Don’t underestimate the things that I will do. There’s a fire starting in my heart

Happy Holidays everyone and to those who don’t celebrate anything I hope your winter is shaping up to be awesome. I never used to celebrate anything growing up so I definitely want to include you all. Was your holiday good? Came by way too fast? Did it feel like Christmas was a bit forced down our throats this year? Was that just me or maybe working in retail at the holidays makes one a bit cynical?

I had a very nice Christmas despite a few things. Most notably terrible was losing my great grandfather on Christmas Eve.Which, my mother said, is his favorite day on the year. I felt so bad for my momma because that was her grandfather and she couldn’t fly to Puerto Rico to be with her family. Flights are so expensive this time of year. He was sick and now he’s at peace so I think she’s handling it well and enjoyed the holiday despite the sorrow. Loss is never, ever, easy.

Such a day that comes so fleeting and leaves in the same fashion. Tonight I go back to work on Boxing Day which means psycho gift card holders shopping. “Women be SHOPPIN’.” I’m fearful for my life.
Today I was trying to lazy around in my new pimp ass pink leopard pajamas but it looks like I have to run errands for a little bit with the sisters. I have been using the fat girl slim stuff for two days now. I love the stuff so far because it smells nice. I’ll let you know in a month if with a combo of fierce exercise and fat girl slim if I notice any difference.
So now that it’s after Christmas I have been, of course, thinking of New Years! I don’t know exactly what I’m doing yet but I’m excited to just meet a new year with, hopefully, a smile on my face. I gotta top this year. I lost over 80 pounds this year so next year I have to lose 80 more to stay consistent. I just want to get right and stay happy. Melodrama needs to stay in a jar deep with in my soul and just stay there. A real, obligatory, new years post will be posted in a few days.

Just take it all with you. Don’t look back at this crumbling fool.

So this is what happens when you’re bored on a friday night:

Yes. That happened.

I have been feeling like POOP. This post might be TMI or whatever but this is me being honest again.

A lot of women who are heavy or heavier have issues with their periods. 60 pounds ago that was me. I was never regular. I never knew when it was coming and when it came it was never what a normal woman would get. It could be a few days of spotting or a month long trauma. I haven’t had it since the week of my surgery. That was three months ago. This week it came back with a vengeance. It’s all bitch, I’ma eff you up you’ve missed me for far too long. So here it is. FUCKING ME UP. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Leslie and Kelley know how I was crying thinking that I was never going to be attractive to anyone blah blah blah. Just a hot mess. Today is the day of  PAIN. My back hurts and I’m having horrific cramps. I am lucid in the emotional part right now. I have been wrapping presents all day for the tree to look less naked. I did dance central two for about an hour today. I read somewhere exercise helps when you feel this way. I don’t think it helped too much. 😦 I had to take a break from hunching on the floor wrapping because I was ACHING. Hopefully, this horrific pain will get better or maybe this is how it was before and I had forgotten? I’m getting on birth control asap. I want to be regular and less GAHH!

 

I am a bit broke from my x-mas shopping. I just wrapped what I bought and i’m thinking that’s it? Why is the pile so little?  I feel like I spent so much and got so little. I still have mad people to shop for. My mom, my sister Katie, my bro, and some friends. Good thing there are still two paychecks til Christmas. I love gift giving but damn is it not expensive.

I was supposed to hang with my friend Katie but when I called/texted no response. I’m not gonna sweat it. I’m not that person. I have other things to do today like finish this book Across the Universe by Beth Revis. It’s really good. I like sci fi sometimes and this is really interesting. So yeah. Sporadic post as per usual.

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve? It’s been there for days on end

If any readers of this blog are not friends with me on facebook or follow me on twitter I have an awesome announcement!

I went to the doctors yesterday for my two month follow up. The verdict? I dropped another 21.2 pounds! Adding to my total of the previous 37 pounds dropped makes it 58 pounds down! That is amazeballs to the maximillion. I am really losing weight even though I can’t totally see it yet. I still see a girl that needs to lose more weight to be healthy. Which is true. I’ll be honest with you guys. REAL honest. I am going to post the weight I STARTED at in MAY. The horrifying weight that sparked the whole surgery.
412. I am 5’8 and I USED to weigh 412. When I went for my pre op appointment on August 15 I weighed 402. On the day of surgery, 8/31, I was 390. Now, I weigh 343. Still a substantial weight but I am never going back to 400 pounds. The fact that the number was even possible to reach for me just shocked my soul. It was a wake up call. I was really depressed for like 3 days and then I actively pursued the surgery option. I probably could have died with in the next two years letting my weight climb like that. People know I am big but they probably had no idea that I used to weigh over four hundred pounds. Height can be awesome. My ultimate goal is 200 pounds to 190. I think i’d be comfortable at either of those weights. I know they say 180 is the top weight I should be at my height but I know I’d be fine at 200. I’d be a curvy girl. I’m big boned period I think going lower that 190 i may look weird. The fact that I no longer have to lose 200 pounds is amazing. AMAZING. I know I have tons of work ahead of me but I think its very possible to reach goal now. I see the light in the horizon. My self happiness is closer and closer every day! I don’t want people to get it twisted that I am not a happy girl. I am very happy. I get depressed every now and then for my perpetual singledom but I know that you gotta love yourself before you love anyone else. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier being surrounded by couples. My best friends are all in long term relationships. I’ll get there someday.
Another note:
This broad went shopping and I saved mad money. I used and shopped old navy. I bought this ADORABLE sweater coat thing and a couple of long sleeved shirts. I then went to fashion bug and bought a hoodie, a pair of pants (in 2x!!!) and two lace camis.
I used this coupon ( and they took it through my smart phone you didn’t need to print it) and saved 20 bucks off my 50 dollar order. If you can’t click that link search fashion bug on facebook and like their page the coupon is in their pictures.
I ended up buying 250 dollars worth of stuff from both places for 80 dollars. I was so proud. I really needed warmer clothes and better fitting items so it was essential. See, it’s easy to save if you need to shop!
Another another ANOTHER note
It’s the night of Halloweekened. Tons of people are going to the loop in Wilmington, which I agreed to go, but if you’re on the upper east coast you all know this weather is critical. How are the girls who wear super slutty costumes going to fare in this weather? I am a flapper as you saw in a few posts ago. so at least I can wear some tights and a sweater with that jonski. Most likely I’ll be wearing a hoodie too. I hate the cold. I wanna move to Florida so bad. I love my awesome trench coat that is super warm though:

Yeah, that was earlier this year(January). That’s my 400 pound face. I hope the coat still fits me because I really don’t feel like buying a new one unless they have a good deal again on Old Navy for black friday/cyber monday. Well, this post was mad longer than I thought it would be. Hope its a little more uplifting than my last couple of posts. Until later…

You’ve been on my mind I grow fonder every day Lose myself in time Just thinking of your face

* warning this post is full of senseless thoughts and frustrations. It may not make sense but typing them out is terribly therapeutic*

I am far too human. I am far too fallible. I am so emotional and passionate people fear me. Fear my heart would implode in their faces and they wouldn’t know how to stitch me back together. I can’t talk to anyone about my maddening thoughts of distrust and DISGUST. Against individuals taking what I would cherish for granted. It’s frustrating being me. A woman capable of so much yet feeling like the will and ways don’t match up.
I just wish there was a meet cute kinda thing. I wish my life was more like the movies.
I had a friend who told me that men aren’t like guys on t.v. I don’t know if I wrote about how much that pissed me off before or not but I’m writing it now. DO my friends find me that fucking stupid? Do they find me that irrational to believe there are perfect, great looking men, out there going to sweep me off my feet by coming to my house with roses just to make out with me in the rain? I’m not holding out for that but I am holding out for more than just a hot mess. In my opinion if a guy makes me cry more than 3 times for anything other than I’m emotional pmsing bitch there’s a problem. And I mean because he hit me, threw something at me, belittled me, anything of that nature. Feel me? I realize everyone is flawed. I think the comment made me think that people think I am living in LALA land in what a relationship should be. I don’t think that’s the case in any sense. I try and give my whole heart. I dive in the deep end sometimes without thinking that its so fucking DEEP. I am sensible yet senseless. I know enough about myself to not settle for the bull shit of bull shits no matter how cute their packaging may be.
I get so angry. I get so irrationally pissed off at sad because I feel like screaming I AM AWESOME. I truly believe I am one fun broad to be around. Not trying to sell myself in any manner. I’m not this cocky girl walking around with my nose in the air saying I’m hot shit fall back son
Maybe I’m not articulating what is on my mind properly. Some times I wish I could escape to another time. A time where my mind was more right and everyone else could appreciate me for what I’m worth. For a guy to appreciate my worth. A guy with some fucking GOALS for heavens sake

I’m tired of writing about love scenes I’ve never witnessed first hand. For example:

As soon as Mason stepped off the stage the skanks hounded him. He smiled in his charming way but he made his way over to me.
“What do you think?” He asked. I looked into his green eyes. Loving the way his laugh smiles showed. Impulsively I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. There was no noise. I didn’t hear the crowd or the house music. The best part about the quiet was that I could appreciate his strong arms around my waist. I could appreciate the way his large hands were on the small of my back dangerously close to my ass. I was also able to appreciate the fullness of the kiss. The way his lips parted and captured my top lip. I have never been kissed this way. It sobered me a little but not enough to make me stop kissing a man I hardly knew in public in this way. I opened my eyes just a bit mid kiss to see his eyes open as well. His eyes bore into mine. My fingers lingered in his hair and he drew back. Out of breath he brought his forehead to mine.
“Keep kissing me like that and I won’t be able to get back on stage,” Mason said.
” I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly. He made a small frustrated noise and kissed my forehead. His arms not leaving me.
“Nothing to be sorry for, doll. I gotta get a drink of water. Are you staying until the end?”
“Yeah, I will,” I said. With that he let go of me and the background noise came back with a whoosh.

My mind won’t stfu tonight. So I write. This doesn’t mean that I think any of that happens to people. It is fiction. But to be kissed like that I believe to be possible and If people say no? Then they’re probably not doing it right and that’s a shame. Why can’t I have hope that love would find me in a way that takes my breath away? The songs people write have to come from somewhere. I know I have felt so strongly in ways that lyrics fell from my tongue over the most senseless people. I wasted my breath many times. But the feelings were there. Just prematurely. I want to be more mature but people fail me and I don’t hold them accountable enough. I forgive easily secretly keeping grudges in my heart of hearts.
I am tired of being so fallible. I am tired of people thinking I am sad or gullible. I am tired of having a friend who doesn’t believe I have more friggin sense.

next time i’ll be braver, i’ll be my own savior- standing on my own two feet

I strive to be a better example. Just someone people can say, hey, I like her ways let me emulate them.
I don’t want to be idolized just seen as a good person.
I have my own head to myself every friggin’ day. It has become very important for me to try and calm down and just SMILE. I used to be such a nervous chica worried about what EVERYONE thought of me. Sure, that still happens from time to time but I am starting to just be like look i’m doing me and getting better. Does this contrast with the previous statement of being seen as a good person?
That is a distinct possibility. But that’s me for ya.
I just think its so important to just woosah your way through the hard parts and say, as my friend Thuglyfe would; “Fuck it. You’re walking around. You’re wearing the clothes. If they don’t like it they don’t have to look so if they’re talking shit THEY’RE the ones insecure and they’re just haters.” Thuglyfe is a very wise friend. I took that thought into mind all last night. While I was at this bar last night watching open mic night (and contemplating singing killing me softly there next one) these two broads were CLEARLY talking shit about me. This was not paranoia folks. One would look at me and then whisper to her friend and then the friend would look at me and sneer. I do not know what causes these broads to just HATE so bad. I wasn’t dressed to the nines as they tried to. I was just having a great time with my homies. I don’t UNDERSTAND some females. Even with my insecurities I don’t pick out women to bash with my friends unless they’re being an asshole and I am just stating the obvious. So, I tried to take Thugs advice but the anger still tried to kick in and I wanted to go over to them and bash their heads into the bar but I did not. (I’m thinking of kick boxing classes to help with this aggression.) They ended up leaving so no head bashing occurred. I was just proud I didn’t get sad or depressed. I think anger can be a more positive emotion. It’s still unnecessary energy on just peons who are, in the end, just miserable with themselves.

I am trying so hard to be my own person. I wonder if i’m becoming selfish and that I won’t be able to share.
I want to share with people I won’t be able to share with and that’s a problem in itself.

On happier notes:
My pants are all ridiculous on me. My jeans I couldn’t fit in the beginning of this year are comically huge. What sucks is my belly is still large so they hold up at the waist but the legs balloon out. Here’s a side by side of proven results which is helping me feel so good about this and proves that I lost weight:

the photo on the left was from the end of July. The one on the right from September 15th. The one on the left is even that “flattering” angle of being held up high! That alone is helping me go forward and stay strong. It makes it easier. It makes me realize that even though I have to buy new pants right now thats because i’m getting healthier. I am so happy and I think people are seeing that. Unhappy people hate happy people.
So cheers to the haters 🙂

When night comes and your all on your own You can say I chose to be alone Who want to be right as rain

first let me prepare you for the millions of spelling errors. I am typing this on my phone so its difficult but i havent had access to a computer so here i am! sø i have come to rerealize a lesson i leArned back in high school. depression and alcohol doesn’t mix at all. i had gone to the funeral of my friends mother i had known for about ten years that saturday in the daytimeshe had passed in her sleep due to high blood pressure related issues. she was way too young to go. there was an open casket viewing and that was my first time seeing a dead body. it was surreal. she looked like she was sleeping with too much makeup on. the most upsetting thing was seeing my friend so upset. a person ive been close to half my life broken sobbing in my arms. devastating. i really am very affected by sorrow and moods around mw. i am super duper extra sensitive and i am diagnosed with depression even though i havent had meds in quite sometime. but now that i have insurance i have to start taking them again. i am starting to fall apart in social settings again. when i was 18~20 i did my fair share of drinking and partying. some nights id be okay. others? not so much. id sob uncontrollably about how fat and unattractive i am and how i am going to die alone. shit like that. quite the downer for my peers. i couldnt help those shitty feelings and how they bubbled out of me especially when i was drinking. saturday i prob shouldve known i wasnt in the right state if mind to be drinking. drinking to help your mood rarely does just that. at least for me itdøésnt . sure the first hour i am good and then rhe messiness crumbles out and i xant take the word comit. i turned 17/18 again that night and was in a state that pissed a lot of people off. alcohol is a depressant why would i think that id be happy and carefree that night whwn death was on my mind. that whole day i was planningout my funeral saying i want a party and everyone must wear purple to match my casket or urn. i ended up irking my friends and now i wil forever be imbeded in their minds as the drunk girl who cried about being fat ugly ånd alone and how i wasnt THAT drunk. i was trying so hard to get blissed out but ended up sleepingon steps and whatnot. id kill to redo that night. now i dont even want to go anywhere. i want to be ashut in and only go to workand see eclipse by my fucking self. i cant help but think how my friends must perceive me as and how mad they must be at my apalling behavior. i told my friend that i am going to take a break from everyone this week and i think she took it a sa personal attaxk on her but this is for me. a week of meditation to give thwm amuch needed break from me before they start to hate mw. i refuse to go anywhere with anyone this week. i am grounding myself. i hope that all of my friends can open up their hearts and minds and see its not pettiness and iam not hiding out although i am emvarassed but ithink this is a mature move on my part. if i dont know how to keep my shit in check nor hold my lq then i need t get it tgether. take a break from drinking for an extended period of timw. its not apersonal attack just need some alone time to get my head on straight.i am not trying to be a dramayic cry baby. isnt it bettrr ti be up front about my shut in status than making up excuses to not go out? ill be my happy bubbly sef soon. maybe i am having abad case of pms. am i making sense? i am not trying to lose or get rid of my friends. i am trying to save my friendship