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Today I looked in the mirror and gasped. It has been a looong time since I had seen myself in a full length mirror and what I saw literally made me gasp. I couldn’t believe it was me. I don’t feel this big. I don’t. I mean my joints do I guess but I don’t feel the weight I really am. I know this is odd like dude the title of your blog is confessions of a certified fat chick but honestly I didn’t know it was this bad. I keep saying I am going to lose weight but I haven’t been doing it properly this time around. I have been letting the external get to me. Going out to eat and making poor choices and my sedentary job has not helped especially since it is kind of stressful at sometimes (seriously, you talk to people from Detroit for 8 hours a day and you tell me you don’t feel the need to eat a bag of chips in between calls.) I know I am making poor excuses especially since I shelling out all of this money to make myself better.
100 dollars a month for a personal trainer (soon to be going up to 250 a month for 8 sessions instead of 4)
20 dollars a month for a gym membership
25 dollars a month for my doctors visits.
and the cost of the new diuretics I am now on too. Not to mention the cost of eating out so much because i’m too lazy to cook a damned meal. I am constantly beating myself up for being fat yet I am doing it to myself. I am going to have to stick to the plan the doctor has sought out for me. NO trans fats and low to no carbs. I have to do this for myself and not because I think it’ll get me some numbers (even though I hope it does :/). I need to find my inner strength. I have self respect but why don’t I have enough when it comes to food? Maybe I need to speak with a counselor about my unhealthy relationship with food. I think it may have come to that point. I am downloading the fitness pal app right now so i can keep track because this has got to stop. I am making myself miserable.
Even though I am going to be fat for a bit I just need to stay positive because if I have the better attitude I will keep my eye on that prize!
I need to stop writing random posts like this:
“I swear Iā€™m going to end up a lonely cat lady miserable because not only am I alone;I am allergic to cats.”
Which I am pretty sure is poor grammar and very depressing.
I get into these terrible funks sometimes like I feel like I am drowning in this terrible pool of fatdom and I can’t swim out. I need to remember I have lots of life preservers. As I write this post (at 1 am when I need to work at 8:30 am) I am left thinking about all the times I have said this trash before. I know what I need to do. Why do I self sabotage? Food is not better than being worry free going to an amusement parks or riding a plane. I am scared to death to ride on a plane because of my fatness and I am DYING to go to Bonnaroo. Please, if I have faithful readers, and my friends please please help me. I HAVE to stay on task before I give myself diabetes or die from sheer unhappiness.