sincerity brings clarity it’s all how we perceive the truth

Just a subject really personal to me. A message to women out there.

I have harped on this before but I want to touch on it again. Women are so afraid of being alone that they cling to the lamest dudes ever. Men who are abusive, addicts, cheaters, and just plain AWFUL all for the sake of not being alone. Do you really hate yourselves that much? Do you really think it is better to have a man on your arm in public because you think you’re rubbing it in peoples faces that you have a man? Really? I mean FOR SERIOUS I have never had a serious relationship and you broads may think I am sad and pathetic for that but I believe I am a strong woman for not succumbing to every asshole that has come a knockin’. Do I want to baby sit a dude? Do I want to be his financial advisor because he can’t control his shit because he’s spending his money on drugs and other stupid shit? NO! Do I want to be with a guy who will hit me, under mine me, cheat on me? NO! Do I want to be with a guy who tears me down? NO! When I put make up on my friend ( she looked fucking beautiful because I know a thing or two about blending some shadows) she showed her boyfriend and he said “Ah, that’s a bit much for you don’t you think?” This girl look gorgeous she has blue eyes so I accented her eyes with a smokey blue. He wanted to make her feel like shit because he has such low standards for himself he was afraid she looked so beautiful and she’d leave him. Sad, right? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT!? I put these questions out there so some of you women can take a hard look at yourselves. YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO BRINGS THE BEST OUT OF YOU! If I have seen you cry over a man over 5 times, for serious reasons( not lame fights) then it’s time to kick his ass to the curb. Everything else be damned; personal happiness first! I will be 23 in a week. I will not let myself settle at this age. I want the moon, stars, and the whole nine yards and you all should too. Men are not that important if they make you feel shitty even more than 30% of the time. If you have to tip toe around a man in the relationship because you’re afraid of him that is so sad. SAD! And remember you may be a lone once you get rid of him but think of how much happier you would be when you find yourself and feel like wow I am my own woman and I know exactly what I want and that’s what I’ll get. And remember never to settle. NEVER. There is always better. ALWAYS. It may take time but take the time. Enhance yourselves ladies. Don’t tear yourself down. Believe me; you’re worth it.

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Whinny Bitch

Maybe I am a spoiled, jaded, lazy, American but I’m tired of working. I have been working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time for the past two years and I just don’t want to work anymore.

I am so dead ass.

I love money, don’t get me wrong, but I am so sick of not making enough of it and wasting my time working at lame ass supermarkets and non-lucrative video stores. I was working as a night auditor at a Ramada but I was scared shitty working overnight all by my lonesome. THE worst. So, now, I am just at Hollywood Video and Pathmark. Pathmark is a supermarket for you southerners, west coasters, and central Americanas. I think. You know those self scan things you hate using at stores? I am the frustrated attendant usually day dreaming of Johnny Depp or that dude from True Blood Alexander Skarsgård. Daydreaming of them or about beating rude customers to a pulp. Beating or fork stabbing.

I swear I am a peace loving female but work four hours of self scan and you will lose your fucking sense of pacification.

I just don’t want to work anymore. I want a year of paid hiatus lol. I guess thats collecting unemployment? Nah, I really don’t hate working. I really don’t. Hence the multiple jobs for four years. I just hate my job at the supermarket so much it makes me not want to work anymore. I want to find a job medical assisting because I went to school for it for a damn year. 11,000 loan anyone? I can’t seem to find a job in a hospital or doctors office anywhere in Delaware. Maybe if I was in a lucrative field such as that I won’t be so miserable working. I work 5 to 9 tonight on the register so I won’t be day dreaming but I will be dealing with rude customers. Sometimes you become immune to it but most of the time it gives you a twitch in your left eye. At least, that is what it does to me.

I am grateful for my jobs please believe me in that. And if people in Delaware are desperate for a job Pathmark is hiring for deli and seafood so get on over to pathmark.com and apply!

would u still love me tomorrow?

What is more disgusting is people who have no empathy at all for others, and others situations. People who judge others based on appearance…that is disgusting.

Regardless of whether you weigh 832lbs, or 32. You are a human being. Obese people, thin people, mildly overweight people…are PEOPLE..human beings, so yes, we all deserve to be treated as such. We all deserve to be treated EQUALLY..regardless of weight.

You know what? I am a Heroin addict. I got myself in that situation, but youre damn fucking right I believe I should be treated equal and should not be looked down on for getting myself into a fucked up situation. Why? Because we are all human beings, imperfect human beings. We are all living under the same sky..just trying to fucking make it…

I hate that some people are too stupid to see that.

I just really wanted people to read that. Leslie is so right. Fat people aren’t fat because we’re greedy at least not all of them. I am not a greedy person I am a very giving person. I care so much sometimes I break down because of all the wrong in the world I can’t fix. I try my best here and there to do what I can. My indulgence since I was a child was food. I am addicted to the happiness food gives me. Just like people are addicted to other things such as drug,sex, or money. Today some other debate went down that doesn’t have anything to do with weight but it brought me back to this. That and certain memories that have been haunting me lately. All involving people calling me a fat bitch. I am fat and I can be a bitch but do not use those words together to try and bring me down. That insult is not yours. It is MINE. I wish people could have more empathy for a girl that has been dealing with underlying problems with the comforts of food. Everyone likes food and some people have a slower metabolism as others. If I ate fast food every other day I would be 500 pounds instead of the 362 I am right now. Some of my friends who are 100 pounds eat fast food twice a day every day. Everyone’s different. Behind every fat person is some other reason that got them to that point. I am at my breaking point. I am DONE gaining.
I just wish people wouldn’t judge me right now as I’m losing. Like no one wanted to sit next to me on the bus because of my weight. I don’t smell and my belly fat won’t touch you I swear. I want to be treated equal. I want to be treated as a person not a blob. I know what I am and the scornful looks are not helpful. They do not fuel me to go to the gym. I am doing this for ME. I am doing this because I WANT to live older than 40. I don’t want to develop diabetes. I want to get rid of my sleep apnea. I want to be able to pay less than 50 bucks for a regular pair of jeans. I want to be able to find knee high boots in a store not at a widecalve.com website.
Like leslie said, we’re just human beings trying to make it. Do not scorn me because I am not your size. I’m hoping I amount to more than just this fucking blog, ya know? I hope to do so many things. Ride on airplane with out getting the extending belt. This I posted on my status on fb:

I really hope everyone is starting to better themselves in 2010. Whether it be your health or your mindset. Look at haiti we’re only on this earth for so long and we should do our best to spread love and not hate, prejudice, or ignorance. We should be open, honest, and unafraid, but also respectful and mindful of others

Be kinder to the larger set. The “big bertha” sitting alone on the bus, at the restaurant or working at the uscans at a supermarket. Oh yes. I’ve been called big bertha. I just wanna be less angry. I am always wishing death upon these people and that just makes for bad juju for me. I believe in karma and I should let that be the one to get these awful, mean spirited, and selfish people. Maybe it’s just in Delaware. Maybe I really do need to leave this state.

Playing on the narcissistic playground

So maybe I took Brandi’s post outta context. She was more saying that she hates when obese people blame skinny people for their problems and that they blame the world for their issue. There are certain obese people who do use their weight and make it a handicap. At my job I see it all the time. They use the scooters for their own lazy asses instead of walking when they full well can! Just because their weight is so immense that their ankles and feet hurt because of the weight doesn’t mean they are entitled to these scooters. There are handicapped people who cannot walk and they have to use them but if it’s all fat people using them how are they going to get a chance? That’s beat && I’ve seen it a thousand times. They’re just assholes.
I took her post as a direct baseball bat to my own face. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that she was attacking me or saying fat people are disgusting. But if you are at this emotional crosswords, like I am now, it’s easy to misconstrue everything that seems a little to what you’re feeling on that particular day. I am a very sensitive person. It’s hard to believe I have survived life this long honestly. I mean the way I take everything personally you would think I would have offed myself four years ago. Well, I did try but I realized life IS worth it and being that selfish is a sin.
I do want to shed some light on the issue I think I have that led to this 167 pound weight gain from high school. Because I have depression ( I took wellbutrin xl for that shizz when I was 17 made it wayy worse) I turned to food. Everyone likes food, yes? I want everyone to understand that, even though you may roll your eyes, that food addiction IS real.

Scientists at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory have found that the mere display of food — where food-deprived subjects are allowed to smell and taste their favorite foods without actually eating them — causes a significant elevation in brain dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. This activation of the brain’s dopamine motivation circuits is distinct from the role the brain chemical plays when people actually eat, and may be similar to what addicts experience when craving drugs.

“Eating is a highly reinforcing behavior, just like taking illicit drugs,” said psychiatrist Nora Volkow, the study’s lead investigator. “But this is the first time anyone has shown that the dopamine system can be triggered by food when there is no pleasure associated with it since the subjects don’t eat the food. This provides us with new clues about the mechanisms that lead people to eat other than just for the pleasure of eating, and in this respect may help us understand why some people overeat.
These brain scans can be used to infer brain dopamine levels in the four experimental conditions (with and without food stimulation, paired with and without an oral dose of Ritalin). Note that the tracer signal in the Ritalin + food scan is significantly lower than the others. This is because the radiotracer competes with natural brain dopamine for binding to the receptor. When there is a lot of tracer bound (the first three conditions), it means there is not as much natural brain dopamine. When there is little tracer bound (as in the Ritalin + food scan), there is more natural brain dopamine occupying the receptor sites. So, it is an inverse relationship (a low tracer signal = a high dopamine level)

this is from Broohaven National Laboratory

It makes sense that I have used food as my own crack. It sounds lame, ridiculous, and an excuse but doesn’t it make more sense that I did this because my brain, being fucked up enough because of the depression, chose food as an outlet instead of turning to narcotics. If you see my family they are beautiful healthy people. My dad is big boned,I will always be big boned, but no one’s body is made to be 367 pounds. Why would I do this to myself knowing I WANT to be physically desirable especially at the tender ages of 17-22 when love is what we all want most of all. It’s because food is my own brand of crack. We all like food I just like it more than others. I’ve just been putting food first for so long that I need to break this habit. So I’m hoping weight watchers will be therapy for my issues because I sure can’t afford counseling. Although there is an overeaters anonymous right by my house I should peep.
I want to beat the odds and not succumb to my addiction. I want to be in People magazine showing how I lost 200 pounds. How my new svelte figure can fit in one pant leg of my old self. I just got to stop flying off the handle and calm myself.

Brandi, I want you to know you’re a dollface && I’m sorry for being a narcissistic fool.
“I’m a mess but I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.”

Just sayin’

So last post was pretty hxc but i mean it needed to be said even if it turned out that the boy who initially said it wasn’t the one who tweeted it, it turns out. My friend has since apologized and told me someone else said it in passing and he just tweeted it. So we’re cool. But still someone had said it so it’s a thought it someone’s head that they word vomitted into the world so that just goes to show that there are lots n lots of douchebags and assholes out here in good ol Dellywhere. I just wanted to post this real quick I have to get back to getting the tree all sexylicious and all that mess. I still have this intense sinus infection and i can’t go to the doctors so that sucks but whatevs this too shall pass, right? much love to my readers mwuahs

some girls are bigger than others- the smiths

PSH thats how i’m feeling right now. I was just reminded this morning how people can be extra fucked up when they wanna be. People who parade as nice. People who parade as a friend or an aquaintance.

“I like starring at chubby chicks when they walk by so they think they have a chance.”

Thats what someone I went to high school with, someone I considered to be cool with, posted on twitter. Pretty fucking mean, yes? It’s just once again I am proven that people consider bigger people a joke. Second class citizens. Something for their entertainment. I don’t want to be anyones joke. Shits hard enough. GODDAMNIT I’m trying too. I have gone to the gym every other day for the past week working

    hard

. I want to be able to say “free for all fuck em all” when I look good. Why are people so cruel? This is why I can never date a guy in my current condition I assume if they’re hitting on me its a joke. It’s outta pity. So did Swordsman ever really want me or did he think a fat bitch would be easier to bang? Thats what I assume, ya’ll. If they’re interested its a joke. I wish So many things. I wish I didn’t let myself get here. I wish I didn’t give a fuck what people say but really who would I be if I wasn’t that girl? I am waiting for my pants to dry then I am off to the gym. I am happy I am single and I am happy I’m alone so I don’t have to second guess my shit. I guess all in all I’m hurt but am I really all that surprised. I am a certified fat chick after all and being certified you’re classified and in everyone’s heads they see you that way. Whether they encourage you to better yourself or make you feel like shit one way another I know what && I am. I just don’t want to be spit upon in public by someone staring at me to make me think I have a chance. Thanks, sir, I know the truth now. I’ve known it before but now you’ve sealed the deal.

don’t rain on my parade

So it is my last night/morning of work at this goshforsaken hotel/motel and I stumbled upon hilarity. Dontevenreply.com. For those of you who don’t know it’s about an asshole writing e-mails in response to ads that just sound RiDONKulous. One ad was like ‘ does anyone of the shingles or chicken pox so we can meet and expose them to my children?’ Needless to say he does an awesome asshole thing with this crazy broad. As I sit here, drunk on Diet Arizona Lemon Tea, I am watching all the people come in and out of this hotel. Now mind you guys it is 6:30 in the morning so the quality of people is very strange. They are mostly construction workers hacking many o’ lungs.  One big pet peeve: lung hackage. Some are friendly but most are douchers with nothing better to do than fuck with the girl behind the counter.  So,anyway, I’m waiting for seven a.m. so I can have breakfast with my square. Yes, it’s probably going to be an array of unhealthy things such as pancakes and butter but damn it you can’t just quit cold turkey and it is a celebration of my last day at this place. I’m gonna ween off the hard stuff like Wendy’s and Mickey D’s for breakfast, I swear. I have all you bloggers to keep up with my journey. I am telling you I am going to Vegas early next year and there is no FUCKING way I am spending extra money for an extra ticket to cover my fat ass. Ever seen the movie Why Did I Get Married? Yeah, they made the lady pay for an extra seat due to her weight. No. Nah uh. I WILL not be that heifer. That is sooo degrading. So let me enjoy my fatty fat last breakfast and then I’ll crack down with salads, small portions, and broiled chicken and all that mess.