guys may read the title of this blog and say; “Wow, this bitch is self-depreciating as WHOAH.”   But I am not. I really am WAY too large. I am on the brink of diabetes and I fit the term OBESE.  Growing up I have always been big boned, but when I was diagnosed with depression when I was seventeen I did more than eat my feelings: I devoured them. Instead of a boyfriend I have doritoes. It’s sick && sad. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I am approacing woman hood and I don’t want  to be the girl people make fun of anymore or say “Oh you’re so pretty why do you do this to yourself?” I get it. I have messed up. I started this blog to keep reminding myself to stay deligent on my quest of being healthy and reminding myself food isn’t the answer. I mean duh. Food’s amazeballs but I shouldn’t substitute food for sex,love, friendship, and/or happiness.  So, this isn’t going to be ALL about my fat ass. It’s just my life. What I deal with. My fat ass just happens to be a huge part of it. Pun intended haha.